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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish my son would be kinder to my daughter

85 replies

Disabrie22 · 07/04/2018 00:13

DS aged 7 3/4 and DD aged 5 - he’s just so mean to her all the time. Won’t play with her in the park or in any days out like trampoline parks. He puts her down and moans she gets him into trouble. Nothing we say seems to change the way he treats her. He is punished when mean - stern words, Room time, no tech.
What would you do?

OP posts:

Spaghettijumper · 07/04/2018 08:21

Bertrand - I agree about the (sort of) anti parent gang thing. I tell my two that rather than trying to get each other into trouble they should be trying to help each other get away with things! (While looking out for each other's safety of course!). Siblings naturally compete for their parents' attention - my aim is to show that they can also get loving attention from each other and that they're allies rather than enemies. It does work.

Love51 · 07/04/2018 08:21

In your shoes I'd go back to the basics of behaviour management - praise the behaviour you want to see. It might take some looking for in the first instance, but set yourself a challenge - praise DS 5 times a day for his interactions with DD (as you are writing this I assume you are the main carer, if it's their dad, he can do it! -the other parent should get on board as well). You want to see him being kind and tolerant? Every time she does something irritating and he doesn't react badly, praise him! If he shares, let's her join in, praise him! If you're struggling, lower your expectations, praise him for passing her the scissors if that's all you've got to work with.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2018 08:23

Spagetti-I still remember the day my dd said "we" and I realised she meant her and her brother, not her and me......

NewYearNewMe18 · 07/04/2018 08:25

Personalities come into play , OP - my eldest two detested each other, even now they ae in their 20's there is only a certain level of tolerance. ! and 3 rub along ok, but 2 and 3 don't get along either. All are very strong, individual personalities

Spaghettijumper · 07/04/2018 08:28

:) I want to very firmly plant the seed that they are there for each other, even if they don't always get along. If nothing else, a loving sibling will be honest and hard-line with you, they won't sugar coat things, and that is an extremely valuable thing to have in life. I might not be able to tell DS he smells a bit sweaty for example, but DD certainly can, and does! She also said the other day that he smelled gorgeous

Bitlost · 07/04/2018 08:40

Teach your daughter to be strong and stand on her own two feet.

NameyMcChangeRae · 07/04/2018 08:44

It’s so interesting that most of these examples are an older DS and younger DD.
I am 3 years older than My brother, and we got on like a house on fire! He’s still one of my best friends, I love him to bits.

Perhaps we put different expectations on girls/boys unconsciously? I.e reward girls for being ‘kind’ and including, more than boys?

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2018 08:44

"Teach your daughter to be strong and stand on her own two feet."

Yes. But more importantly, teach your son to be considerate, empathetic and kind. That's the sort of men we want more of in the world

diddl · 07/04/2018 08:59

" Won’t play with her in the park or in any days out like trampoline parks."

I think that that's fine tbh.

" moans she gets him into trouble. "

In what ways? If it's mainly for stuff like the above then I'm not surprised he would put her down & feel resentful.

Do they have their own spaces to go to where the oyher one mustn't disturb them?

Stirner · 07/04/2018 09:27

@BertrandRussell "Yes. But more importantly, teach your son to be considerate, empathetic and kind. That's the sort of men we want more of in the world"

Why ? The world stamps on men like that.

Believeitornot · 07/04/2018 09:44

@Stirner no it doesnt. Empathy means appreciating and understanding other people. Why on earth wouldn’t we want more of that

converseandjeans · 07/04/2018 09:57

Amazed at how many are assuming DD must be to blame & that DS must be being stitched up.
I think one of our problems was my DM rarely took us out anywhere so DB was probably bored and it was his entertainment to torment me.
I do find mine get on better when we're out doing stuff.

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/04/2018 11:09

converseandjeans

I don't think that the DD is to blame or that she is "stitching up" her DB, I am more concerned about learnt behaviours and the issues that it will cause.

From the OPs brief posts it seems to me that they have settled in to a relationship which is built on the OP protecting the DD from her mean brother.

The OP IMO needs to find a more balanced way of parenting that encourages a better relationship between the two children.

