Fecking hoarding by proxy. Anyone else have relatives who do this?

[TheQueenOfWands]

My mum just found an old, filthy, partially deflated football near my house.

It's now in my garden. The same garden which I've recently spent great time and expense tidying up and decorating.

Why? Well, I'll tell you why. Apparently a child will be 'overjoyed' to receive it once it's been cleaned up and reinflated. Also, there's too much stuff in landfill so it's obviously not on to simply throw it out.

Today is my only day off from work. I worked 72 hours last week and 50 this week. I have no interest in laundering footballs and don't have a clue how I'd reinflate it. I also don't know any children, let alone any who would be overjoyed to receive a vaguely scrubbed, badly inflated foot ball.

This isn't the first time she's done this. My parents do this quite a lot.

It's such a shame to throw something out so obviously I have to make use of it or DS would be thrilled with it.

Aaargh!!

Doesn't help that I've recently been decluttering (much love to Marie Kondo) and am happy doing so.

They know this. Yet are still determine to fill my house with crap or visibly recoil when they see me give/throw something away.

All you need to do is casually mention before next handover, that you have had a big clean up and never again. From now on you are being more minimalist. If they go to do it afterwards, remind them that you have had a clean out and you don’t want to hoard stuff anymore.

RandomMess I suppose it says it all that they'd chuck stuff I think they should keep. DC want to keep the 2200+ letters and cards they've received from PIL. It's amazing how much space flat letters take up.

Ridiculously I think I'm keeping the pram and cot for the grandchildren to use when noted visit. The USB stick with photos of stuff is a good idea but dh would have to do it as I'm tech rubbish. I'm keeping all their books though. I had five books from childhood, 49p and 75p, and the same books are about £6 now so won't pay £12 to buy same again for the grandchildren.

Shucks. I think I'm projecting my childhood onto my dc and future GC.

I am drowning in paper thanks to a friend who can't resist bringing me articles cut out of magazines and newspapers that she thinks I will find interesting. I have asked her repeatedly to stop and just to tell me about these 'interesting' things. A few weeks ago I refused to accept a pile of papers and when I was out she posted them through the letterbox. She is completely normal otherwise and a good friend so it's a bit awkward.

My dad (when he was alive) and my stepmother used to force things on me to take home ..... on the plane. They refused to believe there is a limit to carry on luggage, and no matter how 'valuable or nice or delicate' it was impossible to transport these treasures on my lap. I offloaded everything into airport bins and as they never visited me if was an easy secret to keep from them.

Dh’s parents were like this. It annoyed me as they’d just lump crap onto him - I asked him why he accepted it and he said ‘it’s less hassle then telling them I don’t want it.’ He’d then give to charity, etc.

My mum is just ridiculous. She recently downsized her house and it took me and my three adult siblings six months to get her home in anything close to selling condition. Car load after car load to the dump and charity shop. In the end, we gave up trying to get her to say what she wanted done with her stuff and had no choice but to fling it in boxes which are now in her new garage.

Whenever she needs anything, she buys it again as she 'doesn't know where anything is' as her wretched children put it all in boxes.

I. Give. Up.

PiLs (just FiL as MiL sadly passed away last year) started bringing DHs school stuff over pretty much as soon as we moved in together. They started arriving with bags and bags of ancient exercise books and school reports!

The last lot that FIL brought over really annoyed me, as they were DHs A-level reports - which were not a happy time for DH. He has done well in life since but he was a bit deflated to be reminded of a time when he failed. We burnt them (turns out 20+ year old paper makes good fire starting material) but it did annoy me that we needed to. I don't know why we would ever want this stuff.

We also have a small heap of junk in the garage, some of which was originally acquired by DHs grandmother, was palmed off onto MiL, and has now migrated to us 🙄 There's a bloody ugly set of crystal glasses in a box - I nearly smashed them trying to get to some garden tools the other day, and I kind of wish I had, except that I'd have then have had to clean it up.

Small potatoes compared to many of the stories on here, but it is so annoying sometimes! But I almost feel it's like they started clearing the decks as a way to prepare for MiL dying (it was cancer, so she knew it was coming) and FiL has just sort of carried on with it, maybe as part of grieving. So I don't say anything.

OP - as well as changing your locks, get a chain fitted to your door. And if they try battering your gate again, you could always call the police and say you didn't realise it was your parents... well, I suppose you shouldn't really, but it's a satisfying picture to imagine!

