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AIBU?

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Original poster

Daughter has the whole family blocked on her Instagram

153 replies

tennismum17 · 05/04/2018 10:37

(sorry if my English is bad it's my second) My daughter is 11 years old and in year 7. She, like all my other children, has an Instagram and a SnapChat account. ( I agreed to having all my children have Instagram as long as they use the 'private' feature ).
Recently, it has come to my attention that I had been blocked :(. I found out because I got suspicious that I could not see any of her pictures on my feed - I asked her if she had deleted her account and she said no. She said that she just didn't feel like posting anymore.
I shrugged it off at first but then I noticed that when my youngest son(8) was looking at her profile there were new pictures that I had not seen before. I thought it was just a glitch so I went to her profile and it said 'user not found'. My oldest son(15) said that it meant that I'd been blocked 😢.
I confronted her about this and she got upset; she said it was normal for a girl her age to have privacy and that all of her friends had their parents blocked.
My oldest son came to me and said that he'd been blocked by her too, so had my oldest daughter(12). I asked my husband if he could see her pictures and he said no.
So now the only family member that wasn't blocked was the youngest. I asked him to show me whenever she posted a new picture and he did. He also showed me her Instagram stories and there was nothing too strange - she was posting the same kinda stuff she posted before I was blocked. 🤔
When she found out about the youngest showing me the posts she got angry with him and blocked him too.
So... right now I'm don't know what to do because I have no way of seeing what she is posting. I'm know that she is not a dirty girl she would not post anything inappropriate, swearing or anything like that BUT I'd still like to be able to see what she posts. I can also see where she is coming from and I DO think that my children deserve privacy. I just want to find some sort of middle-ground.

So AIBU if I expect my 11 year old daughter to keep me unblocked on all her social media?

P.S: I also need to see their posts to see the comments underneath, I want to make sure there is nothing mean being said.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 05/04/2018 15:55

What I am about to say is as a non parent so can safely be ignored if
you so wish.

Your DD is far too young to have access to these sites and I wouldn't be threatening to take away her mobile if she didn't unblock access, I would be removing her mobile immediately. But you must take some responsibility as the parent for allowing her to access Instagram or whatever it is in the first place, at far too young an age.

Parenting must be a nightmare these days with children desperate to access all this social media but they should be protected from it until they are old enough to deal with it and the bottom line is that is the responsibility of the parent.

VileyRose · 05/04/2018 15:57

I think even 13 is too young. My 12 yr old is adamant all her friends have instagram but I wont budge.

colditz · 05/04/2018 16:13

Ask permission from an 11 year to parent them?
See this is part of the problem, people are scared to take control of their kids and the kids are dictating to parents at age 11.

Catagorically not what I said. Do you need me to use shorter words?

IncyWincyGrownUp · 05/04/2018 16:18

My 15 year old thinks it’s outrageous that she doesn’t have control of her iTunes password. I do. If she wants an app it gets researched and I say no she doesn’t get it. She doesn’t like it, but the alternative is no phone so she puts up with it.

ChickenMom · 05/04/2018 16:31

YANBU. I’d confiscate all phones/iPads until she reversed your blocking. It would be a condition that I can see everything for her to be on those things until she is 18.

Quietlife1979 · 05/04/2018 16:39

viley I suspect they do tbh. However my dad won’t be having it either

tiktok · 05/04/2018 17:23

Think your dad is probably old enough to make up his own mind, Quiet 😀😀😀

Seriously - OP has disappeared. She must have got the message by now Confused. She's done that irritating thing of not responding.

Fianceechickie · 05/04/2018 17:43

Sorry but I think you're totally in the wrong to let her have it to begin with at 11. She's now proved what you should have known, 11 year old should not have that sort of social media. It's very dangerous. Some of the stuff I hear about at work would make your hair curl. I'd be banning her from all social media for a good while and confiscating the phone too for a while.

