AIBU or is this financial abuse?

[Jubelle]

I am a sahm but I also run a business part time business from home but turnover is very small. My husband earns a pretty good salary and pays the mortgage, half of car loan and contributes 50 euro(Ireland) a week towards food max. I pay all the bills, buy the rest of the day food and get everything for the kids( ages 4 & 2). I have no access to his account as tbh he is like a jailer with money. If I don't have enough money to meet bills such as the car loan he has a piece of paper in his wallet that he writes ' money I owe' down on and every evening when he comes home from work asks if I have money for him even though tbh some weeks my business is very quiet and I may earn nothing. He also needs to see shopping receipts before he parts with 50 Euro for food. He does not want to know about a joint account. The last 3 months have been the worst I have absolutely no money, had to search through pockets for change yesterday to buy a carton of milk.He has at least 800- 1000 euro left per month disposible income, I don't know his exact take home pay whereas I have no one penny, haven't been to hairdresser in months. He spends his money on alcohol maybe 3 nights a week always has money to place a bet and is planning a trip to the US later on this year. He also does absolutely nothing around the house, never once has got up at night with my youngest child and the house is falling into disrepair but he doesn't want to know about it and refused to spend any money on t, won't even cut the grass, neighbour comes along and does it if I don't get chance . So fed up and tbh think I'll file for separation next week.

@newmama2018 your posts are making me very sad and upset. You seem so focused on the fact you like him having holidays without you - he could still do that if you had access to pooled finances as he could just pay for it from the joint account as agreed he doesn't need to keep you in poverty in order for that to happen.

The fact your family have normalised this abuse to the point where you are blindly defending him is the saddest part of your posts. I hope you take some time to let what people have said here really sink in.

@newmama2018

When you are relying on handouts from family and birthday cash/vouchers in order to clothe your children then you are not in a good situation.

When you are ciphoning tiny bits of money out of a joint account and hoping your husband doesn't notice, just so you can manage, then you are not in a good situation.

It would be one thing if you were all struggling. But he isn't. And you are.

And you think it's fair. If you don't want a family holiday now whilst the kids are young, that's fine - but what about taking them to CBeebies land for the weekend, or longest safari park. Small trips that they will love... That as a family is affordable, but not for you because all the spare income is for your husband.
What about when they are older and will not be crazy on a holiday.... Oh well, they can't have one because all the spare money is for your husband.

What a ridiculous way to live. And you know it. You know you don't have enough to live in becaseu you're sneaking money out of the joint account and hoping he doesn't realise. So you know what sort of situation you are in.

And you stay with this man because..?

It's so frustrating and heartbreaking reading threads like this
You (and newmama) are so clearly being financially and emotionally abused. I understand abuse is a complex thing, and abusers are experts in making the victim blind to their abuse but I just want to shake you both!
Your husbands don't love you. They don't respect you. Your 'relationship' is not equal. He sees you as an unpaid slave. He's vile.
Leave these horrid men, you'll be better off and happier alone.

I can’t understand why women accept being treated second rate, particularly if they are working part time or a SAHP. Why accept anything else than 50% of any available family money ( after paying bills, food, savings etc). Why should your partner have more money than you.? It would appear from posters that they are not in a good marriage or partnership. Just because your partner works full time why can’t they contribute to the physical and practical aspects of raising their DC’s.

This is such an upsetting thread.

I am the main earner in our house. We have a joint account, a joint credit card and our separate savings are topped up to the exact same amount each month. We are equal and a team, why would I want to rip him off and cheat him? I love him, he loves me, we raise our dc together and share all our expenses.

op and newmamma - you are both being abused. Your children should not see this example of how to treat their partner or how they can be treated.

Op you are being financially abused, you deserve so much better

Newmama you are being financially abused and brainwashed, your ass hole husband and his family have you thinking your situation is good. You are not in a position to dish out advice to someone in a vunerable situation, please stop

And that advice was just awful as well. Basically telling OP to sneak money away from her husband without him noticing, and asking family and friends to give her money instead of confronting her husband.

It's frightening that people live like this, and advise others to do the same.

Op you need to leave him. @newmama2018 so do you. You and your child ate struggling while your husband is doing as he pleases but that's ok because he needs time with his friends? Please please open your eyes.

That is financial abuse and i would be leaving him, that is not an equal relationship! X

If you think he genuinely doesn't understand the position he's leaving you in, then talk to him and explain. If he fully understands, which sounds more likely then it's abuse.

You will need to gather as much of the financial information as you possibly can, and take it to a solicitor. Your local legal aid board may be able to represent you, or organise a certificate for another solicitor to do so. I think there is a payable contribution for this though.

Child maintenance is organised by the courts. The judge will assess your DC's needs and his income. Your local court can award up to 150 euro a week. If he should be paying more than that, you go to the circuit court, I think, but your solicitor can advise. Generally speaking, the mother is awarded the house, sometimes outright, sometimes until the youngest child turns 18 or leaves full time education. Ireland doesn't have tax credits, but you should be eligible for jobseekers, or lone parent payment. I think you can keep up your business, depending on the turnover, and if you're in receipt of certain benefits you could also be entitled to back to school clothing and footwear allowance, fuel allowance during winter, rent supplement, medical cards, and possibly the household benefits package to pay TV licence, and phone bill. You may also be entitled to free or subsidised childcare, but it tends to be a specific provider, which may or not be suitable for you. Depending on the age of your DC's, you could have a free year in preschool - ecce, which entitles your child to a full year for free, usually the year before school, but there's another scheme that offers a reduced rate. I'd imagine that you're already in receipt of child benefit.

I realise that it's so much easier for all of us to type on here and say ltb, while it's much harder for you to think about, let alone do. Unfortunately, having kids doesn't mean that the relationship would, or should work.

