Fecking hoarding by proxy. Anyone else have relatives who do this?

[TheQueenOfWands]

My mum just found an old, filthy, partially deflated football near my house.

It's now in my garden. The same garden which I've recently spent great time and expense tidying up and decorating.

Why? Well, I'll tell you why. Apparently a child will be 'overjoyed' to receive it once it's been cleaned up and reinflated. Also, there's too much stuff in landfill so it's obviously not on to simply throw it out.

Today is my only day off from work. I worked 72 hours last week and 50 this week. I have no interest in laundering footballs and don't have a clue how I'd reinflate it. I also don't know any children, let alone any who would be overjoyed to receive a vaguely scrubbed, badly inflated foot ball.

This isn't the first time she's done this. My parents do this quite a lot.

It's such a shame to throw something out so obviously I have to make use of it or DS would be thrilled with it.

Aaargh!!

Doesn't help that I've recently been decluttering (much love to Marie Kondo) and am happy doing so.

They know this. Yet are still determine to fill my house with crap or visibly recoil when they see me give/throw something away.

I have read that in severe cases hoarding can be considered a form of OCD- it is compulsive fear of not having enough or having strong inexplicable attachments to random-seeming junk Eveforever so yeah, I think you have a point.

MIL is now having to move to sheltered accommodation and has thoughtfully suggested I take over the collection of hideous doll's houses she has curated over the years and currently reside from floor to ceiling in her back bedroom.
She thinks it's a collection I could continue to build up myself as a nice hobby.
At least she has kept them at home - I wouldn't appreciate arriving home to find them adorning the front garden.

Eve it is possible it's a mental health issue but people are not obliged to allow this to impact their own lives. Certainly not to the extent of some of the stories posted here. No one can force another person to seek help (if that's actually needed but it's not always a mental health issue) but we can all decide what we will and won't allow in our own homes. And gardens come to think of it... We don't always have to put other people's feelings above our own.

Even if it is a MH problem I'm not sure playing along and acting as though the behaviour is perfectly fine is in any way helpful. That's just allowing them to tell themselves there's nothing wrong with what they're doing and ignore the effect and sometimes distress being caused to others.

*My parents do this.

Bought up in the war I think has a lot to do with it*

This in spades. My DParents are the same/worse. Both in 80s (so post War rationing)

I spent several weeks last year and this year moving things out, this year I took my car so I could load things in a discard (Charity Shop/skip as appropriate)

Main issue that tipped it was safety, all this STUFF in the house .

The 'permission' aspect and the giving the responsibility to get rid of things really does resonate. My DMum bought some curtains (nice enough but wouldn't go in their house) just because they were a 'bargain' but she never parted with them until she said "OK, I'll give these to you and you do something with them" , so they went to the charity shop , they were still wrapped )

She keeps boxes and baskets, they all get filled with random tat, so once they're emptied , the boxes need to go in recycle.
The only reason she cannot fill my house with things is they live too far away and she's not mobile.
But my Dad shows me random things and asks if my DC would like it, I graciously decline "Erm no, teens don't read books nowadays, they use iPhones"

Who needs 4 books about cooking with herbs and 14 Bibles? (my Dmum that's who)

I'd just chuck it in the bin when she leaves

My MIL is like this, always trying to palm off tat/crap she’s picked up God knows where!

Luckily DH tells her straight that we don’t want/like/need it and to take it back with her. She huffs & puffs a bit, but we can live with that.

My FIL is like this and it drives me and my DH insane! Luckily when he decides to dump stuff at the house, DH just sorts through it and it goes straight to charity, recycling etc... FIL won’t ever change but dread when we have to clear out their house. His parents were the same and kept every toy he ever had... they now have those v old toys (now FIL parents have died) and the ones from their own kids incase the grandchildren want to play with them... Fair enough you’d keep a few of the ones that are safe etc but not everything!

I am dreading the time when she dies, and it falls to me (only child) to sort through her things.

Yep. While I don't plan on shuffling off this mortal coil just yet I've got rid of almost all my cutter so my DC don't have to much of a job when I do. I think all older parents should, it's not fair on our DC.

My DGM lives next door to us and has a shopping/ hoarding thing. She gives me everything from packets of vegetables to pans to canvas prints - then guilt trips me if I say no. I massively offends her if I decline. Drives me nuts!!

Yes, I blame the war. They had nothing and wasted nothing

Not necessarily. DF was born in 1917 and DM in 1921. DM was a shocking hoarder, DF something of a minimalist. DF was the one who grew up the more impoverished. DM's family were 'comfortable' and didn't want for much.

My dmum once tried to give me a clown pyjama holder she won in a raffle
I reminded her I can't stand clowns and firmly said no thanks.
I don't know who invents unnecesssary shite like pyjama holders anyway.

Teacuphiccup. She really needs help. I think you’ve grown so used to it you only see it as a bit weird, when in fact, it’s very weird. Very sad too.

My Mum is mid ‘70’s & my Dad would have been too. They are very much post war minded. However, they are/we’re both very good at organising things and being tidy. My Dad’s garage/workshop is really full, but incredibly tidy and organised. There’s always exactly the bit of wood you need or that odd sized screw. All labelled. My Dad died unexpectedly several years ago and my Mum is now sorting her/their things out, which is very hard, but it’s going to destroy me sorting my Dad’s workshop/garage out.

Being ‘Wartime babies’ doesn’t mean hoarding any old shit, it means being careful with useful things and storing them properly so you can find them to use them in the future.

