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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my son would be kinder to my daughter

85 replies

Disabrie22 · 07/04/2018 00:13

DS aged 7 3/4 and DD aged 5 - he’s just so mean to her all the time. Won’t play with her in the park or in any days out like trampoline parks. He puts her down and moans she gets him into trouble. Nothing we say seems to change the way he treats her. He is punished when mean - stern words, Room time, no tech.
What would you do?

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 07/04/2018 00:18

Why does he have to play with her? he isn't a toy or an alternative childminder.

and what do you mean by saying he puts her down and she gets him in to trouble? is this related to him not playing with her? or her saying that he has said things about her?

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/04/2018 00:18

The more that you try to force the relationship the more likely you are to force them apart.

Deshasafraisy · 07/04/2018 00:22

Have you tried playing with them both together to try and encourage a bond so he sees her as fun?

DPotter · 07/04/2018 00:23

So there's nearly 4 yrs difference between your 2.

There are 4 yrs between my sister and I. My Mum used to try and get us to play together and it was hell for the both of us. She also tried to dress us exactly (and I mean exactly the same) until I was 12 - I still shudder at the memory of it.

A 4 year age gap is very big and if their personalities aren't in sync either, you're just making things unpleasant for everyone. Please don't force them to play together - it won't make them closer as siblings either now or for the future.

Obviously - if they are goading each other, that is a discipline thing. Oh and please don't fall into the trap of believing everything the younger one says..........

WeirdyMcBeardy · 07/04/2018 00:26

We have a similar issue. DS seems to resent DDs existence sometimes. We don't force it at all and don't make him play with her. I will pull him up on unpleasantness or rudeness to her. Unfortunately he thinks we favour her, we really really don't. He has been told off more because they ahve very different personalities. I have noticed though it doesn't seem quite so bad as they are getting older (DS is 10 and DD is 7). They do play together at times, at home, and he seems to not be quite so resentful. We have talked to him about it and how it's not nice to treat a family member like this and would he honestly prefer it if she wasn't here as that's how it comes across. He admitted he wouldn't like that.

I honestly think it's normal sibling stuff. Don't force it. Chat to him about how unkind it is and make him think but the more you force it, the more he will resent her. Try to have some one to one time with your DS too. I know my DS likes our chats, just the 2 of us, and he also likes to feel a bit grown up, so he gets to watch older films and stay up sometimes and I talk to him in am equal way sometimes about stuff which he likes.

My aunt was awful to her son and adored her DD. She made him share everytninf even though she destroyed it and he was really careful. They are adults now and he HATES his sister and won't have anything do to with her even though it's the mum that created the situation.

WeirdyMcBeardy · 07/04/2018 00:28

DPotter the difference between a 5 year old and a 7 year old is not 4 years. Sometimes I wonder if posters even bother to read the OP.

Fruitcorner123 · 07/04/2018 00:32

So there's nearly 4 yrs difference between your 2.

No there's less than 3. Sympathise OP mine are similar ages and fight a lot. They play together well sometimes though. I agree that creating opportunities to play together is important. Board games, 2 player console times, sports outdoors are good examples.

One thing that might console a bit though... my mum recently told my DH that me and my brother were very close and never fought. My Dbro agreed. That's honestly how they remember it. I'm the oldest and quite sensitive and i feel like we were always fighting. Interesting that there is more than one perspective

Blackbirdblue30 · 07/04/2018 00:34

Please don't favour the younger just because she's littler. Doesn't do anyone's relationship any favours!

DPotter · 07/04/2018 00:34

Well it's half past midnight where I am, so hopefully that explains it. Still nearly 3 yrs is still a lot and |I still maintain it's a fruitless exercise to push siblings to play together if they don't want to

mrsplum2015 · 07/04/2018 00:41

I agree you have to set your expectations low. While unkindness or rudeness should be challenged you can't make siblings play together.

It sounds like you are creating a really bad situation where your son is always in trouble and he is now playing up to this expectation.

Stirner · 07/04/2018 00:52

It sounds like every (forced) interaction he has with her ends in him being punished. I can imagine why he's not keen!

AjasLipstick · 07/04/2018 01:00

My DDs are nearly 3 years apart and the oldest has never wanted to play with the youngest. I don't push it at all. I make sure they have alternatives when we go out and something to enterain both of them.

My youngest has a friend with three siblings and she is always told "Don't leave your sister out!" when my DD goes there to play....well DD and her mate are ten! They don't want to play with a 5 year old.

It's really blind to make them play together and DD never wants to go there now....it's because she's just treated like a babysitter with her friend.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 07/04/2018 01:02

I agree with most, you can’t force it. They’ll play together if they want to.