Newmama, IMO, if there's love and respect in a relationship, financial matters are shared equally, or according to the financial divide. In our house, all money is family money, but I know that this doesn't work for everyone.

Op

You really need to take your blinkers off.

You are defending your husband but have created a post asking if he is financially abusive? So why defend him?

It is clearly ridiculous, selfish and downright nasty to see the person you ‘love’ go without whilst you are sitting on a nice healthy bank balance.

Do you understand that?

Do you understand that if you were not at home looking after your child you’d be working and your wonderful dh would have to pay towards childcare costs? At least then you would have some cash to feed yourself and cut your hair!

He gets stressed with the kids so can’t holiday with them?! Aww poor wee toot. NOT he is a selfish man child who only thinks about himself, how to please himself and how to make himself happy

Tell him today that as you are so poor you are planning on returning to work as soon as you get a job. Tell him childcare will cost 1k per month and that he will need to pay half.

State that you’ve had enough of being poor whilst he swans around and you’d like to be able to afford the basics!

See how this lovely man likes that idea. Since he’s so nice I’m sure you’ll get a good response from him

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

Gosh this is a scary and incredibly tragic thread. @Jubelle and @newmama2018 you are both being horribly abused. In the case of newmama, it's almost worse because you've been so worn down you don't even seem to recognise how awful your situation is. What worries me most though is what your children are seeing. I say this as someone who grew up with an abusive father. These things have a lasting impact, even if it's not physical scars that are left.

Jubelle, I see a few women like you here in rural Ireland where families turn a blind eye to all sorts of abuse because they're ashamed of their friends and neighbours finding out. It's so ridiculous that it's still going on in 2018.
Please go along to your nearest Citizens Information and start to find out about how to leave this awful man and the relationship that is keeping you his virtual slave. In the longer term, you will be much happier.

You know the answer to this.
He needs a rocket up his arse but i would bet he could never change.

Personally, i would leave and what he would have to pay you in child support is probably more than he pays now.

He sounds horrible and selfish and yes that is very controlling behaviour and financial abuse. What kind of person would put their spouse in a position to have to scrounge around for change for milk when they have plenty of extra money.

This thread makes me sad and angry.

I’m sad for the abused, angry at the men but also angry at the women for not seeing it. I’m. It saying it’s easy to extricate oneself from a situation but at least see it fit what it is.

I read a few choice posts from @newmama2018 to my husband and he was absolutely horrified.

You don’t ‘pay a price’ for working part-time and looking after children at home. You are a family, money coming into that family is joint and you should have equal access to it. That’s the end. You may have differing banking arrangements, maybe agree to have transfers to your own account rather than a joint account but the outcome should be the same.

I’m currently on Mat Leave from my PT job. Our household monthly disposable income (after all bills and food) has gone from about £1500 to £400. When it was £1500 we put some away and split the surplus equally so we’d have £500 ish each to piss away. Now we get £200 ish each.

His family too, his child too, he cannot see how any partner would want their partner to be disadvantaged in the way described on this thread.

The vile vile men. Please don’t allow them this power. Do all you can to make a break from them. Do you want your children to grow up and end up in a similar situation? I’ll bet the answer is no.

That’s terrible

Silver lining Jubelle - you’ve seen the light. File next week.

NewMamma - at the risk of offending others, are you O/S or recently moved to U.K. or of an orthodox faith - because I’m really struggling to understand how you are ok about your situation. You don’t appreciate how vulnerable you are.

I truly can cannot get my head around the concept that someone can see their own wife and child going without basic things whilst they spend money on frivolities like lads' holidays. Where is the love and respect in that situation?

Before we had children I earned 30% more than DH so I paid 30% more of the bills. Then I became a SAHM and DH's income was then "family income". DH's contribution to family life was working to provide that income whist I did the lions' share of chidlcare and hosework (though not by any means all of it) and now I work part time and put my income in the family pot. Once the mortgage, bills and food shopping are paid, any leftover money is jointly spent or saved for the benefit of all of us because we are a team and all support each other.

We live in newquay. I'm originally from Baltimore but moved here with my dad when I started school. My family is supportive and I haven't had any concerns from my RLF and they see us every day.

I honestly don't know why it's a problem. Things are slowly improving in our relationship because we are recognising problems and adjusting when need be. My OH is an only child and has never had to share before. He's never cruel, always home in a night and rarely sees his friends. He's entitled to time out to relax. I'm sure if we needed a family holiday that would be something we could discuss. We live near an abundance of beach, forest and natural play areas. Why pay a fortune in school holidays for less of a fun time?

As far as you all think I'm deluded I'm just sticking up for the side that says work at a relationship and don't just throw the towel in because there's been a lack of communication maybe. We don't know the situation here. Maybe he has no idea the stress being caused. Maybe just a sit down conversation about setting a financial budget would help. Saying LTB is very easy for strangers but in that situation it could be a lot different.

This thread is so depressing. OP and newmama your situations are not healthy. You are being abused. It's horrible to see.

Newmama - you had to borrow money to feed your family whilst your husband has hundreds of pounds to himself each month.

You are utterly deluded if you can’t see the abuse there.

Thankfully pretty much everyone else can see it so views like yours are very much the minority.

newmama I assume your friends don't know the one and outs of your financial situation. If they do and they think it's fine then they're NOT your friends.

If you were my friend id be gently explaining to you that you were being abused and id be strongly encouraging you to leave your relationship and see a very good solicitor. As would any good friend.

You're not recognising the main problem. Your husband is a selfish arsehole and you and your child are being financially abused. This man has does not give a shit about you. My dp would give me or our son his last penny. And id do the same for him. Your husband willingly watches you struggle. That ain't love.