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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this financial abuse?

106 replies

Jubelle · 07/04/2018 09:19

I am a sahm but I also run a business part time business from home but turnover is very small. My husband earns a pretty good salary and pays the mortgage, half of car loan and contributes 50 euro(Ireland) a week towards food max. I pay all the bills, buy the rest of the day food and get everything for the kids( ages 4 & 2). I have no access to his account as tbh he is like a jailer with money. If I don't have enough money to meet bills such as the car loan he has a piece of paper in his wallet that he writes ' money I owe' down on and every evening when he comes home from work asks if I have money for him even though tbh some weeks my business is very quiet and I may earn nothing. He also needs to see shopping receipts before he parts with 50 Euro for food. He does not want to know about a joint account. The last 3 months have been the worst I have absolutely no money, had to search through pockets for change yesterday to buy a carton of milk.He has at least 800- 1000 euro left per month disposible income, I don't know his exact take home pay whereas I have no one penny, haven't been to hairdresser in months. He spends his money on alcohol maybe 3 nights a week always has money to place a bet and is planning a trip to the US later on this year. He also does absolutely nothing around the house, never once has got up at night with my youngest child and the house is falling into disrepair but he doesn't want to know about it and refused to spend any money on t, won't even cut the grass, neighbour comes along and does it if I don't get chance . So fed up and tbh think I'll file for separation next week.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 07/04/2018 09:21

Yes, leave him.

Teatogo · 07/04/2018 09:22

Yes it's major financial abuse. Before you file for divorce I'd recommend gathering as much financial paperwork as you can. Ideally a bank statement and pension details

SoyDora · 07/04/2018 09:23

Yes that’s financial abuse and yes, I think separation is a good idea.
I’m a SAHM. We have one bank account that we have equal access to.

EweDoEwe · 07/04/2018 09:23

Yes.

Don’t have any more children with him.

Get a full time job. Tell him he’s paying half of the childcare bill. Save up. Leave him.

cansu · 07/04/2018 09:23

Bloody hell. Get rid of him.

caffeinefreebutsadaboutit · 07/04/2018 09:24

That is absolutely horrific. Yes that's financial abuse. I am so sorry op. I would get advice from women's aid and a solicitor and leave ASAP.

froggybiby · 07/04/2018 09:24

Sorry OP yes this is very controlling. I would leave if I were you.

HisBetterHalf · 07/04/2018 09:25

Lazy and selfish man

Sassypants82 · 07/04/2018 09:25

Yes, it's absolutely financial abuse. What a miserable bastard. Christ, there's a nicer life for you than spending it with a tight parasite who keeps a tab in his wallet. This behavior absolutely deserves a LTB from me. You would undoubtedly be better off separated.

NameyMcChangeRae · 07/04/2018 09:25

What country are you in OP?
Id leave him, but make sure you get as much evidence of his wages before you go as you can.
Disgusting behaviour on his part

DairyisClosed · 07/04/2018 09:26

Yes it is. What a tight bastard.

Sassypants82 · 07/04/2018 09:27

And FWIW, I'm a sahm at the moment and have a joint account, savings account & credit card. I do all the finance, have access to every penny & my DH wouldn't dream of thinking of our family money as anything other than that.

newmama2018 · 07/04/2018 09:27

I think this is just how some people have been brought up. How are his family and what do they think about all this? My husband earns a lot more money than me (four times my income) yet we split everything 50/50 and this leaves me with nothing and him with disposable income every month. He's already had one holiday this year and has another coming up in the summer. Neither of which I'm going on because we can't afford a holiday.

We have a joint account though that we put our respective money into to pay the bills and mortgages etc. From that I squirrel money away so that occasionally when I'm short in the month I have emergency.

I last had my haircut in 2015 by a proper hairdresser and just taught myself to do my own. My clothes are well looked after so I don't need to buy new ones and my son has hand me downs from family and gifts of clothes. I've also been smart and asked family for vouchers for birthday/Christmas so it's like extra income.

