To see no benefit at all of holiday with dps and pils

[ohhelpohnoitsa]

I am in a strop and being snappy -imagine this is anxiety although I dont normally feel anxious. My parents have (imo) a romantic notion that a family holiday would be great. Us, dcs, them and in laws. I see absolutely no pleasure in this -just constant compromise to the most mediocre option, feeling edgey, constantly trying to appease everyone as I am the common denominator. Sides of the family don't know each other well -Christmas day always together and a few meals out per year. AIBU? Do people do this and find it pleasurable? We'd each pay our own way, I would insist on a kitty as there's the one that would happily let everyone else pay, we dont want or need babysitting services as family holisays for us are about time with the dcs. One side of the family will be fairly independent and be happy to come togerher for meals and odd activities, one side of the family is not and will be with us in every waking moment. Please share your own experiences with me so I can have a more balanced and open minded view. For the record, there are no relationship issues on either side, just dont see any romance in a big melting pot. AIBU?

Do a weekend in the U.K. - don't go on a proper holiday. Centre parcs is great albeit expensive, but worth it I think for multi generation holidays as there is something for everyone and a weekend is Friday to Monday so not too claustrophobic if they get a bit clingy!

We did centre parcs last year and doing it again this year as it was a success. I would however never manage abroad with my parents let alone mil!

Christ no. Just no.

My worst nightmare, totally agree with you. Had to go on a holiday with PIL and the extended family once, never again. However I have friends who do this every year and love it, so each to their own!!

I'd do it if everyone had their own villa/house or whatever. I know I'd struggle with my in-laws, we've had a weekend with them and I found that stressful, they get up at the crack of dawn and they have to be doing something the bloody time. It's not relaxing.
May parents are a bit more the other way and spend most of the time cooking then cleaning up after cooking or shopping for what to cook. It's nice a couple of nights but not for a week or fortnight. You can't just find a place for lunch while you are out, it has to be researched and routes decided upon.
The two together would be a recipe for disaster!

This would not be a holiday.

It's not something that I could see anyone in my extended family ever suggesting.

And here's the thing - we are pretty close and all get on . I love spending time with my sister and often ask her to join us and it's great. But all of them together - oooh no.

If it's something that you just have to do I feel for you and hope that it is OK.

We've done just this every summer for the last few years. It's fucking hard work. We get a house with 5 bedrooms for 9 of us (fil, my mum & dad, dp and myself, and 4 DC)

For me, pros: fil and my parents pay for most stuff. They know we don't have much spare, so happily put their hands in their pockets within reason.
Mum will happily spend the whole holiday happily cleaning. Every year the house we stay in has sparkly skirting boards. Ironic as she's a hoarder, and the skirting boards in her house cannot be seen.
Fil supplies lots of booze. That's a big pro.
They'll watch the DC so dp and I can escape for a walk on our own.
The grandparents enjoy seeing the DC for the longer period of time, and the DC do benefit. They otherwise don't see my parents very often.

Cons: they're fucking annoying. Really fucking annoying.
I ended up cooking for 9 every night.
Laundry for 9 (I insist the house has a washing machine so I can pack light)
My mum singing all the fucking time
Trying to find activities to please everyone. Fil cannot walk any distance. My mum isn't great any more. My dad is like a duracell bunny and the DC are teens/tweens. It's nigh on impossible, and when exploring a town we very quickly find a bench to settle fil on. Meanwhile, as my attention is on sorting out fil, my dad has buggered off with the DC to find ice creams. And so on.

This year I've put my foot down and we're staying in the UK. We're also not taking bikes this year (fil cannot walk but can cycle). It's harder to find a large holiday home here, so my parents have taken a separate one and the two teenage boys will stay with them. Also, my parents are taking the boys to some where else for a couple of days before hand and meeting us in Devon. Fil is insisting on driving himself, so I have to negotiate him wanting to take a DC or two.

It can work, but you need to manage expectations, and have clear conversations about costs and how they're shared.

ohhelpohnoitsa

What you've described sounds like a punishment not a holiday.