Mil Is like this buys loads for the kids from junk shops, but I havr 4 children and she like to be 'fair" so if one get a charity shop book, the other three get one each. If one gets a shit toy I end up with 3 others. I have put my foot down many times and I think it's put a huge strain on our relationship as I dread seeing her as we get more stuff shoved at us and i always look mean saying I don't want it. She goes through stages of respecting my wishes and then like this week things start creeping back up she turned up this week with three massive sticker boos a puppet three tops and a bag. All of which I told her to keep if she done to every week which she would happily do afyer a month I'd have to find space for over 30 items if not more. It's not fun and this is my house. I don't want other people's crap.

CocoPuffsInGodMode I never suggested that people should 'allow' another person's mental health issue to impact their lives, although, as with many other illnesses, it undoubtedly will have some impact on friends and relatives. I also agree that people should decide what should go into their own homes, which why in my first post on this thread I suggest saying no to her mother, or taking the items, but throwing them away. I disagree that supporting someone with a mental health issue is akin to putting their feelings above our own. A mental issue is not a feeling.

The point I was trying to make is that aiming to get someone who is possibly suffering from a mental health problem to recoil is cruel and I cannot see how that could be helpful.

I didn't say that playing along and acting like the behaviour is perfectly fine is the way to go. If I thought my mother had a mental health problem I would be encouraging her to go to her GP and trying to read up on the disorder with the particular aim of finding out I can help and how I could deal with the problem.

Hoarding is a distressing disorder for the sufferers and their loved ones. However, I have already mentioned that sufferers typically have poor insight into the problem, so they may not be ignoring the problem, it could be they don't see it. It could also be that they don't know how to handle the situation, hoarding can be a very overwhelming problem.

'Yes I'm sure he will love it but he already had one at our house so this can be for yours.' Just repeat over and over if they say they have no room say 'neither donwe and it's wasteful to have doubles!' That way either the clutter is their problem or the may stop finding so many amazing things either way it's a win!

Also, I never said it was a mental health issue, it's just a possibility and the OP hasn't given us enough information to make an educated guess either way. Other posts do seem to involve a people with mental health issues though.

There's hoarding - lots of bits and pieces and there's real hoarding.

If you've ever experienced real hoarding, you'll not mistake it. I am talking about homes where you literally cannot see the carpet, or open the door of some rooms, such is the level of hoarding.

This isn't hoarding, it's a just typical saving a bob or two madness!

Bin it, if she asks: there was a hole in it and the bike shop said beyond repair

Op - how long would it take to sort this ball out? An hour of your time? A new low quality football costs around £3. Unless you are v short of cash or v desperate for a football, don't do DIY jobs where you value your time below the minimum wage.

Give your time a value, then allow yourself to believe that your mum is the one being wasteful if she tries to use your time in a way that will give you less than its value.

Tell them that you won't be doing any "jobs" that are worth less than your hourly value.

Tell them if you wouldn't go out and buy something (like another football), then it is wasteful of them to fill the limited space in your house/garden with something you don't need or want, not you being wasteful to throw it out.

They should check you want something before dumping it on you, it is them being wasteful to give something to someone who doesn't need or want it, if you house it and don't use it, then that's just as wasteful as putting it in the bin. If they don't want things to go to waste, they must make sure they find someone who can use it, as storing something you'll need use is as wasteful as binning it - the thing is being just as wasted.

You might have to point this out multiple times - but be clear you won't let them define it as you being wasteful, you will tell them they are being wasteful for collecting whatever it is and giving it to someone who has no use for it.

For a thing to avoid being wasted, the onus is on them to find a recipient who can use it, you are not obliged to use it.

I don't think my mum has a mental health issue.

But she does enjoy trying to fill my house/put her own stamp on it.

For example making things for the house which are her taste but not mine. Or telling me she's going to rip the ivy from my fence, even though she knows I love it.

She's got a thing about letting herself in, too. I work nights and she'll often say, "I can let myself in and just creep around quietly..." No!!

I did 'lose' my key a while back and take hers but she nagged and nagged for a replacement. Even went and got it cut. I've just been browsing new locks online. She mentioned earlier about my garden and I wouldn"'t put it past her to trash it while I was asleep.

I left home at 17 because I wasn't allowed my own space, they went through my bin frequently. At the time I thought they were nosy, now I think it was to make sure I wasn't throwing something the deemed 'useful' away.

pigsDOfly
When they come to my home they will bring the, often broken, dirty old toys that the grandchildren of their friends have discarded, for my DGC.

Because other people's broken rubbish is good enough for you and upir GC. Fucking cheek.

The ball had teeth marks in it, BTW.

Fairly certain a local doggo felt this ball was beneath him and left it behind...

My mum does this, we call her Grandma Womble as a result. I've threatened to start frisking her at the door.

Reading your update - time to be honest. Call her

"Mum, thought I'd be honest with you, I've put that manky ball in the bin. I don't want it and I've decided I'm not going to have things in my house anymore that you have decided to give me. Don't waste your time and money on things for my house anymore as unless I've asked for it, I'm going to put it straight in the bin, I know that will upset you, so figured best we don't go there. Also, I've got the garden the way I want so I'm telling you now, I'll be angry not grateful if you mess with it trying to help me. It's not a help."

Change your locks, tell her she's not having a key. If she asks why not, tell her it's because she's proved she can't be trusted not to let herself in.

Let her get upset and angry- someone has to be upset and angry, you or her, she doesn't care if you are upset, so you aren't obliged to avoid her being upset.

Someone mentioned a skip? We're on skip 7...