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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DP have his hobby time

82 replies

Spaghettihead1 · 05/04/2018 15:57

Hi everyone, I need some help with a dilemma.
DP has expressed his wish that he wants to renew his membership and start playing golf again.
This wouldn’t be such a problem with me if we didn’t have 2 small children, 5 and 1.
Up until last year, DP played 1 weeknight, 1weekday afternoon and 5 hours on a weekend - pretty much every week.
We both work full time.
I used to resent the amount of time he was out and I was left to do everything else with ds (bear in mind I did the lions share of everything that comes with running a house, looking after ds, organisation of life/fun times etc) plus he missed out on a lot of fun days out with a young Ds.
Last year I asked him not to renew his membership as dd was about to be born. I didn’t want him leaving me so much with a newborn to care for plus a 4year old to entertain. He wasn’t happy about it but respected my wishes.
So, the question came up the other night....
He says he wants to play at least twice a month. That’s not much I know, but it will creep into much more than this as He gets frustrated if he can’t play often enough because he doesn’t see any improvement in his game.
It will creep into playing weekday evenings - so I will get home from work, feed and bath the kids. He’ll either arrive home from work then leave for golf 30mins later once the kids are in bed.
And then if there’s no day out planned for the weekend (no thoughts for little things like taking kids to the park for instance) then he won’t see why he can’t go and have a game.
He wouldn’t ever think to take the kids out in his own to give me a rest in return either.
We have had conversations about how little quality time he spends with ds (and now dd) but nothing has ever changed.
So aibu to say no?
My honest thoughts are that golf is something he should put on the back burner until our children are less needy. He should be spending these early years with us all having fun.
On one hand I feel really mean, yet on the other hand I feel he’s really selfish.
Can anyone offer a solution apart from Ltb Wink

OP posts:
halfwitpicker · 05/04/2018 17:39

1 weeknight, 1weekday afternoon and 5 hours on a weekend

^

You need the same amount of time.

halfwitpicker · 05/04/2018 17:40

My mum was a cricket widow for 20 years. But to be fair, my late dad did pitch in when needed.

^

Grin
Juells · 05/04/2018 17:41

Overeaters - are you deliberately being a GF or are you really as pathetically ground down by the patriarchy as you seem?

I took it for granted Overeaters was male.

NataliaOsipova · 05/04/2018 17:42

Having children shouldn’t mean you have to drop hobbies but you should get exactly the same amount of time back

The problem with this is that it can lead to a situation where family life is non existent and children are just passed between parents while one of them goes out and does his/her own thing. Which is pretty much the same set up as divorced people have.....and isn't the basis of a good marriage. Don't get me wrong; some hobby time is fine. An hour in the gym a couple of times a week? Fair enough. A fortnightly night out with friends? Fair enough as well. But things which take an entire day of the weekend, every week, week in week out which exclude the rest of the family? Different order of magnitude entirely.

MissDuke · 05/04/2018 17:52

Halfwit, I chuckled at that too Grin

timeisnotaline · 05/04/2018 17:52

If he doesn’t do much yet I’d say 1. He can renew once he’s demonstrated he can do his fair share, 2. You will not allow time creep. Also, golf is not nonnegotiable, eg if he /you as a family had other thingd on he doesn’t then HAVE to fit golf in and everything else can go jump, and 4. He continue to pull his weight and you get equal free time.

timeisnotaline · 05/04/2018 17:52

3 not 4 obvs! Fat fingers ...

dubmumof2 · 05/04/2018 18:02

OP if it's anything like our house I think the problem here is that you don't particularly have the time or the energy at this point in your kids' lives to want to take up a hobby or out of the house pursuit just to make things be fair? And in your heart of hearts you know that being out of the house for hours at a time leaving him in charge will only lead to a lot of other problems that you will have to solve too, only adding to the work that has remained undone in your absence Wink Am I right? And once the membership has been renewed, the pressure will be on to resume three times weekly playing...

And golf requires being out of the house for at least 5 hours every time....it's not just going to the gym regularly for an hour and a half or so.

I'm sure it is not helpful for so many of us to post that you need to get him to do his fair share (so much easier said than done) when really what you were seeking is that he would want to spend time hanging out with his family doing things together at the weekend rather than getting him to do his fair share of family and home contributing.

No silver bullet here except to offer what eventually worked for us....he played golf on a weekend morning of his choosing as long as he was home by lunchtime so that left enough of the day to do something together as a family. The other weekend morning was my morning, to sleep/read a book/go out and get a coffee with a friend/hairdresser etc. That afternoon was available for family stuff too. Over time and as kids became older and more independent and had more activities it became less rigid but the terms were clearly set at the beginning and adhered to until they were well established that I had equal time to do with as I chose and that we carved out family time at the weekend.

He often took summer afternoons off work to play golf too but it didn't interfere with family time...

It wouldn't work for everyone but thought I'd share in case it would work for you?

Shinycat · 05/04/2018 18:05

He needs to either reign it in and stop bogging off out so often, OR the OP needs to make sure SHE has had much 'hobby time' as him. I am willing to bet he won't be very happy if she is off out as often as him.

Unfortunately, when they get married and have a baby, SOME men (not all,) keep living as if they are still a single man. No woman I know has ever tried to keep living as a single woman when she is married, and a mother...

I have known a number of men (over many years!) who buggared off out time and again, to footy, boxing, golf, fishing, darts, pool, etc etc etc, and left the missus to the wifework and mommywork.

