Fecking hoarding by proxy. Anyone else have relatives who do this?

[TheQueenOfWands]

My mum just found an old, filthy, partially deflated football near my house.

It's now in my garden. The same garden which I've recently spent great time and expense tidying up and decorating.

Why? Well, I'll tell you why. Apparently a child will be 'overjoyed' to receive it once it's been cleaned up and reinflated. Also, there's too much stuff in landfill so it's obviously not on to simply throw it out.

Today is my only day off from work. I worked 72 hours last week and 50 this week. I have no interest in laundering footballs and don't have a clue how I'd reinflate it. I also don't know any children, let alone any who would be overjoyed to receive a vaguely scrubbed, badly inflated foot ball.

This isn't the first time she's done this. My parents do this quite a lot.

It's such a shame to throw something out so obviously I have to make use of it or DS would be thrilled with it.

Aaargh!!

Doesn't help that I've recently been decluttering (much love to Marie Kondo) and am happy doing so.

They know this. Yet are still determine to fill my house with crap or visibly recoil when they see me give/throw something away.

I'm getting good at saying to my mother 'oh would you like me to throw this in the bin for you?' She then says 'oh I thought it would be useful' and I say 'no, it's rubbish, but I'm very happy to save you a trip to the bin or the tip'. I'm only annoyed that it took me so many years to come out with it.

Zaphodsotherhead he doesn’t understand sites like facebook. He doesn’t really do social media. I belong to a few hobby groups and know my way around it but it’s still a ballache.

annandale a hoarded appendix I think you win!

I consider myself to be something of an anti hoarder myself. If it's not been used in the past 6/12 months then it goes to charity/recycling/bin.

Am itching to have a go at DC old toys but DH is...more attached to things than I am and has been known to dig stuff out of the bin. I now declutter by stealth.

DH is my nemesis. I will throw something out, he will then say 'Is this to go? Are you sure?' and then I will doubt myself and it stays.

The upcoming house move has made him be a little more decisive, though we did have to 'discuss' throwing out the blind brackets and spare winders from the blinds that were at windows that no longer exist. (had an extension built) Were we not moving I am sure they would sit there for another 10 years,

I have a DC who is a bit of a hoarder. A million soft toys. At one point I redecorated and had a brilliant idea. I removed all toys into bin bags. DC could have back all toys remembered.

Every.
Toy.
Recalled.

CocoPuffsInGodMode And coffee have made some brilliant points in this thread, very insightful.

OP, (sorry if this has been said I'm only on page six), you ought to do three things:1) tell your mother it's bloody rude to show up with things to shift into your home you haven't given permission for 2) every single time she gives you something you bin it immediately in front of her (reduce the positive reinforcement she gets from offloading it and reward her behaviour with a negative stimuli instead) and 3) absolutely change your locks asap and ensure she never has a key to your home again!

To the PP saying about their mum hoarding lizards and 'pets' are they okay? Doesn't sound like a safe place to live for them. Please don't be afraid to anonymously report to the RSPCA to do a check in and ensure they're being taken care of properly. It's not right for animals to suffer due to her, illness or no illness, and people who hoard animals often do so way way beyond the stage where they can cope with them and give them a life they deserve/province the cleanliness and vet treatment etc.

Having just spent the weekend with family members clearing junk out of elderly relatives house that they've lived in for 60 years you have my sympathy. Why wouldnt you want to keep dozens of broken, faulty pieces of junk plus all the empty boxes and plastic bags in your house. She has form for trying to offload broken, dirty or unwanted bits of crap on me over the years, and has to be told many times because she doesn't listen, or want to hear that we don't want it and don't have the space for it. It's cathartic filling a skip but we will have to keep her occupied and away from it until it's been collected as shee'd be skipdiving and putting it all back in the house as "we paid good money for that" 50 years ago when it was new and unbroken or "it might come in useful" hasn't done for the last decade
Feel better for getting that off my chest

Am wondering what a “pyjamas holder “ is now...

We called them a "nightdress case".

Mine was a sort of silky padded bag, like a fabric envelope. It was pale green. I wonder where it is? (haven't used it for 54 years, but it's bound to be in the loft somewhere . . . )

cunningartificer

Bugger!