OMG no. The parents of both of my daughters are nice, but me and DH struggle to even go out for a meal twice a year! Our one daughter (who lives 15 miles away,) always arranges something (like a pub lunch) early to mid summer, and then something mid December, for us, her and her B/F, and HIS parents. And as much as we think his folks are quite pleasant, we dread it. I mean, it's always pleasant and cordial etc, but we would quite happily never go out with them again.

Our other daughter lives further away (50-60 miles,) and HER boyfriend's parents lives 40 miles from THEM (so 100 miles from us,) so it's more rare with them, but a couple of times we have visited our other daughter, her B/F's parents have come along for a meal out with us, which makes us feel a bit ....😬

I would go on hols with our 2 daughters and the 2 boyfriends, but NOT their family too. Hell to the no. 😲😛

Sometimes, I wonder if there is something wrong with us, but then I come to places like this, and LOADS of people think the same! Also, when I was a child/teen, I don't think any of my friends parents, even ever MET their partners parents (until the wedding ... and then they rarely saw them again - if ever! )

One good friend of mine said her husband's parents only met HER parents 3 times - at their wedding, and the Christenings of the 2 kids. And the 2 sets of parents lived THREE MILES away from each other. My friends parents died 25 or so years after my friend and her DH met, but that was still 25 years of living just a mile away from the husband's parents, and only meeting them 3 times. (All in the first 5-6 years, and then not again, at ALL for the remaining 20-ish years they were alive!) And as I said, they only lived 3 miles apart! And the more I speak to people, the more I realise it's not that rare or weird.

I digress. @ohhelpohnoitsa YANBU. I would NOT want to do this, it would stress me out so bad! Even thinking about it makes my teeth itch!

LOL at Jamie's comments about the Waltons! But even THEY didn't do shit with BOTH sides of their family. I think they rarely featured - if ever, and not together I don't think. Same with 'FRIENDS...' I don't think Ross and Rachel's parents met more than twice. At Rachel's birthday party (the one with 2 parties,) and also at their daughter Emma's birth. Only fiction, but it is pretty much like that for most people. MOST couples don't do stuff with both sets of parents, like all together; it's just WEIRD and I'm not even sure why.... It just is!!!

OMG no. The parents of both of my daughters BOYFRIENDS are nice, but me and DH struggle to even go out for a meal twice a year! Our one daughter (who lives 15 miles away,) always arranges something (like a pub lunch) early to mid summer, and then something mid December, for us, her and her B/F, and HIS parents. And as much as we think his folks are quite pleasant, we dread it. I mean, it's always pleasant and cordial etc, but we would quite happily never go out with them again.

Our other daughter lives further away (50-60 miles,) and HER boyfriend's parents lives 40 miles from THEM (so 100 miles from us,) so it's more rare with them, but a couple of times we have visited our other daughter, her B/F's parents have come along for a meal out with us, which makes us feel a bit ....😬

I would go on hols with our 2 daughters and the 2 boyfriends, but NOT their family too. Hell to the no. 😲😛

Sometimes, I wonder if there is something wrong with us, but then I come to places like this, and LOADS of people think the same! Also, when I was a child/teen, I don't think any of my friends parents, even ever MET their partners parents (until the wedding ... and then they rarely saw them again - if ever! )

One good friend of mine said her husband's parents only met HER parents 3 times - at their wedding, and the Christenings of the 2 kids. And the 2 sets of parents lived THREE MILES away from each other. My friends parents died 25 or so years after my friend and her DH met, but that was still 25 years of living just a mile away from the husband's parents, and only meeting them 3 times. (All in the first 5-6 years, and then not again, at ALL for the remaining 20-ish years they were alive!) And as I said, they only lived 3 miles apart! And the more I speak to people, the more I realise it's not that rare or weird.

