To have just lost my shit with my family.

[EphraimLevi]

Aaaargh it’s the holidays. Two teens and a 6yo, and DH.

DH had last week off and while it’s been lovely to have him here, he is just adding to the chaos. None of them pick up after themselves. I’m a SAHM so I’m normally happy to do everything, but they are just carrying on as normal even though they’re all here all day.

Earlier I said to DH that dinner was in 10 minutes, he took that as his cue to go into the garage ‘for ten minutes’. I ended up having to assemble dinner, clear the piles of other people’s crap off the table, lay the table, let the dog out and empty the bin because everyone else had fucked off. I was shouting for help through all this, not just being a martyr, and got replies of ‘just a sec!’.

I mentioned at the table that this wasn’t on, from anybody, that when I say dinner is soon that’s generally a cue to get things ready. Also that I was sick of picking up after everybody, especially as they’re here all day. DH looked pained (hates criticism) and DS nitpicked about none of it being his.

DD then complained that I’d had more lamb than her (I hadn’t), DH dealt with this by dumping his lamb on her plate. I said that wasn’t very fair, as I’d spent most of the day marinating, slow cooking, shredding and making flatbreads and he was basically going without to make his point. The rest of dinner was then a sulky, tense affair from all sides.

It’s DD’s day to wash up which she has only just ‘finished’. It’s taken an hour because she’s been coming in both doors to the front room (leaving both open) to wind the 6yo up, ask questions and generally procrastinate. I’ve just been out to the kitchen and although she’s unstacked the dishwasher she’s left all the clean stuff out on the side, the worktops are filthy and the table is unwiped.

I went upstairs to tell her to come down and nearly tripped over DS1’s clean washing basket which is still outside his room since I gave it to him this morning. Ds2’s room is utterly destroyed and I said ‘oh for fuck’s sake, I’ve only just tidied it’ and DH helpfully piped up that ‘we’ could both tidy it tomorrow.

I think I just sort of screeched at that point. Noise but no words. Burst into tears and now I’m sitting in my front room snarling at anyone who comes in. Fuck them. I think I might just stay in bed all day tomorrow.

AIBU?

Poor you OP. Do feel it. Often feel like an unpaid, unappreciated house slave. Have a lie in and piss off some place nice for the day. Tell DH "I may be gone sometime......".

Shops are all open Sunday ....get yourself something nice!! 😀

Ah I know the feeling I lost my shit for similar reasons but the final straw was DS's inability to pair up socks and put them into four separate piles Apparently even though DH and I share socks and they are all the same brand and all black and DS and his brother share socks which are again all the same brand and all black this was just a stretch to far for your average 13 year old to cope with.

I screeched but there were words some not that suitable for a 13 year old I admit . Even the dog has been giving me sideways glances since

I think your expectations to date have given your family a false impression about what's acceptable and what's not. They need to be pulling their weight better during term time, but would that mean you need more in your life?

Definitely not been unreasonable. My DH is so untidy, leaves clutter allover. I have 3dc 1/6/9 and tbh I've had enough. DH isn't lazy, but my god he is untidy and he just acts bewildered if I question it. So yea I lost my shit yesterday too!

Thinking of your dd with the dishes. I remember as a teen having fights with my dad over doing one part but never completing the task . He could never get it and we ended up fighting. Roll on the years and me and my equally lazy siblings looked after him in his old age providing him with endless care and attention. So don't despair . They will grow up and become responsible adults. Meanwhile take a book to a coffee shop tomorrow. They are not unusual.

My lot went off to a football match miles away today leaving the kitchen like a bomb site which I was so tempted to leave. I was pissed off but then after a couple of hours I really missed them being here. Can't win!

I don't understand the 'have tomorrow off' posts. This really won't solve anything. Don't get me wrong I also have these on-going issues but I have found that drip drip drip does work.

For starters stop picking up/putting away etc anything that doesn't belong to you. If you say '10 minutes until dinner' - serve up and leave it. Eat yours. If they don't turn up - tough it's cold.

The problem here is that you are enabling their behaviour. You have to STOP doing stuff.

Frankly, if someone washed and dried my clothes, cooked my meals, washed my dishes etc........I'd just let them.......

lostlemon the point about staying in bed or going out for the day helps in 2 specific ways.

1. It de-escalates. The OP is angry, she shouted (which is, given how she describes it in her OP, unusual for her). Absenting herself gives her time to calm down, so she can communicate clearly and calmly with her family.

1. If she's not there, then they have to cope without her (a) realising how much she does (b) giving them the opportunity to miss her (c) them having to deal with the consequence of making things work by themselves. (D) so if the OP then comes back at the end of the day saying "let's sit down and talk, what do we all,want, let's make some family rules" they can join in that conversation with some understanding

Hth

One other thought from reading all the posts: there is a LOT on here about the stress of maintaining cleanliness/tidiness standards when there are more people than usual around in the house for longer. I'm saying this knowing most posters on here will disagree with me, but I'm going to say it anyway.
If your house is normally (during term/work time) clean and tidy to a certain standard that pleases YOU, then relax it during the holidays. Esp if your partner/children don't notice or care. Accept there will be more clutter and mess, and let it go.
However, if your partner and dc moan that the place is untidy or not clean, then they have a responsibility to contribute to making be that way when they're around more, making that mess and capable of helping to sort it.

