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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this abuse?

94 replies

doneanamechanger · 08/04/2018 16:30

Last night I did something awful. When my DH and I row, or when I'm upset about something and want to have it out with him, he often just goes to sleep, literally he can do that mid row. Sometimes I guess he's not asleep, just pretends but will not respond to me. Just lies there silently. Doesn't have to be a terrible row and just as likely to be his fault as mine. Anyway, I can't usually just leave it and especially not last night, as I have raging pms. Really bad. Last night, instead of just poking him, I poked him harder, flocked water at him and pinched him. I know this was totally wrong and I have apologised. Last night (when he flew out of bed after the pinching) he called me a psycho and said I had abused him. He still says this morning that it was abuse. I'm devastated, have never ever hit or lashed out at anyone in anger. Is he right? I've said to him if he feels like this I should leave. I would leave someone who I felt abused me but he says I'm over reacting I just need to accept it and move on but I can't as he's still labelling it abuse and I'm so worried I'm an abuser making excuses for myself. He asked me what I would call it. I don't know. I lost control due to pms and went too far.

OP posts:
MuddyForestWalks · 08/04/2018 18:13

I suspect there is a difference between abusive stonewalling, and a man who has just had enough of arguing with a partner who, by their own admission, "can't usually just leave it."

Guavaf1sh · 08/04/2018 18:14

I hate people blaming PMT for this kind of thing - hate it. It gives all women a bad name

OneStepSideways · 08/04/2018 18:16

It wasn't a nice thing to do, but then neither was ignoring you mid-row. It sounds like you were trying to get a reaction not injure him. Abuse is calculated, not a one off poke/punch in a moment of frustration! His reaction was extreme I think.

In your shoes I would apologise then talk through what led up to it. Put strategies in place to stop it happening again eg a rule that he doesn't stonewall you in the middle of a row (which would enrage even the calmest person). You need to get out of bed and take a break when you feel the urge to attack him.

Have you considered SSRIs to help your mood? My PMS is much better these days but I used to be a furious wreck leading up to my period!

OneStepSideways · 08/04/2018 18:17

*pinch not punch!

PurpleDaisies · 08/04/2018 18:19

Abuse is calculated, not a one off poke/punch in a moment of frustration!

I disagree. If someone had come on here saying during an argument their partner pinched them really hard, lots of people would say that was abusive behaviour.

The op didn’t do it once. She started poking, then flicking, then pinching her husband. Plenty of time to stop physically hurting her partner.

shelentei · 08/04/2018 18:20

Pms isn't an excuse to be a bitch. Yes this is abuse.

user1492958275 · 08/04/2018 18:25

Abuse is calculated, not a one off poke/punch in a moment of frustration! His reaction was extreme I think.

I think the fact she said 'instead of just poking him' clearly means she does this alot to him. But yesterday took it one step further with flicking water and pinching, then didn't bother to stop until he had enough and 'flew out of bed' after being pinched.

This doesn't make me feel his reaction was unjustified at all. She was prodding at him until he reacted to her, but what she didn't expect was him to stand up to her instantly, and rightly so!

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 08/04/2018 18:29

So if he doesn't argue what does he do? Walk out? Sit there and not talk? Would that be abusive? Or are people meant to just have any arguments their partners or significant others want them to have continuously?

DairyisClosed · 08/04/2018 18:34

I know someone who has PMD (very bad PMS). She doesn't go around pi ching people. It really isn't an excuse at all for what you did. It's not even an explanation. You pinched him because that is the kind of person you are.

Bluntness100 · 08/04/2018 18:36

Abuse is calculated, not a one off poke/punch in a moment of frustration

Yeah tell that to the woman whose husband punched her in the face when angry.

clyde5591 · 08/04/2018 19:07

Yes its abuse - if PMS causes you to do that it is unacceptable behaviour in an adult relationship. Consider seeing GP re: PMS.

There are several issues that need to be addressed in a calm and non-confrontational discussion (perhaps outside home over coffee) with your partner:

  1. Ask how your mood changes monthly and Listen to his response. Accept what he is saying, acknowledge his feelings on your moods. You may or not agree but its necessary to accept and acknowledge other people's perceptions of your behaviour as you would expect your own opinions to be listened to
  1. If you feel they are being honest - you should go to GP about mood fluctuation and obtain help - for your own sake as this is impacting on your life
  1. Explain how you feel when he either falls asleep or pretends to - maybe something like "When you do this I feel ??"

It takes two people to make a relationship and communication and listening are very important.

