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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my sisters attitude?

78 replies

ZebraSkins · 06/04/2018 10:04

Hello. I'm new please be nice!
I was in a relationship the whole time I was in Uni. After uni we drifted and split. He moved to other side of the country and we stayed loosely in touch. We have mutual friends so I've seen him about once or twice a year since.

Just before Christmas we were on a uni reunion night out and we slept together. We were texting everyday over the Christmas and agreed to meet up in the new year. Then on New Year's Day I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant with my exs baby. I told him and since then we've been together. I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant and he's attended every scan with me and midwife appointments. He still lives two hours away but is making plans to move here to be with me and the baby.

I told my sister this and she told me I'm stupid and it will never work. She told me I'm unrelatistic and he won't want me after the baby is born.

OP posts:
paxillin · 06/04/2018 12:23

Msybe your sister is jealous!!! WTF, whose dream family starts with a new man and the last man's still unborn child?

paxillin · 06/04/2018 12:24

And @Dippingmytoesin is right, 7+14=20.

Anasnake · 06/04/2018 12:24

The maths is all wrong on this one - 7 weeks pregnant at new year and now 24 weeks in April ???

paxillin · 06/04/2018 12:24

21

paxillin · 06/04/2018 12:25

21 dammit

sonjadog · 06/04/2018 12:25

I think your sister is right to be concerned. She's maybe not been the most tactful about it, but she has a point. I hope it turns out really great for you both, but I think you should be prepared that the situation might change after the baby is born.

Toastedstrudel · 06/04/2018 12:28

Is uni ex clear that baby is not his? Many people seem to be confused on here and your dates don’t add up. I wouldn’t be surprised if uni ex is also unsure of wtf is going on. Your sister is only telling you what everyone else in the universe would be thinking but not saying. She’s being a good friend to you in that respect.

Mightymucks · 06/04/2018 12:43

I think a better way for your sister to have put it might be that although it is nice that your ex is supporting you, you should be looking at moving forwards with yourself and your baby at the forefront of your mind and your relationship with uni ex should be a secondary concern which is nice if it works out but shouldn’t form the basis for your future plans.

I think you might be wise to take things slowly with him and perhaps live apart for the time being.

Having a new baby is hard and can put a strain on even the most established and committed relationship with the natural father. I would be cautious with how you are expecting this to pan out.

I would also be cautious from the point of view of uni ex too. Your relationship with him didn’t work out and you moved on and only appear to be interested again now you are looking for a father figure for your child. From his point of view I would say there should be a concern that you’re not actually in love with him or interested in him as a person but are pursuing a relationship with him because it’s convenient to you at the moment.

Take it slowly and be wary that you are not using him. You would be doing yourself and your child a disservice if you end up five years down the line in an unhappy relationship that you don’t really want because you thought it was the right thing to do at the time. Any split would be very difficult for your child given he is not her natural father and wouldn’t have any legal rights or responsibilities towards her.

expatinscotland · 06/04/2018 13:04

'I know someone who this happened to, he found out soon after they got together that she was in the early stages of pregnancy and the baby definitely wasn't his and bio father wasn't interested. They were together for 13 years! He was very much 'dad' and they never had any more children together. At the time of them getting together he was only 18 and he stepped up, so this situation working out for you is definitely not completely unrealistic.'

Obviously it didn't work out if they are now split up. I wouldn't want my 18-year-old son in a relationship like this, his choice, of course, but who would be pleased at their teenage child hooking up with someone with a kid and then forgoing having one of them own to bring up someone else's sprog? And yy, if a woman posts about a dating a man who has just found out his ex is pregnant she's told to leave tyre marks.

