Living the dream... and not liking it :(

[hardtoplease]

We made the jump from city to countryside last year. I’ve got everything we talked about, big house, real fires, stand-alone bath, wet room, huge garden, country lanes, nature... and I don’t like it one bit.

The bath. How I longed for a bathroom like in the magazines. It’s crap. Water splashes everywhere including underneath and it starts to small damp if not wiped up. So you just finish a nice relaxing soak and then you’re on your hands and knees in a towel trying to wipe it all up. It’s a big house, it’s hard and expensive to heat. The underfloor heating is cracking the tiles so it looks awful and feels nasty. The place is so big the water pressure is shite and it takes ages for the hot water to come through the tap.

Something died in our roof space, the smell lasted 6 weeks. We couldn’t find it. Experts couldn’t find it. We run out of stuff constantly and the nearest shop is a small garage a few miles away. We have to drive to get anywhere. So much for all those country walks. We did more when we drove in from the city at weekends. The weather has been shit so we haven’t used the garden much. Trees came down. We were snowed in. The cars were iced up in the mornings. When the electricity went we were grateful for the real fires but the mess, the mess. And there’s mud tramped in everyday.

It’s a huge house. I have to walk up two flights of stairs if I’ve left something in the bedroom. Everything you want upstairs is downstairs and vice versa.

The saving grace... we rented! We can move back (not for six months:( ) to our city place and live the real dream with 24 hour shops within walking distance and restaurants and coffee shops and low bills and no stairs and I can have a bath without it being a major expedition. We can drive to the countryside when we want and then leave the dead animals and mud there when we leave.

But DH thinks we should stick with the decision now we have made it! He has a huge commute instead of a short walk, but he says it’s “running away”. He hates the commute! He’s a wackaloon!

Who is being unreasonable?! We’ve tried it for six months. We tried it. It’s shit.

You're living my dream, except I'd be willing to put up with that stuff just to be able to sit in my garden in the evening and not hear any traffic or neighbours. But I grew up in the middle of nowhere and it's ingrained in me to the point where I go all nostalgic at the smell of cow shit.

Could there be a compromise here? DH is a townie and can't bear the thought of not being able to walk round the corner for a pint of milk so we now live in a modern house on the very edge of a small city. We've got fields almost next door but also the bus into town stops about a 2 minute walk (on pavements!) away.

Drove into London today and I had just remarked to DH that the traffic was moving so slowly that we wouldn't get accidents like we do on the fast A road that we have to drive on to get anywhere from the country house... and then saw an accident at Clapham between two motorbikes . (Both riders OK.)

However, we had three things to accomplish and did them all in an hour. If we hadn't come into town that would have taken most of the day.

Going to have a bath in my tiny cramped lovely bathroom in a minute.

Hi OP - I am about 18 months into a similar move from London. Like you some aspects have definitely not been quite as idyllic as I imagined with the rose tinted specs on.
But I have surprised myself by probably adapting better than I thought - have never lived rurally at all before.
Anyway what I wanted to add to the thread is -
Many of your frustrations sound related to renting and having a very young child .
We are finding our two DC love the small community and the large garden. The small school is fab. The village is full of friendly families.
We were happy in London too mind you.
What is interesting is that I think I am a bit of a 'grass is greener' type and started to at times romanticise elements of our London lifestyle - we are visiting friends this weekend and it's great but has really made me realise how content I actually am.
I hear you on the woodburner workload but I can't wait to sit in front of that cosy heat tomorrow night. It would feel like a lot of space and air to give up now to come back to a city. Summer will be different but I do agree if it's not for you then there is no need to stay !

@Zaphodsotherhead

People also seem to have very different ideas of what constitutes a 'village'. I see there's people upthread saying they live in a small village that only has one pub, two shops, a couple of churches and one bus an hour.

Out here (North Yorkshire) we have villages which have none of these things. None. Our 'amenity' is a phone box.

So maybe there's 'rural' and there's 'rural' and some of us are talking at cross purposes.

So what if some places have 'no amenities except a phone box??' That doesn't make a place with a few more amenities less of a 'village!'

What a daft statement to make!

