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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this abuse?

94 replies

doneanamechanger · 08/04/2018 16:30

Last night I did something awful. When my DH and I row, or when I'm upset about something and want to have it out with him, he often just goes to sleep, literally he can do that mid row. Sometimes I guess he's not asleep, just pretends but will not respond to me. Just lies there silently. Doesn't have to be a terrible row and just as likely to be his fault as mine. Anyway, I can't usually just leave it and especially not last night, as I have raging pms. Really bad. Last night, instead of just poking him, I poked him harder, flocked water at him and pinched him. I know this was totally wrong and I have apologised. Last night (when he flew out of bed after the pinching) he called me a psycho and said I had abused him. He still says this morning that it was abuse. I'm devastated, have never ever hit or lashed out at anyone in anger. Is he right? I've said to him if he feels like this I should leave. I would leave someone who I felt abused me but he says I'm over reacting I just need to accept it and move on but I can't as he's still labelling it abuse and I'm so worried I'm an abuser making excuses for myself. He asked me what I would call it. I don't know. I lost control due to pms and went too far.

OP posts:
BettyBaggins · 08/04/2018 16:48

I can appreciate his 'falling asleep' is incredibly frustrating but....no violence!

SomeKnobend · 08/04/2018 16:49

So he's stonewalling and you're pinching?! Lovely. Just get a bloody divorce already.

FranticallyPeaceful · 08/04/2018 16:50

Him ignoring the situation is probably very frustrating ... but abusive? Nah, I wouldn’t consider it emotionally abusive or anything of the sort. Just douchebaggy and annoying

What you did to him was abusive

5plusMeAndHim · 08/04/2018 16:51

are you sure he has not got catapexy.It is a disorder that makes sufferers look as though they have fallen asleep when they experience a strong emotions.It is not actually sleep, but it looks just like it?

FancyNewBeesly · 08/04/2018 16:52

I mean this kindly, but if your hormones are causing you so many problems that you feel they’re responsible for assaulting your husband, you need to see a doctor.

I was on a drug years ago that had a serious effect on my hormones and it turned me into a monster. There were times I locked myself in a bathroom and slammed my own head into a wall repeatedly because I had so much literal rage.

You know that if he did this to you, it would be abuse, so of course it’s abuse the other way round. Hormones aren’t an excuse but they may be a contributing factor and I think you need help with that.

Bumblefuddle · 08/04/2018 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 08/04/2018 16:56

Yes it was. Physical violence and you know it. If this was the other way round people would be urging you to call the police.

Kingsclerelass · 08/04/2018 17:01

Of course it's abuse. I'd throw out any man who started pinching me and dousing me in water.
Why are you together? It can't be fun for either of you.

user1492958275 · 08/04/2018 17:06

Pretty nasty of you, he clearly didn't want to argue. Poking and pinching him is absolutely abuse and flicking water at him is just cruel.

PMS is no excuse at all. Same as if roles were reversed.

LizzieDarcy1907 · 08/04/2018 17:14

You really need to seek medical help, and make a very serious apology to your DH. You both sound very unhappy if you need to be rowing to that degree to be honest.

JaneyEJones · 08/04/2018 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bexter801 · 08/04/2018 17:21

I think op you know you were wrong(I too am unrecognizable with pmt),but there's loads of things to help control this,please look into doing that,for your sake,as well as others who have your company around that time! As regards to your relationship,if it's worth giving it a try,then surely he and you both deserve you getting this sorted. Primrose oil surprisingly good(I find the pill makes me worse)

PurpleDaisies · 08/04/2018 17:21

It’s not ideal but neither is pretending to be asleep when someone is trying to have a serious conversation with you.

They’re not exactly in the same league though, are they?

Schlimbesserung · 08/04/2018 17:24

I don't think it's always useful to use words like "abuse", especially if you actually want to fix the problems in your marriage. Neither of you is blameless and you might want to think about seeking help both as a couple and for your PMS. (I'm not minimising the effects of PMS at all, but there are treatments for it and it sounds like you need to ask for medical help with yours).
The problem with words like "abuse" is that they kind of shut down a discussion or thought process and leave the only option seeming to be a split. It may be that the two of you can't be together safely, but it may be possible for you to work on a strategy for the next time you are irrationally (or indeed rationally) angry which does not involve violence.

JaneyEJones · 08/04/2018 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 08/04/2018 17:30

Yes it's abusive.

And take some personal responsibility and don't blame pms. And then to basically threaten to end the relationship if he calls it abuse.is emotional abuse.

Basically you've scored the hat trick. Congratulations. Go you.

Bluntness100 · 08/04/2018 17:33

So yes, in the same league imo

That's ridiculous. Refusing to engage with someone's irrational anger is not the same as physically hurting them. I can't believe you'd actually think it was.

Unless I guess you physically hurt your partner?

PurpleDaisies · 08/04/2018 17:35

So yes, in the same league imo.

Bollocks. Physically causing someone pain by poking and pinching them is worse.

Dvg · 08/04/2018 17:36

Yes it is, im a woman and have never had PMS like that, yes I get upset but not irrational.

JaneyEJones · 08/04/2018 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 08/04/2018 18:01

Janey, when someone stops interacting with you and just lies there silently and you state you can't stop (because of apparent raging pms) you do not flick water at them, prod them hard and then nip them. It's abusive. Him lying their silently is not. No matter how you try to dress it up to be his fault or him as equally as bad because she's a woman.

She is then making it worse. She's now threatening him with the whole I should leave if you think that as way of manipulating and bullying him into not using that word.

It's shitty abusive behaviour and the fact she's a woman doesn't change that.

mommy2018 · 08/04/2018 18:05

Ever think he goes to sleep or pretends too so he doesn't have to argue with u anymore? It's the same as walking away from an arguement.

And yes you physically abused him and then compounded it by emotionally abusing him.

I hate it when woman use pms as an excuse. I get terrible pms I get so bad that I want to rip every1s head off for the slightest thing (I'm even worse when pregnant) and I'm on hormone medication for it, but I have never since the age of 14 (had a spat with my brother that got way out of control) lashed out like that.

Just out of intrest, why did you do it? I mean, what did u hope to achieve by doing this?

I would suggest that if it esculate as u say with poking, then water and THEN pinching that he was actually asleep which is dangerous as what would of happened if he'd lashed out in a sleep haze not realising it was his wife attacking him?

magoria · 08/04/2018 18:06

I think he stonewalls you by going to or pretending to sleep which is shitty and could be abusive.

I think you were physically abusive. Don't minimise what you have done. Yes it is abuse. No excuses.

It sounds like a shit relationship on both sides.

Don't threaten to end it. End it. Get help for your anger and don't get into another relationship until you have your anger under control.

Mulberry72 · 08/04/2018 18:10

Sorry OP, but yes it is abusive.

PMS is no excuse at all.

Raven88 · 08/04/2018 18:11

I think it's immature but ignoring you isn't fair. You both need to learn to communicate. If I go to bed to avoid and argument it's because I can't deal with the stress of it. If my DH done what you did I would probably react the same.

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