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Original poster

Fecking hoarding by proxy. Anyone else have relatives who do this?

364 replies

TheQueenOfWands · 07/04/2018 11:36

My mum just found an old, filthy, partially deflated football near my house.

It's now in my garden. The same garden which I've recently spent great time and expense tidying up and decorating.

Why? Well, I'll tell you why. Apparently a child will be 'overjoyed' to receive it once it's been cleaned up and reinflated. Also, there's too much stuff in landfill so it's obviously not on to simply throw it out.

Today is my only day off from work. I worked 72 hours last week and 50 this week. I have no interest in laundering footballs and don't have a clue how I'd reinflate it. I also don't know any children, let alone any who would be overjoyed to receive a vaguely scrubbed, badly inflated foot ball.

This isn't the first time she's done this. My parents do this quite a lot.

It's such a shame to throw something out so obviously I have to make use of it or DS would be thrilled with it.

Aaargh!!

Doesn't help that I've recently been decluttering (much love to Marie Kondo) and am happy doing so.

They know this. Yet are still determine to fill my house with crap or visibly recoil when they see me give/throw something away.

OP posts:
Eveforever · 07/04/2018 16:39

They? Is it both your parents? What did you say and do about the damage to your back gate?

Original poster
TheQueenOfWands · 07/04/2018 16:41

No. They rang me repeatedly while I was at work and when I finally called back during my break and explained I was working they said, "But we're trying to ring you...!"

They assumed I'd left the key in the lock on the other side which was 'careless' and 'stupid'.

OP posts:
Chwaraeteg · 07/04/2018 16:42

I'm so glad there's a term for this. My mother is terrible for it! I got off the phone to her a few minutes ago - she has been helping a relative move today and was alternately moaning about how she doesn't have time for it because she needs to sort out the junk out in her own house before her ceiling comes through and moaning about the things said relative was throwing away and how she's rescuing said items (pictures from nursery walls, Teddy bears etc). It's like she doesn't understand that things have to be gotten rid of occasionally if you don't want your house to be at the stage where the ceiling is groaning under the weight of your junk.

Original poster
TheQueenOfWands · 07/04/2018 16:42

Back gate is mended and now has a gert big red padlock on it.

You can't miss it.

OP posts:
Eveforever · 07/04/2018 16:43

And breaking your back gate is careful and intelligent?!

moofolk · 07/04/2018 16:44

My MIL once brought me some empty yoghurt pots. She thought they 'might be useful for the kids.'

Frogletmamma · 07/04/2018 16:49

Im terrible. Found a vegetable rack today someone had thrown out. Scrubbed. Returned home and filled with vegetables. Last month we found a perfectly good wok. Nothing wrong with a bit of upcycling and if its really beyond redemption there are waste collections and charity shops.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/04/2018 16:49

Bin it.

Tell her a fox ran off with it.

Or that you gave it to a passing waif. ("His little face, Mum! You should have seen it! The disappointment at being handed a piece of crap!")

CoffeeOrSleep · 07/04/2018 16:59

Can you pop round to your Mums with the broken ball, drop it round and say "I've realised I dont ahve the time to sort this out and I don't want or need another football, so as you don't think it should be binned, her you go - you can have it back."

Give back everything, take it to her house and leave it there "I don't want or need this, but as you liked it so much, here you go, I'm sure you'll find use for it."

Every time.

And change the locks and tell them they can't have a key as you don't think they will ever need to use it as you don't want them in your house when you arent there, so you'll just let them in.

BonnieF · 07/04/2018 17:03

There is a very useful little word in the English language.

No.

If anyone tried to foist their old tat and junk on me, they would hear that word as many times as necessary for it to sink in. They would soon learn...

iknowimcoming · 07/04/2018 17:33

Good lord OP - no wonder you have anxiety and depression when your home is not your own! Definitely get additional locks and tell your parents they can't have keys if they ask. Can I suggest some counselling/therapy to help you be more assertive with them? My ils used to let themselves in with the spare key and I hated it - it was totally a power thing. Sadly my mils handbag got stolen with our keys in it and we had to have our locks changed so after that we refused to give them keys again. They do the stuff thing too but we have a permanent box in the spare room which gets filled with crap they bring and when it's full it gets taken to a charity shop and we start again. We do have to remember to hide it when they stay over tho lol!

Teacuphiccup · 07/04/2018 18:10

^There is a very useful little word in the English language.

No.

If anyone tried to foist their old tat and junk on me, they would hear that word as many times as necessary for it to sink in. They would soon learn...^

I’ve told my mother no so many times it’s ridiculous, when I say no she cries and tells people I’m being horrible to her and ‘ungrateful’.
Sometimes it’s not as simple as just saying no.

OnTheRise · 07/04/2018 19:15

I’ve told my mother no so many times it’s ridiculous, when I say no she cries and tells people I’m being horrible to her and ‘ungrateful’.
Sometimes it’s not as simple as just saying no.

This is just another way for her to keep controlling you, Teacup.

You have to stand your ground. She'll soon learn.

