Another child at nursery hit mine...AIBU

[happygirlie18]

So I posted a few weeks ago about my DD moving rooms at nursery and being bitten on her first settling session by another child. I was angry at the time and spoke to the managers about who informed me that they were aware it wasn't an isolated incident and were taking steps to manage this.

Since that incident a few weeks ago we haven't heard anything else, but there have also been no other problems and DD has had other settling sessions in the new room.

This morning was her first day in the new room. She was understandably a little unsettled as it was new people and new key workers but she eventually sat at the table with some her of her little friends that she knows from the morning when we all wait in reception.... and out of nowhere the same child who bit her the other week came running over to her to hit her! His arm was raised and he had started swinging his arm when I saw this and just about managed to get her out of the way! The other childs mum was there who then grabbed him away and apologised to me.

I took DD out of the room and went straight down to the managers office and asked her to put DD back in her old room for the day and have asked for something to be done. I no longer feel that my child is safe in that room if this other child is going to randomly attack DD who wasn't doing anything to him.

I'm not sure what can be done but I no longer feel comfortable leaving DD in the same room as this other child!

planetsweet if a nursery is describing a child as a bully it is an awful nursery and I would be pulling my child out of it.

It would be easy to hop on the sen excuse here and say maybe the little boy struggles with 'new' and change as much as your dd does.

Personally I think parents hanging around at drop off does a great disservice to the childcare as they get in the way.

Drop Flossie at the door, staff on door passes in to room where others are making sure everyone is fine, keeps an eye on the child(ren) who are more boisterous etc. Write a note for keyworker if you need to pass any information on, or make a phone call once drop off time has finished, otherwise you're taking staff away when they are desperately needed.

As soon as other people are admitted into that space you have an uncontrollable dynamic.

It's not wrong to not want your child to be bitten/hit, but you have already been given information that this isn't an isolated incident, which I think is lax on the part of your childcare as you're now on alert when it comes to this particular child. So as soon as you saw him heading for yours, you went into defensive mode. I'm not saying it's wrong, everyone wants to protect their children. But the childcare setting share some blame here for your feelings. You do need to let them manage their setting their way though. Swapping back and forth between rooms is helping no body.

Op, at ds2 nursery a boy but my child 12 times over a 8 week period. There are certain steps that they have to take before they can eject the child ect. (Which is what they did in my case) What they are probably doing is monitoring that child closely ect. Or even move the biter into a room with older children.

With hitting I think it's children's way of course expressing they keep a record of this and I'm sure they have steps in place to discipline ect.

How old is your dd?

Babies and toddlers bite and hit, some more than others and others not at all. They're learning "the rules" and about boundaries. I can't say I've ever been phased by this as I took it as expected BUT then the childcare provider always took steps to prevent and teach the "offender".

My eldest went to nursery, never bit/hit another child but was bit herself possibly 3 or 4 times by different children. The staff always worked towards protecting and teaching. That's what I would be working towards in your shoes, is finding out what they are doing to protect and teach.

My youngest (20mo) is with a child minder and has just started pushing/pinching her older sister. I pre warned the childminder who was quite relaxed about it (she has a lot of experience) and we have both been taking the same approach - tell off, remove if she doesn't stop and then get her to apologise. Childminder says it's a learning curve for small children and that she'll grown out of it. Our approach seems to be helping but we're being constantly mindful, as your nursery need to be.

Gosh the bite sounds hard to break the skin through two layers of clothing!

Nursery brings together lots of little people. Some will be sweet, some will be biters and some hitters. DS1 had a hitter in his class and I was very afraid for ds1. The lad was huge and if some one was in his way, he hit out. He settled eventually - and by secondary school became a good mate - but we had to be vigilant and make sure that we reported every event, and kept a log. Staff worked hard to support both children through it.

Then ds2 started hitting people when he started nursery so I saw it from the other side!! I was mortified, but also saw his confusion. He is a larger than life character with big emotions and he used to hit (or bite) children when he was very excited. Especially those that he was fond of. Your description of the little boy running towards you reminded me of those awful days, when he would spot his special friend arriving and charge over, arm raised. Rationalising and talking to him later had no effect. It was all about the excitement of the moment, and he just couldn't process it. We had to work with nursery to support them in whatever they needed to do to help him, and I must say that I was very very grateful to the mother of his much loved pal, who was incredibly understanding.

Nursery puts your kids in the way of a whole complex range of relationships. Our nursery staff were brilliant at managing it, but it will happen. Have you considered a childminder for your dd where she would be in a much smaller group of children, and getting much more family style support? You may find it a lot less stressful.

The nursery didn't tell us who the child was as I know legally they are not allowed to do that.. when he was originally in the same room as DD (where he had bitten on her several occasions then) the mother walked in to pick him up and asked how many people he had bitten today! So I figured it out from that!

Sleepyblueocean We are out, as I said. The other parent changed sessions to keep away from the "bully". There will be others I am sure.

I had TWO biters. It was awful. We were told every time they bit (twins) but not who they bit.