I would in your shoes have to accept that poking, flicking water and nipping when the other person is sleeping or non engaging is not in any way acceptable

flippyfloppyflower · 08/04/2018 19:08

OP: I am sorry but it is abuse. As we do not know all the dynamics of the relationship (how can we) have you thought your husband pretends to sleep so that he does not feed into your emotional drama. If you are that upset you are likely to be unpredictable and he is probably just exceptionally tired of all the drama and pretends to go to sleep.

There is NO excuse for any physical contact during an argument. If your PMS is so serious that you cannot control yourself I would get myself off to the GP. I would also discuss with my husband others ways of communicating,

toffee1000 · 08/04/2018 19:19

There’s a thread in Relationships at the moment where a woman has said her DH has hit her once. Slightly different context though. Everyone has advised she leave her DH.
PMS is no excuse. If you tell him it’s PMS then he may worry that the next time you get it you could do the same or worse. I’m not surprised he jumped out of bed and called you a psycho TBH.

RebelRogue · 08/04/2018 19:22

The relationship is unhealthy.
He avoids discussions/confrontation rightly or wrongly. How can you ever solve problems if you can't talk about it?
You became more physical than usual and blaming it all on the PMS. Let's face it you just wanted a reaction and you wanted it then.

Either get counselling, apart and together or time to call it quits. Whatever you're doing is not working and escalating.

Ohyesiam · 08/04/2018 19:33

Pms is no excuse, but it is a reason in part for your behaviour.
I found Lamberts have a supplement called Premtesse that has improved my life, and my families’ life too.

Bluntness100 · 08/04/2018 19:39

Pms is no excuse, but it is a reason in part for your behaviour

Is it fuck, I hate when women pull this shit. If she becomes uncontrollaable. It's on her to seek help. Not abuse her partner and use it as a convenient reason.

She did it because that's who she is. End of.

augustusglupe · 08/04/2018 19:48

Yes, it was abusive, but, Stonewalling does make you see red. And I don’t think for one second he was asleep. However, in future, just leave him alone, then you’re not labelled the abusive one and he gets to ‘sleep’.

I’ve been through real, nasty rows like this years ago and trust me they NEVER solve anything. Next time, remove yourself from the situation. Whether that’s going to bed first or going to make a cup of tea and stay away from him til things have cooled down.

Lellikelly26 · 08/04/2018 19:51

I think he is abusive to go to sleep and ignore you when he knows you are feeling that bad

OohMavis · 08/04/2018 20:05

Well of course it is. And he will call it abuse because that's what it is... Should he stop talking about it so you don't feel guilty, call it something else to make you feel better?

Threatening to leave if he doesn't stop making you feel awful about it, which is how I took your OP, is also abusive.

You need to seek help for your PMT. Urgently.

SmallBlondeMama · 08/04/2018 20:10

How old are you guys?? 5 years old?? These are not normal adult responses to have during a disagreement!

You should read the book Crucial Conversations which can help you get out of this toxic Silence & Violence pattern of "communication".

spoonless · 08/04/2018 20:11

Abuse is calculated

I think it can be a primitive impulse too. Most abusers aren't chess champions or psychologists but people who think they're the aggrieved party and too selfish to understand that they're not.

RoseWhiteTips · 08/04/2018 20:13

Is the OP too ashamed to return? Good. Hope she learns a lesson.

validusername1 · 08/04/2018 20:17

How old are you OP? You sound very stupid to not know that what you did was abuse...
I don't think you should leave him, I think he should pack your bags and chuck you out.

Mightymucks · 08/04/2018 20:26

So fucking typical for Mumsnet. Whenever a woman is violent towards a man there’s always a group who sneak out of the wordwork to say it must have been his fault, he brought it on himself. It’s ridiculous and just as bad as people who justify women ‘needing a slap’.

And I don’t think there is anything wrong with him ‘at stonewalling’. He is withdrawing from an argument with someone who is losing control. That is not just acceptable but advisable behaviour. It’s not like the OP was asking him for a civilised conversation.

mommy2018 · 08/04/2018 20:35

Love the way people are saying he's stonewalling her which is abusive. That's victim blaming in my book.

If he was a woman and the op a man every1 would be shouting from the roof tops that the oh isn't abusive at all but protecting themselves.

The OP states that she cannot 'leave' it alone and 'usually just pokes him', so this is repetitive behaviour and makes me wonder why her oh is trying to remove himself from the situation and going to sleep/pretending to sleep. She usually pokes him to get his attention so she can carry on her little arguement/drama. Pms is no excuse but it also doesn't just appear out of thin air & going by the OPS own words I say that this going to sleep business is a self defence reaction to something much worse if he stayed and argued the toss with her.

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