I know it feels harsh, but you can't let her keep manipulating you like that.

Teacuphiccup · 07/04/2018 19:20

she’ll soon learn

No she won’t.
That’s fine, I know she won’t, I’ve come to terms with her I love her how she is but she won’t ‘soon learn’ and it’s really irritating for people to say things like that about dealing with people you love who have mental health issues.
It’s like saying to someone with an autistic child that they just need discipline or a routine.

Winterdown · 07/04/2018 19:23

Yes. This is older people. Psychologically unable to part with something, so they give it to you. It eases their anxiety. My aging auntie knits stuff for me. Hundreds and hundreds of little hats for my children. Because she has spent a lifetime amassing too much yarn. Hoarders. Loathe them.

pigsDOfly · 07/04/2018 19:47

This is older people. Really?

My parents never hoarded stuff. I'm nearly 70 and have no inclination to start hoarding stuff and doubt I ever will.

My exh is a bit of a hoarder but his DB is over 90 and has the smartest hoard free home you wish for.

Winterdown · 07/04/2018 20:15

I shouldn't have been ageist and say "this is older people". But statistically, they have accumulated the most crap. Not all, of course, are hoarders.

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 07/04/2018 20:29

My nan sadly died last year. A few days after my mum and her siblings cleared her house out I came home to find my cupboards full of my nan's old crockery and cups.

Apparently it would be silly for me not to have them as they're perfectly good and the fact that I already have my own perfectly good crockery and cups and am never going to need 20 mismatched bowls is just me finding excuses to complain about nothing.

I also have about a million towels because my mum keeps seeming to find old ones in her airing cupboard and "they're nice."

Whenever I move house (which I have done several times over the last few years) she turns up with boxes of stuff from her attic, that I "might find useful in the new house." It's never useful.

And then she tells me my house is cluttered and I need "to learn to throw things away."

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 07/04/2018 20:30

I'm an ex hoarder who messes up every so often. Now I've made huge progress I have carpet showing. I see surfaces.

Part of my success has been due to trying to help are relative (who's a very excessive, high scoring hoarder) to reduce their hoard. We make progress and then one week later they've been out and picked up more. Every time they try to palm off crap onto me. It is as if my clear areas are stimulating them to fill it in.

We've cut down visits to my place and this seems to help. I can 'forget' to collect the tat from their house and it gets lost.

holiday101 · 07/04/2018 20:46

My DM never comes to my house (at least once a week) without a bag of 'bits and bobs'. It will contain a miscellaneous mix of old Woman's Own, hotel shampoo, broken DVD players ('because d's should be learning how things work') and last time 3 separate opened jars of chutney that someone in the WI made but didn't like Hmm. I now just ooh and a h and leave it by the back door to either bin/recycle/charity shop.

Atthebottomofthesea · 07/04/2018 21:42

My Mum, whilst by no means could be classed as a hoarder, does have a lot of stuff. I grew up not being able to use half the seats in the house - not great when there are 5 of you. She struggles to throw anything that might be useful, so rubbish and recycling goes (eventually) but other things might be useful. If she finds something of mine I now take it home and chuck it as I couldn't do it in her house. She has asthma and I am sure the accumulated stuff doesn't help.

She is late war and grew up in rationing in a poor family where everything was used and then used again. It is a habit she has never broken. MIL on the other hand who was a young girl in the war pretty much throws everything away, but 'hoards' food and household goods. So she'll have 5 toothpastes in the cupboard for example.

I do need to try and squirrel away some more stuff when I am next there. Talking to her just upsets her, so we don't do it. Trouble is it is so difficult to find our stuff as it is buried deep under stuff.

Juells · 07/04/2018 22:02

Or that you gave it to a passing waif. ("His little face, Mum! You should have seen it! The disappointment at being handed a piece of crap!")

lol that didn't go where I expected.

StealthPolarBear · 07/04/2018 22:09

". She mentioned earlier about my garden and I wouldn"'t put it past her to trash it while I was asleep"
Shock

LizzieDarcy1907 · 07/04/2018 22:15

For years, my Mum has emptied her wardrobe on a regular basis (to make room for more) and she gives it all to me. We are the same size. But that's it - she buys most of her clothes from QVC and they are ultra bright vivid floral in varying types of polyester. I break into a sweat just looking at them. And it's all skirts and dresses.
I wear leggings, jeans and Joe Brown or Seasalt tunic tops. Every day. And have done for around 20 years.

I am going to say No to the next lot after reading this. Thank you Flowers

Turnocks34 · 07/04/2018 22:26

My MIL is a hoarder, it’s awful. She just doesn’t throw anything out. He front room is just covered floor to ceiling with tat she finds from charity shops. She’s not as bad as other people oh OH has spoken to at meetings etc, as MIL has allowed Oh to build 4 sheds in her garden and she’ll happily have stuff moved there and out of the house as long as it isn’t chucked.

She also skip dives and it’s mortifying. Like you’ll be walking with her, and she’ll see a skip and she’ll be climbing into it. And she takes anything from them too - broken toasters, bits of woood, scraps of wall paper.