Living the dream... and not liking it :(

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We made the jump from city to countryside last year. I’ve got everything we talked about, big house, real fires, stand-alone bath, wet room, huge garden, country lanes, nature... and I don’t like it one bit.

The bath. How I longed for a bathroom like in the magazines. It’s crap. Water splashes everywhere including underneath and it starts to small damp if not wiped up. So you just finish a nice relaxing soak and then you’re on your hands and knees in a towel trying to wipe it all up. It’s a big house, it’s hard and expensive to heat. The underfloor heating is cracking the tiles so it looks awful and feels nasty. The place is so big the water pressure is shite and it takes ages for the hot water to come through the tap.

Something died in our roof space, the smell lasted 6 weeks. We couldn’t find it. Experts couldn’t find it. We run out of stuff constantly and the nearest shop is a small garage a few miles away. We have to drive to get anywhere. So much for all those country walks. We did more when we drove in from the city at weekends. The weather has been shit so we haven’t used the garden much. Trees came down. We were snowed in. The cars were iced up in the mornings. When the electricity went we were grateful for the real fires but the mess, the mess. And there’s mud tramped in everyday.

It’s a huge house. I have to walk up two flights of stairs if I’ve left something in the bedroom. Everything you want upstairs is downstairs and vice versa.

The saving grace... we rented! We can move back (not for six months:( ) to our city place and live the real dream with 24 hour shops within walking distance and restaurants and coffee shops and low bills and no stairs and I can have a bath without it being a major expedition. We can drive to the countryside when we want and then leave the dead animals and mud there when we leave.

But DH thinks we should stick with the decision now we have made it! He has a huge commute instead of a short walk, but he says it’s “running away”. He hates the commute! He’s a wackaloon!

Who is being unreasonable?! We’ve tried it for six months. We tried it. It’s shit.

I know with absolute certainty that I could not bear to live in a town or city again having spent years in London. I love the country, air, clean air and beautiful surroundings. I love the fact there are not many shops etc and for miles it is green with forests and fields.

You sound like you feel the same way about the city. You miss all the things Iike restaurants and shopping etc.

Yes, your children will have a better childhood in the country of course, but they will enjoy their teen years more in the city, so it is a balance. What means more to you?

I would also add miserable mother, miserable children. If you hate it, you are unlikely to make the most of it.

you really went for it didn't you

I lived in two cities very briefly and get panicy after a short space of time and spent all my time heading out the city. I like the convenience but theres so many people everywhere.

however, I also cant bear the thought of living somewhere where I couldn't walk to a shop, library, swim pool, café and so on.

we're all different. I think the edge of a compact market town with a train to London is about my level. But lots of people find this dreadful and soulless.

Whose dream? Why did you think this was what you really wanted? I can't think of anything worse than living in the countryside. I just moved from being 3 miles from the city centre to being 1 mile from the city centre and I LOVE it. Almost (aaaalmost) feels like I;m back in London. I walk everywhere, everything is close and if I need to see chickens and the sea, I jump in my car and I'm there in 15 minutes.

Location, location, location.

Do what makes you happy. A full time version of that cottage in The Holiday (movie) is not for everyone. It's not quitting, it's working out what you want in life. Embrace the journey (that sounds wafty but you know..)

A friends of mine moved to the country, moved 3 kids to new schools, has always been her dream etc etc...then found that she hated it and moved back within 6 months (luckily the children's old school took them back).

It sounds to me as if your OH thinks you should stick it out so as not be beaten, to show moral fibre etc. A common way of looking at things given that so much of our culture uses this trope. But actually, it's often not right- if you don't like it, you don't have to stick with it. It shows just as much courage to put your hands up to a mistake, IMO.

Re children in London or the country- both have lots of things going for them. There's no right or wrong. I find London hugely child-friendly and love that my children are growing up somewhere so diverse and exciting. Others feel differently. Horses for courses.

My idea of hell on earth is dirty streets, so many people, filthy air, not especially safe and with hordes of everything on my doorstep. The noise, pollution and endless 247 would seriously impact my mental health.

For me the tranquility, peace and gentle pace of life is idyllic and an ideal setting to raise children. I suspect your baby is too young to really enjoy its benefits apart from the clean fresh air.

If shopping and convenience we are important then you will be much happier in a city even with its negatives.

Not read all the messages, but people seem to be throwing this around like its a given

Yes, your children will have a better childhood in the country of course, but they will enjoy their teen years more in the city, so it is a balance. What means more to you?
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I don't think you should assume that. If children only see their dad on the weekend bc the commute is hours long and if they don't have friends next door because there is no next door and most of all, if they see their mum unhappy because she doesn't like being isolated, then no, their childhood is not going to be better just because they get to play poohsticks on the way to nursery.

