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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my sisters attitude?

78 replies

ZebraSkins · 06/04/2018 10:04

Hello. I'm new please be nice!
I was in a relationship the whole time I was in Uni. After uni we drifted and split. He moved to other side of the country and we stayed loosely in touch. We have mutual friends so I've seen him about once or twice a year since.

Just before Christmas we were on a uni reunion night out and we slept together. We were texting everyday over the Christmas and agreed to meet up in the new year. Then on New Year's Day I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant with my exs baby. I told him and since then we've been together. I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant and he's attended every scan with me and midwife appointments. He still lives two hours away but is making plans to move here to be with me and the baby.

I told my sister this and she told me I'm stupid and it will never work. She told me I'm unrelatistic and he won't want me after the baby is born.

OP posts:
catinapoolofsunshine · 06/04/2018 11:14

I suppose that the difference is due to biology a man who's left a pregnant ex is suspect because nobody yet knows whether he will take his 50% share of responsibility for is baby, and whether he's an irresponsible arse hole liable to get the new girlfriend pregnant and leave her too, without taking responsibility. Biology means that women are almost always left holding the baby in these situations, and men can too easily walk away without ever being a parent to multiple children.
Biology also limits the number of times a woman does this compared to a man!

UpOver · 06/04/2018 11:14

Your sister sounds like she was rude but it’s never a great plan to get pregnant when you aren’t in a stable relationship and especially with the type of guy who won’t have anything to do with you or the baby. (unless you are actively choosing to have a child on you own)

As long as you don’t rush things with your old Uni boyfriend then yo can see how it goes. It might be an idea to wait a while before you live together etc

ShapelyBingoWing · 06/04/2018 11:14

I think you should take your sister's very honest concerns on board but ultimately you'll need to proceed as is right for you. Her preempting any issues doesn't mean she won't be supportive if they come to light.

There was a very similar situation in my family. Family member (A) got with a new partner while pregnant. Bio dad seemingly didn't want to be involved. A's partner left when her DS was 3. It was all very acrimonious and sadly the DS lost his father figure because, as both sides were guilty of flinging at each other in temper, DS wasn't biologically his. Bio dad has since stepped up now that the father figure doesn't complicate things. And since then, A has a new live in partner so there's another father figure in her DS life. As you can imagine, it's all been quite confusing and traumatic for A's DS. He's only 5.

Crispbutty · 06/04/2018 11:18

I’m confused and I’ve read it three times. How many men are there?

upshltcreek · 06/04/2018 11:18

I know someone who this happened to, he found out soon after they got together that she was in the early stages of pregnancy and the baby definitely wasn't his and bio father wasn't interested. They were together for 13 years! He was very much 'dad' and they never had any more children together. At the time of them getting together he was only 18 and he stepped up, so this situation working out for you is definitely not completely unrealistic.

YourWanMajella · 06/04/2018 11:19

I think the idea that your sister is jealous is just stupid

Yup. WTF would anyone be jealous of OP's situation? knocked up by one guy and sleeping with another that she already broke up with once before....nobodies jealous of that.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 06/04/2018 11:25

I know a few people who've been in situations like this and its all worked out. I suppose your sister was bluntly telling you that the odds are stacked against you but its not unimaginable that it would work out. Good luck

Mydoghatesthebath · 06/04/2018 11:26

I think you are rushing ahead too quickly op. That’s what your sister was trying to tell you but very tactlessly.

MrsExpo · 06/04/2018 11:30

I'm with Crispbutty on this. Where's the biological father in all of this?Does he know he's going to be a dad and has OP discussed the pregnancy/partner situation with him? He may have his own views on how his child should be raised/parented .... I hope this works out OK for all four people involved.

BarbarianMum · 06/04/2018 11:32

What is your plan for when the baby is born? Is your new boyfriend planning to adopt it? Marry you? Is that what you want?

I guess your dsis is worried that you may be making decisions (to manufacture a nice little family unit with this man) that you wouldn't have made if you'd not found yourself unexpectedly pregnant. It would be wise for you to heed those warnings and not rush things imo. If it's meant to work out it will still work out if taken at a slower pace.

catinapoolofsunshine · 06/04/2018 11:33

Crisp I think Jane and John were a couple all through uni, then split up soon after, but stayed vaguely in occasional contact through mutual acquaintances.

A few (or many, unclear) years later Jane started going out with Fred, who Jane was became pregnant by in November ish.

In December Jane had a one night stand with John and they started texting.

Somehow Jane found out on New Years day that she was 7 weeks pregnant (this is actually the bit that confuses me - how did she know it was 7 weeks? She can't have had a scan on New Year's day?)

Fred hasn't been seen for dust, so John has been re-instated.

Tbh I assume Jane got bored of John towards the end of uni but he's never got over her and is enjoying playing knight in shining armour atm while it's just about going to a few appointments and being a shoulder to cry on for a still attractive old flame who isn't yet especially heavily pregnant, but I made that part up :o

Who really who knows what will happen when the dirty nappies and night feeds and exhaustion and so on hit the fan in 4 months time...

DariaG · 06/04/2018 11:34

Well, she is quite harsh tbh but don't get mad at her, she is being pragmatic. You get that from close friends and relatives from time to time, like when mom tells you that you will forget your school bf when you'll go to college Smile Some people don't know how to express concern without being impolite
your situation sounds unrealistic indeed, but hey, it can work out, good luck to you!

