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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another child at nursery hit mine...AIBU

114 replies

happygirlie18 · 09/04/2018 09:11

So I posted a few weeks ago about my DD moving rooms at nursery and being bitten on her first settling session by another child. I was angry at the time and spoke to the managers about who informed me that they were aware it wasn't an isolated incident and were taking steps to manage this.

Since that incident a few weeks ago we haven't heard anything else, but there have also been no other problems and DD has had other settling sessions in the new room.

This morning was her first day in the new room. She was understandably a little unsettled as it was new people and new key workers but she eventually sat at the table with some her of her little friends that she knows from the morning when we all wait in reception.... and out of nowhere the same child who bit her the other week came running over to her to hit her! His arm was raised and he had started swinging his arm when I saw this and just about managed to get her out of the way! The other childs mum was there who then grabbed him away and apologised to me.

I took DD out of the room and went straight down to the managers office and asked her to put DD back in her old room for the day and have asked for something to be done. I no longer feel that my child is safe in that room if this other child is going to randomly attack DD who wasn't doing anything to him.

I'm not sure what can be done but I no longer feel comfortable leaving DD in the same room as this other child!

OP posts:
LaDilettante · 09/04/2018 12:04

I don't think you're being precious as it's normal to be concerned about your child being hit or bitten. However keep in mind that at this age, this kid is not being malicious. My DD went through a period of being bitten by a kid repeatedly when she was under two. It quickly went to a point where she didn't want to go back which was very unlike her. At that point I made a proper appointment with the nursery to discuss this and to know what plan they'd put in place to stop it as what they'd done so far wasn't working. I also made it clear I would remove her if the situation didn't improve, not as a threat but because I wasn't going to drag her kicking and screaming to nursery and then worry all day about her being bitten. They put a plan in place and it did stop. I think it all comes down to the relationship you have with nursery. You need to communicate your concerns very clearly preferably at an arranged time. If they're quite upfront and don't dismiss your concerns, it should be a sign that they deal with these kind of incidents seriously.

I would also avoid talking to the mum about it, to other parents or try to work out who else this child has bitten or hit. It's not helpful and will only add to your worries.

Lastly, you should try to make your DD's pick up and drop off as quick as possible. It's something I've noticed myself. It seems that the older they get and the more the kids get disturbed and over excited when parents hang around.

Best wishes OP. I know it's upsetting but it's pretty common with young kids.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/04/2018 12:06

How do I put this with sounding dismissive.
With the greatest respect you're need to relax. Toddlers hit each other a thousand times a day, and if you're going to get stressed and run into the managers office everytime you'll be doing nothing else.
They cant just move children from rooms.
It's all based on age and ratio isn't it.
I mean what are you going to do if shes hit in reception tell the school to move her back to nursery.

BaldricksTrousers · 09/04/2018 12:15

YANBU for not wanting to see your child hurt, but YABU to want her kept in the baby room...how boring for her.

AIBU in thinking that growing up and developing includes dealing with adversity? Including the fact that others might not be as well behaved as you and might hurt you for no reason?

GreenTulips · 09/04/2018 12:18

You need to communicate your concerns very clearly preferably at an arranged time

Yes - every time

They put a plan in place and it did stop

Bit only after you complained, they would've been aware of the incidents and did title until you had words (which isn't actually good enough)

GeekyBlinders · 09/04/2018 12:25

It is extremely difficult for the staff. I get it's awful when your child is getting hurt - there's a biter at my son's pre-school and DS has been gnawed on several times, as have many of his little friends. I have spoken to the room leader and manager and they have reassured me they're doing there best to help the biter cope with his issues, including asking his parents to drop down to only 2 mornings a week, following him around all the time he's in preschool, asking the local HV to shadow him for a day to try to work out his triggers and various other things. Part of me wants them to expel the biter but really, that's not the answer, and I feel for his parents.

GeekyBlinders · 09/04/2018 12:27

*their

I should add that I ask for an update every time it has happened to DS - I'm not happy about it at all but I am as happy as I can be that preschool is doing their best to prevent it.

DrWhy · 09/04/2018 12:44

If this child is moving from the Baby room to the toddler room they are likely to be between a year and 18 months not 4! If it’s the next room then older but still probably not more than a young 3.
Age makes a huge difference, teething babies and early toddlers bite things for the Sensory input and to sooth their gums, they are not being aggressive or bullying! They do however need to learn that it’s not acceptable behaviour as quickly as possible.
I thought DS was an angel until he started biting me when I tried to feed him or if he was excited and his mouth happened to be against me at about 16 months. At 17 months he bit a friends 3 year old on a play date (they were out of sight inside a toy bus so we don’t know exactly what happened) I was mortified, very apologetic and warned Nursery the next morning. It was about 6 weeks later I was told at pickup that he’d bitten another child at Nursery.
I have no idea how to stop it, we tell him firmly no, it hurts, that’s unkind, put him down away from us and then after a few minutes ask him to give me a sorry cuddle. Nursery say to remove him from the victim and give the victim lots of attention and not him.
I think there are lots of smug, perfect parents on this thread who think it’s their wonderful parenting that means their little darling has never done this. I’m afraid that it’s actually very likely luck. That’s certainly the view I got speaking to the Nursery manager.

Original poster
happygirlie18 · 09/04/2018 12:44

Thanks for all the replies. Now I have calmed down slightly I do realise I may have slightly over reacted but I am still not overly happy about the situation.

To clarify a few points:

DD is 22 months. Other child is 2.5 years.

