Fecking hoarding by proxy. Anyone else have relatives who do this?

[TheQueenOfWands]

My mum just found an old, filthy, partially deflated football near my house.

It's now in my garden. The same garden which I've recently spent great time and expense tidying up and decorating.

Why? Well, I'll tell you why. Apparently a child will be 'overjoyed' to receive it once it's been cleaned up and reinflated. Also, there's too much stuff in landfill so it's obviously not on to simply throw it out.

Today is my only day off from work. I worked 72 hours last week and 50 this week. I have no interest in laundering footballs and don't have a clue how I'd reinflate it. I also don't know any children, let alone any who would be overjoyed to receive a vaguely scrubbed, badly inflated foot ball.

This isn't the first time she's done this. My parents do this quite a lot.

It's such a shame to throw something out so obviously I have to make use of it or DS would be thrilled with it.

Aaargh!!

Doesn't help that I've recently been decluttering (much love to Marie Kondo) and am happy doing so.

They know this. Yet are still determine to fill my house with crap or visibly recoil when they see me give/throw something away.

My DM and DF do this. The other day DM brought round a small metal bobbin which she had found at her home, because it goes with my sewing machine; she gave me her reconditioned old sewing machine years ago when she got herself a fancy new one. I was glad of it at the time, because we had moved house and I was making a few sets of curtains.

DH pointed out that my sewing machine has been sitting in the garage for 6 years now. It's true that I don't use it. I bought the last pair of curtains I needed. I already have about 10-15 bobbins for it. DM held up the bobbin and said " I nearly threw it away ". Then she remembered it went with my machine. So near and yet so far ( from actually binning something ).

There have been bigger items than that, that was just the most recent and was thankfully very small. When they come round I look out of the window if I've heard their car arrive, and dread it when I see them opening the car boot. I wish they would just rock up empty-handed for a change.

I am also a hoarder. DH is not. The DC are not. In common with PPs I want to avoid leaving clutter for DC to deal with in future. I am also determined that if I am visiting them in their homes in future I will not be taking random crap round to them.

peacheach's username reminds me of DC's lovely old book which I have stashed up in the loft. I need to tackle the loft.

My ex used to have the whole garage +2 sheds full of clutter; he had an idea that he would do some great woodworking projects in one of the sheds when he got it, but he filled it with stuff, and it was somehow all my fault he never got to doing the woodwork ....

When he left he took a small part of it, because his new partner refused to have it...she also refused to accept that he had collected it all, and saw it as me being untidy, which I thought quite funny.
8 years later, he still thought he'd remove the rest eventually, but just not quite yet! I had to give him a date to do it by (which he didn't), then dispose of it.

Oh god. DH’s parents are the sorts to pass on stuff they won’t bin. It drives me mad. They clearly don’t want to deal with the emotional guilt of binning/selling/recycling/charity shopping their stuff, so offer it to us.

We got offered a rug that a client of FIL didn’t want anymore. DH took far too fucking long to say no, even with me saying “I don’t want someone else’s rug, I want to pick my own!” for 3 days straight.

We also mentioned we might treat ourselves to new sofas as our current one is old and tired. But of course they might be replacing their (good condition, not that old) sofas, so guess what?! We can have theirs!!! No! We’re in our 30s, I’m treating myself to brand new sofas!

I think they think we’re still skint students too.

This thread is actually opening a lot of stuff with me regarding my parents.

I should probably start a thread in relationships.

When she's here she'll often start sentences with stuff like, "What I want to do with your garden is..."

She always wants to take my stuff home and alter it. Goes on and on about how I need to knock various walls and stuff down even though I've said it's not what I want.

She was quite emotionally abusive throughout my childhood, teens and early twenties. She's packed it in now but it does seem the invasion of my home has taken over instead.

My dad is her enabler. He has a few boundary issues himself but nothing like her. But he will protect her and do what keeps her quiet. Hence my back gate, she wanted in, he got her in.