The age gap isn’t large or even on the lager side of average - it’s totally average. As is the behaviour I’m afraid.

I have 9 year old twins and a 6 year old - interestingly, one twin is much more content alone so his twin plays with their little brother. He doesn’t ever play with DS3 and like yours seems to want to wind him up constantly. I just keep them apart and come down sharply on nastiness.

bridgetreilly · 07/04/2018 01:11

They don't have to play together. They do have to be kind, polite, share, take turns etc. Talk to your son. Establish clear expectations for his behaviour and the consequences if he crosses the boundaries. Maybe focus on one specific thing at a time.

Also, check what he's watching/reading etc. If it's modelling bad behaviour, then change it.

DayKay · 07/04/2018 01:16

Don’t force them to play together but do make it clear that meanness won’t be tolerated.
Respect their differences and ensure they respect each other’s.
I think punishing your ds for being mean will make him resent her more.
Have the ‘if you can’t say something nice then don’t say anything’ rule and get them to keep away from each other if looks like they’re not getting on. Just separate them but without making it seem like a punishment.

converseandjeans · 07/04/2018 01:20

My brother was nasty to me as a child. My parents rarely if ever intervened. Now I have my own kids I am baffled as to how they thought this was ok - to not challenge him. He used to hit me, say nasty things, exclude me, make fun of me in front of his mates.
The result is that he is rather selfish as a grown up.
Please do your best to intervene - it's up to the parents to do this even if it is challenging.

Original poster
Disabrie22 · 07/04/2018 02:23

Thanks for the advice - the problem is they aren’t forced to play together unless we are away as a family - I get the age difference as have two older siblings. It’s the constant meanness that drives me crazy - if they are out with friends he’ll encourage them to run away from her for example until
She cries. She will stand up
For herself and that is punished if it’s physical or name calling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Disabrie22 · 07/04/2018 02:25

Btw I think the comments about him being the babysitter is perhaps a misunderstanding of the situation. He never has to look after her or watch her or facilitate her games - and he would point blank refuse if asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Disabrie22 · 07/04/2018 02:26

Why would I make my 7 year old care for my 5 year old? Fat chance!!

OP posts:
Laserbird16 · 07/04/2018 02:27

I had a similar experience to converse. My older brother frequently hit me, teased me, stole my stuff and was generally unpleasant. My parents didn't intervene. I'm terrified if I have a second child it will be the same but I think don't allow behaviour you wouldn't allow to any other child and don't force them to play with each other. Focus on positive family rituals and hopefully it all come good - fingers crossed.

Original poster
Disabrie22 · 07/04/2018 02:59

I think you are all right - thanks for the advice - will just let attempts at bringing them together go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Disabrie22 · 07/04/2018 03:55

Laserbird - I had the same experience with my older brother - probably why I worry about this.

OP posts:
5plusMeAndHim · 07/04/2018 04:26

He says she gets him in trouble?
You need to keep an eye on that.
When they are playing in the garden I often see next door's youngest aged 4 manipulate her 2 elder siblings by making up stuff they have done and telling or threatening to tell their mum.she can cry on demand too.i feel sorry for the older 2 because they are cc always in trouble for being mean , when they in fact are the ones being bullied.

Coyoacan · 07/04/2018 04:41

I had the same experience with my older brother - probably why I worry about this

So you naturally want to protect the little sister and she does get him into trouble. Maybe if you were tell them both off for fighting instead of just him they would feel more sympathy for each other. That worked for me when my dd was 8 and didn't get on with another child who was staying with her.

RedDwarves · 07/04/2018 05:10

I do wonder whether his behaviour has a basis in reality which you're perhaps just not insightful to/aware of. Is it possible that you're disproportionately punishing him, or allowing her to get away with behaviour for which he'd be punished "because she's little", or not spending enough one-on-one time with him compared to what you spend with her?

It's very unlikely that there's no reason for his resentment towards her. The age gap alone is unlikely to be a contributing factor, as it's not big enough for the jealousy/resentment to have existed from day one.

I have a sister who's younger than me by almost 7 years. We are very close now, but I resented her immensely as a child because I perceived our treatment by our parents to be completely different. She got away with countless more things than I ever would've. She was rewarded with, or bribed with, treats to eat her dinner, whereas I was never afforded the same leniency, I was always harped on for being "mean" by not wanting to play with her, but what 10 year old wants to play Barbies with a 3 year old? If I had articulated this to my parents at the time, they would've denied they treated her any differently, but I perceived it at the time and still do believe that they treated her differently.

It's not unreasonable to expect him to be kind and respectful towards her, but I'd be examining what is behind his resentment before getting on his case about it.

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