I digress. @ohhelpohnoitsa YANBU. I would NOT want to do this, it would stress me out so bad! Even thinking about it makes my teeth itch! sad

LOL at Jamie's comments about the Waltons! But even THEY didn't do shit with BOTH sides of their family. I think they rarely featured - if ever, and not together I don't think. Same with 'FRIENDS...' I don't think Ross and Rachel's parents met more than twice. At Rachel's birthday party (the one with 2 parties,) and also at their daughter Emma's birth. Only fiction, but it is pretty much like that for most people. MOST couples don't do stuff with both sets of parents, like all together; it's just WEIRD and I'm not even sure why.... It just is!!!

(Sorry I had to repost as I made a cockup on the first line, and cannot edit grrr!!) I meant our daughters BOYFRIEND'S parents!)

A cruise sounds cool. But the cost for many would be out of reach.

I'd say negotiate any ground rules BEFORE you go and plan out what you are going to do in mind numbing detail - we went away (in UK) with PILs - we knew they expected my husband to do all the driving and we agreed to do some day trips to unspecified "sites". So far so good except all the places they thought we should visit were hours away from where we were staying. If we knew they wanted to visit loads of stuff in Portsmouth, we'd have booked accommodation in Portsmouth...... So DH ended up driving half the day with a small child couped up in the back of the car.
Also going into this level of detail might well just make them decide it's too much like hard work.

We go on holiday with our in laws and extended family every year and it's so much fun! We have been with my DP a few times as well separately which is also great fun. Can't imagine going with my DP's and M/FIL on one trip as their ideas of a fun holiday are polar opposites and although they get along well it would be a weird holiday.

Could you not go away just with the parents that are keen on sharing a holiday? Sorry if I've missed something and both sets of parents are keen!
Holidaying with extended family is so much fun though and there's always lots to do :)

Speaking from experience, if you do do this, absolutely insist on separate accommodations. One large shared cabin/Manor House/castle in the sky may sound great, but having no escape is actually hell. I have done these holidays a few too many times really.

If you do still decide, and in truth if you get it right it’s not all bad, but if you do all holiday together, you don’t have to spend all day, every day doing the same things. It’s great if you spend a day at the beach or by the pool and your parents visit the local vineyards.

You all come together for the evening meal, chat and drink wine before you retire to your own private apartment. (Where you can argue, have sex, swear or walk round naked with confidence)

It’s a great option if you’d like some quality time as a couple as you have babysitters. But separate accommodation is paramount.

Also make sure there is something to appeal to everyone. We did a three generations, three different family groups (DH & I. Dd1+ her dp + 3 dc and dd3+dp+2dc) to Paris Disneyland. Days were good, nights less so. As not much evening entertainment other than drinking or eating. So my dd’s never really got the romantic child free nights out they had hoped for.

not sure about two sides.we don't even like doing this for celebration days.you act differently with your sis/mum etc than you do to ur dh side.sometimes its nice for them not to have known all your mistakes like ur side has growing up with you hehe.
but depends.if you all get on.
we have had some of the best holidays I could have dreamt of having with one side.skiing with huge 14 lodge.dh and his two sister and there kids.
equally with the cousins camping round Europe.
but we would never dream of doing this with mums side of the family!!we struggle when its "our turn" at chrismtas with some of them.
you have to knw whether your brave enough to be independent to walk away have your own time.but want to do stuf together too.i your all going and will never want to see eacohter then whats the point.
you can get your hand on some beautiful big property deals though when splitting cost.

There was, at one point in our family, a movement towards precisely this sort of thing.

It has, fortunately, been halted and there is no talk of picking it up again. I would refuse to go. I don't want to spend my holidays in large groups anyway.

I love extended family holidays, as long as split up and do activities that suit. Then we get together for evening meals and sometimes nighttime entertainment.

There has to be no judgement on drinking etc and I don't do laundry and excessive cleaning. I will rinse swimming stuff through, but that is it. I never get into a kitty. If communal cooking is done, then we buy components, that work out fair.

That way, everyone is happy and no-one feels like a burden. I am happy to babysit (as long as they accept that I will have a drink) and take someone out in a wheelchair etc, but things are discussed before we go and compromises are made willingly.

