Daughter has the whole family blocked on her Instagram

[tennismum17]

(sorry if my English is bad it's my second) My daughter is 11 years old and in year 7. She, like all my other children, has an Instagram and a SnapChat account. ( I agreed to having all my children have Instagram as long as they use the 'private' feature ).
Recently, it has come to my attention that I had been blocked :(. I found out because I got suspicious that I could not see any of her pictures on my feed - I asked her if she had deleted her account and she said no. She said that she just didn't feel like posting anymore.
I shrugged it off at first but then I noticed that when my youngest son(8) was looking at her profile there were new pictures that I had not seen before. I thought it was just a glitch so I went to her profile and it said 'user not found'. My oldest son(15) said that it meant that I'd been blocked 😢.
I confronted her about this and she got upset; she said it was normal for a girl her age to have privacy and that all of her friends had their parents blocked.
My oldest son came to me and said that he'd been blocked by her too, so had my oldest daughter(12). I asked my husband if he could see her pictures and he said no.
So now the only family member that wasn't blocked was the youngest. I asked him to show me whenever she posted a new picture and he did. He also showed me her Instagram stories and there was nothing too strange - she was posting the same kinda stuff she posted before I was blocked. 🤔
When she found out about the youngest showing me the posts she got angry with him and blocked him too.
So... right now I'm don't know what to do because I have no way of seeing what she is posting. I'm know that she is not a dirty girl she would not post anything inappropriate, swearing or anything like that BUT I'd still like to be able to see what she posts. I can also see where she is coming from and I DO think that my children deserve privacy. I just want to find some sort of middle-ground.

So AIBU if I expect my 11 year old daughter to keep me unblocked on all her social media?

P.S: I also need to see their posts to see the comments underneath, I want to make sure there is nothing mean being said.

I agree with everyone else. Either she unblocks you, or she deletes the account and has her access to all social media removed until she's old enough and mature enough not to try and hide it from you.

Its non-negotiable with both my children. I have access to EVERYTHING they do online at all times.

My dd is nearly 13, and has had Instagram for nearly a year. If she blocked me, I would ask her to delete the app from her phone. At that age, they cannot insist on a right to privacy on social media.

I keep quite a close eye on what she is doing online - not just from my own phone but on hers as well. I've discovered that it's very common for kids to have second or third accounts that are hidden from their parents. Thankfully, I don't think dd has felt the need to do this, but she is quite independent-minded and doesn't seem to feel the need to follow the crowd.

OP, I think you need to let your dd know that there isn't an option for privacy at this stage. If she wants to keep her phone and her Instagram account, she needs to accept that you will monitor it.

The thing is they have smart phones so its just a few swipes and they are signed up for this that and the other, when mine were that age it was just the Pc in the livingroom I sound ancient but I don't envy parents these days it sounds a total nightmare

DS is 14 & I insist I have all his passwords to social media accounts.

Only this weekend I discovered he & two girls from school had been private messaging a stranger (Ds initially mistook the person for someone at school wit the same name as they knew certain information & they were already a”friend” of two schoolfriends.

He has now blocked him & tried to warn the girls (some of the things this person is saying is a bit disturbing) but the girls are urging him to unblock this person & one actually said I don’t need to be careful. He only wants to be friends. Meet ups were mentioned.

Their parents have no idea.

I am on the Safeguarding team at our school and the percentage of cases we have that involve Social Media in some form is very high, FB not so much now as it is simply not used by teens much anymore, but Instagram, Snapchat, Whatsapp etc, and then getting into the darker side of Social Media - like Kik, Yellow, YikYak.

Y7s simply shouldn't be anywhere near this stuff.

It's a nightmare for parents and safeguarding staff, as soon as we learn about what is going on with one platform, it all moves to a new one.

God Bookwitch that sounds like bloody hard work kids are so savvy that parents must be 3 steps behind them it is very worrying

Agree with the others. She gives you full access or you take away the phone.

You also need to have a serious chat with her about internet safety. Find some age-appropriate resources but start talking to her now about the dangers out there and keep reinforcing it as she grows up.

Kids assume we are prying wanting to ruin their fun but majority of adults just want them to be safe online and that is what is difficult to get through to them

Well you take her off social media and take her smart phone away, as she cannot behave appropriately online. Full stop. No debate.

You are the grown up. She is a child. She needs supervision online. And that’s it really. You cannot just step back and wrong your hands and let her go off completely unsupervised and unsafe online, saying ‘well she blocked us’, because she shouldn’t have that power, and as she has massively overstepped the mark, you take back control straight away.,

By the way, it just is NOT true that all child have snap chat and instagram etc. Most teenagers have a social media presence which is supervised by their parents at first. But children? No! I am very surprised your 8 yr old seems to have all these accounts as well as the disorient 11yr old, (and 12 and 15 yr old). It’s very unusual for an 8 yr old to have these accounts.

It’s obviously up to you how you decide to parent your children, but please don’t give them access to such adult social media platform just because you wrongly believe ‘everybody does it’ etc, because it’s not true, whatever your children might tell you!!!

