Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not let DP have his hobby time

82 replies

Spaghettihead1 · 05/04/2018 15:57

Hi everyone, I need some help with a dilemma.
DP has expressed his wish that he wants to renew his membership and start playing golf again.
This wouldn’t be such a problem with me if we didn’t have 2 small children, 5 and 1.
Up until last year, DP played 1 weeknight, 1weekday afternoon and 5 hours on a weekend - pretty much every week.
We both work full time.
I used to resent the amount of time he was out and I was left to do everything else with ds (bear in mind I did the lions share of everything that comes with running a house, looking after ds, organisation of life/fun times etc) plus he missed out on a lot of fun days out with a young Ds.
Last year I asked him not to renew his membership as dd was about to be born. I didn’t want him leaving me so much with a newborn to care for plus a 4year old to entertain. He wasn’t happy about it but respected my wishes.
So, the question came up the other night....
He says he wants to play at least twice a month. That’s not much I know, but it will creep into much more than this as He gets frustrated if he can’t play often enough because he doesn’t see any improvement in his game.
It will creep into playing weekday evenings - so I will get home from work, feed and bath the kids. He’ll either arrive home from work then leave for golf 30mins later once the kids are in bed.
And then if there’s no day out planned for the weekend (no thoughts for little things like taking kids to the park for instance) then he won’t see why he can’t go and have a game.
He wouldn’t ever think to take the kids out in his own to give me a rest in return either.
We have had conversations about how little quality time he spends with ds (and now dd) but nothing has ever changed.
So aibu to say no?
My honest thoughts are that golf is something he should put on the back burner until our children are less needy. He should be spending these early years with us all having fun.
On one hand I feel really mean, yet on the other hand I feel he’s really selfish.
Can anyone offer a solution apart from Ltb

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 05/04/2018 17:12

gravey train of living off his wage ends

They both work full time... you're as dim as you come across.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/04/2018 17:12

He wouldn’t ever think to take the kids out in his own to give me a rest in return either

I did the lions share of everything that comes with running a house, looking after ds, organisation of life/fun times etc

There's your problems, right there.

If he doesn't think, have you asked / told him "Oh I'm going out all day next Sunday" or "I've joined a gym, I'll be going every Monday and Wednesday evening"

What was / would his reaction be?

oblada · 05/04/2018 17:13

DH has a similarly time consuming hobby but has cut back since we've had kids. Like golf he knows he can play when he's older no problem. Atm he does an evening a week (not every week but mostly because of other work commitments) and tries to go one week-end day every month or every couple of months. we're happy with that. i used to go to the gym twice a week. i may go back to that or thinking of taking something that would be 1 evening a week instead. We both have busy jobs, out of hours work at times.
It's a question of making it work for both and having the same priorities. How does he get a weekday pm every week free??

Userplusnumbers · 05/04/2018 17:14

I really don't understand why couples use times like this to impose their will on each other, I'd far rather have a conversation about division of labour and how he's going to ensure I get the same amount of free time, than both being in the house with him resenting me for preventing him taking up his hobby.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/04/2018 17:15

I get the strong sense that the OP can't even ask for equal leisure time.

Let alone push / insist on it.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 05/04/2018 17:16

Why can't you look after 2 children on your own for a few hours? It's not exactly work is it?

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/04/2018 17:17

Why can't you look after 2 children on your own for a few hours? It's not exactly work is it?

If it's 'not exactly work', why can't the DH...?

Overeaters · 05/04/2018 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MissDuke · 05/04/2018 17:21

I am with User. At the end of the day, the whole of every weekend does not need to be 'family time'. Especially with such young children. I really cannot see the harm in the odd evening when the children are in bed and every other weekend so long as it less than half of the weekend. So long as the op is also able to go and do her own thing at times too.

OP you say he never takes the children out alone, but has there been any reason to? My DH wouldn't think to unless I ask (though if he stays in, he will always do chores), I have never saw this as a big deal. I think it is really wrong to stop someone from having any hobbies at all (though I suspect that you know this golf will end up being much more than he claims....) but the poster who says get him to sign a contract? That makes me sad. It is a marriage, not a business partnership

DH and I have always went off and done our hobbies without any signing of contract or begrudging eachother the time, op hopefully you can come to a similar arrangement.

Dobbythesockelf · 05/04/2018 17:22

Men have a need to go out but women should be content to stay at home doing housework and looking after children? Didn't realise we were in the 1950s.
My dh is currently doing some cycle training, but yesterday I went out for a couple of hours and he looked after dd. Hobby time is fine as long as you both get it.

