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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter has the whole family blocked on her Instagram

153 replies

tennismum17 · 05/04/2018 10:37

(sorry if my English is bad it's my second) My daughter is 11 years old and in year 7. She, like all my other children, has an Instagram and a SnapChat account. ( I agreed to having all my children have Instagram as long as they use the 'private' feature ).
Recently, it has come to my attention that I had been blocked :(. I found out because I got suspicious that I could not see any of her pictures on my feed - I asked her if she had deleted her account and she said no. She said that she just didn't feel like posting anymore.
I shrugged it off at first but then I noticed that when my youngest son(8) was looking at her profile there were new pictures that I had not seen before. I thought it was just a glitch so I went to her profile and it said 'user not found'. My oldest son(15) said that it meant that I'd been blocked 😢.
I confronted her about this and she got upset; she said it was normal for a girl her age to have privacy and that all of her friends had their parents blocked.
My oldest son came to me and said that he'd been blocked by her too, so had my oldest daughter(12). I asked my husband if he could see her pictures and he said no.
So now the only family member that wasn't blocked was the youngest. I asked him to show me whenever she posted a new picture and he did. He also showed me her Instagram stories and there was nothing too strange - she was posting the same kinda stuff she posted before I was blocked. 🤔
When she found out about the youngest showing me the posts she got angry with him and blocked him too.
So... right now I'm don't know what to do because I have no way of seeing what she is posting. I'm know that she is not a dirty girl she would not post anything inappropriate, swearing or anything like that BUT I'd still like to be able to see what she posts. I can also see where she is coming from and I DO think that my children deserve privacy. I just want to find some sort of middle-ground.

So AIBU if I expect my 11 year old daughter to keep me unblocked on all her social media?

P.S: I also need to see their posts to see the comments underneath, I want to make sure there is nothing mean being said.

OP posts:
Mumofkids · 05/04/2018 10:41

I know it sounds a bit over the top but she shouldn't have Instagram until she's 13. If you are going to let her you should insist you can see her posts of delete it. I'm sure she's not doing anything wrong but my daughter ended up horrifically bullied on Instagram at 12 via the messaging groups. I'd be quite firm about how she uses it. They grow so fast.

TabbyMumz · 05/04/2018 10:41

Take her phone off her. You are the adult here.

Sitranced · 05/04/2018 10:41

It's aged restricted to 13 and above. So other than your eldest son, none of them should be using it.

Glumglowworm · 05/04/2018 10:43

She’s 11, of course you should have access to her social media!

There needs to be consequences for her refusal, primarily getting rid of social media and confiscating whatever device she’s using to access it

BishopBrennansArse · 05/04/2018 10:44

My eldest is the only one with social media now and he's 14. He's had it a couple of years and the understanding has been I'm on all his accounts. Blocking would lead to him losing access to any device required to access social media.

I don't check his phone as much now he's older but I did for the first couple of years and he knows I might randomly check at any time if I feel it's necessary.

IMissGin · 05/04/2018 10:44

11year olds don’t all have Snapchat and instagram.. or even smart phones! And you say the youngest does too? Put your foot down and revoke this access from your children.

Also the phase ‘not a dirty girl’ gave me the heebie jeebies

villageshop · 05/04/2018 10:45

'I'm know that she is not a dirty girl she would not post anything inappropriate, swearing or anything like that'

It's not about being a 'dirty girl' (not a nice term, I know English is your 2nd language but no girl is dirty).

It's all about hormones. At 11 she probably won't post anything inappropriate but at 13 she might.

I think 11 is too young for an Instagram account and at 13 - 16 permissible only on the condition her posts are visible to you.

AgentProvocateur · 05/04/2018 10:46

Agree with the others - there’s an age limit for a reason, and by blocking you all she’s shown that she’s too immature for any social media. Also, “dirty girl” is quite an unpleasant label to give any girl.

freakydeakydo · 05/04/2018 10:47

imissgin

English isn't the OP's first language as she stated. You know what she means.

OP, I'd take the phone off her. She's too young t be unsupervised on these things.

RunMummyRun68 · 05/04/2018 10:49

If there were some 'mean comments' posted.....what would you do about them?