@YearOfYouRemember it's entirely your DC will not want to use a cot or pram that's been stored for so long - even for visits.

They may well want to choose their own for many reasons - style, cleanliness, practicality, size, comfort.

It may be more practical to have a folding travel cot when the time comes.

Re the USB stick, it's really easy to get the hang of.

Don't try to find excuses for hanging on (my Dad does this!)

*entirely possible

My late DM kept every single birthday and Christmas card since her wedding in 1948. Plus "get well after your operation" cards for DGM (who died not long after the operation.) This despite a half dozen or so house moves. The 'get well' cards I found particularly upsetting when clearing out the house - they were a reminder of a failed operation and the painful last days of DGM. Why on earth keep those? Keeping one or two especially nice cards OK - a friend of theirs used to paint and would sent a small hand painted card - so worth keeping, but the other stuff????

My mum does this, as does my sister now who has learned the behaviour from her (SEN) and it drives me mad.

They work in a charity shop, so every week they buy 'presents' for the DC which are always thoughtful but it's too frequent. Often it's versions of things we already have or have got rid of. I've asked them to reduce the frequency but they don't, I end up using a different charity shop to offload it all.

I've given them several bags of stuff to take to the shop with them in the past, hardly any of it made it there and they have most of it in their house - old cushions, vases, items of clothing that aren't even in their sizes. I've stopped giving them things now and I just take things myself to a different shop (they'd just go in the bags at the shop and buy it back).

The most recent purchase was a nest of tables which were definitely not needed (they have 3 tables in their living room already). She'd managed to get them back to the house but then moving them in the house proved too much and lumps of wood were falling off exposing nails. This still wasn't enough to get rid of them, DM went out and bought super glue. More wood fell off, exposing yet another nail and my 2 year old was sitting at it. I picked it up and put it on the boot of my car for the tip. DM didn't speak to me for a week.

They have 4 bedrooms but only 2 can be used because the others are full of junk, as is the loft. Every time I sort things out with them they just rescue more stuff from various other people and from the shop. It's irritating, especially when they then say they have no money and when I spend time I haven't got to absolutely no avail.

I've tried everything, so I've given up.

Well, you could always turn it into art 😂😂www.apartmenttherapy.com/waste-not-by-song-dong-the-mus-89327

Spudlet my IL’s are exactly the same. They have saved every single item from DH’s childhood and insisted on bringing it all over to our house. It has been stored in their outbuildings for years and had an awful damp, fusty smell. After the first box I refused to have any of it in the house and said they could bring it but it went in the garage. They were not happy about my attitude towards his precious childhood belongings but we just don’t have the room.

DH has hoarding tendencies too so it has sat in our garage for years because ‘it might be worth something’, until recently I passed a shop selling retro toys and games in a nearby city. I mentioned it to DH as I recognised several items from his collection. He checked eBay for selling prices on this stuff, and some is actually going for really good money. To my absolute delight, he has (finally!) started sorting through this stuff and selling it. He mentioned this to a (quite well-off) friend who then said that they do car boot sales to get rid of old stuff and that if you go to a good one, you can get quite a bit of money for things there. He has now also started visiting car boots to sell things too.

I can’t believe the change in him. It’s like a switch has flicked in his brain, and he now sees this stuff as money lying around!! I’m not sure the IL’s are happy, but as their argument was that they saved this stuff because it might be worth something one day, they haven’t really got a let to stand on now that it is!

Motherbear26 FIL has some items from his own childhood that he has been talking about selling for (at least) 20 years! When I first met DH, FIL mentioned them to me because I go to antique and collectable fairs. I duly did the research for him, found out where he would be best selling them and the prices they would fetch...

For twenty bloody years he talked about selling those items! He still has them. Demand has dropped because they have been reproduced and then gone out of fashion. No doubt the PIL's eldest will inherit them and put them in the bin!

www.apartmenttherapy.com/waste-not-by-song-dong-the-mus-89327

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Hoarding stuff that’s flammable hasn’t really been mentioned here, but a recent talk given by the local fire brigade was enough to start us clearing out the loft!
And clearing a 4-bed house of a deceased DR added further impetus for us to de-clutter pronto!
Only problem we have is DS’s constant pride in passing on her culinary achievements- as a diabetic, I really don’t need a gift of 8 jars of jam!

