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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious at my Mother in Law?

85 replies

havingatantrum · 09/04/2018 13:51

This has a long backstory but it is all relevant!

2 weeks ago my dad had a heart attack. it was quite a bad one, and as he lives in a remote location, was airlifted to the nearest hospital. We didn't know if he would make it. On finding out I flew to be with him. Once we knew he would be OK and was stable, I flew home. In total I was away for 3 days.

I have two small boys who I left in the care of DH. He asked MIL to come and help with them (the youngest isn't in school or nursery) whilst I was away so that he could go to work and we wouldn't lose his wages. She happily agreed and came to stay in our house for a short period of time. We were both suitably grateful and thanked her profusely. I also sent thank you cards that the boys helped to make when I returned home.

Fast forward to this morning when my sister contacted me to let me know that she found out (through a mutual friend) that my MIL has been insulting me and my/my families reaction to my father's heart attack all through her village.

Apparently my reaction was over the top, there was no need for me to travel all that distance to visit my father, and it was irresponsible of me to leave my children. She has said that what I did wasn't fair on my husband (despite my flying out being his idea) and that I shouldn't have left him with the children.

Obviously, I am furious. Angry to the point of being nauseous. I also hate confrontation. And I don't think that the way I reacted was unusual?

As per the usual Mumsnet advice, I shared this information with my husband and asked him to speak to her. He said that as we are dealing with third-hand information, her words have probably been misinterpreted. He doesn't think he should say anything and that I should just let it go.

I don't feel able to let it go. I am angry! We are supposed to be seeing her at the weekend and, the way I feel right now, I don't want to be in the same room as her!

Should I call her and confront her about this myself? AIBU to say the kids and I aren't going? I worry that if I say that he and the kids can go but I won't go that this will just fuel her fire to accuse me of abandoning them again?

Any advice welcomed whilst I sit and fume quietly!!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/04/2018 14:26

It is very easy to see how a flippant remark (OP went straight away and I had to drop everything to come here so he could work otherwise he would not be able to) has become twisted as it went round the village to exactly what you are feeding back.

Its interesting that rather than an off the cuff remark (probably linked into how much she was needed) has become twisted you go to the fact that its the 100% accurate truth - as the one thing it is unlikely to be is an exact word for word

Original poster
havingatantrum · 09/04/2018 14:30

Thanks for all the messages!

To clarify, the mutual friend is someone that my sis and MIL both know, but not someone I know. My sister and I are very close and she would have absolutely no reason to lie to me, although as I do not know the mutual friend, I can't say the same for her.

I am one of four siblings (all with kids of our own) and we all arrived to see dad at around the same time, so I don't think there is any guilt etc on my sisters part here either. My older sibling brought his kids with him - the rest of us left ours behind.

I think it is a good idea to speak to her in a non-confrontational way to establish what (if anything) has been said, but without any accusations on my side. It could well be malicious gossip, and I would hate to sour our relationship by silently seething if it wasn't true.

Thanks again for the advice - I feel a bit calmer now!

OP posts:
PretABoire · 09/04/2018 14:31

No point getting upset about it now, but I would want clarification on this too.

Ask her on Saturday? Along the lines of what PP have said here - "I've heard some nasty rumours that you said X about me doing Y - is that really how you feel or is it just someone being malicious?"

At least then you can see her face.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 09/04/2018 14:32

Agree with @maggie and @lone. It makes it clear you are aware of what has been said without causing fallout if it is not true.

Quartz2208 · 09/04/2018 14:34

the mutual friend is very much stirring then - that could easily be a discussion between friends not gossip all over the city

PinkCalluna · 09/04/2018 14:37

The important part of the story is that you asked her to help at short notice and she did.

That’s a valuable resource to have and worth a little tongue biting.

If you really feel you need to mention it, and your DH has asked you not to so it’s now a bit sticky, I would take the tack that someone (no names) has been bad mouthing her in community and you are terribly upset about it because she was so kind to help you out when your Dad was ill.

If it’s malicious, then she knows what’s going on.

If it’s true then your point has been made.

Catspaws · 09/04/2018 14:38

I actually agree with your husband here. You heard it from your sister and she heard it from someone else. The truth is you have no idea what your MIL actually said.

People thrive on drama. Maybe MIL made a slightly off colour comment - for example, 'yes it was very dramatic, she had to fly all the way to X leaving the kids all alone with DH!'. Someone overhears it and reports it as 'MIL was bitching that she had to step in to look after the kids because havingatantrum had to rush off to see her FIL even though he ended up being fine.' Your sister is then understandable upset on your behalf and reports it to you with another layer of (likely unintentional) embellishment.

Chinese whispers is a real thing which happens. You don't know the truth. You only know a garbled version which has been coloured by the inevitably biased perceptions of those who reported it.

If you hear anything directly or if your MIL says something inappropriate to you by all means express your hurt. But you don't know enough in this situation to cause a fight.

I hope your dad is ok x

Quartz2208 · 09/04/2018 14:39

the other side of if it without her - your husband could not have worked and it would have been difficult and at short notice you asked her to do it and she dropped everything - can you not see a little how she could have talked that through with a mutual friend that is not bad mouthing all over the village

JiminyBillyBob · 09/04/2018 14:41

I’d definitely speak to her face to face and go with the “I think you should know” angle.

Either she’ll be indignantly demanding more info or she’ll go scarlet, splitter and try to change the subject.

I’d want to know if she were my mil so that I’d make a mental note not to trust her in the future.

