Is this abuse?

[doneanamechanger]

Last night I did something awful. When my DH and I row, or when I'm upset about something and want to have it out with him, he often just goes to sleep, literally he can do that mid row. Sometimes I guess he's not asleep, just pretends but will not respond to me. Just lies there silently. Doesn't have to be a terrible row and just as likely to be his fault as mine. Anyway, I can't usually just leave it and especially not last night, as I have raging pms. Really bad. Last night, instead of just poking him, I poked him harder, flocked water at him and pinched him. I know this was totally wrong and I have apologised. Last night (when he flew out of bed after the pinching) he called me a psycho and said I had abused him. He still says this morning that it was abuse. I'm devastated, have never ever hit or lashed out at anyone in anger. Is he right? I've said to him if he feels like this I should leave. I would leave someone who I felt abused me but he says I'm over reacting I just need to accept it and move on but I can't as he's still labelling it abuse and I'm so worried I'm an abuser making excuses for myself. He asked me what I would call it. I don't know. I lost control due to pms and went too far.

Sounds like there’s a bit of stonewalling going on from him which is out order. But you deliberately set out to hurt him to get him to do what you wanted him to (which was presumably carry on the row?) which makes you just as bad as him in this case.

Also don’t waste your time blaming raging PMS. It’s never ok to behave that way and also it’s not going to help solve the issues you have with him.

Next time, remove yourself from the situation. Whether that’s going to bed first or going to make a cup of tea and stay away from him til things have cooled down.

So doing what he did but that's stone walling and abusive to pp's

Sounds like there’s a bit of stonewalling going on from him which is out order.

Bullshit victim blaming. Stonewalling is only wrong when the person being stonewalled is behaving reasonably. When you stop behaving reasonably you stop having the right to demand a reasonable response. If a woman had a partner who lost his rag and got poky at her nobody would be telling her she was obliged to carry on interacting with him.

Abuse in my book is when someone is controlled. From your op I doubt your husband feels controlled or helpless. You sound like me and my dh. I will argue all night and get really cross if he falls asleep. I've kicked him out of bed before!
However if your husband feels abused. Respect that.

married, it sounds like you’ve deliberately tailored a definition of abuse to suit you just so you can assure yourself you’re not an abuser. But you are. Keeping someone awake to argue is abuse.

Honestly your both at fault. You need to learn how to communicate. He sounds bloody irritating going to sleep and ignoring you that would give me the rage too! But physical violence isn’t the answer.

And married if a woman came on here and said her DH raged all night, kicked her out of bed and got angry if she fell asleep it would be a chorus of ‘LTB’, ‘get your ducks in a row’, ‘call women’s aid’!

yourself. Deliberate sleep deprivation is a well documented abusers tactic.

outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/sleep-deprivation

Im sure it would and it should if it's an issue. Neither my dh or I worry about stuff which happens when we argue. I get that some people find it hard to understand. Not my post though. Just another side to the argument.

Abuse is only when it’s about control?
I’m sure my ex would love to hear that he never actually abused me because I wasn’t controlled.

Anyway op. Yes it’s abuse. Not just last night but other nights. Poking someone isn’t acceptable which you clearly admit to frequently doing.
Walking away/pretending to sleep isn’t a bad thing. We are often told to walk away from an argument. He’s deciding to do that by sleeping, or pretending to be. There’s no point containing an argument beciase they are heated and often irrational as things get said that normally wouldn’t.

OneStepSideways

Put strategies in place to stop it happening again eg a rule that he doesn't stonewall you in the middle of a row (which would enrage even the calmest person)

What you have (quite interestingly) done their is victim blame.

Well done you (sarcasm)

Yes its abuse.

As is refusing to discuss and resolve issues. You're both abusing each other.

I think it's a clear sign when both partners behaviour can be described as abusive that it's time to call it quits.

Does it really matter who is more abusive? Or who is"driven" to it by the other's abusive ways? The situation is escalating already and the relationship is fucked.

When my child throws a tantrum I refuse to engage and walk away.

When a woman comes on here accusing her husband of abuse it's funny how no one ever tries to see his side of things.

NC for this.

OP- I used to do things like this to my DH all the time. I’ve always had a bad temper and if we had a row, I would occasionally get very aggressive and have scratched him, thrown things at him and been generally vile. I’m not sure where my anger stemmed from, I was never abused, had a great upbringing etc. When I had my DD (now 7) I decided to address my issues, which I should have done a lot sooner. I went to anger management councilling which helped a bit, but after another incident with my DH I went to see my GP. My aggression was always worse when I had PMT and the GP prescribed antidepressants for extreme PMT. I have been taking a low dose for the past 5 years and it’s changed my life. I still get angry but ‘normal angry’ it never escalates into aggression. I was reluctant to take them at first but it’s the best decision I ever made. It’s saved my marriage and I’m very happy in myself now although I’m bloody lucky that DH didn’t leave me. I’m not saying this is for everyone but some women have very bad PMT and just wanted to offer you a suggestion based on my own experience. Good luck x

Rubbish that pretending to be asleep is emotional abuse. If that’s a way to try and end the row/diffuse the situation, why shouldn’t OP’s DH do it. Unsurprising on here that despite the female being at fault, somehow it ends up the male’s though.

Violence is never the answer, no matter how "mild" it is or this reason for it.

Yep, JaneyJones, it is. Actually if you want to hear a really extreme example of it read a book about Levi Bellfield. He subjected his partner to horrendous abuse and torture and one of his prime methods was depriving her of sleep.