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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let DP have his hobby time

82 replies

Spaghettihead1 · 05/04/2018 15:57

Hi everyone, I need some help with a dilemma.
DP has expressed his wish that he wants to renew his membership and start playing golf again.
This wouldn’t be such a problem with me if we didn’t have 2 small children, 5 and 1.
Up until last year, DP played 1 weeknight, 1weekday afternoon and 5 hours on a weekend - pretty much every week.
We both work full time.
I used to resent the amount of time he was out and I was left to do everything else with ds (bear in mind I did the lions share of everything that comes with running a house, looking after ds, organisation of life/fun times etc) plus he missed out on a lot of fun days out with a young Ds.
Last year I asked him not to renew his membership as dd was about to be born. I didn’t want him leaving me so much with a newborn to care for plus a 4year old to entertain. He wasn’t happy about it but respected my wishes.
So, the question came up the other night....
He says he wants to play at least twice a month. That’s not much I know, but it will creep into much more than this as He gets frustrated if he can’t play often enough because he doesn’t see any improvement in his game.
It will creep into playing weekday evenings - so I will get home from work, feed and bath the kids. He’ll either arrive home from work then leave for golf 30mins later once the kids are in bed.
And then if there’s no day out planned for the weekend (no thoughts for little things like taking kids to the park for instance) then he won’t see why he can’t go and have a game.
He wouldn’t ever think to take the kids out in his own to give me a rest in return either.
We have had conversations about how little quality time he spends with ds (and now dd) but nothing has ever changed.
So aibu to say no?
My honest thoughts are that golf is something he should put on the back burner until our children are less needy. He should be spending these early years with us all having fun.
On one hand I feel really mean, yet on the other hand I feel he’s really selfish.
Can anyone offer a solution apart from Ltb

OP posts:

Aprilmightmemynewname · 05/04/2018 15:59

Suggest you join a gym for the times he is home. Fairs fair. Bet he won't renew.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 05/04/2018 16:07

Last year I asked him not to renew his membership as dd was about to be born. I didn’t want him leaving me so much with a newborn to care for plus a 4year old to entertain. He wasn’t happy about it but respected my wishes.

Your child is now 1 and no longer a newborn, You have said he will leave to play once the kids are in bed so I think yabu, Everyone needs something for themselves, maybe you should take up a hobby too?

43percentburnt · 05/04/2018 16:09

I think the only way he will see why it’s an issue is if you do the same. Same cost, same amount of hours, reduce housework accordingly.

Set the expectation now. He needs to do 50% at home. Join a group. Am dram, choir, if you play an instrument join a band (gigging). Alternatively, golf, hockey, football, dance. Or a football season ticket plus all away games. An out of the house hobby for your downtime.

Yes it will eat into family time but he’s likely to get the message.

Greenhouseonthehill · 05/04/2018 16:17

Can you say no weekend games?

I sympathise. My mother was a golf widow which is why I married a man with no sporting interests.

Agustarella · 05/04/2018 16:27

I don't really see how you can stop him without it being counterproductive. Maybe you could agree that he gets time off in return for you getting time off, but if your point is that you want to spend more time as a family, this doesn't really work. Would he be OK with less golf or would he be like a sulky teenager, forced to hang out with mummy when he wants to be with his mates? I don't really think these hobbyist types make good partners unless the wife is happy being left to their own devices with the kids most of the time.

Dozer · 05/04/2018 16:30

So he didn’t - and still isn’t? - doing a fair share of domestic work or parenting. Instead he prioritised his personal leisure time. What is his proposal for addressing that?

Presumably if you took the same amount of leisure time there would be virtually no family time.

Playing a couple of times a month seems reasonable, if he addresses the unfair division of labour and ensures you get leisure time too.

Dozer · 05/04/2018 16:32

So he basically never has the DC alone? That’s poor.

Why are you putting up with such an unfair set up?

Littlelambpeep · 05/04/2018 16:36

I think I would put it off for a month and in that time, take up something yourself. Even go to the hairdressers early Saturday, have a coffee etc. Get home at say two. Then he can go off in yhr afternoon - but you make sure you get your time

SarBear34 · 05/04/2018 16:38

I don’t see the problem with him going after the dc are in bed?