TheJoyOfSox · 06/04/2018 11:36

Your sister is being brutally honest.

The chances of this relationship working out are slim, but that’s not to say you won’t be with this guy in 30 years time and all be very happy.

She was trying to warn you that!

She just didn’t go about it very elegantly.

Having a baby is a hard time for a lot of people, even harder when it’s not your own flesh and blood. You already broke up with the guy once, so has enough changed to make you both want to be stay together this time?

catinapoolofsunshine · 06/04/2018 11:46

Zebra if you slept with your uni ex just before Christmas and only found for the first time (presumably by doing a home test) out on New Year's day that you are pregnant, how did you know that you were 7 weeks pregnant by your recent ex and not four weeks pregnant (i.e. 2 weeks after conception) with your uni ex?

PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 11:46

I do understand why your sister is worried.

EdmundCleverClogs · 06/04/2018 11:57

My maths is terrible. If you were 7 weeks pregnant at NYs you couldn’t possibly be more than about 20 weeks now, rather than 24? Sorry if I’m wrong there.

As for your sister, she may well be right. Raising a child in a stable, long term relationship is difficult enough, never mind a short term thing where he’s not even the dad. Of course, you may go on to prove them wrong, who knows. She’s not totally unreasonable though.

CardinalCat · 06/04/2018 11:58

This could end up working out really well. You end up back with your first love and raising a child together (albeit not biologically his) in a loving family environment. It sounds like a preferable option to being a single mum.

however, you would have to be quite daft if you couldn't see the obvious risks and potential pitfalls that are staring you in the face here. the biological father could change his mind (as is entirely his right). The uni ex could decide it's just all too much for him to take on. If you are not open and honest with the child, you could cause all sorts of confusion in its mind as to its parentage.

I think your sister may have been unnecessarily blunt, but I'm not sure you can really sugar coat these things. I'm sure you've given it a lot of thought, and are prepared for various eventualities- maybe you just need to reassure her that your head isn't in the clouds or the sand, you're well aware it's a complex situation, but that you're on top of it.

I wish you all the best! Exciting times for you- just try to keep a level head Flowers

pinkdelight · 06/04/2018 11:59

It's quite odd - the way it's written sounds like the fact that you were pregnant with ex's baby is the very thing that galvanised your uni-ex to commit to you. Perhaps it's just coincidence and you'd have got together after the reunion anyway, but with the baby in the mix it all gets rather heightened. I think your sister's attitude is the last thing you need to worry about tbh. It's bluntly put but no doubt comes from a place of concern, given that she knows you and uni-ex of old. It'd be difficult anyway, with the ex being an arsehole not wanting to get involved - and it's not usual to frame this as a positive just because it leaves the path clear for your uni-ex to step into the daddy role. On the whole, I'd take to heart the essence of what you're sister's saying - that you fundamentally need to be prepared to raise the baby on your own - and beyond that, keep the baby's needs at the fore and your relationships with both exes in service of that. Biological dad should be involved at least through CMS and non-bio dad, well, that's very much a wait and see, don't get caught up in the moment too much.

crunchtime · 06/04/2018 11:59

i understand why your sister is worried.

Why weren't you using contraception?
You're bringing a new life into the world who will have to grow up and become a person and you seem to be treating the whole thing as casually as a new pair of shoes or something.

Why aren't you interested whether the father of your child is part of their life or not?

ReanimatedSGB · 06/04/2018 12:08

Well, there are a lot of potential problems here - but, equally, it could all work out ok.
However, one thing you MUST do is: acknowledge to your child when s/he is born that UniBoy is not the father. It's too easy for people to drift into allowing everyone to believe that Mr NiceKindTrueLove is the father of a baby who was in fact the product of someone else's sperm, and this is an awful, damaging thing to do because the truth always comes out. The actual father may, at some point, decide he wants to see the child and would have a legal right to pursue contact (along with a legal obligation to pay maintenance) UniBoy may turn out to be firing blanks, (People rarely know how fertile they actually are unless/until they start TTC).

There is nothing inherently wrong, or shameful, in having a baby via some man you are no longer with (unplanned pregnancies happen all the time and every woman has the right to decide what will happen if she has one, regardless of any man's opinion). Nor does single parenthood mean you can't ever date again.

Crispbutty · 06/04/2018 12:08

Thank you catinapool that did help.. 😂

Coconutspongexo · 06/04/2018 12:11

Can I ask how you’re 24 weeks pregnant?

We’re on week 14 of the year, you was 7 weeks at new year...

VeganCatLover · 06/04/2018 12:12

Ok I'm confused Confused is the baby the uni ex child? Because I don't see any mention of another ex in the op?

kerryleigh · 06/04/2018 12:16

Your sister told you what she thinks. I would want and keep telling my DDs to be honest with each other at all times.

catinapoolofsunshine · 06/04/2018 12:20

The only way this makes sense, thinking about it, is if you were ten weeks pregnant by Fred recent ex on NYD, meaning you probably already knew you were pregnant, or at least suspected it but weren't ready to admit it to yourself by taking a test, when you slept with John your old flame.

Otherwise if you only tested on 1st Jan the baby might by John's old uni flame's and not recent exes.

I think I must have watched too many Friends re-runs as I am now thinking of the episode where Monica and Chandler are hosting the pregnant mother of the twins they end up adopting, and trying to work out whether the father of her babies is her high school sweet heart or "Shovely Jo" ... Just me? :o

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