In the 70's we used to have things like big teddies with a zip that you stuffed your sweaty nightie into so it was nice and smelly by next bedtime. I am shuddering at the memory.

I had a Bagpuss one I think. It was nice. Apart from the smell.

My sister had a Bagpuss one Rabbit. I bought it for her for her birthday.

I had a blue and white dog with a zip up his side.

My pyjamas eventually got too big for his little belly.

Intelligent

I never thought of that. I don't think I'll bother digging through the loft after all.

FIL found some kind of enamel crockery stashed in an abandoned outdoor toilet once. He put it on our dishwasher. WTF weren't we supposed to do with that, once "cleaned"???

Enamel crockery stashed in an outside toilet?

My bet would be on a guzunder or a chamber pot. Dad had one as they only had an outside toilet.

I would have made it into a planter or something.

Maybe my Mum's hoarding is rubbing off on me.

But...but...but......

Why do you need to put pyjamas into a case at all? To stop them escaping? To hide them from burglars? To keep them warm? I don’t GET it.

Norks- I think they just looked nice??? Or didn't have to I make the bed (tucked in sheets etc) to dig your pjs out...

If you do want to keep your PJs out of sight, a fancy cushion cover would do the trick.....

PJs used to be seen as quite naughty I think. My parents never came downstairs in their PJs and would no more have gone to the supermarket in them than they would have had sex on telly.

I have been quite poor. I hesitate to throw things out bc when you've been poor, you do not forget it.

Instead of being so harsh, think of it as what it is: fear and insecurity about the future.

If the ball is a problem, simply toss it when she leaves and say you have given it to charity. Mothers are people, we aren't on earth to annoy you...well most of us....occasionally when we think you're too full of yourself, we might wind you up...for your own good.

And snoop around their house? And smash their garden gate, Abbylee?

Eveforever
If you are dealing with a person with a mental health disorder, throwing items away just to get a negative reaction out of a person i.e. to see them get upset or distressed, seems to be a passive aggressive or cruel thing to do imo.

Discussing why the item is useless and should be discarded (with a possible conversation about their mental health) then throwing the item away and getting a negative reaction is an attempt at being constructive.

This disorder is characterised by imperviousness to what others say about their habit and its effects, and dogged adherence to the hoarder's own way of seeing things.

The people on the receiving end have little use trying to discuss reasons why each individual item must be thrown out. To focus on each individual item is a form of enabling because this is how the hoarder is approaching the growing of the hoard too. It's all one little bit on top of another. It's not constructive to address the flaws of each item. The problem is not that each item is flawed.

Letting off steam a little when faced with yet another piece of junk, throwing it out then and there, or saying a flat, "No, and if you don't throw it out right now I will," will do absolutely no good, but it will do no harm either, and the person on the receiving end might feel a little better for being straightforward.

Hoarders are as resistant to bald statements that they have a problem as they are to gentle suggestions and repeated hints. It's all water off a duck's back to them. The person they are trying to foist the junk onto might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb therefore.

There is no harm in honestly addressing what is right there in front of you, causing you distress. You don't have to get angry. You don't have to slam dunk the item into the bin.

My mum and I go to the same charity shop.
Her house is hoard free.
Mine is full of her hoard.
Had a clear out today.
Let's hope she doesn't visit the shop this week!

Oh my goodness I've found my people. My mother is like so many of the ones here. She always arrives for a stay with a car load of stuff for us that we just don't want. Her own house is full to the rafters. It's definitely some kind of mental health thing. Some of it is a drive to collect stuff. When ds was little someone gave him a wooden elephant. He loved it and started a little collection which has grown over the years to about 10 ornamental elephants which each have a significance. My mum went on a mad drive when he started his collection and now has a table in her hallway with about 40 ornamental elephants on, bought from charity shops and who knows where. She's not the least bit interested in elephants and frankly it looks silly having this massive collection in her hallway but she clearly thought collecting elephants was the thing to do and became obsessive abiut it for a while.
And the presents we have had over the years! My dc now always accept them with a smile then give them to me to dispose of as soon as she has gone.

So much of my life has been spent dealing with her obsessive gathering of things and attempts to share them with me.