If you are going to give them such young and premature access to social media platforms, please make sure you understand how to use the platform very well yourself and you supervise your children whilst they’re using it. You can’t know what and where they are unless you know how to use these things yourself... they may look like they’re safe in your living room, so it lulls you into a false sense of security, but if they have free and unsupervised access to the internet, they could be anywhere, talking to anyone, and getting into real life danger.

She is only 11 op, take charge, confiscate her phone, delete the apps, and leave her with just the telephone. Put parental controls on it so she has no access to the Internet.

Even the police say you should monitor any social media of your child.

Maybe watch this video and then think about showing your daughter. Kayleigh Haywood was 15, so older and smarter than your 11 year old but was groomed, raped and murdered in the space of 13 days. That is shorter than the Easter break we are on.The men convicted had groomed other children.

Children believe they are smarter than they are, and think they are able to handle stuff they can't. They are children. Take her phone off her, ban her from all other tech until she understands the importance of this.

And yes I have children this age, I have a 15 and a 12 year old. I also volunteer in a school, bullying takes place on social media, way more than is reported by the child or parents.

I'd say she either unblocks you or you take the phone away

I think she's too young to be on Instagram or any social media for that matter.

My niece was about 13 when she got a facebook account and it was under the condition that she adds all the family as friends, gives us her password for us to check private messages and that if we see any inappropriate content then we will disable her account or report it to facebook for it to be closed down.

My advice would be to tell her the same.. the IG account is a privilege for her, since its technically breaking their terms of service as she's too young anyway. If she can't follow the rules then she loses the account. Simple as that.

If that fails as well, you should be able to block certain websites from certain devices on your home router (so you can block your daughters phone only from accessing IG) but that won't stop her using her own contract or pay as you go data on the phone to access it. Only when she's on the wifi.

My 11 year old has instagram. I not only can see his account, I log into his account to see what he's doing on it.

Her friends only think they have privacy. Eleven year old children do not get online privacy.

And I'm sure all the "She's eleven, not thirteen she shouldn't have it" people kept their children in the recommended clothing sizes and reading groups regardless of the size and maturity of their children too, but people with actual school year seven, eleven year old children do allow instagram, they just police it heavily.

Even children say that Snapchat is for 13yrs+...

www.net-aware.org.uk/networks/snapchat/

Oops sorry, I meant 12yrs +, it’s Snapchat that says 13+...

I'd remove her device. You have as much responsibility to protect her online than in person. I'd see it as she's broken your trust.

DS is 12 and has been told that there's no way he's getting Instagram, snap-chat etc. until the approved age of 13. You're the adult, just do what's necessary - phone confiscated until everything unlocked and visible, and even better don't let your DCs have stuff that they're not the right age for.

I agree that 11 is too young for social media accounts. However, everyone should recognise that teenagers do have a right to privacy. They may be your children; they are not your property. Teach them internet safety; keep communication open; direct them to sensible advice and make sure they know they can tell you if something is worrying them, but recognise that (for this generation) social media is a bit like a diary. They will sometimes want to vent about stuff including you. If you are going to snoop into everything they post online, you had better be mature enough not to have a big tanty if they post 'My mum is such a cunt sometimes' after you have told them to tidy their room or whatever. The more you meddle and pry, the less they can trust you.

If she has blocked you and her family then she obviously intends to post, at some point, something that you wouldn't approve of or allow. For that reason I would say she shouldn't be allowed an Instagram account. I would remove the devices that she uses to post because if she is prepared to block you it's quite likely that when you demand access she will set up a second account that she will keep hidden from you instead.

A friend shared this today and it feels relevant. Does she use any of the other apps?

Privacy means you don't get to read her diary or open her post. It does not mean an 11yo gets to have a social media profile you're blocked from.

By the way, for your older teenager, I think, these types of video are quite helpful for you maybe? It shows ways to discuss social media and teach in a positive way about online presence, rather than just policing it and supervising which is more for the younger teens:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=uGr-us8N8D4

Does her younger (8yo) sibling have Instagram too? Why does a child so young have an account?

As the others say, you need to remove her phone if she's not going to abide by rules like letting you see her profile.

I have my DS's passwords for all of his SM accounts and will do until he is 16. I also follow him and have him as a friend on all accounts. He is fine with this and knows that if I don't have access to check then his phone/iPad and laptop are taken away. I don't go through all of his messages or check every detail on his accounts but they are all on private and I have a look to see who he has added (so who can access his pictures and posts) to make sure there is nobody dodgy on there. He also knows that if I saw a message that didn't sit right with me then I would read them and call him up on it (haven't needed to do this yet). His friends don't have parents that do this and yes he did get a bit of stick for it at first but his friends aren't my responsibility and if their parents let them get up to god knows what on the internet that isn't on me!

OP your DD shouldnt have any SM until she is 13 and when she does it needs to be closely monitored, it's your job as a parent to keep your child safe and that includes online too, although I am fully aware that most parents just turn a blind eye and let them do what they like and then act shocked when porn is being watched and sexual messages are being sent.

OP, could you make a fake account for yourself you can try and friend her with?

@MrsHathaway - I did not know about the IG messages disappearing after the convo has been left! And some of those other apps are going to give me nightmares. My DD is only 4. I'm dreading all of this to come.