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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another child at nursery hit mine...AIBU

114 replies

happygirlie18 · 09/04/2018 09:11

So I posted a few weeks ago about my DD moving rooms at nursery and being bitten on her first settling session by another child. I was angry at the time and spoke to the managers about who informed me that they were aware it wasn't an isolated incident and were taking steps to manage this.

Since that incident a few weeks ago we haven't heard anything else, but there have also been no other problems and DD has had other settling sessions in the new room.

This morning was her first day in the new room. She was understandably a little unsettled as it was new people and new key workers but she eventually sat at the table with some her of her little friends that she knows from the morning when we all wait in reception.... and out of nowhere the same child who bit her the other week came running over to her to hit her! His arm was raised and he had started swinging his arm when I saw this and just about managed to get her out of the way! The other childs mum was there who then grabbed him away and apologised to me.

I took DD out of the room and went straight down to the managers office and asked her to put DD back in her old room for the day and have asked for something to be done. I no longer feel that my child is safe in that room if this other child is going to randomly attack DD who wasn't doing anything to him.

I'm not sure what can be done but I no longer feel comfortable leaving DD in the same room as this other child!

OP posts:
DairyisClosed · 09/04/2018 10:02

YABU. They are toddlers. This stuff happens. What do you realistically expect them to do that they aren't already doing? Dealing with biters takes time. Short of putting him in a closet all day or just throwing him out all together there really isn't anything they can do. Aggressive but not dangerous behaviour is common in nurseries. If you don't want your daughter exposed to it you should keep her at home until she is older. If you are not prepared to do that then you should accept that these kinds of things will happen.

Differentcorner · 09/04/2018 10:07

You are coming across a bit precious to be honest, someday your perfect child may well just surprise you and do something similar. No child is malicious at nursery age, these whilst unpleasant behaviours are normal. I can understand that you want her to me happy and settled but you will get their backs up if you don't let them get on with their job

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/04/2018 10:09

If this child is a known biter/aggressive, you are doing the right thing keeping on top of it OP. It's very distressing leaving your little one, wondering if she's alright, you need to feel reassured that the nursery understand and act, on your concerns.
I hope this episode is behind you very soon.

Sleepyblueocean · 09/04/2018 10:09

"It is bullying because it was repetitive and targeted."

Not necessarily. My child with sn may have hit someone because of the sound of their voice or because of the noise they made after they had been hit or because they were new and so not someone he is used to in the room. It can be distressed behaviour rather than bullying although of course it is very upsetting for the other child and the nursery should be doing all they can to prevent it happening.

TheLegendOfBeans · 09/04/2018 10:14

I don't think you are being precious but this is tough and what I don't think some folk are doing is putting themselves in your shoes.

If it was me and the biting was regular id be having a conversation as to how the nursery have dealt with it and what their contingency plan is if it repeats.

Surely this is not the first time they've had a bitey kid so what have they done before?

What IS regrettable is you think you know the culprit. Like it or not you are now showing bias towards this child meaning you HAVE to be neutral in writing and conversation lest YOU be seen to be singling this kid out.

If it was me and it didn't stop I'd be in a quandary; my DD is 2.5 and is a bit too young to be put up a class. I'd never want her to go down a class. But I also feel that to.move her in this situation would be unfair as this isn't her doing.

The only solution I could see would be to request evidence of a) how they plan to discipline this kind of thing and B) proof that it's taken place when biting has happened.

Only then could you really act.

One last thing though: just don't brand this kid a bully. Regardless what the nursery say. There may be issues at home and yes that's not your child's concern but they may have information you're not aware of so as before stay neutral in your language.

Tough one OP.

ClaryFray · 09/04/2018 10:19

He didn't hit her, if you moved her. These things happen at nursery and I'm afraid op a lot worse happens at big school. Ask the managers to deal with the boy by all means. But your making an over reaction.

jubillee · 09/04/2018 10:25

Nursery children are now being accused of being bullies? Oh dear

Nofunkingworriesmate · 09/04/2018 10:29

My dh was a biter at nursery and is now a non biting teacher!
Dd did a bit of snatching and biting and is a very popular at uni, get a grip op, your child will be the one doing these behaviours next week

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/04/2018 10:29

elQuintoConyo

Let the nursery deal with it. They are babies still, that's what little ones do.

There will always be those that have an excuse for behaviour (not saying that you are) and it goes on all the way through school.

Pinsmile · 09/04/2018 10:33

Bullies? Physical abuse? Ffs Hmm

YABU. It happens, it's the nature of the situation. Every nursery and school will have similar issues. My DC were all bitten and hit at some point.

planetsweet · 09/04/2018 10:40

I don't think posters understand that not all children, nursery staff or parents are the same!

Our nursery announced (on a look around) that no child ever hit. Ridiculous. Their first response to ANY allegations is to deny. Again, ridiculous. It is not surprising that parents then get proactive and start writing letters of complaint etc. This is not being "precious" this is trying to safeguard their child because the staff aren't doing it.

GreenTulips · 09/04/2018 10:41

I was bitten by a child and work sent me to A&E

They said a child's bite is worse than a dogs for the sheer amount of germs and they need treatment.

Secondly I asked the question at a firstaid coarse and the provider is supppsed to inform you to visit a doctor to have the wound cleaned and check tetnus etc -

Have these logged every time

Do they ring you or wait til pickup?