I write this knowing most posters will flame me for having this view,
.

I'm going to have to have a conversation with the DC when they get back from ExP on Monday. One of them cracked a pane of the double glazing at some point, and hid it, so I only saw it today. If whichever one of them had told me, I'd still be cross, but it wouldn't be so bad.

I'm already knackered from trying to deal with the fact that they do pretty much fuck all re: housework, yet trash the living room fairly consistently. Yes, my fault for allowing it, but I know I've given up a bit, because they just don't seem to care, and I don't have anyone to back me up.

I worked my arse off to make this a home for us. I give up a bit.

You are a SAHM, So this is your job, so stop complaining !! I am a stay at home single retired person, with three cats, and I never complain about anything. !

Sounds like you have four children not three. Your husband massively needs to sort himself out.

Thing is, if you relax your standards and leave the mess, when the holiday is over, the house if 100x worse because nothing was done.

I get you.

I find Christmas and Easter really stressful with everyone home and the mess associated with it. DD has just gone back to uni and it's the first time I have seen her floor and the bottom of the laundry basket in two weeks.

1ForAll I'm also a SAHM. DH cooks for himself and does all the cleaning because I'm shit at it, I expect DD 10 to take in her plate and wipe the table, as my DC get older I give them more responsibilities, otherwise how will they survive when they leave home?

I think you need to chill a bit OP.

If people are not there when dinner is ready and you have told them then it gets cold.
I dump clean laundry outside bedroom doors. If it is not lifted after a few days I move it inside the bedroom. The state of their room is their business, not mine. No laundry gets done unless it is in the communal laundry basket.
To be fair they are pretty tidy teens. OH empties the dishwasher- always when he is home.
Gives me more time to drink wine.

Sounds like you've taken the route of least resistance too much by doing it yourself

When I was younger myself and 3 siblings all knew what was expected of us, and knew the consequences. Whilst I don't agree with some of my parents tasks for us (who needs to do dusting every day in the holidays!) , I do think they had the right idea. E.g. We always knew which nights we were laying the table, dinner was always at 6 so we always knew to start in time to be done by then. Dishwasher loaded of an evening, emptied before breakfast. Washing in the basket in the hall else it wouldn't get done.

Set your expectations, and stick to them. And let actions have consequences.

I'm with you OP. The first week my husband was home as well and although lovely to have family time I was getting overwhelmed at the additional mess. This week just the kiddies but their fighting just wore me down. Husband now home for the weekend and yesterday he tells me I look exhausted. Well duh!!!! I've spent 2 weeks constantly mopping up spilt juice, clearing umpteen cups and plates away and trying to keep on top of the increased washing. No one seems to notice that the dishwasher isn't magically unloaded by faries, nor do these faries feed the cats, change the litter tray or bins, do the laundry, clean the toothpaste off every flipping inch of the bathroom, or pick up after everyone.

The best bit is DH will moan that the lounge/dining rooms are a tip and need the lot dumping yet when you look round it's actually all his. Then he shuts up, but doesn't tidy it up.

Yesterday I gave up, declared pmt had me on my last nerve (true) and dh at least sorted out the kids and bought me wine.

Roll on Monday, everyone back to work and school and I can try to get my house back to a decent state.

I’m feeling a lot more zen about the whole thing this morning. I was just feeling like a bit of a mug yesterday.

I don’t have crazy high standards for the house, I’m actually really laid back usually, but the levels of clutter when everyone’s here really does stress me out and I think I just reached tipping point last night. They’re a good bunch really, and DH works very hard and I don’t really expect him to do stuff round the house, but it did get to the point yesterday where I thought Fuck this, you all think I’m your maid.

I’m going to do nothing today. Pasta for dinner and everything else can wait. DS2 can tidy his room with help from Daddy and if they don’t put their laundry away that’s their look out.

Hope you are feeling better this morning.

When i was a teenager my mum lost it one day with me and my teenage siblings and said anything that wasn’t picked up or tidied away at the end of the day went in the bin. She did it too, in the outside dustbin with all the food rubbish! Had to wash off my favourite trainers one day! But we very quickly learned that lesson.

My mother left my dirty pants on the floor for a week for all to see, that sorted the problem out permanently particularly as the day she choose to stop picking up after me was the day I had just brought home my new boyfriend home!!

I’d do sandwiches and cut up apple/carrot/fruit for a couple of days. Lunch, tea, it’s sandwiches.
Perhaps a choice of fillings (ham, chicken or cheese, but something out of a packet or perhaps peanut butter or spread)
Then when they can be a bit more civil towards your cooking, start cooking again.

I want the lamb recipe but not the ungrateful teenagers.

DH works very hard and I don’t really expect him to do stuff round the house

I'm sorry but I don't really get this.

My husband works very hard too, but I'm not his maid and he doesn't expect me to be. Whether you're a stay at home mum or not, it doesn't mean that you have to do EVERYTHING.

You need to organise/project manage them. Why isn't your DH taking the DCs out in the day since he'e off? eg swimming, walk in the park (between showers) - to give you a break. You need to direct him to clear and lay the table etc, do washing, odd jobs etc.

I'd also like the lamb recipe minus the teenagers! I've got a 6yo ds who is strop incarnate and has to be stood over to do anything, but it's worth making him do it so he can't claim a lack of knowledge when older!