I can assure you my village is every bit a village. What the hell ELSE would you call a place surrounded by fields and farms, with 1 church, 1 pub, no public transport, and a primary school with 43 children, that is 3 miles from the nearest B-road, 4.5 miles from the nearest (market) town, and 5 miles from the main shops, the doctors, the dentists, and most main amenities??

And if all someone has is a phone box, where they live is not even a VILLAGE! It barely qualifies as a hamlet! A village is a community, and should have a Church to qualify as a village. (Which you haven't got, or you would have said!) So you are basically just a road with a few houses scattered about......

Excuse me? I'm pointing out that OP is saying that life is too rural for her and people are jumping in with their 'rural life in a village is so great, give it time' when they live in a place with all facilities. If you live somewhere with NO facilities, life is tougher to get used to! Don't tell me what I live in - I'm very well aware that it's a village, thanks.

I definitely think one has to make adjustments living in the country.

We have a food order once a week, and we order everything we need. We have two freezers, so can been stores of meat, frozen veg, frozen croissants, bagels, etc etc instead of buying fresh every few days or so. We buy milk 20 pints at a time which lasts the week. We have stocks of tins and everything always has a spare.

Boots come off in the front porch (entirely covered in washable doormats) or the conservatory (plenty of washable doormats). Wellies live by the back door for trips up the garden. Gators/outdoor trousers are used for going for walks so things don’t constantly need washing. I have a broad-brimmed waterproof hat for heading out in the rain.

Heating runs on oil, and has the biggest tank we could get hold of, so we only fill up once every 9 years or so. Then there’s a fire - the hearth is dusty, that’s just what hearths are like.

Windows have nets on for the summer so the flies don’t get in.

But once that is set up, we then have the whole countryside at our disposal. Kids are always off on their bikes, out cycling 20, 30 miles with their friends. Dens get built, picnics are taken. Sitting outside in the warm sun is idyllic. The walks through the quiet create an internal calm.

(I would never ever do a 2.5hr commute for this though, probably not more than an hour, as that is hideous and dire.)

My village also has a church (so is a village) - it has a once a month visiting vicar and otherwise runs on lay preachers. It has a congregation of about 8. The other facilities are a postbox and a notice board. I think the phone box is out of use. Technically a village, in reality a bunch of houses scattered through a parish, connected by a monthly newsletter and the open garden days in the summer!

A couple of years ago we stayed in a house at the edge of a village which had only a pub and a church and a smattering of houses. It was beautiful and lovely to visit for a weekend, but I could not live like that day to day. (And I'm sure people living there might say they enjoyed visiting the city I live in for a weekend but that they could not live there all the time! I'm not sneering at country life in any way and I know we all like and need different things). DH always romanticises when we go places like that and does the whole "we should change our lives and move here" thing, but forgets all the work that you have to put in, the challenges you'd face, the fact that running out of milk at 10pm would not be solved by a 5 minute walk to the never closing corner shop, that when people in very rural communities say "cut off" by bad weather they really mean they were cut off, etc. I would be utterly shit at living in the country proper. I was miserable enough in a market town. I do think it's absolutely OK to accept that you aren't cut out for a way of life- doesn't mean you are looking down on that way of living at all, just that you know it isn't for you.

"we are visiting friends this weekend and it's great but has really made me realise how content I actually am. "

That's interesting because when I go back to where I used to live I hanker after my life there, but my friends remind me that a visit is more fun than daily life and there were reasons why I left in the first place.
7 years later and still not sure I made the right decision...

I think it's great to try these things but there's no shame whatsoever in deciding it's not for you.

I would move back without any hesitation. Where I grew up was quite rural (large village), two buses an hour that sort of thing, so not quite the country. Couldn't ever go back to that, for starters I never managed to pass my driving test so living somewhere where you have to drive is pretty hellish to me. I live in a town now with easy access to London, lots to do and excellent transport links. There is countryside nearby if you want it, I don't to be honest. Its good that tried something and it s good that you can go back. Nothing ventured nothing gained, but you know you dont like it now so wont ever wonder

I have always lived rurally and intend to continue but I can see that its probably not for everyone. I do think that to give it a proper chance you need to leave it a while longer before a final decision. I think that in the city life goes on much the same all year and the changing of the seasons isn't as noticably as in the country. You have just lived there through the worst 6 months of the year. The mud will, hopefully soon dry up which means that people will start getting out and about, walking and cycling so you'll have more oppotunities to chat to neighbours. There will be no need for those messy open fires when it warms up and you can instead sit in the garden and listen to the birds singing. The house doesn't sound ideal but of course there is loads of choice as to types of housing in the countryside as there is in town. I would give it until September and if you still feel the same then make plans to move back.