5plusMeAndHim · 09/04/2018 10:44

Be thankful you own the bitee and not the biter.If you have another child you might well be in the opposite position

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/04/2018 10:44

I think it's more than understandable that you are worried.

You expect the odd event perhaps but not a constant worry.

And I'm in disagreement with most as to what children are capable.

I was bullied from pre school onwards. In fact my parents removed me from one because both staff and children were horrible.

My dd was peed on at pre school

Ultimately it's the parents though I mean if they don't deal with the behaviour or frequently see it as the responsibility of the staff and don't follow through at home then they won't learn good behaviour so well

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 09/04/2018 10:45

FFS. 8 is a lot different to 2! Although I don’t think OP has actually clarified her child’s age - probably for the exact reason that people are more sympathetic if it’s clearly not a toddler doing the ‘attacking’.

I mentioned upthread that both my twins were biters. They’re 9 now, haven’t bitten since nursery. Oh I lie, they’ve bitten each other (aged about 5) in a fit of rage which was dealt with swiftly and firmly and not repeated. Never been in trouble at school for it, which proves that they know it’s not appropriate behaviour.

As I said before, applying intent to toddlers behaviour is ridiculous. If your toddler head butted you or bit you hard you would know it wasn’t personal. It’s the same when it’s an unrelated child. They simply don’t have the capacity to understand properly yet.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/04/2018 10:48

(Sleepyblueocean*

My child with sn may have hit someone because of the sound of their voice or because of the noise they made after they had been hit or because they were new and so not someone he is used to in the room.

Sorry, I keep coming back to this, only one of these can be managed by the nursery. What are they supposed to do about how someone's voice sounds or the noise they make after they have been hit (and I am taking that as accidentally by objects as well as by hand)?

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 09/04/2018 10:50

It happens, pretty often actually and if you have another child, it may well be yours doing the hitting! Been there, as have many of my friends unfortunately...

What's important is that nursery and parents are making sure that the hitting child is getting the help needs to stop and your child gets the care she needs to feel safe.

Also be aware some children will get hit or bitten and never mention it at all as they move on quickly, for others it is a huge deal for them and it is all they will talk about from their day at nursery even if it was a single incident and they were happy an busy for the rest of the time. My DD talked endlessly about one incident for weeks to anyone who'd listen, happily telling the parents that her son was a naughty naughty boy (he wasn't) and irrespective of the fact she'd thrown a brick at another's child's head just the day before! Thankfully she was a DC3 and I could roll my eyes pretty well by then.

Faith in the nursery it's what's important but don't demonise the hitting child or ask your DD questions about him particularly. Also don't imagine there's a magical nursery where this doesn't happen.

GreenMeerkat · 09/04/2018 11:03

Unfortunately it's just something kids do. It's part of learning communication and boundaries I guess but the nursery should have some sort of action plan to deal with this behaviour when it arises.

I was furious and horrified to learn my DD had been bitten at nursery once. They told me all about the incident and what they had done about it etc. And I was satisfied but still raging that some horrible kid had hurt my child.

A week later, I got told that my DD had bitten three other kids at nursery. I was mortified Blush. But it just goes to show that any child can do it, they copy and learn certain things and it just happens. It's up to the nursery to deal with it appropriately.

Bbbbbbbb2017 · 09/04/2018 11:15

Good grief nursery age kids cant be bloody bullies. Only mumsnet would a nursery child be considered a bully.

These things happen I would be looking to see how the nursery deal with it.

Sleepyblueocean · 09/04/2018 11:23

BoneyBackJefferson those two things are common place in special schools and so they can be managed in the same way they are there.
For the first it could be keeping the two children apart when the child with the 'voice' is being loud so taking the child away from them and doing something else to distract them. Many children learn eventually to remove themselves and when they realise they can do this they begin to tolerate the noise to some extent because they know they can go when they have had enough.
For the second they may actually be hitting to provoke the noise even if they don't like the noise because the noise is predictable and they need predictability. So give them predictability through routine and structured play.

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/04/2018 11:24

Good grief nursery age kids cant be bloody bullies. Only mumsnet would a nursery child be considered a bully

But the pre school room at a nursery ranges from around 2 and a half to five

They are capable of some quite nasty targeted behaviour . Anyone who's ever been to a soft play will have seen plenty of 3 year olds onwards throwing stuff at kids or pushing other kids about. Lying to get other kids onto trouble.

Im.not saying that every kid who ever hits someone is a bully. But nor should we pretend that they arent capable of being deliberately mean and targeting a child to pick on

Sleepyblueocean · 09/04/2018 11:27

Of course it is not that straight forward and other strategies will likely be needed as well but it is manageable. At my son's school it is standard stuff although an ordinary nursery will need outside support with this.

GreenTulips · 09/04/2018 11:27

But nor should we pretend that they arent capable of being deliberately mean and targeting a child to pick on

Agree

It's usually the parents who spout 'boys will be boys' and just laugh it off

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/04/2018 11:31

It's usually the parents who spout 'boys will be boys' and just laugh it off

Oh god yeah.

Or they are tired/hungry/ stick insect died/day that ends in a y.....

There was No excuse ever that would not have seen me dragged home and sent to my room.even at three...

It's important to deal.with it. That's all. Or they don't learn. People are kuch more understanding if the parents appear to actually give a crap.

frasier · 09/04/2018 11:58

Gileswithachainsaw Absolutely. If the parents are seen to be doing something it changes the dynamic.

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