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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this financial abuse?

106 replies

Jubelle · 07/04/2018 09:19

I am a sahm but I also run a business part time business from home but turnover is very small. My husband earns a pretty good salary and pays the mortgage, half of car loan and contributes 50 euro(Ireland) a week towards food max. I pay all the bills, buy the rest of the day food and get everything for the kids( ages 4 & 2). I have no access to his account as tbh he is like a jailer with money. If I don't have enough money to meet bills such as the car loan he has a piece of paper in his wallet that he writes ' money I owe' down on and every evening when he comes home from work asks if I have money for him even though tbh some weeks my business is very quiet and I may earn nothing. He also needs to see shopping receipts before he parts with 50 Euro for food. He does not want to know about a joint account. The last 3 months have been the worst I have absolutely no money, had to search through pockets for change yesterday to buy a carton of milk.He has at least 800- 1000 euro left per month disposible income, I don't know his exact take home pay whereas I have no one penny, haven't been to hairdresser in months. He spends his money on alcohol maybe 3 nights a week always has money to place a bet and is planning a trip to the US later on this year. He also does absolutely nothing around the house, never once has got up at night with my youngest child and the house is falling into disrepair but he doesn't want to know about it and refused to spend any money on t, won't even cut the grass, neighbour comes along and does it if I don't get chance . So fed up and tbh think I'll file for separation next week.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 07/04/2018 09:41

Why would you want to stay married to a man who is happy to see himself materially/financially better off than you, who he is supposed to love? What would happen if you became ill and unable to work? Would he see you live in poverty while he went on holiday and sat drinking wine?

geekone · 07/04/2018 09:42

Jubelle and newmama2018 what I would write about your 'D'Hs would get removed from MN. OP you are at least a step ahead. Yes LTB you will find he has to contribute a lot more then and you and your DC deserve better. New mum please read your post what's happening to you isn't normal. My DH is very careful with money but all our money goes together and he just sucks it up when I spend more than he would and he would never deny our DS anything that is the most worrying part of both your posts.

Avasarala · 07/04/2018 09:43

@newmama2018

What about the free childcare he is getting by you staying at home with your son?

That is not a normal set up. You have a child. Your lives are joint. But he gets a lot more fun than you because he won't share his money. And you're left struggling, trying to ciphon off a few pounds at a time so he won't notice, relying on birthday money from family.... and you think that's ok?.

If you worked full time, more childcare would be needed. And your husband would need to pay towards it. So, you're saving him money. Why aren't you sharing his?

Open your eyes. Your poor son isn't getting a holiday but his father goes away twice? And, again, you stay home and look after the kid.

I wish women would stop accepting this. It's a family life, it's family money.

Atticusss · 07/04/2018 09:45

And newmama I'm afraid you are in no position to give advice here. Sad

Cambionome · 07/04/2018 09:45

Wake up and smell the coffee newmama2018 - you are also being financially abused.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/04/2018 09:48

OP you need legal advice about where you stand in your country.

Newmama is he paying you to look after the children on your non working days? Otherwise you are subsidising his income. Yours is not a fair set up.

Beamur · 07/04/2018 09:55

I went back to work part time after having children. My DH and I have a joint bank account and equal access to all money in it. Why should I (and you new mama) have to do without financially when working part time is for the good of our family? I am taking a hit on my pension and my career in order to balance work and home. Maybe my DH gets this better than most men because he was married before and as his ex wife was a high earner, while their kids were little he worked part time and was the primary carer.

Gloryificus · 07/04/2018 10:03

Op your husband is living like a lodger in the family home only paying minimum amount towards own food aswell as mortgage and half a car loan.
What about the other joint family expenses?
Money should be pooled and no single individual should gain financially by depriving others.
He is financially abusing his entire family cheating his children out of a family income!

As for keeping a list of what you owe him ha that's disgraceful, does he get billed the cost of childcare while he works??
I don't think his attitude will change but you could insist on pooling finances as you can no longer afford the current set up.

newmama2018 · 07/04/2018 10:04

Ok. We actually discussed with people the fairest way to financially split the household and it was decided that we should open a joint account and each pay in the same amount to cover half the household costs.

I wouldn't thank you for a holiday with him because airports stress him out, our son being too hot, being too loud, being too energetic when OH wants to relax causes him stress. I think when he's older and can relax on holiday too will be a better time. Plus my in-laws have pointed out that he needs time with his friends and it's not like he goes out every night drinking like some people do. I can only go away school holidays anyway and that's expensive. As OH can take holiday whenever he wants it makes it cheaper for him and would be too expensive for us all to go.

I am happy with the situation now. It used to be a lot worse and we have worked hard to get this far. When I didn't work at all I had to borrow money to buy the shopping and it was very stressful. At least now I feel more equal and like I'm contributing and can save up my own money. I love my family and I think jumping into a separation or leaving someone without exhausting all options is a bit rash. There was a reason we fell in love and that reason hasn't gone.

OP if you have the means to leave and you feel it is the only option for you then leave the situation. It's not necessarily going to make it any easier on you or your children. Make sure you have a secure plan first including somewhere for the three of you to live and the means to take care of yourselves.