Queen, tbh it sounds like she's still emotionally abusive.

Get those locks changed and don't give her a key. What is she going to do about it?

Last time I changed the locks I was nagged and nagged for a key. I gave in during a weak moment.

The second time I claimed I lost my keys (cue losts of tutting about my carelessness and stupidity) and asked for hers which I then gave to friend who lives in the next street. She nagged and nagged for a key cut. One day we were out, passed a key cutting place and before I knew it I was handing my keys over to be cut. She even paid.

Not sure this time. Hopefully she might never find out.

The day they broke the gate they knew I was sleeping after a night shift so have no idea why they turned up and wanted to let themselves in.

I once woke up to find all of my bathroom stuff on the stairs because they'd decided to redecorate my bathroom with their left over paint.

There are no words. Now I write this down I feel like a spineless numpty.

Spineless? Definitely not. Kind, gentle, yes. Most of us don't have to resist this sort of thing because NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T DO IT.

Given that you know it will happen, it is worth role playing how to hold your boundaries. Start by stating out loud to yourself 'it is normal to control who comes into my house' because this is normal, I assure you. None of my parents or in laws have keys to mine because it would never occur to them to ask. Then write down the things they have said to you about keys - make them up if you can't remember. Something like ' oh if we stop here you can get keys cut for us'? On another sheet, write some responses. 'No thanks' 'oh yes, I'm not falling for that one again [laugh]' stuff like that. Then literally practice with a friend so that you are prepared to actually say these things out loud. It takes some doing, if you are used to this complete steamrollering of your boundaries. Good luck.

OP my controlling parents were a factor in why I chose to live on the other side of the world for five years.

They seem to have finally got the message. It is not normal for parents to be so involved, but it took me therapy to see this.

Occasionally a piece of mail addressed to me used to go to their house and they would open it "by mistake".

DH isn't a hoarder as such but definitely struggles to get rid of things. He's significantly improved since having to sort his parents stuff out upon their death. He'd hate for our DC to have to go through that amount of STUFF as it genuinely is a burden. No one needs 40 years worth of their GPs accounting files (kept by FIL).

A few of my friends have MIL horror stories similar to these:

• one whose MIL presented her with her DHs baby teeth that she'd kept for 30+ years. Friends DC were teething and her MIL thought she might like them MIL had kept EVERYTHING from her DC childhood

• one whose PIL also kept EVERYTHING from their DC childhood and will present them with half completed colouring books, very large and unsuitable kids furniture. They never ask if it's wanted, just present it as a fait acompli that it would be wanted and gratefully received. Friends house is small, these items are HUGE.

• another whose PIL let themselves in whenever they want and potter about redecorating, going through their stuff. Absolutely no boundaries. They even found a house they thought she and her DH should buy and kept on and on at them until they eventually moved. Serious lack of boundaries. Friend is irritated by it but seems to think she is powerlessness to stop it

Easily I moved a few towns away but they moved..!

This is really digging up some shit for me. I have work in 2 hours and I'm now a nervous wreck. Really, really just want to curl up and whimper.

The football was very much the cherry on the cake.

Your mum sounds kind of sweet!

I ve got a garage full of shit belonging to my soon to be ex husbands ex partner . Taken on when she emotionally blackmailed him in front of the children . In the last 6 months of our relationship she sent more and more crap to our house - filling up the cupboards and dsd claimed to have emotional attachment to it all - including ie Tupperware . A major factor in our separating.

Both my dearest parents were hoarders. My mum was a WW2 child (I'm writing up her memoirs) My house and shed I've had to clear, the latter still full of obsolete electronics that dad doesn't want to get rid off.

Finders keepers. If she found it then let your dm take it home and clean it up and redistribute.

