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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD? I'm hiding in the toilets sobbing .

99 replies

EndOfTheTrack · 04/04/2018 20:19

I'm at work and have locked myself in the toilets crying because I'm at my wits end with exhaustion and pain .

I have a chronic illness which causes me debilitating tiredness - I can't describe the feeling , it's horrific being so tired you can barely talk .

I've also got bladder issues which means I'm running to the toilet all day , sometimes wetting myself and it's painful . It wears me out.

My boss is tiring of my constant on and off absence . I can't bear the thought of coming out of the toilets and continuing until 10pm . I'm so so so tired .

I feel like I'm at the end of the line . It's been one health issue after another for years because I'm pushing myself through every day.

My boss has been very accommodating and I've had every adjustment possible but nothing stems the exhaustion as it's a part of my illness .

I'm due to have bladder surgery in a few months and I know I'll be so ill again from the operation.

I don't know what to do . I'm in a cycle of work , sick , work , sick .

I can't go on like this Sad

I have 3 young children , one of which has SN and I don't have the energy to cope . My marriage is on the rocks as I don't have the energy for my husband .

I don't see anybody or go anywhere , most of my free time is spent in bed recovering .

I'm shattered and snappy and irritable . Life is passing me by Sad

I think I need to resign ; but I'll then be reliant on benefits and it terrifies me .

Talk me out of the toilets please Sad

OP posts:
fairypuff · 04/04/2018 20:21

Flowers for you OP. I don't have any words of wisdom but didn't want to read and run. Someone will be along with advice for you if I know MN at all!
Sending you virtual hugs.

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 04/04/2018 20:21

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. All I can suggest is to phone Citizens advice for some suggestions.

LaurieF · 04/04/2018 20:22

Oh lovely Flowers for you. Take a deep breath, repeat to yourself "I am a strong, able and confident woman and I can bloody well do this" There's not too long to go now, only 90 minutes. I've been where you are so many times over the past year with anxiety making my life he'll, in that awful cycle of sickness and work and sickness and work. Speak to your boss about getting Occ Health involved if they aren't already x

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 04/04/2018 20:22

In the morning I mean. Sorry. For tonight here’s an internet hug from someone who’s also cried in work toilets.

MadisonMontgomery · 04/04/2018 20:23

The only thing I can think of is seeing if you could be signed off sick until you have your operation if you aren’t fit to be at work in the meantime.

PrancingQueen · 04/04/2018 20:23

Oh OP, you poor thing.
It sounds horrendous. It really does sound that you need to out of the workforce at the moment to concentrate on getting as well as possible.

Does your husband work? Will he support you?

Windthebloodybobbinup · 04/04/2018 20:24

Shit. I’m really sorry to hear that. I haven’t got any advice really but I know what it’s like to feel that you have nothing left to give and are about to break. Maybe the people in your life and work are kinder than you think and appreciate the contributions you are able to make.

Onceuponatimethen · 04/04/2018 20:25

Op I know what it’s like to have a child with Sen so I’m in awe that you are dealing with illness and working on Top of that Flowers

ScreamingValenta · 04/04/2018 20:26
Flowers

I probably can't suggest anything you haven't thought of, but would a temporary reduction in your hours be an option?

You say that quitting would make you reliant on benefits - would quitting free up your husband to work any extra hours?

If on/off absence is causing an issue, would it be worth asking your GP to sign you off for a single, longer period?

Do you have support from any other family besides your DH who might be able to help with childcare?

Is there anyone at work you can talk to now about how you're feeling ?

LittleOwl153 · 04/04/2018 20:27

Would it help to reduce your hours temporarily? (Or would that stuff you financially or put your job at risk anyway?)

But in the meantime yes it is only 90mins, get through it as best you can and plan something nice when you get home - a nice hot choc or whatever you tipple perhaps? Also if you have 3 kids and one is SN then your husband would be doing more. Sit him down and explain where you are at and work out between you what you need to do going forward.

123fushia · 04/04/2018 20:27

Take a deep breath. Do what you need to in the loo. Breathe again and wash your hands slowly and gently in warm water - use soap and smell the perfume if you can. Not long to go now before you can go home. Don't talk to anyone unless about work. Keep yourself to yourself. Be polite and work hard. When you get home you can try to relax and have a good think about tomorrow and the future. If work is compounding your anxiety, it may be time to move on. Breathe in.....breathe out......move on. Sending you my love x

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 04/04/2018 20:27

Oh op Flowers I wish I could give you a real hug right now.

Is there any way you could get some time off work. Just to regroup. Have you seen your gp (obviously about all the other stuff) but just to talk about how you're feeling emotionally and how drained you are?

