To have just lost my shit with my family.

[EphraimLevi]

Aaaargh it’s the holidays. Two teens and a 6yo, and DH.

DH had last week off and while it’s been lovely to have him here, he is just adding to the chaos. None of them pick up after themselves. I’m a SAHM so I’m normally happy to do everything, but they are just carrying on as normal even though they’re all here all day.

Earlier I said to DH that dinner was in 10 minutes, he took that as his cue to go into the garage ‘for ten minutes’. I ended up having to assemble dinner, clear the piles of other people’s crap off the table, lay the table, let the dog out and empty the bin because everyone else had fucked off. I was shouting for help through all this, not just being a martyr, and got replies of ‘just a sec!’.

I mentioned at the table that this wasn’t on, from anybody, that when I say dinner is soon that’s generally a cue to get things ready. Also that I was sick of picking up after everybody, especially as they’re here all day. DH looked pained (hates criticism) and DS nitpicked about none of it being his.

DD then complained that I’d had more lamb than her (I hadn’t), DH dealt with this by dumping his lamb on her plate. I said that wasn’t very fair, as I’d spent most of the day marinating, slow cooking, shredding and making flatbreads and he was basically going without to make his point. The rest of dinner was then a sulky, tense affair from all sides.

It’s DD’s day to wash up which she has only just ‘finished’. It’s taken an hour because she’s been coming in both doors to the front room (leaving both open) to wind the 6yo up, ask questions and generally procrastinate. I’ve just been out to the kitchen and although she’s unstacked the dishwasher she’s left all the clean stuff out on the side, the worktops are filthy and the table is unwiped.

I went upstairs to tell her to come down and nearly tripped over DS1’s clean washing basket which is still outside his room since I gave it to him this morning. Ds2’s room is utterly destroyed and I said ‘oh for fuck’s sake, I’ve only just tidied it’ and DH helpfully piped up that ‘we’ could both tidy it tomorrow.

I think I just sort of screeched at that point. Noise but no words. Burst into tears and now I’m sitting in my front room snarling at anyone who comes in. Fuck them. I think I might just stay in bed all day tomorrow.

AIBU?

This thread reads like martyrs r us! I just don’t get why so many woman still live as domestic help. This is your family, surely it’s your responsibility to make your kids self sufficient.

DH works very hard and I don’t really expect him to do stuff round the house

Good grief. He works hard. You don't then, is what you're implying? Or do you actually not see housework and home management as work?

Lamb kebabs

I used a shoulder this time but a leg works too.

Score the lamb with deep crisscrosses.

Make a paste with a pestle and mortar of roughly a tbs each of cumin seeds, coriander seeds, paprika and three or four cloves, and then olive oil. Smother it all over the lamb and leave for a couple of hours in the fridge.

Put the lamb in a big pot with a lid. Put a halved onion in the bottom and about an inch of water, splash of wine too maybe. Cook it at 140 for 5-7 hours. Shred and serve with flatbreads, chilli sauce, mayo and salad etc.

I also did a cabbage and onion salad, shredded and left to marinate with white wine vinegar, lemon juice, sugar and chilli salt.

DH does do things! He has taken the kids out, we both decluttered the garage this week (all day job), he’s fixed the downstairs loo. But he doesn’t do much in the way of tidying or cleaning. He does make me endless cups of coffee when he’s home though.

Funnily enough I did do it for Easter Sunday but with two legs.

They all clamoured for it again. But I think you’re right. Pasta pesto today.

Some great meal ideas on here. Nothing makes me more frazzled than a fussy dinner. The extra effort equals the anger you feel at disrespect, real or otherwise.

To make it worse, my dh volunteered our home as a venue for the family for the Grand National, ie around ten people, buffet etc, drinks. Last year dd1 sulked and left because her horse did not win and I said I was not putting up with that again. When we got in the car he said he was "only joking".

My gc's live with me, teenagers, and I do go a bit mad about the state of their rooms. Whoever said Martyrs r Us is absolutely spot on because they do their jobs so badly I would rather do it myself.

Omg I feel every word you wrote. I was not a SAHM but seemed to be the only person in the house who took responsibility for any of it. If I didn’t direct them what to do nothing would be done.
Every so often ( a couple of times a year) I would go into rage , throw clothes at kids, scream etc then they would all tiptoe round for a week or two beingcontrite til it wore off a bit
My advice is, have a duvet day tomorrow and use it to write a matrix giving them responsibilities - one ensuring bins are emptied and new liners ( you have to be very specific) one to fold and put away washing etc etc. The other trick I used with teenagers is every time they asked to be driven somewhere, or to go to some function or another I would look in their room. If it wasn’t tidy, it wasn’t happening. That worked really well.
Even getting rid of a couple of jobs like this helps to keep you sane.

DS 6 wants DD 10 to join him in Minecraft, DD doesn't want to. I don't want to make her breakfast, do her washing or buy her food today.

None of them pick up after themselves.
I’m a SAHM so I’m normally happy to do
everything,

So what makes you think they’re going to change now? You need to tow the line, full stop!

Yanbu

I don't understand why DH and teens don't do anything.

