AIBU or is this financial abuse?

[Jubelle]

I am a sahm but I also run a business part time business from home but turnover is very small. My husband earns a pretty good salary and pays the mortgage, half of car loan and contributes 50 euro(Ireland) a week towards food max. I pay all the bills, buy the rest of the day food and get everything for the kids( ages 4 & 2). I have no access to his account as tbh he is like a jailer with money. If I don't have enough money to meet bills such as the car loan he has a piece of paper in his wallet that he writes ' money I owe' down on and every evening when he comes home from work asks if I have money for him even though tbh some weeks my business is very quiet and I may earn nothing. He also needs to see shopping receipts before he parts with 50 Euro for food. He does not want to know about a joint account. The last 3 months have been the worst I have absolutely no money, had to search through pockets for change yesterday to buy a carton of milk.He has at least 800- 1000 euro left per month disposible income, I don't know his exact take home pay whereas I have no one penny, haven't been to hairdresser in months. He spends his money on alcohol maybe 3 nights a week always has money to place a bet and is planning a trip to the US later on this year. He also does absolutely nothing around the house, never once has got up at night with my youngest child and the house is falling into disrepair but he doesn't want to know about it and refused to spend any money on t, won't even cut the grass, neighbour comes along and does it if I don't get chance . So fed up and tbh think I'll file for separation next week.

Oh and I was an only child. No excuse for being a selfish bastard.

This thread has made me feel sick to my stomach. I'm a sahm and we have a joint account which we both have access to. My dh doesn't give me spending money because I'm not a child I'm his wife and I look after his child. I can't believe that newmama you think it's ok for your husband to get a holiday alone but not you. That he doesn't have to provide food and clothing for his own child.
My dd is 3 and energetic but my dh still looks after her cause he's her dad even when she's being loud and annoying. This morning my dh sent me a link to a pair of boots he knew I would love that were in a flash sale and said 'you should get them of they have them in your size' I didn't have to ask his permission to buy new shoes.
Apart from bedtime which is half an hour a day why can't you dh look after your son more. He's 4 years old not 4 months.

As all others have said, this is not normal.
Dh and I don't have a joint account, what I spend my fun money on is none of his business and vice versa as long as everything else is settled, we regularly transfer to each other for stuff we need, or if one of us is short. When I wasn't working and a sahm I had all the benefits and tax credits and if I ran out I would use DH s credit card so he could pay it off (if he wasn't around to ask for cash)
Please do as others say and try and get some financial information before you start the process as it doesn't sound as if he will be forthcoming with his details for a fair settlement. And good luck.

Wrt the holiday thing DH does go off on his own sometimes to do things that do not interest me, and I do the same.

SUPER weird and yes it’s abusive

Jesus you poor thing definitely get rid of this horrible twat.

Jubelle I have some good news for you. You are in Ireland which means you have access to a very generous social welfare system if you LTB. This means you can leave him as soon as you are emotionally ready and take the time to get your family emotionally stable within it's new circumstances before you need to work out your next move in terms of working.

You should take the advice to make an appointment with Citizen's Information Services and work out the exact best route to take but the basics are that as a single parent you will have €261pw, on top of the €280pm child benefit. You will also qualify for an annual fuel allowance of €607. That's an annual income of €17539 tax free plus you'll get a back to school allowance when necessary and a Christmas bonus. The money you make from you business seems like it would be under the earning limits, so that wouldn't effect any of those payments though it may make you ineligible for a medical card. If you have to leave the family home you will qualify for rental allowance, though if you live anywhere with a rental shortage try to avoid that. One possible solution would be for your husband to pay the mortgage (or a share of it) in lieu of maintenance with an agreement in place to sell the house as a joint asset when your youngest child is no longer dependant (22 if in full-time education). Though do this through the courts rather than informally.

You won't exactly be rich, especially if you have a large mortgage, but you will be an awful lot more comfortable than you are now. And it will give you the time and space you need to plan for a more secure future. Tbh, can almost guarantee that your husband will vow to change his ways if he sees you seriously pursue separation. You will be far better off and he will be far worse off if you split. He may fight, threaten and tantrum but eventually he will back down and offer you more access to cash. If this happens only you can decide if you want to try starting over with him. But if you do, do not settle for anything less than complete and utter financial equality and be vigilant about it.

The social security net is there for a reason. It may help you start over as a lone parent or give you leverage to rebalance your marriage fairly. use it.

Newmama, how about your time to relax? Holidays with friends?

Just because it used to be worse (borrowing money!?!?) it does not mean it's now good.