I wish I had more advice. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you Flowers

Onceuponatimethen · 04/04/2018 20:27

Can you get signed off by GP? Is the GP sympathetic? Are you a member of a union who could advise you?

Please don’t forget to get legal advice if they are trying to force you out, to see if there is disability discrimination and you may have a claim - you can get free legal advice through some household insurance policies so chdck if you have this, your union if you have one or a law centre.

Onceuponatimethen · 04/04/2018 20:28

I also wish I could give you a hug. Sending you a virtual one and Brew

WineGummyBear · 04/04/2018 20:28

OP, I'm sorry to hear it's all so awful. You are too poorly to be at work. You are powering through as best you can, but it doesn't sound like you can work when you are this unwell.

There's no need to make big decision now. Suggest you ask your boss for a meeting with occupational health to figure out the best way forward.

Another handhold from someone who has also cried in work toilets.

Original poster
EndOfTheTrack · 04/04/2018 20:30

Thank you everyone. I really am at breaking point .

If I go off sick , it really will be the end of the road as I'm already in the absence management process .

Shit .

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 04/04/2018 20:30

Dont resign now. Please dont.
You may not be able to claim benefits if you quit. Think carefully.
If you are too sick to work get signed off.

TuftedLadyGrotto · 04/04/2018 20:30

Are you in a union?

Has the employer referred you for occupational health? It is highly likely that your illness classed a disability under the Equalities Act. This means that after all reasonable adjustments have been tried the employer could look to redeploy you within the business.

SweetEnough · 04/04/2018 20:30

Start small, it's an hour and a half till you finish. You can do it, think of the things you've got over to get where you are. You've coped with a lot already, get your head down and get on with it till you finish.

Have you talked to dh about everything? Can he help at all?

Do you have any annual leave? If so take can you take some asap.

If you have to resign for your health then do. You need to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else.

Benefits wouldn't be easy but if it means you can rest and cope with the stress of your health conditions then I would. You can always try to return to work after the surgery.

Flowers
Welshmaenad · 04/04/2018 20:34

Many many ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks for you. I have ME and work full time, so I know that sickening exhaustion very well. I also have a child with additional needs. I'm in the process of getting divorced because my XH was a dick about my illness and limitations.

There have been times when I've called in sick because I literally can't get out of bed. I'm agency so I just don't get paid if I don't work, but I worry about my reputation and future employability so often just push through and end up sobbing in the sofa after I get home. I've also done my fair share of lying on the floor of the disabled toilet in the office because I just needed to be horizontal for five minutes.

Sorry, I don't want this to be all about me but I just want you to know that I understand exactly how you feel, and to tell you that we are both brave and strong because we are still trying. People can empathise but until you've lain on that toilet floor, you just don't know. You can't.

But you are brave and strong and you can get through this shift. It's nearly over and you've done so well. I can tell you all the things I've tried in order to make life manageable - some have worked, some haven't. I don't know how long I'll be able to carry on full time, is going p/t an option for you? P/t roles in my field are like hens teeth but I search job sites weekly. But for now you just need to get this shift done and get home, take your pain meds and sleep. Xxx

Original poster
EndOfTheTrack · 04/04/2018 20:35

I'm on the lowest possible hours I can be .

I only work 14 hours per week Blush and it is a real struggle .

I sound pathetic - 14 hours is nothing but I can't describe how much my illness drains the life out of me .

My employer has been understanding but naturally they're getting fed up of my sickness .

I've washed my face and tried the warm hands thing . I can go to a quieter office to work and do some filing until home time .

OP posts:
NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 04/04/2018 20:35

For now, if you can, deep breath and grit your teeth. You've borne and raised three dcs, gone to hell and back countless times with your illness, you can do 90 minutes of anything if you put your mind to it.

For the longer term, you need to take time (signed off if need be) to fully consider ALL your options. Don't take anything for granted, explore them all

What if...

  • you were signed off long term
  • you went part time
  • you changed working patterns
  • you worked from home
  • you changed jobs
  • you took a demotion/different role with same employer
  • is ill health retirement possible - what would the terms be?
Flowers
Original poster
EndOfTheTrack · 04/04/2018 20:36

My husband works long hours to support my part time working .

He's not on a great wage to start with but he feels I can't carry on either .

He says I'm a totally different person when I'm off sick as I have some energy to be fun Sad

Otherwise I'm snappy and he doesn't see me as I'm in bed so much .

OP posts:
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 04/04/2018 20:36

Adding another hand hold. Please speak to someone at work, you could reduce your hours, take some time off, have support at work.

Bless you

Gemini69 · 04/04/2018 20:37

you must get signed off sick and go down that route lovely.. Flowers

go tomorrow first thing

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