I haven't asked for her to stay in the original room permanently, just for today as she was upset by the incident and I didn't feel comfortable leaving her upset with carers she is not as familiar with. I have since spoken with the nursery and agreed that they will try and put her back in the new room this afternoon.

I am not naive and know that these things do happen and obviously you cannot control toddlers every second of the day. I'm not saying that DD is perfect and definitely needs to work on her sharing amongst other things, I think what shocked me the most this morning is that the incident was completely unprovoked as in DD was the other side of the room and the other child came running over with his arm raised ready to go for her. This isn't something DD would do to someone so it took me by surprise.

I do also feel for the parents as if it is just the one child as I suspect then it can't be nice for them either to be on receiving end of having to have incident form after incident form and being called in etc, but at the same time the safety of my child is the most important thing to me.

OP posts:
dinodiva · 09/04/2018 12:47

One of DDs (2.5) best nursery friends went through a biting phase - I lost count of the number of forms I had to fill in. I was happy that it was being dealt with both by the nursery and the parents and didn't let it worry me. I also don't know what she might have done for him to want to bite her in the first place. He's through the phase now, they're still great friends and it's had no lasting impact on either of them or on their relationship.

Toddlers aren't rational humans yet - they often vent their frustration and other emotions physically. You can reason with them a bit, but not on a very sophisticated level.

PrimalLass · 09/04/2018 13:09

The parents of bullied children (including myself) were advised to change sessions to keep away from the bully.

Bully? They are toddlers.

My child was a biter. No idea why. Nursery dealt with it by making sure he wasn't bored. I dealt with it by telling him he could have a piece of chocolate in the car if he hadn't bitten anyone that day. He certainly wasn't bullying anyone.

LaDilettante · 09/04/2018 13:57

GreenTulips The nursery did take it seriously the first time round but it got worse which is why I made an appointment to ask for more drastic measures. I didn’t specify as my post was pretty long. They also did take it seriously because other children often start copying this kind of behaviour if they do nothing and the last thing they want is an epidemic of biters!

stateschool · 09/04/2018 14:07

Over reacting, let the nursery handle it. One day it might be your PFB dishing it out.

Mumto2two · 09/04/2018 14:09

Many toddlers go through the biting phase, and placing your child in any nursery/day care setting, will involve some element of toddler mishap such as this. Goodness knows, mine did. Many a time. And it is difficult for staff to segregate each and every child. I was never told who the culprits were, and I certainly don't think it's right that this would be divulged. I can understand being concerned if there are repeat episodes, of course you want to protect your child from this, but it's an unfortunate occupational hazard where nurseries are concerned!

MrsJayy · 09/04/2018 14:16

There is actually a big difference between an under 2 and a 2.5 he will seem massive compared to your Dd who will still have a baby look about her If you trust your nursery to handle it then let him but your Dd will learn to manage the bigger children

MrsJayy · 09/04/2018 14:19

And the upset today might have been you reacting because you saw himheading her way and she would have been quickly moved and she has sensed the hoha.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/04/2018 14:57

Sleepyblueocean

Sorry I took voice to mean speaking not loud.

The loud child vs the child with sensory issues is something I have to bring up a fair bit when they are put in the same room.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/04/2018 15:00

PrimalLass

At what point does it become bullying?

I know that some people they never see as bullying whatever the age they are.

PrimalLass · 09/04/2018 15:21

Dunno, but toddlers thumping or biting each other is fairly normal. My child was definitely not a bully, but bit a few times in anger. It was upsetting for the other child, and definitely sore as he bit me too, but he's not shown a single sign of that sort of behaviour since.

My nephew (3) bit his sister for no reason whatsoever last week. It's not nice, but he's not a bully either.

PrimalLass · 09/04/2018 15:22

I think the term is thrown around far too much and it weakens the meaning.

MrsJayy · 09/04/2018 15:25

Toddlers can be little monsters they need to learn not to be pushy or bitey or hitty they just can't express themselves properly at 2 years old so hitting isusually due to frustration and attention seeking they like reaction of their actions but I don't think little children can bully

MrsJayy · 09/04/2018 15:27

think the term is thrown around far too much and it weakens the meaning

I agree with you

GreenTulips · 09/04/2018 15:30

Bullying isn't used nearly enough times as it should be

People are actually frightened to admit their child is being bullied because people then automatically assume there is 'something' wrong with the bullied child RATHER than the truth which is there is something wrong with the bully

You can pick the bullies out at a early age, usually take after their parents

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/04/2018 15:31

But its at this age where the excuses start, they continue and for some never seem to stop all the way through their lives.

PrimalLass · 09/04/2018 15:31

Bullying isn't used nearly enough times as it should be

Well my 9-year-old will say someone was 'bullying' her, when what she means is they disagreed. To me bullying is sustained and usually involves ganging up. Not two kids having a tiff or a toddler thumping another one.

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/04/2018 15:35

I agree green

The amount of people who are all "he has brothers he's used to having to fight for stuff" or "he's only being friendly he forgets other kids are smaller" etc

What they don't realise is they physically wait for parents to be out of earshot/eyeline which is actually quite calculating.

I once stopped a kid who cant have been any more than 4 try and lush dd off one of those park tower things where a slide cones off one side and a like the next.

He was most startled when he spotted me and I told him to leave her alone.

For the most part you can tell when it's just a frustrated kid whos upset and wound up we then remove our child from the situation to give the other kid a chance to wind down etc