And twice a month on the weekend.

Just make sure you go out an evening a week etc

Dozer · 05/04/2018 16:41

Two DC of that age won’t be in bed by 7.30 or 8, and there will be domestic work to be done after that. One evening a week seems fair enough, if OP gets similar time.

RatherBeRiding · 05/04/2018 16:48

I think everyone needs hobby time. The issue here is that you don't get any AND you seem to be doing the lion's share. You need to explain this to him.

BTW your "hobby time" doesn't have to be gym membership or taking up running, but you could have an evening off once a week to spend with family/friends, go to the cinema with a friend.

Basically, whatever time he spends on his hobby he gets to have the DC on his own so that you have your own free time. Plus, whatever time is needed for housework etc is divided equally between you both.

Set that down in front of him and see how he reacts,

ChickenMom · 05/04/2018 16:49

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Having children shouldn’t mean you have to drop hobbies but you should get exactly the same amount of time back. Work it out and write it down in a contract that he signs. Say he can do a weds eve and Saturday afternoon (5 hours). You then get a Thursday eve (he does tea/bath/bed) and you also get 5 hours on a Sunday afternoon to yourself. He either takes them out (without you) or you get to go to the gym/movies/coffee shop/garden centre. Make it an exact swap. Then it’s fair.

FrogFairy · 05/04/2018 16:57

Totally agree with the others, there should be a fair spread of chores/childcare/leisure time and also maybe set aside days for family time.

FancyNewBeesly · 05/04/2018 16:58

If he gets x hours to play golf, you get the same amount of free time to do whatever you like. Same with spending money on golf, going on trips etc.

I think you need a summit to go over the currently inequitable situation and address that before he starts doing even less

Butterymuffin · 05/04/2018 17:02

As pp have said, state that you both get the same amount of time to go off and do hobbies / your own thing. Leave the issue about family time for now. He can't really argue with the 'equal time' proposition as easily. Plus it's the best way to force him to look after them alone, which he absolutely should do, and to stop his golf time expanding, because you will be out doing your thing the alternate times so he can't just decide he will go for an extra game. Do this first and then 'review' it all later.

Overeaters · 05/04/2018 17:03

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TellOutMySoul · 05/04/2018 17:05

Golf is for retired people.

Tell him to wait.

Idontdowindows · 05/04/2018 17:05

"You had your golf for all this time, so now it's my turn, I will be leaving you with the children for a weeknight, a weekday afternoon and 5 hours on the weekend for the next year. After that we can discuss your hobbies again. It's my turn."

Idontdowindows · 05/04/2018 17:06

Happy husband happy life.

Yeah, cause fuck the wife eh, she doesn't need to be happy, she just needs to do the drudgework.

RatherBeRiding · 05/04/2018 17:08

overeeaters. Maybe him being a selfish lazy arse who doesn't lift a finger round the house and disappears for hours on end to the golf course will also put a strain on the relationship?

And I didn't know we'd beamed back to the 1950s........

maras2 · 05/04/2018 17:08

overeaters
Name calling is unnecessary and very unpleasant.

Overeaters · 05/04/2018 17:09

This reply has been deleted

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MrsFezziwig · 05/04/2018 17:11

YABU in clearly stating what the hobby is, rather than coming over all faux-mysterious and claiming that you cannot name it because it will “out you”.

YANBU in everything else - golf is a time-consuming hobby, it’s not just like going for a run. By all means agree that he can play twice a month, but make sure you have an equivalent amount of time to do what you want - whether it’s having an activity of your own or spending family time together (personally I’d start off with your own activity as it seems he’s by no means doing his fair share of family stuff and it will give him a wake-up call as to what input is needed to keep the family going).

Lou0390 · 05/04/2018 17:11

I feel your pain and frustration. In the summers I am a cricket widow and I'm due to give birth to our 2nd any moment now, we already have a 2.5 dd. I have now also be informed DH wants to sign up to some running challenges this year too!
I have said I would like some time for my interests and to get back into the gym etc but without sacrificing family time on the non cricket day I don't see how this will be achieved. It just really sucks and I'm not sure how to handle the resentment.

FrogFairy · 05/04/2018 17:11

OP and her husband both work full time so they are supplying gravy too.

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