Fecking hoarding by proxy. Anyone else have relatives who do this?

[TheQueenOfWands]

My mum just found an old, filthy, partially deflated football near my house.

It's now in my garden. The same garden which I've recently spent great time and expense tidying up and decorating.

Why? Well, I'll tell you why. Apparently a child will be 'overjoyed' to receive it once it's been cleaned up and reinflated. Also, there's too much stuff in landfill so it's obviously not on to simply throw it out.

Today is my only day off from work. I worked 72 hours last week and 50 this week. I have no interest in laundering footballs and don't have a clue how I'd reinflate it. I also don't know any children, let alone any who would be overjoyed to receive a vaguely scrubbed, badly inflated foot ball.

This isn't the first time she's done this. My parents do this quite a lot.

It's such a shame to throw something out so obviously I have to make use of it or DS would be thrilled with it.

Aaargh!!

Doesn't help that I've recently been decluttering (much love to Marie Kondo) and am happy doing so.

They know this. Yet are still determine to fill my house with crap or visibly recoil when they see me give/throw something away.

The woman my FIL married used to go through other people’s rubbish and try to give it to me. They were items left behind after they moved - she even found a pile of someone's old knickers and was ever so happy.

I told her no, so she gave it to my son who was 9 at the time to bring home to me. She also would leave rubbish on the front seat of my car for me to find. It was stuff like old plastic flowers, ugly bed sheet, old pair of curled up smelly slippers. It all smelled of mould and damp and I was filling my bin with it.

I know this isn't the thread for this... but Dix Noonan Webb auctioneers have been really helpful to me. I used to go to Bonhams but they no longer take the sort of stuff I have to sell as it's not valuable enough. But the process of flogging the 'heirloom' in a mint box that I have to sell (mint because it's completely unwearable and probably hasn't been out in the fresh air since 1875) has been very painless.

I'm still on page one but it's reminded me that dd called me a hoarder last week. She wants to chuck out school stuff, I want her to keep them. I have kept eveything my three children have ever made, all their school stuff, reports, etc etc as no one kept anything of mine. Our loft is full, there are thousands of cards and letters from PIL to the kids, books, Lego, games, toys, their cot and pram etc etc. How do you know what you should keep and what to dispose of? I don't want to get it wrong and the kids or me regret it. .

YeAr of you- get them a box each and let them choose what to go
In it!

giving the clothes to a charity shop would be letting the "asset" of these clothes leave the family, the money would be gone

Oh god, this. We inherited a house full of stuff when Fil died a couple of years ago. We’ve still got some of it now. Dh won’t throw it away because it could be worth something. He wants me to put stuff on the local Facebook site. I’ve done that before and it’s a pain in the arse. You get inundated with random requests and they all want something for nothing or have twenty questions. And nobody wants to pay any money for anything, you end up practically giving it away. I’d rather give it away.

I’ve taken about eight car loads of stuff to the charity shops. We’re still renovating our own house and have been trying to declutter ourselves. I’ve got rid of so much old kids stuff. The thing is, I can’t remember what half of it even was. Once it’s gone, you don’t miss it.

The guilt at getting rid of old things doesn’t last.

You'll never use the cot and pram again.

Lego either keep or sell.

Otherwise let your children decide.

People feel too much guilt about putting things in the bin. I drove past the charity shop this morning, they have a sign on the door telling people not to leave donated items on the step. There were about 4 large open bags of clothes there on the step. On Monday the shop workers will find these, probably rained on and have to put them in the bin. Why can't people just dispose of their rubbish themselves?! The charity have to pay to get rid of this stuff.

I managed to get my husband to sort through his books and he has about 50 he is willing to part with. I asked the nearest charity shop first if they want any and they said they didn't have room. Another shop said they will take some. I've checked first because I don't want to burden them. It's the nice thing to do!

Ugh! I feel your pain, my MIL does all the time! Mostly new stuff for DD (only 6 months) with things she can’t use until she’s at least 2 years old. We live in an apartment with very little storage. So irritating, even though it comes from a loving, caring place.

ner I have had the 'teeth that mummy kept' shown to me too. I am trying to convince dh that it really isn't normal behaviour to keep the teeth that have fallen out of our dc's mouths.

Also I agree with the Facebook thing. I have only ever tried to give stuff away for free on there, its just too much work to deal with the "interested" people. Takes up so much time.

My PILs do this. They bring over loads of stuff for DD - toys, clothes etc that they've bought at the jumble sale (that are years too large for her, & usually dirty or generally in poor condition). When they moved house we were "given" ( i.e. they turned up & dumped a load of stuff in our backyard) loads of stuff - half bags of compost, plant pots, old shoes & clothes that were decades old, about 3 carrier bags full of magazines, loads of books. And that's in addition to filling a large skip & doing numerous runs to the tip & charity shops, & completely filling their new house. I am utterly sick of it. DH thinks it's normal just to keep everything "because it might come in handy one day"... err no. If I ever divorce him it will be over the bloody hoarding. DD is starting with it too. I've told her if she can't keep her things tidy & decide sensibly when she no longer needs things, I will do it, & she will not necessarily like some of my decisions. She knows she's got the rest of the Easter holiday to do it.