It was mortifying but they were toddlers, other than reinforce the good behaviour and do a lot of ‘we don’t bite, kind mouths smile not bite’ etc there wasn’t a lot we could do.

I think you’re reading intent into this too much. Presumably the children are only 2-3 or younger? Obviously you don’t want your child hurt but a toddler literally can’t take a disliking to a particular child which is what it sounds like you’re worried about.

Hopefully if this is a decent nursery, then they should be taking steps to be keeping an eye on said child and that your child or any others aren't being hit.

Op just read your up date. If he is a known biter I would ask the nursery what they are doing to prevent it. I'm sure they don't have the resources to have 1:1 or in a room in his own. So they must be working with the parents

You
“Figured it out from that”
So it might have been a completely different child.

Yes I worked it out from that comment, and when said child moved up from DD's room (he is a few months older than her) any biting stopped. As soon as DD started settling in the new room it started again, plus there have been other incidents between them in the morning in reception as we both seem to have the same drop off times.

My child is 8 and got bit at school.nasty wound ,had to have a tetanus.school not interested.

You don't actually know it was the same child, and the second time no one was actually hurt.

It's so hard trusting your little one to someone else all day, but you have to accept that with large groups of very young children not all incidents can be prevented.

One day your child will probably hit / push / bite another, and that's an awful feeling too.

Happy you won’t get much support on here with it. However I know how you feel, dd2 was what I can only describe as physically assaulted when she was two. Deep scratches down her face that was bleeding actuslly going down her eye lid and cheek. She looked a mess a few days later with scabs on her face. It wasn’t in a nursery setting though.

I would feel anxious too and I’d be wanting some one to take my concerns seriously. To be honest if they wasn’t taken seriously I’d find some where else to put her.

I have three dc and I don’t think it’s a normal occurance. Well it doesn’t have to be if they are being supervised properly.

At my D.C. nursery if there is a child that shows behaviour like this the child is shadowed. I am not sure how old these kids are but I assume just turned three or two. If two they are 2 it’s not the child that’s wrong it’s the actions and staff should have a plan in place to help biting hitting child. 3 then the plan should differ as they are more aware of actions.

I have never placed any blame on a child and both mine have had very sore looking bites on face, back, a etc. I have faith in the nursery- maybe you don’t which is another issue.

Attack and bully are not words to be used for children at this age/stage.

Between nurseries due to housemove with dc1 we used a childminder as s stopgap. He was 20 months and was accused of premeditated assault by the cm and another parent! I was at this especially when cm told me she had convinced other parent not to report it or take it further!!! What that meant I don’t know - but don’t be that parent.

Your child will get so much out of nursery and moving up to the bigger room.

YANBU to expect a plan in place for hitting child

Yabu to keep your child out of room if nursery have s plan in place for this child then it’s a bit precious.

"Figured it out from that" so you're attributing blame where there might be none?

It might be another child, the comment might have been a throw away joke between that Mum and the staff. Her son might be a prolific biter.

You don't actually know.

You don't know that your child isn't the one who snatches toys from another, but the childcare manage it because that is what they do, that yours didn't bump into another child from the baby room while playing games and that the other child is now scared of yours, even though it might have been an accident, because yours is bigger.

You are speculating an awful lot on things that you don't have facts for, just like I have above.

And I hope you remember this when you get that first message back from childcare/sxhool/Preschool/school that your child has hurt another. Because at some point, every child reaches the point where they do something which means you have to be spoken to by the staff.

My eldest was 8 and gave her best friend a Chinese burn, deliberately. I was mortified.

My child is 8 and got bit at school.nasty wound ,had to have a tetanus.school not interested

Same here. The bite was so painful and traumatic it took ages to heal and she still has a small scar. Biting should be treated very seriously. I don't believe biting is a normal rite of passage for a child.
I've found biters are few and far between.

Because at some point, every child reaches the point where they do something which means you have to be spoken to by the staff

Not every child. Not even most children.

biters should be helped by adults to change their behaviour..... not stigmatised or said rite of passage

The "bully" (as I have said, it is nursery's word) at our ex nursery is 4. For some reason they didn't go up to Reception yet. It is bullying because it was repetitive and targeted. My child was picked on for a natural trait. The other child was picked on because she was new. This is bullying whether you want to call it that or not.

I didn't say it would be negative behaviours. My dd's School spoke to me first because they were worried about her being too quiet and cooperative - submissive - was how they put it.

I'd be very unhappy if that had happened to my child in nursery. Both my children were gentle little things, who wouldn't have known how to defend themselves against bites or punches. Why should your child be the sacrificial lamb?

Sorry but I think YABU. My son has been bitten (and hit) several times at nursery and at school. He has also bitten another child once. All incidents were dealt with and everyone moves on. Unfortunately children are learning how to behave and things like this happen when they are little.

I didn't say it would be negative behaviours

And I hope you remember this when you get that first message back from childcare/sxhool/Preschool/school that your child has hurt another

Well you sort of did. But maybe that's not what you meant.