VeganCatLover · 06/04/2018 13:17

Ok I've read it again, I thought it said you slept with uni ex before December not before Christmas which is why I was confused. I think your sister was just being honest with you. I hope it does work out Smile

Original poster
ZebraSkins · 06/04/2018 14:31

Hello again. I'll try to answer the questions. My ex does know I'm pregnant and has said he wants no involvement. I haven't heard from him since. My current bf and I agreed to try again just before I found out. I'm 21 nearly 22 weeks pregnant apologies for typo. My bf is due to move back here but will be renting a nearby flat. I'm not with him because I'm pregnant I'm with him because I want to be. My manager has already agreed I can work four days on my return to work. I also have the baby provisionally booked into a nursery.

OP posts:
DairyisClosed · 06/04/2018 14:36

It ultimately depends in what kind of man your boyfriend is and how he feels about you. Neither your sister nor people on here can know whether it will work out. In the majority of cases it would be unlikely but sometimes it would and indeed has.

falsepriest · 06/04/2018 14:38

These are the kind of maths that got me fired from Northern Rock Bank

Original poster
ZebraSkins · 06/04/2018 14:40

My bf is lovely. He's the one that almost got away! I know he wants to be with me. We've got no ideas about lying to the baby about its parentage either

OP posts:
crunchtime · 06/04/2018 14:40

does your ex realise that he can't just say he wants no invilvement? That he has to contribute to the upkeep of his child?
How come you got pregnant to him? Why weren't you using contraceptioon?

LeighaJ · 06/04/2018 14:43

I knew someone who found out his new girlfriend was pregnant by someone else she slept with prior to them getting together. They got married and he adopted her son after he was born and they went on to have a child together.

Their marriage ultimately fell apart but it had nothing to do with any of that, it was because of the strain of his career in the military.

So I don't really see a problem if someone other than the biological father wants to step into the role.

It's hard to say whether or not your sister was being nasty though without knowing what kind of relationship you two usually have.

TammyWhyNot · 06/04/2018 14:44

Can you just clarify: you are back with your old boyfriend from Uni, but pregnant with the child of a different ex? And both men know the situation?

Anyway, it doesn't matter what your sister thinks, what will be will be - and why would you do what you think best now?

Original poster
ZebraSkins · 06/04/2018 14:44

We had a slip on crunch. I didn't think I was in my fertile period so I didn't take the morning afte pill. My periods tend to be erratic so I took the test expecting it to be negative. I thought I was overreacting obvs not!

OP posts:
TammyWhyNot · 06/04/2018 14:44

I mean why WOULDN'T you do whatever you think is best now.

LeighaJ · 06/04/2018 14:45

crunchtime

"How come you got pregnant to him?"

www.newkidscenter.com/How-Are-Babies-Made.html

lovelypumpkin · 06/04/2018 15:03

I don't think you should be too worried about what your sister thinks. Make the decisions you think are best as things comes up for you. I hope it all works out.

Gemini69 · 06/04/2018 15:06

I’m confused and I’ve read it three times. How many men are there?

Ok I'm confused is the baby the uni ex child? Because I don't see any mention of another ex in the op?

me too tbh Confused I'm lost Hmm

crunchtime · 06/04/2018 15:21

I know how babies are made . I assume the op does too which is why I am wondering why she didn't prevent it happening when she wasn't actually trying for a baby.

Too many people casu ally bring children into the world with no thought about the child's life. This poor kid is going to have a father who wants no part in his life. ..that's just great isn't it?

Original poster
ZebraSkins · 06/04/2018 15:24

Crunch I agree its not ideal but the baby is very much wanted by me and my bf. I'm in a good position to give my baby a stable life

OP posts:
CardinalCat · 06/04/2018 17:04

Zebra, you really don't have to explain yourself to the rude people asking about contraception. Only on Mumsnet do people seem to have access to 100% effective contraception, nor are mistakes ever made.

I think it sounds like this could work out well. No relationship comes with a gold plated guarantee, and this one is a bit messy, but it sounds like you've thought things through. Give your sister some space to get her head around it- she's maybe just wanting to make sure you've rally thought this over.