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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To see no benefit at all of holiday with dps and pils

86 replies

ohhelpohnoitsa · 07/04/2018 09:44

I am in a strop and being snappy -imagine this is anxiety although I dont normally feel anxious. My parents have (imo) a romantic notion that a family holiday would be great. Us, dcs, them and in laws. I see absolutely no pleasure in this -just constant compromise to the most mediocre option, feeling edgey, constantly trying to appease everyone as I am the common denominator. Sides of the family don't know each other well -Christmas day always together and a few meals out per year. AIBU? Do people do this and find it pleasurable? We'd each pay our own way, I would insist on a kitty as there's the one that would happily let everyone else pay, we dont want or need babysitting services as family holisays for us are about time with the dcs. One side of the family will be fairly independent and be happy to come togerher for meals and odd activities, one side of the family is not and will be with us in every waking moment. Please share your own experiences with me so I can have a more balanced and open minded view. For the record, there are no relationship issues on either side, just dont see any romance in a big melting pot. AIBU?

OP posts:
chocatoo · 07/04/2018 09:47

What about a cruise where there is stuff to do for all ages and you just come together for meals and perhaps for the evening?

Aria2015 · 07/04/2018 09:49

It's not my cup of tea but I know loads of people who do it and their main reason is that they can leave the children with people they know and trust and get to go for romantic dinners, drinks out or just other adult activities that kids wouldn't be interested in. So basically mobile babysitting! I can see the appeal of that but not sure a couple of nights out would compensate the cons of being with overbearing inlaws!

CottonSock · 07/04/2018 09:50

I've resisted our main holidays with family and also friends. Not my thing really.

TheQueenOfWands · 07/04/2018 09:51

I don't understand family holidays. Same stress, just somewhere else.

I can understand going alone to places which interest you or taking children somewhere they love so you can watch them having fun. That's lovely.

But a family holiday? With parents and in-laws? All with differing interests, tastes and energy levels? Fuck, no.

Went away with my in-laws once. All they wanted to do was sit inside the caravan. OMFG, the tediousness!

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 07/04/2018 09:54

We're about to do the same this June! It was actually my idea - I think as long as we make it clear that we don't expect to spend every waking hour together it'll be fine. There might be a few disagreements but I think overall it's a nice idea - it's only a week, and it's good for DS to spend time with both sets of GPs (he sees my DParents a lot but PIL live abroad so sees them less).

trilbydoll · 07/04/2018 09:54

With one set of parents would be okay if you didn't have any evenings out the rest of the year. Both sets seems to be asking for competitive grandparenting and you never seeing the kids.

We are going away in half term with my in-laws but it's because I can't do the whole week. We are going Friday, they're joining us Monday and I'm leaving Wednesday. Seems like a good compromise.

Namelessnumbertwo · 07/04/2018 09:55

Hmmm I was convinced a family holiday meant free babysitting and time to spend with DH while the grandparents looked after the baby....
Wasn't like this at all.
Unless you stay in a hotel and all incisive is an option I wouldn't bother. Don't hire a villa, it will be just like being at home (cooking, cleaning looking after the kids) but just extra to do when lazy family members don't contribute Angry

DarklyDreamingDexter · 07/04/2018 09:55

Sounds like an absolute nightmare waiting to happen. You get on ok for one day at Xmas, but being together for a week or so will show up any differences and as you say, everything will be about compromises. I had some personal experience of this years ago and there was a big holiday bust up which took a long time to get over! I'd decline, personally.

windchimesabotage · 07/04/2018 09:56

Id do it with my parents because they would certainly want to spend time doing their own activities and not be glued to us the whole time.
These types of things work well if everyone going is quite laid back and happy to go with the flow or go off and do their own thing.

I have been on one holiday (a cruise) with an exes (bf at the time) large family and it was an utter nightmare. Main problem was that my bf was totally on board with 'doing things as a group'... and yes this resulted in everything being a massive compromise that no one really wanted to do but everyone felt they had to. Wouldve found it much easier if my bf had been able to actually set aside some time to do things as a couple. But it was just so tiring and draining because they even insisted on eating together formally EVERY SINGLE MEAL TIME. One time I was tired and just stayed in my cabin and I got a lecture about how antisocial and ungrateful I was for missing dinner. I would not reccomend a cruise as you are literally trapped on a ship some of the time.... cant drive off into the hills or anything!

So I think it depends on your partners attitude a lot. Is he on the same page as you and will he help make sure to make time for you to spend together with just you and your kids.... or will he be a pushover to the most domineering set of parents and allow them to be glued to your side and call all the shots??

windchimesabotage · 07/04/2018 09:58

My suggestion would be a holiday cottage/villa.... but make sure you go in with strong boundaries. Dont do all the cooking and cleaning just because no one else seems to be doing it. Eat out if you dont want to cook and dont be afraid to express opinions and actually state if you are unhappy with something.