Overeaters · 05/04/2018 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thistlebelle · 05/04/2018 17:24

Your problem isn’t the hobby.

Your problem is that he doesn’t put in enough effort when he is there.

My DH trains fairly seriously for his sport. At least one evening a week and 5 hours each in Saturday and Sundays.

But when he is home he is very engaged with the children, does housework and is fully supportive of any time I need for friends/hobbies/travel.

He also organised his weekend training for 6am on Saturdays and Sundays so he’s home by late morning and it doesn’t take up all day.

The hobby isn’t the problem. Your DH is the problem.

rwalker · 05/04/2018 17:25

have a full on sit down chat let him renew as a couple healthy to have separate intrest .Can't see the problem when he kids in bed . But make sure you get your free time as well. The thing is if you insist that he can't go it works both ways it would not be fair for you have any free time and do any hobbies or going out .

Dobbythesockelf · 05/04/2018 17:27

Stop calling the op a bitch. She has said she doesn't get anytime to do things alone, her dh doesn't do his share of Housework, etc. Why is she controlling but not him? I'm not saying he shouldn't have a hobby but why does he get to check out on family life a couple of times a week but she doesn't?

SpringNowPlease2018 · 05/04/2018 17:28

he needs to do his share

if he can fit in that and golf, fine, but it sounds like he can't.

it also sounds like he doesn't do his share generally?

magoria · 05/04/2018 17:30

OP did everything for the first 4 years while her H buggered off as much as he could to play.

Isn't it her turn for 4 years to even things up?

Then they can take it in turns.

Userplusnumbers · 05/04/2018 17:31

@overeaters there's no need for name calling - the OPs concerned about fairness, I.e. The amount of free time they both have.

She wants to reduce DH to match her, and hadn't considered the alternative that she could increase hers to match his.

FWIW I agree with the previous poster about family time. Equal one on one time with each parent is important too (particularly with Dad's, if you want to break the cycle of childcare being seen as 'women's work')

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 05/04/2018 17:32

Overeaters - are you deliberately being a GF or are you really as pathetically ground down by the patriarchy as you seem?

Nightshiftmad · 05/04/2018 17:33

I say No, you are a family now he needs to change, he now needs to do things with you and the kids not go off by himself and have golf time. Family life should change is I think it's a bad thing to go back to doing things we did when single and carefree.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/04/2018 17:34

We have had conversations about how little quality time he spends with ds (and now dd) but nothing has ever changed

I don't think you would be unreasonable to point out how little he currently does, and suggest that if he wants 'hobby time' he needs to pitch in more, help you out, and spend one-on-one time with HIS children so that you can go out and spend time doing whatever you want too.

Otherwise, big fat no.

welshweasel · 05/04/2018 17:34

Designate one weekend day as a family day. The other day alternate between you, so one week he plays golf, the next week you go out with friends/do new hobby etc. That’s fair. I think hobbies and time apart are important when you’ve got small kids but it needs to benefit both of you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/04/2018 17:34

And you need to tell him you're going out sometimes too. And actually do it.

maggienolia · 05/04/2018 17:35

My mum was a cricket widow for 20 years. But to be fair, my late dad did pitch in when needed.
( She actually admitted that she liked the peace when he wasn't there)

Dozer · 05/04/2018 17:36

On family time, some people (myself included) strongly dislike “family outings” at weekends with tiny DC. Playgrounds, outdoors, whatever. Being honest about not enjoying stuff is fine. That doesn’t excuse not engaging with the DC though.

DH has always loved “outings” as a family, I feel very differently. I have often gone along for his and the DCs’ sake and made an effort, and sometimes done something alone instead. There are different ways to parent and engage with DC. The problem here seems to be that the H isn’t doing his share of parenting.

GemmaB78 · 05/04/2018 17:37

As others have said, if you are getting equal time, sharing responsibilities at home and have sacrosanct family time, you absolutely can have time consuming hobbies, but you have to be explicit about expectations and ensure they are met.

Both my husband and I had time consuming hobbies (him=cycling, me=horse) prior to our son being born. We have both cut back on time spent, but still maintain them to a level we are relatively happy with. We share household and family responsibilities, and ensure that as much as possible, Saturday afternoons are ringfenced to spend together.

Both parties have to be prepared to compromise and be proactive about finding a middle ground. Otherwise one will be left feeling taken for granted and resentful.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread