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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To see no benefit at all of holiday with dps and pils

86 replies

ohhelpohnoitsa · 07/04/2018 09:44

I am in a strop and being snappy -imagine this is anxiety although I dont normally feel anxious. My parents have (imo) a romantic notion that a family holiday would be great. Us, dcs, them and in laws. I see absolutely no pleasure in this -just constant compromise to the most mediocre option, feeling edgey, constantly trying to appease everyone as I am the common denominator. Sides of the family don't know each other well -Christmas day always together and a few meals out per year. AIBU? Do people do this and find it pleasurable? We'd each pay our own way, I would insist on a kitty as there's the one that would happily let everyone else pay, we dont want or need babysitting services as family holisays for us are about time with the dcs. One side of the family will be fairly independent and be happy to come togerher for meals and odd activities, one side of the family is not and will be with us in every waking moment. Please share your own experiences with me so I can have a more balanced and open minded view. For the record, there are no relationship issues on either side, just dont see any romance in a big melting pot. AIBU?

OP posts:

chanie44 · 07/04/2018 10:20

We have done family holidays before.

What works for us is that we are choose hotels in locations which have lots to do in the local area for everyone (think resorts in the med). Each family has their own accommodation so we aren't on top of each other.

Most importantly, as another poster has referred to, we are all free to come and go as we please. Whoever is up earliest will set up a base by the pool and just plan our days from there, coming and going as we please. Sometimes, we only really catch up in the evenings after dinner in the bar.

I think family holidays can be great providing expectations are managed and people are free to manage their own time.

FrozenSweetPea · 07/04/2018 10:22

God no!

If people are insisting then do a weekend maximum.

handslikecowstits · 07/04/2018 10:22

I'd rather stick my head in a deep fat fryer.

Littleredboat · 07/04/2018 10:27

Don’t do it. I did and there was a row and things have never been the same since.

If you’re getting pressure, suggest a weekend away first with each of them in turn.

GabsAlot · 07/04/2018 10:30

maybe one side but not both

only time we done that was for our wedding aborad and even then we didnt all stay together everyone wanted to do different things

user1493413286 · 07/04/2018 10:35

That wouldn’t work with my family and i’d find it very stressful. If you do it though I’d suggest different accommodation so you aren’t all in each other’s pockets

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 07/04/2018 10:35

I think the only way it can work is if it's something like Centre Parcs where there's stuff for everyone to do, and that people don't mind going off and doing stuff independently.

But, TBH, it's fraught with the risk of disaster, hurt feelings and everyone feeling frazzled and ripped off.

Bananamanfan · 07/04/2018 10:35

While I think it is good to spend time with wider family outside of the norm, it can be very hard work and almost all of our fallings out, on both sides, have been on 'holiday'
The best ever family holiday we had with my parents & siblings was when we had been away for a week on our own first before travelling on to the family holiday. My parents also paid for the accomodation. The worst has been when dh & I have had very limited time together and all of our time and budget has gone on a family holiday, making a holiday on our own impossible that year.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 07/04/2018 10:35

NO WAY

It’s bad enough doing a ‘family holiday’ with onevsude if the family (it’s NOT a holiday for me!)...both sides atbthe same time...no way. Just say No, VERY clearly.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2018 10:37

Agreed. Agreed. I could just see it now. My mother bitching about the people around her, her friends, making constant digs about me, seeing as I’m the family scapegoat, turning every conversation into something about her so that she can hold court.

Fil needing far more input than our 9yo, having to be told exactly what to do every step of the way because he’s undiagnosed autistic. Giving him the hour, 1/2 hour warnings we are going out then 10 mins, checking he’s wearing suitable clothing and ensuring he has all his tablets and everything he needs. Then he’d still be late. Checking he didn’t just open the bathroom window to invite burglars in as we are going out the door.....

And as for self catering, don’t let me start. The food we’d need because mother eats phenomenal amounts of carbs - constantly trying to feed them to dd, doesn’t do meat, dd is fussy and I’m gluten free, eat a lot of meat as this gives me energy: I’ve got ME so no way any of this would this be possible btw although I did contemplate it at some stage.

And yes, we’d be with them constantly. No going off and leaving us in peace.

If parallel universes exist, there may be an alternate me doing exactly just that. Poor her.

TrickyD · 07/04/2018 10:38

Every summer we take DS2 and his three DCs, now 25, nearly 13 and nearly 15 on a long haul holiday. For the last three years this has been at the same resort and it is safe to say they all love everything about it, considering the way they start begging us to re-book the moment we get home. This year DS1, his DP and baby DS are coming too.

The resort is all inclusive, free watersports which they love, beautiful warm, calm sea, several pools, gym, good food, kids' entertainment, casino for Blackjack playing DS2 and DGS abd simply lovely staff.

Crucially we can all do our own thing but meet up in the evening for dinner. As several posters have said, it is essential that everyone is given freedom to amuse themselves.

Having been on various cruises on small ships with DH and loved them, I really do not think they are a good idea for large family groups. I know many of the big ships have lots of entertainment for children, but they are the sort of cruises DH and I would avoid. Being confined in a relatively small space with thousands of others would drive me nuts.

DGD, 13, is longing to be 18 so she can access the Adults Only areas so unless we have major family fall outs we will continue to go away in the summer all together.

Jamiefraserskilt · 07/04/2018 10:41

We call this Walton-itus
It is not 1953 guys and the drive to appease everyone will cause tension. Nice thought but no thanks.

mousedahousecat · 07/04/2018 10:42

That would be my idea of hell.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 07/04/2018 10:43

I think it entirely depends on the personalities involved. If you're all of a similar mindset in terms of what you want out of a holiday, everyone is relatively easygoing etc. then it could work. If not it will just be stressful as you can rarely please everyone, the more dominant personalities will get their way with others having to play peacemaker all the time.

We have been on holiday with my DP's and found it really relaxing as they're very laid back and love being with the DC but don't try to take over. They are happy to go off and do their own thing some of the time and for us to do the same.
PIL are another story. We went on holiday with them a couple of years ago and I swear I actually teared up when the plane touched down back on British soil as I was so relieved it was over! They were so overbearing, everything had to be their way and they got deeply offended when we wanted a day (one day out of fourteen) just us and the DC. It was two weeks of bickering, unsolicited parenting advice, and them insisting we stick religiously to a pre-planned itinerary that completely failed to take into account we were travelling with small children. I have told DH in no uncertain terms, never again!!

Only you know what both sides of the family are like and if you feel it's not going to be enjoyable for you then don't be pressured into going.

MarmiteTermite · 07/04/2018 10:46

We went with my DP and DB plus his family once and it was generally good. Next year we are doing the same with the in laws but I really can’t imagine going with both DP and D in laws!! Recipe for disaster I would think

Thatoneagain · 07/04/2018 10:47

We did this once when DC1 was small- never again.

Our DP/PIL sound quite similar to yours- one set (my DP) happy to do their own thing most of the day and meet up in the evenings and the other set (PIL) want to be with us at all times. Before we went DH and I had the rather naive view that this would bring the whole extended family closer and we'd be able to maybe have a little bit of time alone as a couple.

In reality we lots of time and energy finding things to do to suit the PIL (they insisted they'd be happy with anything but made the experience miserable if we chose the 'wrong' thing and MIL actually cried when we suggested we take DD out for the day by ourselves). Then we ended up cooking for everyone (MIL is a fussy eater so couldn't find meals out to suit her and we felt bad if we didn't involve my DP in the evenings since we spent every day with the PIL).

They did all agree that DP and I should have a meal out alone one evening but they fought over who should babysit and PIL made it clear that they expected us to feed them before we left.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 07/04/2018 10:48

Another vote for a cruise. Excellent for multi generational holidays, everything laid on and taken care of. Plenty of options for splitting up during the day and then meeting for a sociable dinner. There are ships to suit everyone, don’t be put off by preconceptions of ‘floating hotels’.

Fintress · 07/04/2018 10:50

We never go on holiday with anyone full stop. We don't intend changing our mind on that either. I'd rather stay in solitary confinement.

Mix56 · 07/04/2018 10:51

No, You spend half the holidays talking about what to do, where to go, then waiting, oh the WAITING, for everyone to get up, breakfast, shower, get the sun cream, handbags, not everyone wants to do the same thing... its 100% stressful, there are too many people to please, meals become laborious, too many opinions, too many different tastes, TOO much hassle

Boulshired · 07/04/2018 10:51

Probably the best parents to go on holiday with are the ones that would run a mile if it was suggested.

TeeniefaeTroon · 07/04/2018 10:52

We hired a large house in Scotland with a pool and hot tub, short drive to a large city. We took my DP, my DGP's, MIL and our kids. It was great! There was heaps of room to escape each other if needed. My DGP's and MIL don't drive so they either came out with us or chilled at the house. Cooking was a military operation but everyone chipped in or we ate out.
I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

catinapoolofsunshine · 07/04/2018 10:52

If you don't want to do it don't. I've holidayed with my parents and adult siblings once when my kids were small and it was bloody awful. My mother wants to stay in mother role and decide what everyone is doing/ eating and "organise" us as if nobody else were over the age of 14. Ergh.

I've holidayed "with" the parents in laws twice, both times were OK as they did there own thing more and didn't try to treat us all like children. However the second time I found very difficult as I had a baby who MIL removed and went off with, I thought she was just having a cuddle but she took him away to show to random strangers and then back to their cottage without telling me, and he was only a few weeks old! It upset me a lot and everyone else told me I should have been grateful, which gave me the absolute rage, the deliberate dismissal of my very intense upset - lot of mention the leaking painful boobs as he missed a feed - as unimportant, and I didn't want to let him out of my arms after that.

People who do it and love it probably don't have misgivings before hand and look forward to the free babysitting. If you think it won't work it won't. Say no.

TeeniefaeTroon · 07/04/2018 10:54

We've also been abroad several times with my DPs and MIL. We got to have lots of fun with the kids during the day and evening but could then sneak off for a couple of drinks alone while the grandparents babysat.
My mum and MIL have been friends for over 30 years though so that helped.

TammyWhyNot · 07/04/2018 10:56

There are big family holiday people, there are cruise loving people, there are people who would never do either!

Other people’s love of these things is irrelevant if you are one of these people.

ForalltheSaints · 07/04/2018 10:56

I have some sympathy with the OPs view. A holiday where you visit other family members who live a distance away is a different thing though.

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