You have definitely been taken in by all the media image of living in the country. Miles to go for Drs, dentist, hospitals. Shopping as you mention is a nightmare and expensive. To run and manage a big house takes a lot of cash especially if older property. I live on the outskirts of a small town/village with no public transport so drive even for a pint of milk. Add that to the cost of everything. Schools can mean either driving kids or they catch a bus, no way can they walk. Their contemporaries don't Live nearby so no school friends for company. No, it is not a dream lifestyle.

This has been one of the most hideous winter/spring in living memory. We're farmers and it has been extremely tough. However we live on the edge of a small town which has lots of supermarkets/ garage/pubs and restaurants which makes life easier. I echo what someone said about their farmer father never going for a walk in his life. Walking usually means work. I blame 'Escape To The Country' and lifestyle magazines.
Life should be about people and community and it sounds as if you're lonely.
Your DH has a hideous commute and he doesn't even see the country. What's in it for him? You'd be best moving back to London where your friends are. Moving back isn't a failure. It's the only sensible thing to do. Good luck.

A city is my idea of hell. We moved to the USA and we are now 7 miles from the nearest neighbors and 25 miles from a shop.

I love the fact that I am remote, no smells, noise or pollution.

Second turning the heating down. Also plan and stock up on food. Your freezer is your friend.

Sounds like heaven to me, but ‘The grass is always greener on the other side’
Seriously, move back if you don’t like it. I imagine you may actually love it when your son is older and can appreciate the wonders of a simple life.
I really don’t like where I live, moving isn’t an option, I don’t ‘people’ very well. I do love convenience and a decent WiFi signal though.

The mystifying thing is why you ever thought this was your dream in the first place. Well, enjoy your summer, including the midges and mosquitoes, attempting to walk on rat-run roads without pavements, visiting the city and having to leave everything early to make it back in time, and my personal bugbear - bloody evening alarm calls from male blackbirds (all evening long, aark aark aark until you go mad).

Some people are city folks and some love the country. I live in a village, admittedly a rural haven only a short way away from towns and stations, but it is heavenly. I love to go into London, which is nearby, and sample city delights although I think the best bit is at the end of the day when I can shrug off all the noise, dust and other people and settle back into bucolic dullness again.

We made this move a decade ago, when DD1 was 3, having both grown up rurally.
I think you have probably made the leap a bit early - DS not yet old enough to need the space to run, and by the sounds of it a bit too rural for you.
After trying out a summer why not move back to the city for a couple of years, then back out to a 'better' semi-rural location once the advantages are more apparent. Also look for an old-style new build property if wonky bits, leaks and being cold are not for you!!

Welcome to the countryside. If you don't like move back to the city and leave the house for someone who already lives in the countryside that doesn't want to move away.

It sounds as if country living isn't for you. But you might like it a bit better in the summer. Just move back to the city at the end of the six months.

I’m with you, OP, but the summer really is better. I’m tolerating it for now but am exasperated by the amount of driving I do. I have become supremely unfit as I now drive everywhere, instead of trotting off on foot to the shops/work etc, and there’s fuck all to do in the winter except eat cake and drink gallons of wine.

Summer can be beautiful though. When the housemartins arrive, I start to warm to it - I love walking through fields in the sunshine and watching them swoop around me to catch insects. That’s about ten minutes out of the whole bloody year, though. Move back!

Well I’m a Londoner so I think you should go home.

There’s nothing more gorgeous than having 3 metro supermarkets within a short walk, Sainsbury’s Chop Chop delivering within an hour of you order, sushi down the road, sociable and interesting neighbours, theatres, museums, cinemas, shops, every kind of restaurant under the sun etc.

I reckon after 6 months your DH will have had enough too. Why not rebrand the country sojourn as the ‘running away’ bit, and go back to real life.

It looks like you are complaining too much about the actual house. Maybe if you were in a better one, slightly smaller with less plumbing issues etc you would experience things differently and see the countryside in a different light. You really need to fall in love with the house your in and try out different areas to see which suits you best location wise. Countryside short distance drive to a town is best.

I'm in a similar situation. We found 'the house of our dreams' - even more hard core countryside than you, this place is in the middle-of-nowhere, it has no mains electricity or water, there's not even a road to the house, just a dirt track. We totally fell in love with it - believed we would become totally self-sufficienct, living the good life etc. But the reality is a lot tougher. Sometimes I love it and sometimes I think I can't stand it for another minute. I've started writing a blog about our life here givingupthegoodlife.wordpress.com - There is always something to moan about where you live, whether its poor water pressure or noisy neighbours or arguments over parking. I know which troubles I'd rather have - but I still wonder if I might be happier in a more conventional home. Good luck, I hope you find the right answer

I did the same last year,moved from the city to a rural area.
It's been really hard to settle.i really didn't think I'd have to work at it!

