To not let DP have his hobby time

[Spaghettihead1]

Hi everyone, I need some help with a dilemma.
DP has expressed his wish that he wants to renew his membership and start playing golf again.
This wouldn’t be such a problem with me if we didn’t have 2 small children, 5 and 1.
Up until last year, DP played 1 weeknight, 1weekday afternoon and 5 hours on a weekend - pretty much every week.
We both work full time.
I used to resent the amount of time he was out and I was left to do everything else with ds (bear in mind I did the lions share of everything that comes with running a house, looking after ds, organisation of life/fun times etc) plus he missed out on a lot of fun days out with a young Ds.
Last year I asked him not to renew his membership as dd was about to be born. I didn’t want him leaving me so much with a newborn to care for plus a 4year old to entertain. He wasn’t happy about it but respected my wishes.
So, the question came up the other night....
He says he wants to play at least twice a month. That’s not much I know, but it will creep into much more than this as He gets frustrated if he can’t play often enough because he doesn’t see any improvement in his game.
It will creep into playing weekday evenings - so I will get home from work, feed and bath the kids. He’ll either arrive home from work then leave for golf 30mins later once the kids are in bed.
And then if there’s no day out planned for the weekend (no thoughts for little things like taking kids to the park for instance) then he won’t see why he can’t go and have a game.
He wouldn’t ever think to take the kids out in his own to give me a rest in return either.
We have had conversations about how little quality time he spends with ds (and now dd) but nothing has ever changed.
So aibu to say no?
My honest thoughts are that golf is something he should put on the back burner until our children are less needy. He should be spending these early years with us all having fun.
On one hand I feel really mean, yet on the other hand I feel he’s really selfish.
Can anyone offer a solution apart from Ltb

My dh plays rugby. He has done since he was a child. He didn’t play while I was giving birth or for a short time after babies. Providing he is working at home and not away he will go training on a Thursday night. He leaves at 6:30 and is back around 9. We also both work full time. In that time all I need to do is kids bath and bed which I don’t mind. He also plays a game on a Saturday. Sometimes I take the kids down and watch they love it.

I don’t have a hobby outside the home as there’s not much I’d enjoy doing really. I do go out with friends though and I don’t ask permission to do so I just tell him me and the girls are off out Friday night. He’s fine with it. On a Thursday night I do a bit of cleaning watch what I want on tv and sometimes I might do a bit o sketching. On a Saturday I tend to clean in the morning then go onto the rugby game or if it’s crap weather I do baking with kids etc. Sunday’s are family day.

Saying all that though I know full well that if I booked a weekend away or something he wouldn’t care about the rugby. There would be no oh but I’ve rugby game on Saturday. He wouldn’t give it a second thought so I don’t mind.

He enjoys it and has done it for years and he’s happy. I’m happy that he’s happy and that it doesn’t come at a price of our happiness as a family

When my DP says he’s going out I just say cool have you arranged child care? as if he just expects me to do everything 😂 or I just say okay you have Saturday and I’ll have Sunday

Lots of great suggestions to put to him thanks people!
I’d rather go to him with something than a straight no.

I’ve sort of ignored all the posts that were straying into the wife work territory. Yes we do have issues with who does what around the house/children but they are being tackled. The point of the thread was to find a solution to the hobby time in which the majority of you have helped - thanks again.

Sigh...when my children were little my ex used to go sailing all weekend. We were both working, and I asked him to help at the weekends, wasn't really able to articulate that I wanted some company and family time as well. I was pinned down to give an answer "What would be helpful, then, you have to explain what you want?" and said that for instance the shopping was a huge chore with a toddler and a baby. So then a shopping list was demanded. I did that, he left the house at 8am and was back by 9, opened the front door, threw the shopping in, and left for the day as usual When I whinged I was told there was no pleasing me, he'd done what was asked.

Sometimes the difficulty is that it's difficult to put into words that your whole life has changed, and what should be a shared experience has become all your responsibility - housework, looking after children etc.. You have to get it straight in your own mind before you can ask for what you want.

Just get your own leisure time agreed and let him do his hobby. Both do equal shares of hobbies and childcare. Then you have the best of both worlds. I can't understand the problem. He can do his golf as long as he helps with his kids. If he doesn't help and give you the same free time then his golf is history.

Absolutely what juells says. What you want is a shared experience where you both think about what you can do as a fanily/as a couple not just him asking for help and you having to tell him what to do... The mental load is still all there. It's taken a loooong time for us to get to this, but i think we are getting there a bit.
My idea of hobby time is staying in reading or watching TV on my own. So if dh is there with toddler, i am constantly being interrupted. I just want the house to myself! It's hard when your hobbies aren't set times and out of the house.

I would hate if my partner did this but sadly you can't force him to want to spend time with you and the kids and he will just resent you if you do.
I would let him get a membership but plan things for the weekends in advance- even if it's just a walk plan somewhere nice to go/ day trip with a picnic/ nature trail for the kids etc. Find local weekend events that you can go to/ invite people around so that he can only play golf in the week.