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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with my sisters attitude?

78 replies

ZebraSkins · 06/04/2018 10:04

Hello. I'm new please be nice!
I was in a relationship the whole time I was in Uni. After uni we drifted and split. He moved to other side of the country and we stayed loosely in touch. We have mutual friends so I've seen him about once or twice a year since.

Just before Christmas we were on a uni reunion night out and we slept together. We were texting everyday over the Christmas and agreed to meet up in the new year. Then on New Year's Day I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant with my exs baby. I told him and since then we've been together. I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant and he's attended every scan with me and midwife appointments. He still lives two hours away but is making plans to move here to be with me and the baby.

I told my sister this and she told me I'm stupid and it will never work. She told me I'm unrelatistic and he won't want me after the baby is born.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 06/04/2018 10:05

Sorry, I can't work this out. Are there two men - the ex who's the father of the baby and the new guy?

Zcarter · 06/04/2018 10:08

Dose your ex know your pregnant? Surely he has the right to know he has a baby on the way rarther then play happy family’s with about her man xx

Original poster

ZebraSkins · 06/04/2018 10:09

Yes my ex isn't interested in me or the baby which is fine by me. My new boyfriend is my ex from uni days

OP posts:

loveulotslikejellytots · 06/04/2018 10:09

I think maybe she was trying to warn you in a way that things don't always work out? But she could have been nicer if she said it that bluntly. Maybe she is worried you are going to be let down or disappointed? But she didn't need to be so harsh.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 06/04/2018 10:09

I think you sister should butt out, OP. She's entitled to think what she wants, but not to voice it to you. It's probably not how you planned to have your first child but it sounds like you and the father are both being supportive of one another. It may work out, it may not, but it's absolutely nothing to do with your sister. Best of luck, OP. Congratulations.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 06/04/2018 10:12

Ah, misunderstood - thought the BF was the father. Advice still stands though.

MsGameandWatching · 06/04/2018 10:12

I know of similar situations where it has worked out fine. Well in fact. It's not impossible.

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 06/04/2018 10:13

I'm not sure why she thinks a pregnant woman is so appealing that he'd stick around now but not when the babies born! That said, babies can put a strain on any relationship, so you'll just have to wait and see. Is your sister concerned you're being naiveabout the future? Did she have any constructive ideas?

letsdolunch321 · 06/04/2018 10:13

Congratulations. Take it all day at a time.

Msybe your sister is jealous!!!

Rachie1973 · 06/04/2018 10:15

I think your sister is understandably concerned about you and the baby.

She was blunt, but honest.

KC225 · 06/04/2018 10:15

Would you be together if you weren't pregnant? You would have probably taken it slower had you not been pregnant.

What do you want? You say he is making plans to move to you. Do you want him to move to you? He is perfectly able to be a good father and not be in a relationship with you.

Rachie1973 · 06/04/2018 10:17

ZebraSkins
Yes my ex isn't interested in me or the baby which is fine by me. My new boyfriend is my ex from uni days

Are you planning on putting him on birth cert? Could you have told your sister in a way that she thinks you are or something? Maybe she thinks you're not going to tell baby who dad is when older?

ScipioAfricanus · 06/04/2018 10:20

The old ex from uni is not the father of the baby (as OP was 7 weeks pregnant at new year and only slept with old ex at Christmas).

I’m not surprised your sister is a bit nonplussed by the old ex’s commitment but yes, it’s a shame she can’t keep that to herself. There’s no way to predict whether it will work out or not, really.

BlondeB83 · 06/04/2018 10:22

I have seen a situation like this work out very well, the relationship ended after a year or so but the non-biological Dad stepped up and is now definitely ‘Daddy’ to the little one.

I understand your sisters concerns but what do you have to lose? If it doesn’t work out, you go it alone.

JessicaJonesJacket · 06/04/2018 10:25

I think your DSIS is understandably concerned. A new baby puts pressure on a relationship without the added complications of him not being the baby's father and you already having failed to make a relationship work together. Plus your baby's dad may change his mind about his level of involvement once the baby is here. Take everything slowly.

bluebeck · 06/04/2018 10:29

So there are two ex's here.