Trouble with housework is that if you have done it, nobody cares or notices. If you haven’t done it, everybody complains.

The other trouble is that housework is relentless, so unlike DIY or tidying the garage, you can’t just put it off for a few days.

The other thing about housework over DIY is that most of it is endlessly dull and intellectually unchallenging (except for some cookery), so hardly anyone actually enjoys doing it.

I don’t really have an answer except maybe make yourself unavailable for a few days. Can you go on a short holiday??? You work 7 days a week, so you need a few days off.

I am currently injured, and am not supposed to walk too much, so can’t do much housework. I have a DP who thinks housework is beneath him and two younger teenage DCs. The DCs are being fantastic about helping round the house - one of them is doing all the washing up. The other puts bins out, gets washing in and will wash the kitchen floor today. House is much dirtier than usual though. I think they now have a better appreciation of what I do. DP is a lost cause - it doesn’t matter what I say to him, he won’t help.

Anyway, I feel your pain OP. YANBU.

Make sure you have some complete days off. Oh and do you do anything for yourself? Go to gym? Lunch with friends?

I would have binned the dinner if no one was going to help. Also anything on the floor would go in the bin.

Everyone helps in our house even my 20 month old knows to take his plate to the kitchen and put things in the bin. You need to put your foot down.

You need to direct him to clear and lay the table etc, do washing, odd jobs etc

Why? Is her husband incapable of seeing the things on the table or the dishes in the sink?

You've just thrown me back to when my five lived at home. Giving any one of them a job would just result in 'why should I do xxx when (a.n other child) isn't doing anything?
Giving all five jobs resulted in nothing being done because, apparently, if one of them wasn't doing something properly then none of them had to lift a finger. Rotas meant that everyone would swap jobs to find one they liked then all forgetting which job they'd got, and nothing getting done (except lots of arguing. My God do I remember the arguing).

They've all left home, I live in splendid isolation, and whenever one or more come back they can't do enough around the house! I only have to mention the hoover and I come back to everywhere vaccuumed and tidied. Having their own places has sorted them out a treat. So it's not permanent, and doing everything for them (which I used to end up doing to stop the fights to the death that would result over someone not doing someone else's swapped rota job) doesn't mean they will be inacapable of housework forever after.

Which doesn't help you right now, but it makes me feel better.

I'm the opposite of you, op. My house is messy and I rarely cook. An untidy house won't do any harm as long as the kitchen and bathroom are cleaned once a week. My family are all expected to help with household tasks or jobs won't get done. Marinating food sounds like a lot of effort - my lot are impressed if they see me washing vegetables instead of using frozen!

You need to relax your standards a bit and insist on your family doing their share. Can your teens and DH cook (and clean up afterwards) once a week? I've found being a bad cook has meant that my DCs are all brilliant at it.

You are trying too hard. Get a job outside the home then your family would have to help and play an equal part. All of your children are now at school. They might respect you more if you had your own life outside the home and did not behave like a martyr.
Would they really mind if you didn't cook elaborate meals but you were more cheerful as a result?

Stop doing everything for them.

How are tour kids supposed to learn to do stuff if you’re always doing it for them

Weekends and holidays everyone should be pitching in. Your kids should be cleaning up after themselves ALWAYS.

OP - the problem is your family are used to you doing everything happily during term time, so why would they suddenly develop self awareness during the holidays ?
I think the occasional hissy fit/tantrum is good - shows children that parents are human beings too and can be pushed too far.

I dont agree that husbands need training - ffs they are not animals, and they develop learned helplessness because women often let them, so i have no sympathy for husband, but children, well they do need a little guidance ( training) and your older ones are old enough to understand.

I would be drawing up a chore list, and allocating things that are reasonable. And a family meeting to explain( lay law down) that your job is indeed house keeper/manager etc but like they get holidays from school, you are entitled to holidays too, and you will not be doing more than you usually do during their holidays. Its not in your job description .

Maybe get everyone to write lists of what they think needs doing to keep a household running ( this worked well with my teens) ...it was real wake up call to them, and then allocate out what is reasonable under your job description for you to continuw doing and then allocate others to them. the point being that there is extra work involved during the holidays and you are not taking this on.

The trouble with taking a step back from constantly cleaning up other people’s mess is that because they never see a mess to begin with they don’t notice it getting worse. Then you end up with a bit of a shit tip that drives you mad and is even more hard work to sort out.

My husband makes the odd sarcastic remark if he has to deal with the mess occasionally. He notices when I don’t do it and takes it for granted when I do. I can’t win.

I love all these people saying 'would' and 'should'...of course they 'should' help! And they know they should! But they don't want to, and it's incredibly hard to physically make people do things they really don't want to...

And if you down tools from now on, it will be your fault the place is a tip/there's no food/the laundry isn't done.

Mothers can't win.

My little tantrum seems to have had the desired effect. DH tidied and sorted ds2’s room with him, and they’ve been playing board games up there for the last hour or so. DS1 has put his washing away, DD has been sweet and I’ve done nothing apart from general tidying, lunch and pressing the button on the Roomba. It’s been lovely.

I’m sure it won’t last, but then I dont often get that stressed about it.