And then when the kids left home, he started staying in more, lounging around, dominating the telly, and rarely lifting a finger to help. Proving (IMO) that he buggared off out for the 2 decades the kids were there, to get away from any childcare duties.

I know it sounds like I'm generalising - but this is honestly what I have seen, (quite a lot,) over the past 40-45 years..... I saw it in the late 70's and the 80's (when I was a kid,) and I still see it even now....... Lazy entitled men, and women who enable them by putting up with their shit!!!

@Spaghettihead1 you need to talk to your husband, and don't be a mug, letting him get away with this shit, like many many women before you have..............

fuzzyfozzy · 05/04/2018 18:27

All the time should be split
Housework
Fun family time
You time
Golf time.
If he's happy with that, then go for it.
You may find he steps up more if his family or housework time is more structured

M0RVEN · 05/04/2018 18:33

You had your golf for all this time, so now it's my turn, I will be leaving you with the children for a weeknight, a weekday afternoon and 5 hours on the weekend for the next year. After that we can discuss your hobbies again. It's my turn

This.

stressedandskint · 05/04/2018 18:44

Sounds like you need to get a hobby too. Both agree that on x night you go out and do your hobby and on x night your husband gets to go out and do his hobby. Don't get trapped into being a mum all the time, you need to make time for yourself too and have your own life.
Weekends can be spent doing family stuff or perhaps one or both of you can go on a night or meal out sometimes.

Iluvthe80s · 05/04/2018 18:46

I would have a discussion about a fairer division of labour at home-housework and looking after the kids. I think we all need time to ourselves, so would agree who is going to take responsibility for housework etc. So you can BOTH have time for yourselves while also ensuring there is family time too.

Frazzled2207 · 05/04/2018 18:54

If he gets so many evenings/weekend days off then so do you.

I don't think 2 weekends a month is ridiculous

We have two small dcs and each have one evening "off" per week to do a hobby.
Does us both good I think.

WildCherryBlossom · 05/04/2018 20:50

Neither of us had any hobbies when we had newborns and a gaggle of toddlers. It was all hands on deck evenings and weekends. But once we got a bit of breathing space (sleeping through) it became increasingly important to do stuff for ourselves and follow our interests. My husband is in a sports team, training one evening and playing one day at the weekend. With the children's activities, there isn't much time for me to cell my own at weekend, but I have done various night classes. It's a juggle, but you need to carve out some time for yourself.

Cornishclio · 05/04/2018 21:06

Golf is a time consuming hobby but I am not sure asking him to put it on the back burner until the children are older is fair either. He has suggested twice a month which does not seem unreasonable and a chat with him as to how you can also fit in time for you to do something, maybe the two of you doing something together with the children and him having some one on one time with the kids while you go off for a run or a walk or swim or just to the shops minus kids. It should all be about balance but in the interests of family harmony I would not want to say he could not do it at all.

Original poster
Spaghettihead1 · 05/04/2018 21:32

dubmumof2 yes you are right!
I can’t be arsed of an evening after usually being woken a few times with dd, doing a full days work, the madness of early evenings....
It’d be time to come home by the time I was ready to go!!!
I like your solution too. I might put something like that to him...

I’m slowly delegating jobs to him so he is doing a little more. But there’s still the other stuff that he doesn’t do....but that’s beside the point.

I think we’ll just have

OP posts:
Original poster
Spaghettihead1 · 05/04/2018 21:34

Oops posted to soon

I think we’ll have to really talk this one through for us to both be happy.

OP posts:
starbucks2015 · 05/04/2018 21:42

I totally sympathize with you op. I've had similar problems with my OH with children of similar age. Somebody suggested that we sit down together and do a Rota detailing household tasks, hobbies and stuff like that. The main thing is you get equal time so for every 5 hours he gets you also get 5 hours to yourself to do whatever you want. I like spa days so they take up a few hours and a few quid. You should suggest taking up golf with him and the children can be the caddies Grin

Dozer · 05/04/2018 22:39

He is already happy, at your expense. And he wants yet more.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 06/04/2018 00:34

My exh had a golf membership - that alone before the gear was about £800 a year!! Hope you are also treating yourself op!!

GrumpyPantz · 06/04/2018 00:55

I don't see an issue with him going one night per week, or on a weekday afternoon as presumably you're at work and DS is at school? I'd object to him going at weekends though. If he takes one weekend day for himself and you take the other, when are you supposed to spend time as a family?

Dozer · 06/04/2018 07:35

“I’m slowly delegating jobs to him so he is doing a little more. But there’s still the other stuff that he doesn’t do....but that’s beside the point.”

It’s not beside the point. So you have the full “mental load” and are doing all the night work with DC2. No wonder you’re too shattered to do stuff. Yet he has plenty of energy for evening golf.

Different energy/ tiredness levels often make unfairness obvious IMO. I learned this the hard way when I was physically and mentally ill and exhausted when DC1 was around one-18 months and DH (who did his fair share of domestic work and parenting in the day but not doing any nights) was energetic and running half marathons! Did manage to change things, including for DC2.

Why don’t you feel you can have a frank discussion with him about his not pulling his weight as a parent or partner?

FreshHorizons · 06/04/2018 07:44

Have the joint calendar on the wall- make sure that you put down times that you are out doing things so that he knows he has to be in doing the childcare at that time.

Dozer · 06/04/2018 07:51

Or your “hobby” could be watching Netflix or reading in bed at home!