Is this abuse?

[doneanamechanger]

Last night I did something awful. When my DH and I row, or when I'm upset about something and want to have it out with him, he often just goes to sleep, literally he can do that mid row. Sometimes I guess he's not asleep, just pretends but will not respond to me. Just lies there silently. Doesn't have to be a terrible row and just as likely to be his fault as mine. Anyway, I can't usually just leave it and especially not last night, as I have raging pms. Really bad. Last night, instead of just poking him, I poked him harder, flocked water at him and pinched him. I know this was totally wrong and I have apologised. Last night (when he flew out of bed after the pinching) he called me a psycho and said I had abused him. He still says this morning that it was abuse. I'm devastated, have never ever hit or lashed out at anyone in anger. Is he right? I've said to him if he feels like this I should leave. I would leave someone who I felt abused me but he says I'm over reacting I just need to accept it and move on but I can't as he's still labelling it abuse and I'm so worried I'm an abuser making excuses for myself. He asked me what I would call it. I don't know. I lost control due to pms and went too far.

Of course it is!

Yes, that's vile.

Even trying to wake him is bang out of order.

Yes it was abusive, just because you're a woman doesn't make it less so. Imagine if a girlfriend had said that her dh had done that to her.

Yes, that was a horrible thing to do.

"Lost control due to pms"- not an excuse.

Course it was. You physically assaulted him when he was pretty much as vulnerable as its possible to be.

I think that any unwanted physical contact which hurts someone which is done with malice is abuse - sorry.

If the roles were reversed and a male was pinching a female, everyone would be yelling LTB.

I think you need to seek help for your PMT. Millions of women suffer but most don't assult their loved ones.

Whether it's due to PMS or not is immaterial, your actions were abuse.

That being said, his pretending to be asleep and ignoring you is a form of emotional abuse (again, doesn't excuse your behaviour) so it seems as though you both need to take a long hard look at how you communicate in general, and whether or not you should continue in a relationship

Well there was a thread on the relationships board where a woman's husband pokes her really hard to wake her up and everyone said it was abusive so works both ways surely?

It is abuse.

Don't blame pms either.

Sounds like you're blackmailing him into saying that it isn't abuse by needling him about not leaving you as well.

It is abuse.

You should have left the house, slept in another room or just gone to sleep. Not physically attacked him.

Stonewalling is also a type of abuse, if he ignores you/pretends to/makes himself fall asleep on a regular basis. That being said, you need to explore your own behaviour. It’s not acceptable to pinch someone or cause them pain because you are angry. You need help.

"I've said to him if he feels like this I should leave. I would leave someone who I felt abused me"

Aside from the pinching, what you've said there is a classic abuser line. It puts the ball in his court and then often when there's another incident the "well it couldn't have been abuse because you stayed" line is trotted out.

You're trying to change his perception.

You need to just apologise and get help for your PMT.

Do you really have to ask? What a vile thing to do. Of course it’s assault.

Yes it's abusive. PMS is no excuse whatsoever. If you cannot control yourself seek help. You seem to minimise what you do and blame hormones etc. He probably pretended to be asleep to shut you out. Have you behaved this way with anyone else?

Yes it's abuse. It's what my abusive exh used to do to me.

So bored of women blaming hormones for behaving terribly.

It was abusive, but you shouldn't leave him. The guilt is making you say that but just take time to reflect on how to be calmer. Also let him know that his avoiding confrontation makes you feel . Give him a big hug and apologise and start afresh with new communication.

his pretending to be asleep and ignoring you is a form of emotional abuse

Maybe he just doesn't want a fight and the best thing to do is ignore rather than carry on with a pointless row.

It was abusive, but you shouldn't leave him.

He should leave her.

I was thinking the same buzz I use to have to pretend that I was asleep to my ex to get him to stop going on and on at me as it was exhausted and the only way he would stop. So that's abusive?

Me too PrettyLittleThing

Let's twist it around the other way. Hed have done that to you. You'd be calling it abuse and we'd all be 110% In agreement with you saying "Yes it is abuse and there is no excuse for it". Meaning don't be using your pms as an excuse. Men arent allowed excuses why should women be allowed them

If my DH had done that to me we’d be having serious talks about our future. Stonewalling is frustrating and PMS is a bitch but you can’t treat people like that.

I hope you guys manage to sort it out.

Well how would you feel if he had done that to you?