Ex who is the father of the baby - have you actually told him you are pregnant?

And ex who is ex from Uni. EX from Uni knows the baby isn't his but is stepping in as surrogate dad?

I can understand why your sister is concerned but I hope it all works out for you.

DeathStare · 06/04/2018 10:32

I think the idea that your sister is jealous is just stupid. Clearly she is concerned for you and I can understand why.

The situation you are in is complicated. The fact that your baby's father now wants nothing to do with you and your baby doesn't mean that this won't change as your pregnancy develops or after your baby is born. It certainly may well change if he feels like another man is about to raise his baby.

Your relationship with your boyfriend is new. It's great that he wants to be around, but neither or you can really know right now how that is going to pan out once your baby is here.

I wish you well and hope it all works out in a way that makes you happy, but I can't blame your sister for being cautious. Neither you nor your sister know how it's going to work out right now or which one of you will turn out to be right. All you can do is give the relationship your best shot if that's what you want.

Personally, I'd have a chat with your sister and say you understand why she's concerned and you've taken that on board but you've decided to give the relationship a go and that you're going into that with your eyes wide open and would appreciate her support.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/04/2018 10:47

What does your sister think you are being unrealistic about?

Are you acting like you and uni-ex will be like a happily married couple of many years when he moves down? All instant perfect nuclear family?

What if it doesn't work out with uni-ex? Do you have plans for how you will manage as a single parent?

What will happen with your job and career? You haven't mentioned anything about money and work. These are big issues for all mothers, even more so for single parents like you.

What if the father tries to get out of paying child maintenance?

catinapoolofsunshine · 06/04/2018 10:49

It's none of your sister's business, but then you decided to tell her all the details...

It would have been more diplomatic just to say good luck, or something, but really it's pretty much inevitable that she's sceptical!

The idea she's jealous is loopy - it's not a situation anyone would be jealous of unless perhaps they were desperate to have a child under any circumstances.

It might work out, I'm sure it has for others in those circumstances, but it's a set up a lot of people would be sceptical about, especially as it could look as though you only settled for the uni ex to avoid being a single parent.

Juells · 06/04/2018 10:54

Jesus H Christ I can't make head or tail of this, it's like something from the JK show

kateandme · 06/04/2018 10:59

what if the father came back in the picture.and wanted a big part in his childs life.has this discussion been ha with new old bf.hes stepped up to father dutys now I presume but he will be pushed aside somewhat surely If birth dad realises he wants to be a dad.

TheCrystalChandelier · 06/04/2018 11:01

?I never understand the attitude on these threads. If a woman gets together with a man who finds out his ex is pregnant she is told to run for the hills. Yet if a woman gets together with a man and the woman finds out she’s pregnant by someone else people wish her all the luck in the world and hope he’ll stay with her?

TBH I think your sister was blunt but honest. But tbh I would tell any man who found out the woman he had only just slept with and got together with was pregnant by her ex who she’d only split from weeks ago (and was still sleeping with up to that point) to head for the hills and not look back.

I think the OP would be better placed to plan to be a single parent with plans for the baby’s father to be involved if he wants to be. I certainly don’t think that it’s appropriate for new man to be attending scans and planning to move to be with a woman he wouldn’t be with if she wasn’t pregnant and where the child isn’t even his.

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/04/2018 11:02

So your ex is the father and you will be pretending that the new bf is?

RatherBeRiding · 06/04/2018 11:07

Your sister was very blunt, and could certainly have been more tactful but I imagine she is, understandably, worried about you.

catinapoolofsunshine · 06/04/2018 11:08

Thechrystal people are hoping for her sake that it works out perhaps. If it were the man himself posting they might also tell him to run for the hills! I'm sure most o us would be as dubious and worried about our son getting into a serious relationship with a woman who was pregnant with someone else's baby as with our daughter getting into a serious relationship with a man who's ex was pregnant.

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