GlowWine · 07/04/2018 09:58

I can't imagine putting both 'sides' together really, but I enjoyed family holidays with my in-laws and SIL & family. 6 adults and 4 children (pre-school to teen) sharing a SC villa with pool for a week. A great success but plenty of allowance made for separate activities as well as joint adventures etc. And bonus: DH and I got a day trip without the kids out of it too.

LivLemler · 07/04/2018 09:58

We got married abroad and traveled with both sets of parents. Who we get on well with and who really like each other. Never again.

CMOTDibbler · 07/04/2018 09:59

I would rather have to iron for a week than go on holiday with the PIL, or indeed any extended family

SerenDippitty · 07/04/2018 09:59

Our parents are all dead now and we are glad we did take some holidays with them. We have some lovely memories. And photos and video to remember them by.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 07/04/2018 09:59

Oh god, no.

We've taken MIL on holiday with us several times and each time it's been hard, hard work. She faffs, she whittles, she refuses 'forrin' food, she tells me what the DC should be doing ("they can't possibly need more sunscreen, they had some on this morning, you're so silly with the sunscreen, when I was young we used turkey oil to baste and we're all fine"). It's tiring. I come home from holidays with her needing valium. Plus, she's richer than us by a million miles but expects us to pay for everything, even to the point where she'll order things in flight on the duty free and say "oh, he'll take care of that" pointing at DH. And DH is such a soft shit he'll smile and take out his card and not say "piss off, lady, you're richer than God".

We've taken my Dad and his DP to Scotland a couple of times, but they're quite different and will bugger off and do their own thing, read the DCs a bedtime story and take them for a tramp outside but are generally far better at entertaining themselves. I think it's because they're both vey active (they're both dancers so gad about all over the UK and are very independent still).

We've never been away with my Mum and her DH because the one time they stayed at our house over Christmas we could clearly hear them having 'relations' the following morning and, frankly, that was enough to put me off sleepovers with them for life. They take the DC away from time to time and it works out far better.

I see nothing to be gained from our families spending holidays together.I love my parents, I love MIL. But holidays should be relaxing and fun, not trying to please others and, selfishly, I don't want to spend my holidays making MIL happy and acquiescing to her demands. I do that the rest of the year.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 07/04/2018 09:59

If you’re having doubts don’t do it. It’s a holiday, a break, time to recharge.

SerenDippitty · 07/04/2018 10:00

I agree with whoever said that a cruise is probably the best way though!

MsGameandWatching · 07/04/2018 10:00

It sounds horrific. Nothing could make me do it.

Shizzlestix · 07/04/2018 10:02

So my parents do a huge family holiday, but stay in different accommodation and do their own thing during the day, eat together at night. If someone is going somewhere further day, others can join in, but there’s no pressure to constant together.

BarbarianMum · 07/04/2018 10:03

One set of parents/sibs or the other is fine. On occasion. Depending on the holiday, the personalities involved and the age of the kids.

TammyWhyNot · 07/04/2018 10:07

Some people love this sort of thing, many don’t. And if you don’t, don’t do it. Holidays are too important, too infrequent and too expensive to compromise on because your Mum has a notion.

Just say ‘nice idea in your head, Mum, but it’s not happening! A big gang all wanting to do different things is not my idea of a holiday. Plus it is ‘away from it all’ time for DH and I with the kids. We get so little if that “. Be nice but clear,

The MOST I would do is a weekend at one of those places you get in this country, clusters of cottages with a pool, table football, communal BBQ. Suggest she arranges that for their next big wedding anniversary or birthday.

tenterden · 07/04/2018 10:08

I would rather stick needles in my eyes.

This is my idea of a total nightmare. If you don't want to do it just say no.

Boulshired · 07/04/2018 10:11

Did it once, went all inclusive and we all agreed on having list of what we wanted to do, met up when they joined interest separated when they didn’t. Would only agree on a villa if we either ate out or bought pre packed food. We did pick a place that I knew would have day trips as we are not a holiday round the pool family. I would not have agreed if anyone relied on others to entertain them.

80sMum · 07/04/2018 10:14

Speaking from the point of view of "the other side", I am a mother/MIL to adult children who have children of their own. As much as I love them all, I most definitely would NOT want to go on a joint holiday with them!

For me, a holiday is about DH and I doing our own thing to our own timetable. If we went on a joint holiday, where I was expected to entertain the children, babysit in the evenings and tag along to child friendly activities or, worst of all, sit on a beach all day, I would see that more as "work" than a holiday and would probably need a holiday afterwards as compensation!

StillMedusa · 07/04/2018 10:16

Noooo! You couldn't pay me to do that! (and I'm quite fond of my family!!)

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