To be furious at my Mother in Law?

[havingatantrum]

This has a long backstory but it is all relevant!

2 weeks ago my dad had a heart attack. it was quite a bad one, and as he lives in a remote location, was airlifted to the nearest hospital. We didn't know if he would make it. On finding out I flew to be with him. Once we knew he would be OK and was stable, I flew home. In total I was away for 3 days.

I have two small boys who I left in the care of DH. He asked MIL to come and help with them (the youngest isn't in school or nursery) whilst I was away so that he could go to work and we wouldn't lose his wages. She happily agreed and came to stay in our house for a short period of time. We were both suitably grateful and thanked her profusely. I also sent thank you cards that the boys helped to make when I returned home.

Fast forward to this morning when my sister contacted me to let me know that she found out (through a mutual friend) that my MIL has been insulting me and my/my families reaction to my father's heart attack all through her village.

Apparently my reaction was over the top, there was no need for me to travel all that distance to visit my father, and it was irresponsible of me to leave my children. She has said that what I did wasn't fair on my husband (despite my flying out being his idea) and that I shouldn't have left him with the children.

Obviously, I am furious. Angry to the point of being nauseous. I also hate confrontation. And I don't think that the way I reacted was unusual?

As per the usual Mumsnet advice, I shared this information with my husband and asked him to speak to her. He said that as we are dealing with third-hand information, her words have probably been misinterpreted. He doesn't think he should say anything and that I should just let it go.

I don't feel able to let it go. I am angry! We are supposed to be seeing her at the weekend and, the way I feel right now, I don't want to be in the same room as her!

Should I call her and confront her about this myself? AIBU to say the kids and I aren't going? I worry that if I say that he and the kids can go but I won't go that this will just fuel her fire to accuse me of abandoning them again?

Any advice welcomed whilst I sit and fume quietly!!

joanna57 at least Mil has benefit of annoynius forum.

sorry joanne I don't think that's fair - all I have done is stated what I was told and how it made me feel. I tried very hard not to badmouth her here, because what I wanted was impartial advice on how to deal with the situation.

I am very glad to have received that, and will update as and what i have any update to give. Thank you so much everyone for what has been a lot of sensible and practical advice

*should you need to call on her to look after the chn again.•

Should her DH need to call on her again.

OP I think you know that it's probably true and it's unfair on your DH not to speak up for you, unless her told MIL a different stroy?

havingatantrum
You have said that you think there could be some truth in the rumours as your Mil is known to talk behind people's backs.
So you know really, don't you?
Point is! What good is going to come from confronting her? She will deny if its true and be upset to be accused of its not true.
I would just keep it in mind!
A bit of an old fashioned thing my Grandma taught me.
She always said, don't go stirring up trouble you don't need to, always just keep it in mind.

Very wise old lady.

As much as you must be seething - take some comfort in the fact that every person that she said that to, would have thought she was a prize prick. Who says shit like that?! She sounds like a cold hearted bitch and is only making herself look bad.

It's a hard one. I can understand the "let it go" sentiments of many. You know you were were right to go and you left your children in the care of their father, so hardly abandoned them. You know what you did was fine, your husband knows it and so will anyone with any sense. So yes, it might be better to out it down to MIL's own ridiculousness and forget about it- but I can understand why you might find that difficult.

On the other hand, I can also see why it would be difficult to just ignore it when it isn't someone you barely know but you're own MIL who is saying this sort of thing behind your back at a time when you'd think most people would wish to be supportive. I can also see why you'd want to know if she had said this, and if she had for her to be aware that you know and to have some sort of explanation/apology.

I think if you know that you're the sort of person who will struggle to let it go and it will just fester, your better having it out with her.

Or this: You could always try - "I thought you should know that someone's been spreading rumours that you've been saying terrible things" - list what's been said and then tell her "I'm sure that you wouldn't dream of saying anything so cruel when you know that we were very close to losing my dad, especially when it was DH that said I should go to him, but I wanted you to know because it's so awful when people talk about you behind your back, and I know that I would want someone to tell me."

That way, she knows that you know what she's been saying but you can't be accused of being unkind to her. And if she is genuinely shocked, then you'll be able to see that.

Hope all remains well with your dad.

You were right to go see your dad absolutely. A few years ago my DF was admitted to hospital though we were not told what was wrong. After 3 days my sister phoned from overseas and told me she had been speaking to the consultant and basically our DF was on his way out and had a DNR in place. She booked a flight home. The next day I found out that the consultant had mixed my DF with another patient and we were given the wrong information He was very apologetic. My DF then took a turn for the worst. My sister made it home and my DF passed away a few days later. She basically had got the last seat on the plane so the consultant probably did us a favour in a roundabout kind of way. In situations like this everything can change totally in just a day. Hope and pray your father continues to get better

"my sister contacted me to let me know that she found out (through a mutual friend) that my MIL has been insulting me..."

Stop listening to gossip.

"Angry to the point of being nauseous."

Well, it makes a pleasant change to 'beyond livid'.

I'd ignore the gossip. Your actions weren't unreasonable.

Rumours don't tend to come from nowhere. I would want to know what she has said, as she shouldn't have had anything to say on the matter at all. And I would be telling her that.

OP, have you heard of urban legends? widely-known unsubstantiated tales that everyone just knows are true even though they aren't? Usually the would-be murderer hides in the house/car of or the student wreaks a spectacular revenge on the teacher, and so on, of what's called a 'foaf'--the friend of a friend. The person telling the story knows it's true because it happened to a friend's friend or grandmother or even a sister's friend. You're getting this rumour at such a remove (MIL>friend>sister>you that I'd be amazed if it was accurate. Not to mention that if MIL were saying those things people 'all through the village' would hardly be nodding in agreement and encouraging her. And if it were true, confronting her will do you no good; if it's not true, confronting her will make both of you uncomfortable for a long long time to come.