Budsbeginingspringinsite · 09/04/2018 14:42

What pret said.

^¡

Re having someone at short notice if every word is true...really a great person to have round?

Outlookmainlyfair · 09/04/2018 14:44

How upsetting! I hope you Dad continues to his good recovery,
It is good to see the wise words of mumsnet untangle this, I hope that it is a misunderstanding, it would be good if you could get an explanation. accusations do often lead to confrontation and could make for worse problems so good luck with the gentle approach.

Charolais · 09/04/2018 14:50

Do not say a thing. She might have been having a little moan and someone exaggerated or misinterpreted what she said.

Sweetpea55 · 09/04/2018 14:51

Your DH has a bit of a yellow streak then Why wont he even broach it in a conversation?

DiplomaticDecorum · 09/04/2018 14:55

This could be a bit 'Chinese whispers' - you sister said that her friend said that your MIL said ...... might now actually what your MIL said, and it may have been a throwaway flip comment in a completely different context to how you think.

I think the problem is with your sister for passing on idle gossip to be honest.

Spaghettijumper · 09/04/2018 14:57

What are you hoping to gain by talking to her?

If she didn't say anything, it's only going to sour things between you and you're going to look like the bad guy.

If she did say something then clearly she's a nasty idiot and there's nothing to repair because why would you want to engage with someone like that?

If you feel she could have said these things and that this is actually how she feels about you then clearly the second option is the way to go - just accept she's a bit of a twat, let your DH deal with her and just get on with your life.

BackforGood · 09/04/2018 14:58

I'd leave it.
Well, maybe I'd ask your sister what she is hoping to achieve by shit stirring. Hmm

You did what you needed to do at the time. Your dh asked his Mum if she would help and she did. Everyone thanked her. End of.

Even if she expressed a private opinion to a friend she thought you over-reacted - what does it matter if she'd have responded differently? In fact it showed she had your back even in a scenario where she, personally, would have reacted differently. What a lovely MiL to have.

It is the so called friend, and your sister who are stirring up shit where there needn't be any.

Spaghettijumper · 09/04/2018 14:59

To add- my SIL (BIL's wife) told me things my MIL said about me. I haven't known my SIL long so in theory she could be lying, but she has no reason to and tbh I know that this is the way my MIL feels about me anyway, it just confirms it. I haven't said anything to my MIL about it, because there's no point - she'd probably deny it and act the martyr anyway and then I'd have to deal with more of her bullshit.

Think about what can be gained from broaching this before doing anything.

Mightymucks · 09/04/2018 15:02

I wouldn’t put any credence on this at all. Even if it was totally true no decent person would have repeated it to your sister and upset a family already going through a stressful time. Personally if the person is a twat enough to repeat it I would bet my house they’re enough of a dick to massively embellish it too. I bet your MIL said something like ‘Oh she was ever so upset and had to leave really quickly so I’ve stepped in to help DH with the kids because they couldn’t arrange anything else at such short notice and he was struggling a bit’ and said gossip turned that into ‘she’s overeacted and shouldn’t have left DH with the kids because he can’t cope’.

Original poster
havingatantrum · 09/04/2018 15:06

That's an interesting point spaghetti I

She is the kind of person who never has a kind word to say about anyone behind their backs, although she is always lovely to everyone's faces. So I think maybe I am upset because I know in my heart there is some truth to it? And I always hoped we would have a good relationship and she wouldn't treat me that same way?

I bend over backwards to be a good DIL despite us living some distance away from her - send her photos of the kids every day and keep her as involved as possible in their lives etc.

So I think my feelings are probably hurt because I suspect this is true, and I hate the idea of her badmouthing me. I am a quite private person, so it just a way of behaving I naturally understand.

OP posts:
Lillipuddlian · 09/04/2018 15:07

very difficult situation, op. I would be fuming, too. The village has done you a favour in showing you your MILs true colours. Unfortunately, the issue is what to do with the info? She doesn't have your back and can't be trusted... very upsetting.

Lillipuddlian · 09/04/2018 15:09

stop with the daily photos, I would say. She is taking your efforts for granted. I would put some distance. Boundaries. You decide the parameters, but sounds like grandma is too enmeshed in your life and feels she can run her mouth to the locals. You can remain civil, but remember this incident and erect some boundaries for yourself.

Jux · 09/04/2018 15:10

Do what maggiecate says.

SavvyBlancBlonde · 09/04/2018 15:14

That would really fuck me off.

Do you think that the village would pretty much know what she’s like and would take her words with a punch of salt?

Lillipuddlian · 09/04/2018 15:17

...also, where there is smoke, there is fire... has she been unsupportive before or is this first time. You need and deserve non judgemental, supportive people in your life. I honestly believe this. I settled for somebody who constantly made snide and unsupportive judgements against me. I work in mental health. You don't need catty remarks from your MIL. Plus, when someone is being airlifted to hospital, how do you judge how seriously you should respond? There is no overreacting when your loved one is in a helicopter en route to the emergency room. I also work in the emergency room counselling people whose loved one has just passed away... it happens! You did not overreact. I would do a post mortem... is this comment a one time thing or part of a pattern and go from there.

SandAndSea · 09/04/2018 15:17

I think I would take this info and keep it under your hat. I don't think you have much to gain from confronting her about it and a lot to lose, should you need to call on her to look after the chn again. If you're sure the info is true, perhaps look towards detaching a bit from her? (Daily photos sounds excessive to me.)