Wow, only read a few replies so far but thank you all. SO USEFUL getting peoples' opinions, eapecially from thise of you who are the dps or pil. Perfect. I dont even know how this has become an idea. I am going yo do the mumsnet thing 'no' as a full sentence. Will go on 2 seperatr holidays and that will be pleasant. I cant imagine why I even half agreed to think about it. Thank you all, IANBU.

Gawd NOOOOO!!, my situation is different, we live down under and have family descend on us, the idea is lovely, oh we miss them, would be lovely to spend time with them, the reality is so so different, we become a hotel offering full maid service and it’s bloody expensive, they lounge around the pool all day while we go to work and as we walk in the door the first question is ‘what time will dinner be served.....’ because that is exactly what they expect, dinner served, also random comments like the beer fridge is empty...we’re running out of wine...can we borrow your car tomorrow for a trip...did you fill it up? Gonna treat myself to a MacBook tomorrow, so much cheaper here and gonna get all GST refunded at the airport....oh going out for dinner tomorrow? Not sure we can afford that...oh it’s on you, how lovely, expensive starter, main and the rest, cocktails the lot. I’ve even been given their washing and asked if I can have it washed, dryed and ironed and back by the evening thank you....plus, once we actually had the audacity to ask the grandparents if they would mind babysitting while we had a never before known ‘date night’ out to be promptly told we were being unreasonable as this was actually their holiday....100% truth, we literally love the idea of seeing them but when they arrive and reality hits we virtually have nervous breakdowns!!

I have RTFT now and have literally been laughing out loud to the point that my son has been laughing at me, laughing at this! Thank you all for your experiences and honest opinions. This holiday really wouldn't work. Pils is actually only mil, but I didnt want it to be a mil thread as I have no (ok very few) issues with her per se. But she would not do anything without us, whereas my parents would. No no no, who said they would sooner deep fry their own head? Yes, concur. Now I have to my mother.....who was indeed a fan of the Waltons! [SMILE]

Hey, why didnt my smile work?

@TammyWhyNot you are right of course, I suggested a cruise as the best option having seen it work for large groups. But in the end the OP is either up for a family holiday or she isn’t. And if it’s not her bag (wouldn’t be mine in all honesty) she shouldn’t be afraid to say no. It’s her holiday too.

No I wouldn't do it. Holidays are family time for us

I've been trying to envisage a holiday with DP, DSS, his partner, DGD and his partner's DPs. The awfulness of the prospect defies my imagination.

DSS and his DP are absolutely lovely, but quite chaotic. They inhabit a world of lost vagueness. They invite you round for a meal at 8 and you eventually get something to eat at about 10.30, by which time by stomach has gone to sleep and doesn't want anything until breakfast. They are late for everything, and don't seem to think anything of it. It could be because they smoke a lot of weed. I know that a holiday with them would involve us sitting around for ages, ready to leave to go somewhere, while they faffed about. They also keep going vegan, sometimes for as little as 7 days at a time, before DSS reverts to eating huge amounts of meat, and his DP has loads of food allergies so catering would be a nightmare. (actually, she's not alone - I'm allergic to a fair amount of seafood).

The other GPs are perfectly nice people, but we have nothing in common with them. DP is thoroughly bored by his opposite number, who constantly goes on about his ailments and operations while getting progressively more pissed, and his wife is quite a laugh but lives to shop (and drink). DP and I enjoy a drink or several, but are happy not to if we're doing other stuff and don't feel compelled to stay in the bar till they chuck us out or we're too pissed to stand. We prefer strolling, sightseeing, galleries and museums.

I realise this makes me sound terribly uptight, but we're so used to just pleasing ourselves I think it would be very challenging. We don't go on holiday to be challenged!

Been thinking about this thread, and remembering last year when a tiddly fil broke the toilet and we were left with one toilet between 9 of us.....

Yanbu.

A family weekend away somewhere is more than enough.