WellThisIsShit · 05/04/2018 17:45

She’s probably shocked by the overwhelming replies!

CupofFrothyCoffee · 05/04/2018 17:55

colditz
Yes it is what you said.

Instead of demand, threaten and take back control, try ask, explain and open up channels of communication

Prancingonthevalentine · 05/04/2018 18:05

@poster CannaeBeErsed Please tell me how you do that! I have family sharing with ds iPad to iPad, but if he gets an iPhone what could I do?

colditz · 05/04/2018 18:17

CupOfFrothyCoffee, you are of course entitled to shriek, demand, order, take, rage and belittle your way through parenting all you want, but most people want children who don't join the armed forces at precisely 15 years and 9 months old, or get pregnant deliberately by the first man with his own flat, in a desperate attempt to escape that treatment, and therefore most people will try to find ways of parenting that don't involve behaving like the fucking Stasi.

You know damn well that asking for something is not asking permission for parenting and the fact that you have deliberately conflated the two says so very, very much more about your attitude to children (who are actually real people, not ambulatory possessions like dogs) than it says about the children you refer to.

Maedoula · 05/04/2018 18:30

I'd say... You are the parent, take some control and let her know that unfortunately being a mum means being responsible for her and social media is not very safe nowadays.

I'd say either she unblocked the family (especially you) or she won't have a social media account. She will look back one day and completely understand.

Quietlife1979 · 05/04/2018 18:39

There is a point when you can step in an make choices you know are for the better out come - especially for an 11 year old.

As a responsible parent you do t have to scream and shout but you can day ‘no’ or ‘no more’

The fact that some parents allow or expect 11 year old to make responsible decisions that some adults can’t even make is frankly ridiculous.

There is s middle ground. You can say no which our being a knob

Camdenlife33 · 05/04/2018 18:40

To the contrary I can actually see both sides of this. I am fairly young though (21) and grew up with social media being a constant aspect of life, especially at school, so I see it as a normal aspect of life

I understand from your perspective that you want to protect her and make sure she’s safe/appropriate online etc. She is really young and might not be mature enough for social media. However judging from your ‘dirty’ comment, I can’t help but wonder what your relationship with your daughter is like. My mum was controlling in a bad way, she didn’t want me to have an active social life and would get actually get jealous of me, so we were never close - her behaviour towards me was borderline creepy/stalking as she tried to interfere in every aspect of my life. In regards to social media she would comment on everything I posted (even WhatsApp display photo changes), stalk my friends, side eye any interaction with a male etc and constantly bring up my social media in person. So that’s why I blocked her - she was breathing down my neck

I’m not saying you’re like that at all, just that I can somewhat see why she wants privacy. Especially if you’re not close-close (as in mum-daughter relationship that can discuss everything like friends). I think as long as you explain to her that you only want access to look out for her she’ll be fine. But as a PP said, try not to comment on her stuff (online and in person) or be overly active as unfortunately, parents can be embarrassing to kids/teenagers - and that’s probably why she blocked you. I don’t think she’ll mind you seeing her page as there’s nothing inappropriate, it’s just that she wants a bit of space so you may need to be ‘invisible’.

Even my friends that are super close to their parents didn’t really start interacting with them on social media until we were a bit older (like 16-18+).

Wallywobbles · 05/04/2018 18:54

I use OurPact so I can also block their apps /phones for certain hours. We have kids aged 9,12,12,13. Their phones are in my name and in contracts I pay for. Until that changes I will be looking as and when necessary. As long as everybody knows the rules.

No phones after 7.30pm. No phones working at school etc.

BrendasUmbrella · 05/04/2018 18:54

I know English is your second language, but please don't use the term "dirty girl" about your child. Or any child. It's very offensive.

BishopBrennansArse · 05/04/2018 20:13

I don't have control of my kids' iTunes passwords but I do have the screen unlock pin.