Agreed that it sounds like the house isn’t right for you not the country. You are renting so why not look for a different house.
This winter has been tough, I’m a horse owner and having the snow and frozen pipes to deal with while still giving your animals the best way of life has been very taxing this winter so I suspect those “regular” people without horses have found it trying too. Why not try a spring and summer where you are? Get involved with local life and throw yourself into it. If still feeling like this come late autumn, then go back to the bright lights.
Mud is part of country life so get a lovely pair of wellies, can recommend aigles :)

I say late autumn as autumn in the countryside is simply gorgeous :)

He is. But I suppose you could give it a summer just in case

Most city dwellers don’t function well unless within 5-10 miles of a city or large town. Is there a bigger town nearby (with all amenities and a rail station to help your dh’s commute)? If so try the 5 or so miles around it.

Op, turn your heating down but have it on longer. And buy a pump for the water pressure.

Gwenhwyfar I know what you mean though - I said to DH it's like I can see how my old life would have been and I think I would still have been happy there too!
Definitely had some pangs of things I miss - but we are home now and I am so happy to be back - already lit the woodburner !
I guess everyone's story is different . We moved to a house we fell in love with - 3 x the size of what we had in London - we have outside space , space for guests , a lovely garden , parking etc - we are in a friendly village location , my family are very close by , and I am thirty minutes from my hometown so I guess lots of boxes were ticked by the move - and we don't commute back to London now .
Anyway sorry to be me me me - am reflecting today !
It just isn't as simple as city versus country !
Maybe OP and her DH need to go back to a wish list of what they want and see where that leads them - we had quite a compelling list of things we couldn't get from London life anymore as much as I love it there.

Apart from the house you're in being huge, that sounds like our everyday life! We have to drive EVERYWHERE and have no shop, but it's in an area we've always lived and just the way it is. It's our norm.

It must be very strange to move from somewhere busy to somewhere so quiet. Could you compromise and move to a busy village instead? With good bus links. Or even a small countryside town?

I want to know whereabouts longtail lives if s/he is still on here? The seaside place with all the culture - is it in Sussex by any chance? Or Suffolk? Don't need to know your exact home but general area would be good. Always interested to find the non-metropolitan arty enclaves that aren't the usual handful (Brighton/Hebden bridge/Stroud etc).

If you really don't like it then move now while you have the chance.
I am a country girl through and through. I love it. I have lived in 3 villages with children.
BUT bringing up 3 children in a village where they are at 3 different schools in 3 different places and the nearest shop of any kind is 3 miles away and DH works in a big city miles away and child care is a nightmare was not the best few years of my life. But when a friend pointed out all my problems in life could be solved by moving to a nearby town I thought she was mad - and realised that being in the country mattered more than any of the inconveniences. In fact I dread old age because I guess I will have to live in a town.
But if you don't feel like this, don't stay. It is your life.

You went from one extreme to the other. I agree that you need to look at country villages with atleast one pub, a shop and bus service.

could try somewhere on the outskirts so you get the best of both worlds. Country walks and plenty of local amenities

It sounds like one extreme to the other. We did our escape to the country, but we live in walking distance from two large supermarkets, a town full of shops and decent travel links to London. We are also walking distance to an AONB. Rent somewhere smaller too! There's no point rattling around a giant house when you could live in a two bed apartment or a small cottage. Much easier to heat, and less likely to have animals dying in it!

We did exactly the same as you and it has taken me 15 years and a lot of moaning to get used to it. All I can say is that the summer is better. We were about to move back to the city and then kids came along and then we got really stuck. Unless you want to spend your life in a car I would move back to the city. I miss all of my friends and nobody ever just pops in. It is the four or us in the house and the dark gloomy countryside around us. Very isolating. As soon as the children are off I am too - with or without hubby!!