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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish my son would be kinder to my daughter

85 replies

Disabrie22 · 07/04/2018 00:13

DS aged 7 3/4 and DD aged 5 - he’s just so mean to her all the time. Won’t play with her in the park or in any days out like trampoline parks. He puts her down and moans she gets him into trouble. Nothing we say seems to change the way he treats her. He is punished when mean - stern words, Room time, no tech.
What would you do?

OP posts:

theymademejoin · 07/04/2018 22:13

I had the same with my older two. Ds was horrible to dd. We always pulled him up on it and he used to claim we favoured her. We didn't but his behaviour was such that we gave out to him a lot more. Dd and ds2 always got on brilliantly so the contrast was more extreme.

They're now 20 and nearly 18 and get on pretty well. I don't know if they'll ever be best friends but I'm definitely much happier with their relationship now.

Pull him up on nasty behaviour. Try and get them to play cards, board games etc with you and /or their dad but don't force it. I found family activities like that were the only way they would play together. Try and spend some one on one time work him. Ds was a pleasure on his own and I sometimes needed to be reminded of that as when the two of them were with me I spent a lot of time giving out.

The one good thing is dd is tough as nails and well able to stand up for herself as a result of their relationship.

blackteasplease · 07/04/2018 22:19

This is interesting. I do make mine play together and there is a big age gap - 5 years. I think they both learn from it and they are bored if they don't. They play separately too of course.

With mine it's the little one more often being unkind to the big one. And he does get consequences for that too. But there's also the natural consequence that she won't play with him any more if he doesn't play nicely - and of course I don't make her play with him if he doesn't play nicely.

Turnocks34 · 07/04/2018 22:20

This is exactly like my brother and I, except I was the older sibling who just despised him. I just remember he was seen as this really kind, lovely child and if said anything at all to him, he cried, and then I was bollocked for being mean when ‘I should know better’ and ‘I was a big girl’. I actually think I once (rather dramtically) tried to use Catherine Cookson book to cast a spell and reverse time so he wasn’t ever born - the simple mind of an 8 year old.

I went to uni when he was 13, and when I came back, he was 21. I love him to bits now, we’re actually really good mates.

Badhairday1001 · 07/04/2018 23:23

BoneyBackJefferson I agree, I personally think they are both equally annoying and don't take sides. Both to be fair get on much better now and even stick up for each other when I'm moaning at them for not doing their homework/tidying their rooms. I can see it from both sides having been the older one that gets blamed for everything and also now feeling slightly guilty about bring so horrible to my own sister.
I honestly think it's just sibling dynamics. I think accepting them all as individuals and loving them for their strengths and weaknesses is the way to go.

5plusMeAndHim · 08/04/2018 05:44

It can be really tedious having to play with a much younger child.he is not a babysitter!

ittakes2 · 08/04/2018 06:00

I have boy/girl twins - they very rarely play together as they have very different interests - sorry I think yabu.

Believeitornot · 08/04/2018 07:59

Why make siblings play together? That’s unfair. Just help them get on.

UmmKultum · 08/04/2018 08:41

There's some good advice here.

One thing which worked for me (although not sure it was the right thing to do) was not to take sides when they were squabbling. I'd tell them to speak to each other politely and resolve the issue and come and tell me what the solution was. I'd help them communicate but not actually decide. And if they didnt, they'd both get punished- and what would usually happen is that they'd become united in their outrage and need to face the common enemy (me!) 😂

Bekabeech · 08/04/2018 08:45

I was always quite strict that we aren't mean to other members of the family. So if DS had got his friends to "run away" from his little sister then he'd have found play dates stopped for a while and would have known why. BUT I also would have had special activities for her, so he only had to "be nice" to her for a short while, before she was busy with something else.
My oldest two are pretty much the same age gap, are not close-close but were often each others "friend of last resort", and are still "sibling close".

I really don't understand these posters being shocked that anyone would hope a 5 year old and a 7 3/4 would play together - that's very normal.

Do your DC ever play with groups of mixed age children? Mine did and the friendships were often widely across age groups, it also taught them to get on better as other siblings did.

Is it the age thing or does he just think boys don't play with girls?

PhyllisWig · 08/04/2018 10:49

Same gap between me and my lovely db.

My mum never forced us and in fact made us respect each other's boundaries. I was desperate to play with him sometimes but to him I was a bit rubbish. My parents let him not play with me but helped me find my own thing to do.

He was horrid to me in the way big brothers can be but only once was it nasty (my girls world was never the same again) for which he was roundly punished.

We naturally found common ground though at all ages - he'd take me swimming, we'd make up stuff at bed time, we'd keep each other company on family days out or events.

I have same sex twins which can be a fairly intense experience sibling management wise as they either love or hate each other. I try to copy my mum by letting them be and only interfering when blood comes.

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