And breathe. Except I can't for the dust on everything that I refuse to keep moving around to clean under/behind.

I think sometimes it can be a control thing. My ex MIL, who actually I got on well with, delighted in passing on things I was unlikely to like or use.

Her neighbour, who we knew well, inherited a very large amount of money and household items. On a visit my MIL announced that *** wanted us to have something from when she'd been clearing out her relative's house. I felt slightly thrilled, maybe a nice vase or picture? No. The cheapest, crappiest carpet bag I'd ever seen, probably a fiver from a market. I took it with very little enthusiasm, and delighted in keeping my gazebo cover in it in the shed.

If people give you stuff, thank them then look through it, take what you want -if anything- and then give the rest back for them to dispose of. If you keep getting rid of the stuff by putting it in the bin or giving to charity, they won't ever learn. If stuff is broken or dirty when presented to you, give those back too straight away and say you will think about it again when they have mended/cleaned it up themselves first.They need to be responsible for their actions.

Why isn't your mum cleaning and generally rejuvenating this football? She seems to be the one with spare time!

The combination of a mental hangover from rationing/lack of stuff - if not the people themselves, then their parents - overlaid with the consumerism/shopping as leisure that has been pushed at us since the 60s is really, really toxic. It must have been so exciting to buy a new skirt or pair of tights in 1953 when clothing came off rationing, and then when fashion became so thrilling in the 60s an afghan or pair of white plastic boots must have been such a rush, and then when ready-to-wear children's clothes became widely available which really wasn't easy until the 70s at the earliest.... but now we just live in a soup of rags from Primark and the excitement is an endless cycle of getting rid of things... it's a huge culture clash.

YearofYou I have your solution. Photograph the stuff. Then dispose of it. Old school reports? ✅ Age 4 art work? ✅ and so on. Make sure to back up your computer, and present each child with a USB stick with all their shite on it, come the day.

I promise you won't regret it.

DH won’t throw it away because it could be worth something. He wants me to put stuff on the local Facebook site. I’ve done that before and it’s a pain in the arse.

This, with knobs on. My DH just cannot understand why I cannot sell FILs old tweed jackets for hundreds of pounds, just because they were expensive once upon a time!

My mil is a hoarder. Not a certifiable, can't see the floor type, but a bloody annoying hoarder nonetheless.

Her house is rammed with crap. Her sitting room is full of cushions, throws, tables, fake flowers and detritus. Her kitchen cupboards are bursting. I counted over 40 mugs in her cupboards. 40! She bought an entire set of new saucepans and frying pans (she also has a shopping habit) but refused to get rid of the old ones. They are in a spare bedroom

A keen gardener, she will hold on to the plastic pots you buy plants in until there are 500 and then I throw them out in a fit of pique.

MsAdorabelle - hang on, your FIL died and yet your DH says YOU have to put the stuff on Facebook?

When did his arms drop off?

We've been at my PILs this weekend, their house is full of crap, broken toys I have to take off the DCs (then as soon as I leave they are put back in the toy boxes), piles of old magazines and supermarket leaflets... The kitchen is crammed with old stuff (BIL threw out stuff from the fridge bb 2014 this weekend), it's really difficult to get the cup or glass you need without the contents of the cupboard coming with it.
It's really upsetting seeing them live like this, they are getting less mobile and I do worry. DH and his siblings don't seem to want to tackle it at all though.
We live abroad and really notice the difference now we are there every few months.
I don't know what to do, I will be grateful that they want to hang on to the old toys and not pass them on to us I suppose!

Am wondering what a “pyjamas holder “ is now...

Re the ‘old people and not wasting stuff ‘ thing, it’s a bit more complicated than that. On a recent visit to the folks, DF (born 1930s) was regaling my DP with how he used to work late into the night “doing up” bikes for his DC ,that it was a “crying shame” had been left at the dump, as they were “perfectly good “. Funny that: my memory was that of the times we had bikes- covering less than half my childhood - they were generally clapped-out heaps of rust that had had nothing done to them. DF had effectively created his own mythology about not wasting decent stuff

quiz I am guessing if some people did that then the stuff would continue to just sit in the house. In some situations it is better to take the stuff then dispose yourself then to hand it back.

It will still be there 6/12/18 months later if you do.

I used to have a 'pyjama holder' it was a soft toy with a slit in the back.

Surely others must have had them too.

it is probably still in the house

Yes, I and my dc have had pyjama holders.

The teeth have reminded me that my mum apparently had her appendix in a jar on a windowsill when she was growing up for a few years Thank God my grandmother was the anti-hoarder extreme and must have disposed of it sensibly when mum left home...