My DH used to be a SAHD with our now 4-year old. He had FULL access to all our accounts and money. I would never, ever have thought that he has to scrimp and save and 'pay the price' because he's at home looking after our son. It really, really isn't something a normal loving partner would do.

You don't have to live like this.

Please work on improving your self esteem and leave him. I don't say that flippantly, he is showing you no consideration, support or respect. No one should have to live like that.

Please dont live like this OP and @newmama. I have and it was horrible. Get out whilst you can.

My OH is an only child and has never had to share before.

WTAF? My DS is an only child and he has to share plenty. In fact he often comes to me in tears wanting to help children in war/famine or animals in jeopardy. He's more than happy to give money from our disposable income to charity even though he nows we are on a tight budget and that means we won't have it for other things. He has suggested a family of refugees could have his bedroom instead of being stuck in a freezing tent after seeing a DEC advert. He saw a cartoon at Christmas that showed a problem in Santa's workshop so he packed up a sack of toys for Santa to take to younger kids.

If he ever grows up to treat his wife and child like your husband I'll probably die of shock and heartbreak but not before kicking his ass from here to the moon. Stop making excuses for awful behaviour. The fact that he was an only child is not a reason for him to be abusive.

I agree, this is an extremely sad thread both in the case of OP and newmama. Currently I don’t work, I have done In the past, had a pretty good career but will never match the dizzy heights of hubbys career. However, from day 1, the day we realised we loved each other and wanted to make a life long commitment we just pooled everything to make our joint lives as amazing as we could. Every bank account is joint, our current account, savings account, investments, mortgages. When DD came along, quite frankly something had to give, hubby cannot do school drop offs and pick ups, he cannot meet the day to day demands of child care, child safety and everything that goes with that, something had to give and stereotypically it was my career, however, pragmatically he was always the massive earner. But he loves me and his child, he would never see us without or struggling, his biggest pleasure is providing for us, that’s is what drives him, to give us all together a lovely life, don’t doubt my regrets, I have them, but I do not want my child to miss out, be passed around for child care and miss out on having parents presents on special occasions at school, she was our late surprise and we treasure that. I know others are not so fortunate and they simply have to juggle it all between them and I admire and respect that, but even then it I say equal, shared and team work. I cannot imagine the man who keeps his money to himself and allows his wife and child to struggle along, trying to survive and cope, a man earning good money should feel completely ashamed his child has to wear hand me downs, it’s totally shameful. I am not a pampered wife, I work very hard to alleviate the stress from my husband, to at least ensure that when he comes home he can have quality family time and de-stress, he appreciates this, he tells me I am his rock and he’s is also mine, it’s a complete partnership, fair and square, but I’ve also spent my time studying a degree because when the time I see right I will resume my career and will contribute towards a lovely retirement where we can enjoy the fruits of both of our efforts and enjoy our lovely child as an adult fulfilling their dreams and opportunities that we both worked together to ensure.

Newmama I am part time and my DH earns twice what I do. Set amounts go into our joint account for mortgage, bills, food etc, joint savings and DS savings and then what is left is split exactly in two and goes into our own accounts. If DS needs something it either comes out of a joint account or we split it in two.

You say your DH is entitled to time out to relax? Why can he not do this with his family? He is living the life of a single man. Are you going on your own holiday and your DH looks after your DS.? There seems to be one rule for him and a different one for you. Why should you struggle for money and he spend freely? How do you fund evenings out with your friends?

Thanks for all the messages, I really appreciate it. Think I didn't realise how bad the situation was until I wrote it down, Looking for change yesterday was the last straw, I'm just so fed up of watching every penny. This situation is not going to improve and really don't want to in this position in a year's time, so I'm seeking legal advice on Monday, so onwards and upwards

I'm sorry but if these men have always been like this why on earth did you stay and go on to have children with them?
Definitely abusive, it's sounds awful. Poor you and poor kids. If he won't listen to reason I hope you can find the courage to leave.

Just read your update, op - well done and good luck!

@newmama2018 you are also suffering financial abuse along with op. I didn’t realise I was suffering financial abuse until I started talking about my home finances with friends and they were like errrrrr... thing is it’s not something you normally talk about is it so it’s easy to sink into that mindset, this is normal.