RJnomore1 · 07/04/2018 10:04

Boot him out. Get a lodger. You'll be so much better off than now.

Ok I know that's flippant but honestly even if you are happy with this situation yourself how on earth can you not get angry for your kids? It's not normal. It's not right.

caffeinefreebutsadaboutit · 07/04/2018 10:05

To give some perspective @newmama2018 I haven't worked in a few years as I'm studying full time. My kids are school age, so I'm with them at home from after school onwards. My dh works full time.

I have access to all bank accounts, all assets are in joint names. I have a credit card. We are going on holiday soon, all of us. My husband would never go on holidays without us. We're a family. That's the way it should be.

Your husband is abusing you and your family are wrong. You shouldn't be penny pinching and asking for gift cards. It sounds like he's not even paying for clothes for your son?

I hope you find the strength to leave.

specialsubject · 07/04/2018 10:07

All kinds of abuse and no kind of marriage. You are a housekeeper with sexual services and breeding duties. What do you get out of this?

Dump him. That is no way to live.

caffeinefreebutsadaboutit · 07/04/2018 10:07

@newmama2018 your update is even worse. He doesn't sound like he's even a hands on dad. Frustrated with his own child?

Your in laws are just as bad. He does not need holidays with his friends. What an absolute load of rubbish.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 07/04/2018 10:07

This is financial abuse. OP you know you must LTB.

@newmama2018 your set up is not fair at all! I earn 3x what my DH earns. We split the basic mortgage payment & bills 50-50 but I pay for all our joint holidays, car, and building works / decorating - and I also overpay the mortgage every year by a significant amount so we will pay it off earlier. Then once I've done that I will spend a bit of money on myself. I take it for granted that I will need to sort the family finances first, I feel a responsibility to do it and it makes me happy to provide that security for DH and our kids.
My DH has equal spending money for himself and we both are able to make decent pension contributions.

Avasarala · 07/04/2018 10:09

The fairest way is to put all money into joint account. Take our what's needed for bills. Take out what's needed for your savings. Split the rest equally.

That's how every single couple in my family do it, every couple I know as friends, and everyone I work with who is in a couple. I literally do not know anyone who lives like you do.... other than here on mumsnet.

It's mad. And they've got you thinking that it's a great thing. I despair for women and men like you who just accept their shit lot in life and try to dress it up as a positive.

I earned more than my ex; all our money was joint. I'm a woman. It works both ways.

tenterden · 07/04/2018 10:11

Oh dear! yes you are being financially abused.

I don't know anything about family law in Ireland but I wouldn't stay in a relationship like this. Flowers

mummyof2boys30 · 07/04/2018 10:12

I work 10 hrs so low income. Im in charge of our finances and have access to every penny in our accounts. We both are sensible with our money but my OH would never question my spending unless its a general can we afford it question

Lostin3dspace · 07/04/2018 10:15

Op, and newmama, I was a victim of financial abuse, but my case was not as extreme as yours. I had my own full time professional wage, and still managed to fall victim to it.
Newmama particularly, - I give my teenage children more pocket money per month than your husband gives you. They sometimes squander it on worthless tat, but I still don't ask for bloody receipts. On top of that I pay for their clothes, haircuts, hobbies etc. Of course, being teens they do next to naff all around the house.

Now do you see it as abuse?

newmama2018 · 07/04/2018 10:17

@caffeinefreebutsadaboutit our son is four and very energetic. DH likes to have a relax on holiday and not be running around like crazy. Other people's kids annoy him too which is why he's going away with his friends so they can hang out with adults. Honestly he's a nightmare on holiday and I'd rather go away myself! I'm planning a good two weeks of trips to the beach and walks in the woods with scavenger hunts and crafts for the holidays when summer starts. That's much more enjoyable.

Different people have different lives. My husband loves me and our son. He isn't as hands on as he wants to be but that's because our son is still too young and needs me for things my husband can't do. It doesn't mean he doesn't love us any less. We are happy in our life.

ChasedByBees · 07/04/2018 10:18

@newmama18 he is effectively getting your labour free (and benefitting him as you care for yours and his child) and his labour benefits him only. This isn’t fair. The in laws may say he needs time with his friends but so do you and you deserve that too. You are contributing equally to the household but not benefitting equally.

SoyDora · 07/04/2018 10:19

He isn't as hands on as he wants to be but that's because our son is still too young and needs me for things my husband can't do

What does a 4 year old need that a father can’t provide? Mine are 4 and 2.5 and DH is as good a parent as I am.

troodiedoo · 07/04/2018 10:20

I've read a lot of sad threads and posts on here but this stands out. I'm livid.

It's no way to live OP and @newmama2018

Hope you both improve your situation.

newmama2018 · 07/04/2018 10:21

@SoyDora well for starters my son is breastfed so my husband can't do bedtimes or nightfeeds because he physically doesn't have the equipment.

SoyDora · 07/04/2018 10:24

Ok, I’ll accept that one. What else?

SoyDora · 07/04/2018 10:25

You’d husband thinks you deserve a lesser quality of life than him because you earn less than him. Do you think that’s ok?

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