Sorry if this is too sensitive an issue for some just now, but in some ways it's easier to clear deceased houses than it is to clear houses with their stubborn owners present.

We cleared my grans home when she went into residential care, and my mums when she downsized. Both jobs took many months because the person most emotionally tied to the stuff wouldn't allow any kind of wholesale or systematic approach.

I'll be truly devastated when my mum goes, and clearing her house will be agony. But it'll take a week or so, not a year.

FlissPaps - I do know the kids might not want to use or have anything I currently have in the loft and that will be fine. Given we intend to move some of it might be not there anymore anyway.

And I'm not making or looking for excuses.

frasier perhaps it’s because my dh looked into it himself and saw first hand that selling the stuff was actually worth his time and effort. I’m not sure if he’s a true hoarder or just lazy!! Although he does keep T-Shirts with holes in, and clothes he hasn’t worn for years, just in case! It’s hilarious because he is so busy with his job and usually does very little around the house on the weekend, but he’s now loving sorting through all his old tat.

The funniest thing is we are not poor, and he really doesn’t need the money, but he’s treating it like a second business!! He says he wishes he’d realised what it was worth years ago when we were first married and money was quite tight. And now that the garage is emptying and he has more space, he is actually starting to appreciate why I don’t like to have too many things lying around and his whole mindset is (hopefully) changing.

This tactic is also working with extreme hoarder ds. He usually will not part with anything. He is very emotionally attached to his possessions. But he did one car boot sale with dh and loved it so now, we ask him to sort through his stuff for things to sell at the carboot and he keeps the money he makes. He still has loads of toys, far too many to play with, and most of which he is too old to play with, but is at least happy to part with some items which is a huge improvement.

And the best bit is my il’s are cringing inside because they saved this stuff for years and now dh is ruthlessly selling it on. I think they are wishing they’d held onto it so they could ‘keep it safe because it might be worth something one day as long as that day isn’t now‘.

My mother hoards stuff and has been foisting shit onto me for years, my last house I lived in for 4 years and had twenty bin bags of stuff she had inflicted on me, most of which could have gone on to burden a charity shop, but instead went to the dump. I choose to not be like this, and get rid of any crap accumulations, even when repeatedly turned down, my mother would still dump consumer products on me, being polite, making excuses, to outright ‘stop this, I don’t want it, it will never be used’ she has finally found someone else to do it to.

Her house has piles of stuff , unusable rooms, garage literally stuffed to the rafters (the rafters have been filled with large objects that can perch up there), the burden of it will fall to me when she dies, which I resent hugely. She doesn’t give a fuck. She’s a victim narcissist, so any excuse for a good old drama. When her ‘gifts’ are rejected she’ll do a guilt trip ‘but look how cute it is/I got it for you’, when that fails, she’ll get tears in her eyes, pout and nod her head sadly before flouncing off. Sadly her theatrics don’t win her any attention because after being emotionally abused by her my whole life and her damaging my mental health, she can shove herself and her ‘gifts’ up her hole.

@YearOfYouRemember You were unhappy your things weren't saved for you so you saved your children's things for them. Surely you saved them so that they would have a choice of what to do with them? They know that you love them and that you cared enough to save things.

If my mum had saved my school stuff and then given it to me I would have chucked it in the recycling. I don't want it, I wouldn't look at it and all it would do is take up space. If she had saved my pram or cot I wouldn't want her to put DC in them because they wouldn't conform to the latest safety standards. I'd be fine with DC playing with my toys though.

Maybe you could go through the things with your children, they can pick out anything that they have a good memory of making and the rest can be recycled after your day/evening of nostalgia going through things with them?

And she had hoarded piles of crap ‘for her grandchildren’ which don’t exist, and never will 😄 she chose to keep papers/school junk from a very miserable time of my life, ‘for me’, and outfits for my non existent offspring, my old teeth, junk from charity shops that she ‘felt sorry for’, beautiful gifts and hobby supplies that are ‘too nice to use’ so instead rot, forgotten. Most people with MH issues tend to bend over backwards so as not to be an inconvenience or hassle to anyone else, we feel ashamed, unloveable, broken. So I tend to view dominating, controlling behaviour like forcing waves of shite, with guilt trips, onto others as just being a massive wanker, not ‘aww, they’re sick’.