It's been a very cold winter,we've had. Duvet,2 blankets,hot water bottles and even used the hair dryer to warm the bed.
Only got open fires which are nice but don't stay in all night.but we've just had the cavity wall done and it's amazing were so cozy now.
I've ran out of diesel in the car and 3 weeks ago drove through a ford and wrote off my car by flooding the engine!

But I love it here!
Love the wild life,love the pitch black sky at night,love the country walks from my front door,love the 2 local pubs.

My hubby still travels to the city for work everyday so he hasn't settled as much as the kids and I.

Sounds like really not happy,but I'd give it a bit longer,get through the summer and see what you think then.

Maybe change the bath!

I’m probably a great deal older than most on here so I hope I can add something. There is countryside and then there is very rural. Why would you want to bring your children up in so much pollution ( if it’s London) and mad house prices ( if it’s London. We live in a village of 3000 We have 2 fish and chip shops. 1 the best I’ve ever had. 1 Chinese. Sometimes Off an Indians. A Post office / general store, co-op hairdressers. Repair garage. Repair cycle shop , Nursery , playgroup. Community coffee shop open part time. Village hall youth club etc The brilliant fish shop will even bring your fish and chips and also Sunday lunch to your door!! We have local tradesmen by the dozen who will drop in on a Sunday night to come and mend your boiler for no call out charge at all. Banking happens at post office. A park and skate board thingy Only sound at night is the church clock and barn owls and in the early summer if you’re awake early enough you can be woken up by the sound of cuckoo. And how can you not be organised food wise. Freezers. Bread makers internet shopping. How hard can it be. Having local produce on your doorstep is great or at most 5 miles or so away ( meat superb). Okay for me is this is not quite rural enough because it’s too near to the village pub , second thing is not in the county I would choose to be in , I’m here for family reasons , but would I ever leave it just to have more posh coffee shops Never. if you want to go to the cinema get a projector . Cheaper in the long run , okay for me it isn’t really rural enough because it’s too near to the village pub second thing is not in the county I would choose to be in. I’m here for family reasons but would I ever leave it just to have more posh coffee shops Never if you want to go to the cinema get a projector and save money. Luckily fine dining is not a priority fir me. You say you’re only renting that gives you a wonderful opportunity of writing down your must haves and must not have . for goodness sake a bath with lots water over the side couldn’t possibly be a deal breaker when it’s fixable. next question why did you choose a house with three storie if wasn’t what you wanted .? Long summer nights in the country cannot compare in the city Not that I’ve ever lived in a city , the nearest I’ve lived to a city is Brighton ( 1970’s) which had verve and energy and dynamism back then but after going back there a year away I simply could not cope with the amount of people on the streets and having to dodge them There must have been something about the country that made you want to give it a try , just look for a vibrant village location with amenities trust me there are villages with amenities . And there are wonderful houses also in villages , on the edge of the village or half a mile from the village , it doesn’t have to be isolated . And for the mud , well when you’re making your list of must have make sure you put boot room on it I can’t believe anybody would prefer living in a flat rather than a house but then that’s just me . If your husband is willing to do that much of a commute he must be getting something out of it and there are two of you to make this decision . It seems that you rushed into it without giving much Thought to what you actually wanted in a house , a pity to condemn the life of clean air and low density population just because of one bad experience .

I must live in the wrong type of city then as where I am, on the outskirts but near enough to walk in, it's really green and there's a lovely park, very quiet as well as not near a really main road.

The worst thing about the country for me would be the windy roads, I'm a total chicken and end up so stressed driving down single track roads in case I meet a car and have to reverse hit a wall like I've done in the past. If I could drive to a place easily and there's a couple of pubs/shops/schools, then that would be fine, but that's not quite the situation of the OP.

Should that be winding roads? Windy roads sounds, well, blustery!

If you’re not happy and you have the power to change it, then of course you’re NBU.

However, I would question why your ‘dream’ revolves purely around the big house.

I live in the countryside and I adore it and the lifestyle - heaps of friends 5 minutes walk away max, country pubs, the countryside itself, not being stuck in city traffic, kids being able to go to the very small local school and playing out in the street. Street parties with the neighbours. Huge sense of community.

It’s not about the house, it’s about the lifestyle...which is of course ‘horses for courses’ BUT try not to focus on your house and see what else the country lifestyle can bring you before you make a decision.

Crikey are you in our old rental? I loved the space around us and had the stable and paddock I always dreamt of but the house was too big and night,are to keep clean. We bought our own much smaller place in town instead