Sorry this is long...
Op this is financial abuse. Been here. Still here really. Try very hard to get all the information you need re finances before he tries to hide it if you plan to leave him.
I’m not sure what your position is but I would often say to my husband I need money etc and I had to let him know what it was for. It got to the stage where I would hide money in my car so I could just have something spare. I reached my lowest point when my car was broken into and someone took my secret stash. I went to a divorce solicitor who made me feel even more low tbh but anyway I did need to know as much about his earnings etc as possible for a divorce. I actually found myself being so much bolder knowing I might get out. Bit by bit I found out everything re the mortgage, his salary and his credit card spending (fishing through his documents when he’s at work) It disgusted me so much when I found out how much he had it gave me a lot more confidence to sort this out.
I didn’t leave him. I got to the position that I paid £450 (obviously difficult to part with money) for the solicitor to write him a letter and then bottled it.

However, what’s happened since then, I now have so much more confidence knowing I’m all set up ready to ltb when I want to (passports of me and dd with me, photos of bank statements with his salary etc) as such I demanded I had access to money. He said of course he’d give me money but then never sorted anything out. In the end I threatened to call the police and report him. This resulted in us opening a joint account. He then checked everything I spent. So I asked for an allowance to be transferred. He kept saying he couldn’t decide how much I needed to wait. I finally got the courage to just fucking set up a standing order to a personal account. After all this he’s questioned why I need it. That we don’t have the money. I said I’ll keep an eye on things and if we’re running low I’ll put some back in. I resent him to the point it’s no longer much of a marriage. But now at least in a few months time I won’t have nothing. And my mental health I hope will be in a better place.
If you think your h will get violent leave. But in U.K. I was told leaving the house without reporting anything would put me in a worse position for divorce so it’s worth considering reporting this behaviour if you can get any evidence ie text him and get replies. I have a ton of evidence now. He’s so arrogant he would happily text me saying I don’t need anything this week.
Ps I hope you get your hair done soon. It’s these kind of things that make you realise you are actually suffering. (I was wearing 7 year old shirts to work too scared to buy anything. I’m now sahm now and it’s only now I can see what’s been going on) How many mums regardless of income can’t get their hair done ever? I still feel guilt every time I spend money but fuck me I’m not living my life this way, I provide free cleaning and childcare while he’s able to maintain his career off me doing so. If someone loves you they don’t treat you like this. They share and in the least act like they want to.

Oh and to those judging people having dc with these men, I’m a qualified professional, I was raised in a family where men earned the money mothers cleaned the house.

It took having my dd to realise what a load of shit that model was. It took my friends saying what do you mean you can’t afford to get your hair done/new clothes/lunch whilst on maternity leave. Also before dd I spent most of my time with h so I never realised he was so into what I spent. When dd was born I was on maternity leave and needed money just for me for the first time. He questioned the purchase of a sandwich £1.50 in a cafe. That’s when I realised that this wasn’t ok. Ive since found out he earns £6k pm with 5 figure bonuses throughout the year. Pretty sure I was ok having the £1.50 sandwich.

We actually discussed with people the fairest way to financially split the household and it was decided that we should open a joint account and each pay in the same amount to cover half the household costs.

What the actual fuck? How is paying 50/50 fair when one earns 4 times as much???

Update on situation ladies:
This morning whilst husband was dying of hangover( don't think I made it clear in previous posts but he is an alcoholic in deniel) in spare bedroom I went in and demanded money, tbh I actually lost the plot a bit, I'd been up maybe 4 times in the night with my toddler, was wrecked while he had a lie in, I threw cold coffee at him which I do feel bad about as I don't like losing control like this. Eventually he got up and I followed him around badgering for money, it is insane that I'm reduced to this. He got into car and said he will get me money. He was gone 4/5 hours, came home and tore in door, pushed past me went upstairs and packed a suitcase, never even looked at kids went to get into my car, I said take your own car as mine has the car seat s and buggy in it so he got in his car and drove off. I'm numb now, don't know how I feel, I have 7 euro to my name and he also used all my diesel up this morning and he knows I've no phone credit so he knows we are fucked. Luckily my parents and family live nearby and they won t see me stuck. I'm applying to district court for maintenance in the morning but don't know how that works if I have no address for him, maybe use work place address. Thanks so much to everyone for messaging, at least he's gone now and I have two beautiful little girls xx

Good riddance - hopefully he didn't hit anyone driving drunk.

You have been living with an abusive alcoholic. That's no life and no marriage, and horrible for your kids. The way up now begins.

Speak to your family, change the locks and the very best to you.

You are well rid of him.

Honestly the best result you could hope for. You shouldn't have to live like that.

You will be in control of your own life - as you should be - it will be tough to make the change but in the end you will be SO much better off.

Hope the kids let you sleep tonight.

Good luck starting a new life without him!

Hope he doesn't come back.

You mentioned car loans earlier. In your name? Any other loans? Do you have CAB or similar there to get advice on what to do with these?