My stepmother is a clothes hoarder - wardrobes full going back 30+ years. She is convinced that my 20 something daughters want her old Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and shoulder pad jackets. We had a fashion show the other night with appropriate music. 😂😂
I just accept them and give them to charity shops, to be fair occasionally something wonderful turns up. A fish tail new romantic type dress with lacing. It’s lovely.

I do things like the 40 day challenge - where I get rid of a carrier bag of stuff every day for 40 days.

I get a huge stash of charity stuff sorted out then get the charity to come and collect. Having a load in volume to donate is important and very satisfying. I feel like I have to make the collection worthwhile for them.

I encourage my relatives to help, offer to take their charity stuff and explain - we have so much and it never gets used, it's so hard to find anything, we need more space. I really emphasise how grateful someone has been. (I'm lying - it went straight in the bin when I got home). I give a lot of praise when I see their efforts to de-clutter. I also mostly always take their unwanted crap.

My earlier post is a bit unfair as I do encourage them to give me their unwanted stuff - so I can dispose of it. It's when they try to give me stuff to keep at mine which I have no use of and really don't want to keep but would find harder to get rid of and hard to turn down.

A lot of the stuff they give to me that is specifically for charity is worthless. Half used, ancient beauty products, toiletries and cleaning supplies are not saleable. It goes straight in the bin. I would be embarrassed to donate it.

My relative doesn't throw out boxes, or anything with the slight hint it can be used in some sort of craft. I help at a craft group and regularly pick bits up of them for 'future craft purposes' disposal in bin. Some bits can be used but most have been stored badly and just aren't as worthy as they imagine. I do emphasise how grateful the group is for their donations. The local school regularly want materials for school crafts and that is another source for disposal.

My late DM frequently tried to offload stuff that she didn't want on to me. She lived in a pretty large 3 bed roomed house,with a conservatory,garage,shed,utility room and front and back gardens,whereas I'm in a small 2nd floor 2 bedroom flat,no conservatory,shed,garage etc. But she seemed to be under the illusion that I had acres of space,just waiting to be filled with old books,vinyl records,furniture,clothes,electrical goods etc. I barely had enough space for all my own stuff. I can remember one particular incident that ended up in a nasty row,because she was trying to get me take my late Ddad's collection of tomes on telephony. (He had been a telephone engineer all his life). There were 12 of them,each about 200 pages thick,each weighing the best part of 2 pounds. She simply could not understand why I didn't want them.

You say you don't know any children but mention a DS

I do promise you that as and when you have to deal with the stuff, people would love to help you and will do it in a gentle way. But yes, it will be an emotional process and you should accept all the help you can manage. I can say that people like auctioneers are really lovely, they are used to dealing with this sort of thing and at least some of it will be much easier than you think. Thank you and others for the supportive comments. I think the dread is worse than the reality would be and I'm sure getting rid of the "junk" will make sorting out the other stuff much easier.

I think my approach is slowly helping them de-clutter. They are feeling their crap is being made use of and they feel good about it. Their house is very slowly getting less cluttered.

It is a very slow process, but previous attempts have just caused anger and resentment and the mess was soon back.

It may have been worth thousands at one point, but it could be worth fuck all now. No some of it is worth alot and it didn't cost that. If you think of some collectable things then A B C and D might be worth £50 each, have all four together might be worth £400 or £500 and 20 years later could be worth thousands. That is the sort of thing I am talking about. He is shrewd and those things are well stored, I suppose realistically that will make it easier to sort. I suppose half the trouble is I try not to think about it logically because I don't want to think about it.

What about using a site like this - does anyone have experience of this site or similar?

www.stuffusell.co.uk

It seems a win-win - gets stuff out the house, but if it turns out to be worth anything you get a proportion of what it is worth - but I’ve never tried out.

I suspect an old football wouldn’t do too well though...

Not for your DHs collections Peach, but maybe for those with “gifted” unworn clothes etc.

YearOf yes my teenage son with no interest in football.

I don't"t know any little children to give the decrepit football too.