1Wanda1 · 05/04/2018 10:49

I let my DD have Instagram at age 12 on the same sort of terms you have given your DD. Shortly after that, I found out that she had a second Instagram account which was not private, had over 1000 followers (many of whom were men with very questionable Instagram pages of their own), and on which I was blocked.

I got a friend to follow this account for a couple of days, then confronted DD about it. She said the same things as your DD. She simply did not understand that the things she was posting were appealing to sexually predatory adult men interested in young girls. "All my friends do it", etc.

I took her phone off her for a month and now I know her phone pin code and can look at her accounts any time.

As another poster said: you are the adult here. It's our job as parents to help DC understand internet safety.

BoucleJacket · 05/04/2018 10:50

Social media shouldn't even be part of an 11 year olds life but sadly there are lots of pre-teens using it.

I'll get flamed for this but I don't even think pre-teens need a mobile phone other than a cheap basic one in event of emergencies.

And also I know that she is not a dirty girl ... ?

Norma27 · 05/04/2018 10:51

My 11 yr old year 7 daughter is not allowed Instagram or any social media. Definitely not all have it.

pinkhorse · 05/04/2018 10:52

You should definitely be on all her accounts at age 11 if you want her to have it at all. I thought social media was age 13 and over.

Mydoghatesthebath · 05/04/2018 10:53

Give her a choice. She either unblocks you or she looses her phone.

She’s s child and you are that parent so go parent.

And really what is anyone at 11 or certainly younger doing on instagram.

Take back control

Snowjoker · 05/04/2018 10:54

If she blocks you, you block her (by taking the phone). Simple.
She will tell you every other 11 year old on the planet does this, but it's not true! Be strong.

Sirzy · 05/04/2018 10:54

She either unblocks you or she has no unsupervised Internet access until she shows she is mature enough. I wouldn’t give an inch on that one.

Kerberos · 05/04/2018 10:54

I have a 12 year old with instagram. Its terrifying but the only way I've come to terms with it is I have immediate and total access to her phone on demand. She knows it's gone if I find anything I'm not happy with.

Addy2 · 05/04/2018 10:54

You can report a user as underage using the form linked to on :

help.instagram.com/290666591035380

However, they have to reasonably verify that she is under 13, so may not action it. For that reason, I second PPA above and advise you to remove access to the technology she is using to access it. Give her a camera-less phone so she can't pay pics from her phone to the site.

MrsJayy · 05/04/2018 10:55

Agree with everybody else you having access to her social media is part of the conditions of having social media and she really has to be 13 to use it,take her phone delete it all and let her wait a couple of years if she refuses to be responsible with it.

Addy2 · 05/04/2018 10:55

*post, not pay

Commuterface · 05/04/2018 10:57

Stop being so naive and start acting like a parent! How on earth do you think it is ok for children to be accessing social media?

ShotsFired · 05/04/2018 10:57

@BishopBrennansArse I don't check his phone as much now he's older but I did for the first couple of years and he knows I might randomly check at any time if I feel it's necessary.

This seems to be a good and fair compromise between slowly extending the freedom of (young) adulthood and maintaining their safety online. Also I expect no parents really wants to be permanently monitoring the drivel teens post all day Wink

OP you need to tell your daughter that until you can trust her, she won't have any social media, and when she does again, that YOU will choose to monitor her as and when YOU want to. Any blocking = immediate confiscation again.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/04/2018 10:58

She either unblocks you or you confiscate her phone. You should also know the pin number of password to her phone and all her social media accounts.

vdbfamily · 05/04/2018 10:58

My 11 year old set herself up on several social media platforms without our knowledge. When I recently found out I checked her posts and was shocked at the launguage evryone was using and that the chat was all about who fancied who and also how much each of them hated themselves for being too fat or ugly etc. We took her phone away and have deleted all the accounts. She has to wait until she is year 8. But it is like we have taken her life away as that is how all her friends communicate and plan things. I do feel sad for her but also want to protact her from the madness of it all. We are now checking her phone regularly as initially she re joined Instagram almost immediately and had to have phone removed again. There is so much pressure on these poor kids and social media is the worst of it.