Rather than jumping into a separation could you not talk to him or his family. He might simply not realise the strain it's creating.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 07/04/2018 09:28

I don't think I've ever told anyone on MN to leave but you know already that there's just no fixing this at all. Walk away and leave him to his miserly life. He sounds genuinely horrid.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/04/2018 09:28

Yanbu, this is finiancial abuse.

caffeinefreebutsadaboutit · 07/04/2018 09:29

@newmama2018 err that is awful terrible. Why are you putting up with this? He is also financially abusing you.

caffeinefreebutsadaboutit · 07/04/2018 09:30

*also terrible

Juells · 07/04/2018 09:32

What a shit. Leave. Abuse doesn't get less as people age, it gets worse.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2018 09:35

OP - you are not being unreasonable at all here. Its a clear but case of financial abuse.

Newmama2018. You need to open your eyes to the fact you are being financially abused here too. Financially abusive men are not just financially abusive either. You are papering over the chasms by acting as you have done. He can certainly afford holidays; he simply does not want you to go with him. What sort of message are you also sending your son here?. You want him to grow up acting just like his dad?.

Avasarala · 07/04/2018 09:35

I'm so sorry you're in that situation, especially with the 2 kids.

Are there any family nearby who will take you in? If so, go stay with them. Make a single parent claim; you'll get tax credits to help you since you're working. Then, you'll have a bit of your own money.

Go see a solicitor; you're paying half the mortgage so he will need to buy you out at the very least, but since you have more need than him, you get more than 50% of the money leftover from a sale etc.

He will also need to pay for the kids. Since he is in employment and not self employed, then the CMS will be able to access his HMRC tax records and you will get payment from him.

You cannot stay in that marriage. Think about what it will be like when the kids get older. Right now, you can hide the financial distress from them as they are so young, but that won't last long. School parties, fairs, trios, discos, friend's birthday parties - all cost money and you'll have to say no every time.

If you really do not want to leave then get into counselling now. But, by the sounds of him, he won't go.

When he goes to work on Monday, leave. Make your benefit claim. Call the CMS (or whoever does child maintenance in ireland). And go see a solicitor for a free consultation. Write down everything abusive he has done - it will help you.

Remember, at the end of the day, when a marriage breaks down, the courts will side with whoever has the greatest need. So, you'll get money from the house. You might get spousal support but don't count on it.

Good luck.

newmama2018 · 07/04/2018 09:37

@caffeinefreebutsadaboutit I used to think it was bad but my family on both sides just said it's the cost of me being part time and that once I work full time I will also have more money to spend. It took getting used to but now I am managing really well. I'm not that fussed about going on holiday anyway because it's always stressful and his friends can deal with that whilst is stay home and get a free tan in the garden 😆

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2018 09:38

newmama2018

And you're happy with that set-up? You are also suffering financial abuse.

Why are you suggesting the OP talks about it? These men know exactly what they're doing and have no intention of changing.

At least leaving them means they'll have to part with some money in maintenance,

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2018 09:39

I used to think it was bad but my family on both sides just said it's the cost of me being part time

Oh they've all done a number on you haven't they? They just don't want to deal with any fall-out.

It's a miserable way to live.

Atticusss · 07/04/2018 09:40

I felt sick reading that, you poor thing. Definitely leave.

Here's how it works in our house as an example of what is probably more normal. I'm a SAHM, partner is self employed. We are supported by child tax credits which get paid in to my account. He pays the rent, electric, gas, council tax, his vehicle insurance/tax/petrol etc and majority of the food. His phone, his family gifts, our alcohol and family days and meals out. He pays half the family holiday money.

I pay for smaller food shops, the water, kids classes and activities, kids clothes, nappies, baby stuff, kids Christmas and birthday presents, friends and my family gifts, tv subscriptions, mine and eldest daughters phone contract, half the holiday.

If I'm short he hands me money no questions asked and doesn't want it back. if I need cash because I only have my card ditto. If he gives me money to do a big food shop he doesn't expect the change. If I ask him to pick any of the items up I usually pay for he'll just pay for them himself.

Once we aren't entitled to tax credits any more we will get a joint account but at the moment it would be harder to keep track of things.

KatharinaRosalie · 07/04/2018 09:41

used to think it was bad but

it really IS bad. Your husband is going on holidays alone because you can't afford it? You can't afford even haircuts and clothes while he's spending left and right. This is horrible. Not a situation where you should shrug and say oh well, that's the way he is..