Daughter has the whole family blocked on her Instagram

[tennismum17]

(sorry if my English is bad it's my second) My daughter is 11 years old and in year 7. She, like all my other children, has an Instagram and a SnapChat account. ( I agreed to having all my children have Instagram as long as they use the 'private' feature ).
Recently, it has come to my attention that I had been blocked :(. I found out because I got suspicious that I could not see any of her pictures on my feed - I asked her if she had deleted her account and she said no. She said that she just didn't feel like posting anymore.
I shrugged it off at first but then I noticed that when my youngest son(8) was looking at her profile there were new pictures that I had not seen before. I thought it was just a glitch so I went to her profile and it said 'user not found'. My oldest son(15) said that it meant that I'd been blocked 😢.
I confronted her about this and she got upset; she said it was normal for a girl her age to have privacy and that all of her friends had their parents blocked.
My oldest son came to me and said that he'd been blocked by her too, so had my oldest daughter(12). I asked my husband if he could see her pictures and he said no.
So now the only family member that wasn't blocked was the youngest. I asked him to show me whenever she posted a new picture and he did. He also showed me her Instagram stories and there was nothing too strange - she was posting the same kinda stuff she posted before I was blocked. 🤔
When she found out about the youngest showing me the posts she got angry with him and blocked him too.
So... right now I'm don't know what to do because I have no way of seeing what she is posting. I'm know that she is not a dirty girl she would not post anything inappropriate, swearing or anything like that BUT I'd still like to be able to see what she posts. I can also see where she is coming from and I DO think that my children deserve privacy. I just want to find some sort of middle-ground.

So AIBU if I expect my 11 year old daughter to keep me unblocked on all her social media?

P.S: I also need to see their posts to see the comments underneath, I want to make sure there is nothing mean being said.

If you are going to allow children that age to have Instagram accounts, @tennismum17, then you have to be the parent and set the rules.

You have to tell her that, unless she unblocks you, she will not be allowed to have the Instagram account any more. If she refuses, you take her phone away.

youre the parent so start parenting

she either unblocks you or doesnt have a phone

She’s 11, she shouldn’t have social media

i'm so glad that when i was 11, 12 etc this wasnt around. complete nightmare. likesomeone else in th thread said - it was all on a desktop computer. no apps.i really, really feel for pre-teens and teens growing up with all of this about. i feel like it almost robs childhoods in a way. we used to play out in the street after school, with bouncy balls, skipping ropes, things like that. that was even after primary school. plpayed out til the sun went down, in high school. fields, a quite village street with no cars going down the lane, friends, sunshine, being physically active, having fun. then i moved schools and everything changed bu that's not what the thread is about. i had innocence until i was 13 and for that i'm so grateful. it sounds like a minefield. how are you meant to know what to do? OP, i feel like there should be some kind of awareness classes or guidance for parents. good luck in getting it sorted.

Agree with other posters she is 11 and a child and you are the parent. If she is going to get privileges such as access to smart phone tablet etc she needs to stick to the rules you set for their use. Common rules are: you have access to all her social media accounts or she doesn't have them. They all have private settings. She doesn't accept friend requests from strangers general rule of thumb would be if you wouldn't stop for a chat when you bump into them on the street they're not your friend in real life so not online either. Don't chat with strangers online. As a parent it is important to have researched all the apps they have access to, play them yourself get familiar with them have conversations about them. The more open and non judgemental you are about their online use the more open they are likely to be with you and therefore more likely to come to you if something is bothering them.

Sorry - posted too soon.

If she says that 'all her friends' have blocked their parents from their Instagram accounts, your answer is that, even if this IS the case (because children do exaggerate this sort of thing - 'everyone else is allowed to play 18 rated games/take an iPhone to school etc - you know the sort of thing) you are not their friends' parent, but you are hers, and your rules apply in your family, no matter what rules other parents choose to apply.

I did not know about the IG messages disappearing after the convo has been left! And some of those other apps are going to give me nightmares. My DD is only 4. I'm dreading all of this to come.

I haven't fact checked the poster myself but the friend who shared it is reliable and has teenagers - I am confident she will have looked it up.

My eldest is on the brink of this (likely to get his first mobile in the next six months, starting to engage in chat etc with his actual friends online) and yes we check continually that they're his actual real life friends that we know, and he has the conversations on speaker rather than through headphones/text chat so we can eavesdrop, etc. But you're right, it's completely terrifying.

She's 11! This is too young. It's not so much what she is posting, but she can search for and find pictures of anything on Instagram. She is soooo impressionable at this age and things she could see could really affect her for life. You can say No to your children. It is allowed and they need boundaries. They need parents to parent.

For goodness sake, who's in charge here? Take the phone off her until she can go by your rules, sounds like you're going by her rules. 11 if far too young for social media anyway imo.

She’s 11. She doesn’t get to block you from her Instagram (or even to have an account in the first place) unless you allow her to.

I’m all for allowing children privacy and their own private lives, but that doesn’t extend to the internet at the age of 11, which is simply dangerous.

i hold the passwords for my DC social media, so they know i can go on and check any time, those are the rules in my house

She’s too young. Access or accounts are deleted and she can lose the smartphone.