For apps etc I have ask to buy enabled in family sharing. Any app or anything they want to have on their device has to be ok'd by a parent in the parent device or by the parent inputting their iTunes password. Hence when DD gets her phone she won't be able to get Facebook etc until I say.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 05/04/2018 20:31

Okay I'm going to be straight here.

I am 28 years old and we had internet when I was 10/11 but as my parents didn't grow up with it they didn't understand much about it. I wasn't really monitored.

I came across some real weirdos just playing online mini golf and card games.

I had a few questionable people I webcam'd with on MSN. A lot of it is quite shameful.

I wasn't a bad girl or anything (not that that's a thing) but I liked to believe in the good of people and take them at their word.

Adults know a lot more about the internet than my parents did.

It's great to have a cool relationship with your kids but you ultimately have to parent them. They need boundaries so they don't get stuck, just like a car on a dirt track.

Please look out for your children. I would hate for your daughter or other children to be bullied or groomed just because you wanted to be there friend.

I am saying this with kindness. 💐

lolalotta · 05/04/2018 21:23

Well said Not Another

CupofFrothyCoffee · 05/04/2018 23:08

colditz

you are of course entitled to shriek, demand, order, take, rage and belittle your way through parenting all you want, but most people want children who don't join the armed forces at precisely 15 years and 9 months old, or get pregnant deliberately by the first man with his own flat, in a desperate attempt to escape that treatment, and therefore most people will try to find ways of parenting that don't involve behaving like the fucking Stasi

What on earth are you talking about? You are literally the only person on this thread talking of 'shrieking','rage' and 'demanding'. Damn right I would demand my 11yo go by my rules to ensure their safety...No 'shrieking' involved. Your post is very odd, but hey, you do it your way and I'll do it my way.

Member984815 · 06/04/2018 08:19

Shouldn't be on any social media at that age isn't 13 the age you have to be and I'd still be checking up until they are 16. When my daughter went on Facebook at 13 I regularly checked it and read messages with her permission . 11 is too young for that amount of freedom

WellThisIsShit · 06/04/2018 11:03

Very true NotAnother, your post reminds me of that awful and very extreme case that they’ve just successfully prosecuted of ‘hurtcore’. I’m not going to link because it’s actually too distressing, but it involved innocent kids, and teenagers rapidly getting in too deep and being lured into making innocent mistakes that were then used against them as blackmail to force them into doing ever more awful things, and the kids, being kids, didn’t know how to get out of it or how to make it stop... so for some of those poor kids and teens, it got very bad indeed. Thank God this particular bunch of sick people got caught, and the hell stopped for these particular children, but I suspect the authorities just scratched the surface with who they caught.

It’s utterly terrifying. And what makes it so scary, is that these kids just made the kind of stupid mistake that kids make on the internet when they don’t have enough adult guidance (or even when they do sometimes). So, sending a photo on Snapchat that didn’t get deleted as they thought it would, that kind of thing.

I don’t ever join in the ridiculous stranger danger ‘paedo on every corner’ paranoia in real life. But, on the internet, you just can’t throw your kids in and pretend it’s all nicey nice and full of lovely people doing lovely things.

So, you have to protect your children, and the best way to do that is to know what they are doing, chat to them, join in, and keep very aware...

joliejoleen · 06/04/2018 13:13

As a secondary school teacher, I beg you - check your children's phones, keep tabs on their internet use! You wouldn't believe the stuff I get shown by my tutees... Sad

Mamawingingit1234 · 07/04/2018 00:25

OP I think everyone has covered that you need her to unblock you in she wants to keep her accounts and that you need to monitor her online activity but what few have touched on is that she purposely lied to you more than once. She was sneaky by blocking you, your husband (her dad?), older brother and then younger brother when she found out he was allowing (ALLOWING!!!!) you to view her profile. That in my books in disrespectful and completely unacceptable. If this was my DD she would be in trouble for lying to me and being so sneaky about it