Witchend · 07/04/2018 11:35

It's things like her saying the Ds is in trouble for running away from the DD when he has friends, that are making people query it.
If mine have friends then I expect the others to leave them alone unless they are invited to join.
I found when I acknowledged this that it actually resulted in more playing together not less.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 07/04/2018 11:58

2.5 years seems like a massive age gap when you're that young.

I agree that you need to stop her from tagging along too much when he has his friends around. Encourage her to have her own friends.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/04/2018 12:09

I think the OP does have to think about whether or not her DD is always the victim, or whether she is also an agent provocateur.

My DS2 is naturally more physical than DS1, and DS1 would quite often come to me and say "DS2 hit me!" but if I'd been observing them, I would know (because I'd seen it) that DS1 had in fact been provoking DS2 until he lost it and finally hit him. DS1 being 5y older than DS2, you'd think he'd have more sense, but apparently not!

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 07/04/2018 12:20

He has four good friends all with little sisters the same age and we spend a lot of time together

This jumped out at me. Is there any escape from each other? Allowing free time apart may be helpful.

Coyoacan · 07/04/2018 14:22

In almost every opposite sex sibling relationship I have seen (and that is literally dozens as my kids have been right through school, college and uni and have lots of cousins) the ones that are close and had harmonic childhood relationships were almost always girl first followed by boy

Well I was the exception then. My brother is four years older than me and he was so kind to me. Mind you I didn't get to trail around after him and nobody forced him to include me in anything.

Blackbirdblue30 · 07/04/2018 14:33

My younger sister could cry on demand and enjoyed manipulating a situation. She would pretend that I'd hit her or been mean in some way, fake cry, and our mother would lambast me. It still happens in different ways 30 year or so later and sometimes I feel like she is my sister's mother, not mine.

NutElla5x · 07/04/2018 14:38

He is punished when mean I hope you're not punishing him just for not playing with his sister? You chose to have her,he didn't.In an ideal world our kids would play together nicely,be kind to eachother at all times and be the best buddies,but it doesn't always work out like that I'm afraid.Reading between the lines your son thinks his sister's a bit of a pest (which she well could be ) but as long as he's not physically hurting her there's not a lot you can do really.

mathanxiety · 07/04/2018 20:10

I disagree there, NutElla.

Verbal attacks, sarcasm, name-calling, body language (facial expressions showing fury, flashes of contempt, etc) all need to be addressed. They are all equally expressions of hostility and aggression, and in many ways they are even more indicative of problems than physical altercations.

They indicate underlying problems in expressing themselves, entrenched positions, and the need for parents to intervene to reset whatever narrative they are operating with and teach new and better ways to communicate.

OohMavis · 07/04/2018 20:24

Mine are the same age near enough, DD is 4.5 and DS is 7.5.

DD adores DS but the feeling is NOT mutual - I get it, I found my little brother the most annoying person on the planet when we were growing up, unless there was a way to torment him. I was a right bully we get on great now, I promise.

It's still not nice to see as a parent though. When it comes down to it, he does love her. I know if DD ever gets hurt, DS is the first one there giving her a cuddle, so I'm not too worried.

Taffeta · 07/04/2018 20:25

I think it is a different dynamic when there’s an elder DD and younger DS, generally. ( as some of those posting on this thread).

OP - I have an elder DS like you, with 2.9 months age gap with younger DD. They are now 14 & 11 and have never really played together much. Occasionally they do, but the norm is bickering and time spent apart.

Badhairday1001 · 07/04/2018 20:39

I have 3, two older boys and the youngest is a girl. Both boys have always fallen out and even though one is now 17 and the other 12 they still fight any chance they get. The oldest one is grumpy and mean to the younger one but is much better than he used to be and is becoming more tolerant, the younger one loves to wind him up. Both boys are lovely and kind to their little sister who is 7 and they get on with her like a house on fire. I think personality dictates the relationship, they are all happy, likeable and sociable kids on their own but are also very different in many ways.
If it's any consolation I am the eldest and used to be really mean to my little sister. We now get on well and I love her to bits. Often living together as siblings is just too close for comfort and the parents just need to ride the storm.

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/04/2018 21:32

Badhairday1001

The oldest one is grumpy and mean to the younger one but is much better than he used to be and is becoming more tolerant, the younger one loves to wind him up.

This could be a 'which came first the chicken or the egg'.

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