My 11 year old has no social media and knows that there is no chance until he is 13. Absolutely no good can come from a child having any social media account. They and their peers have no idea how to use it responsibly so it's an accident waiting to happen.

nope not until shes older does she get to dictate on this.ok as an adult you might get to the point you don't want mum seein you stuf.ive had that but equally it has made me think of what I post sometimes so its worked for the good too.
but never mind that at her age and being under age to even have an account she needs to be able to show you everything.anytime.strict.no bullshit its that or not at all.
tell her she can have astrop and hate you for a while but on this there is no margins,she does as shes told as you are being lenient enough to even allow her one.
and id wonder why shes deleted you all.it is innocent enough for girls to become more private from parents.but shutting the whole family out....that sparks hiding something to me.or at least doing things she knows her family wont fit in well with.

Have her phone off her and explain that she isn't old enough to have these things without parental checks, and that quite frankly you couldn't care less what her friends "all do" (I bet most of them don't have their parents blocked!) because you're not their parent, you're hers and you care about her safety.
I agree that she absolutely shouldn't be on SM without parental checks either.

You should demand to be unblocked or threaten to not let her have instagram. Its for her safety

With social media there is a real problem with young teens in particular being persuaded to send naked pics of themselves to (online or actual) boyfriends / girlfriends. Many of dds friends have also apparently received a number of unsolicited penis-pics. If the child is under age it is actually an offence to send or receive such pics. If you pay the bill it is you to whom the police will want to talk first of all.

A lot of teens (sadly/ exasperatingly including mine) post pouty or otherwise pics taken in front of mirrors in their bedroom / bathroom etc. If their location services are turned on then whoever has access to the pics can find where the person posting lives. Something of interest not just to potential paedophiles but also burglars etc……

Also have a look at the terms and conditions of the various social media providers. Most have a condition stating that you grant permission for them to use any of the pics posted for whatever purpose they wish.…another reason to gently monitor what is posted.

My dd is 15yrs and knows that whilst I continue to pay the bill I can “demand” access to any of her social media accounts. The only one I regularly check is Instagram and I have required her to take down photos I deemed inappropriate and also to ask a friend to take down a pic of my dd which I also deemed inappropriate (happily the friend complied or I would have spoken to her parents).

I still feel I am two steps behind what is going on but am trying my best to keep my dd safe yet not cut off from the main way kids seem to communicate with each other. If anyone has any foolproof ways of dealing with this then let me know……

English isn't the OP's first language as she stated.

I am allergic to the English isn't the OP's first language as an excuse to post idiotic things like using phrases "dirty girl".
This has nothing to do with someone's mother tongue or the lack of language skills. It's judgmental and moralistic and it looks ridiculous, considering the OP's absolute lack of control over her children's social media presence.
She's too young to have a social media account with no supervision from her family. At 11, she has no right to use the "privacy" argument when it comes to the internet. She and especially her parents would benefit from a course on social media presence and safety to avoid this kind of issues and her social media accounts (which currently don't comply with the FB and Instagram age restrictions anyway) should be monitored.
I find the wide-spread acceptance of the presence of very young people on the social media with no restrictions and no strict control exercised by their parents absolutely unbelievable and asinine.
You wouldn't let your 11 year old go to a party and stay there whole night, in a night club, with no supervision, . But you let her have an account where she can go and block people without any thought. Ridiculous.

"demand"
"threaten"
"take back control"

fucking hell, she's an eleven year old girl, not an international terrorist

As a parent and step parent to kids older than this, I would advise that "demand", "threaten" and "control" are words that adolescents do not accept. And yes, we CAN make them do what we want with blunt force and removal of everything they value - and two years later, they find a nice older man who just GIVES them what they want, because he 'loves' them.

be very careful with adolescents that you are teaching the lessons you think you're teaching, and not just backing them into a corner where they will perceive they have little choice but to lie to you to get what they think they need.

Instead of demand, threaten and take back control, try ask, explain and open up channels of communication

Ok it’s a deal not a threat then. “I will let you have Instagram (and pay for phone/WiFi) and in return you will give me access to it for safety reasons”.
The way forward can’t be to give unlimited freedom to an 11 year old. (Which in itself gives her more chance to meet the kind of creep Colditz refers to!)

My youngesrt had a FB account when she was 7 and just added friends from primary school.I think she had security settings high.What i found horrifying was that strangers could and often did message something innocuous like 'hello there little girl' I guess trying to draw her into conversation.

Your youngest DS is 8 and he has his own instagram?

My youngesrt had a FB account when she was 7 and just added friends from primary school.I think she had security settings high

I'm sorry but this just makes me go cold, particularly the bit about "you THINK". I cannot fathom why you would allow this and why you are putting the onus on a 7 year old to set security settings!

My DD is 6 and we recently had a letter reminding parents about the correct ages for social media accounts. School are trying to teach e-safety and along come dim witted parents to destroy the good work. My mind actually boggles.

Instead of demand, threaten and take back control, try ask, explain and open up channels of communication

Ask permission from an 11 year to parent them?
See this is part of the problem, people are scared to take control of their kids and the kids are dictating to parents at age 11.

@5plusMeAndHim

That is just wrong, and I really hope its a wind up.
By the way.. if she was getting messages from random strangers then her privacy settings were definitely NOT set to high. FB's highest security settings prevent anyone from seeing your profile/pics/info if you haven't added them as a friend first.