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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD? I'm hiding in the toilets sobbing .

99 replies

EndOfTheTrack · 04/04/2018 20:19

I'm at work and have locked myself in the toilets crying because I'm at my wits end with exhaustion and pain .

I have a chronic illness which causes me debilitating tiredness - I can't describe the feeling , it's horrific being so tired you can barely talk .

I've also got bladder issues which means I'm running to the toilet all day , sometimes wetting myself and it's painful . It wears me out.

My boss is tiring of my constant on and off absence . I can't bear the thought of coming out of the toilets and continuing until 10pm . I'm so so so tired .

I feel like I'm at the end of the line . It's been one health issue after another for years because I'm pushing myself through every day.

My boss has been very accommodating and I've had every adjustment possible but nothing stems the exhaustion as it's a part of my illness .

I'm due to have bladder surgery in a few months and I know I'll be so ill again from the operation.

I don't know what to do . I'm in a cycle of work , sick , work , sick .

I can't go on like this Sad

I have 3 young children , one of which has SN and I don't have the energy to cope . My marriage is on the rocks as I don't have the energy for my husband .

I don't see anybody or go anywhere , most of my free time is spent in bed recovering .

I'm shattered and snappy and irritable . Life is passing me by Sad

I think I need to resign ; but I'll then be reliant on benefits and it terrifies me .

Talk me out of the toilets please Sad

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 04/04/2018 21:18

45mins to go - you can do this!

Is it worth writing down what you are doing kind of a log - see if you can see any patterns that might help - but also give you a background for E S A if it comes to it?

Flamingo84 · 04/04/2018 21:19

I can relate to this so much. I have ME and have been where you are. I was struggling to keep my head above water at work and my home life became non-existent. And I didn’t have 3 DC to worry about!

Agree with what others have said GP is definitely your starting point.

In terms of work there are a few things I’ve found:

If you work for a big company ask your HR dept if they have a Group Income Protection scheme. I reduced my hours but as the company had this insurance scheme the insurer made up the shortfall in my pay. It’s for a limited time, and you have periodic ‘catch up’ meetings with their reps but it was a real help.

If you are having long commutes on public transport/ physical difficulties in getting to and from work, the government offer an Access to Work scheme. They can arrange taxis each way for you so you’ll have more time/energy to do your job.

Are you better at certain times of the day? Perhaps you could request set hours at your optimum times.

However, if every hour is a struggle and your health is suffering, you may have to make a decision on what to do about your job. Could you sit down with a union rep and discuss options? If you’ve been with the company for a while they might have something they can offer you if you have to leave through ill health.

I really feel for you, it’s a horrible position for you and DH to be in. From the sounds of things he seems to think you function better out of work. It could be that you need a break to get your health on track and you could look at returning to the workforce in a few years.

Good luck and I really hope you can find a solution that works for you x

lostlemon · 04/04/2018 21:22

I would really recommend CAB, they will do a benefits check with you etc. If you are not on UC you are right to be a bit concerned because some people are worse off on UC.

Have a look on the ACAS website too, your organisation will need to follow a set procedure and be very careful if they are looking to get rid of you if you are sick.

Stephthegreat · 04/04/2018 21:26

Sending 💐💐I really hope you can arrange some time off with your manager.

Original poster
EndOfTheTrack · 04/04/2018 21:36

Flowers for all the responses.

All the work is completed so the whole shift have been let off a bit early!

DH is picking me up as I'm too tired and upset to drive home .

I appreciate all the responses. I'm going to try the GP tomorrow .

OP posts:
Ludlowlass · 04/04/2018 21:39

Good luck. Sleep tight. Glad your DH is picking you up. Flowers

MrsGrindah · 04/04/2018 21:39

Well done for making it through. DH sounds supportive too...look after yourself

penguinsandpanda · 04/04/2018 21:40

I would get signed off sick unless you can work from home.

I have been very similar past 6 months and I have been very lucky with my employer letting me work from home and not putting me on absence reporting. Even had flowers twice and 2 bonuses. But its the only employers I have had who would have been so nice.

Your priority needs to be your health though I can just about manage working from home if that's an option. Can you get an Occupational Health assessment, mine assessed me as needing to work from home 4 days a week but its rare I am well enough for the 5th day.

Hypermice · 04/04/2018 21:41

This is what I (gladly) pay my taxes FOR- so that people with chronic illnesses/children with extra needs get a bit of extra help when they need it.

No one wants to be reliant on benefits but that’s what the safety net is there for. Use it! Flowers

celticmissey · 04/04/2018 21:42

Bless you I know how you feel - I have chronic fatigue with fibromyalgia which has got a lot worse in the last 12 months. Some days I am so tired at work I get by on loads of caffeine and am in bed by 8.30 as I've used up all my energy at work. I struggle with concentration at work and even speaking some days I'm so tired. I totally crash eventually and need complete days and nights in bed. If you have had your condition for 6 months or more I think it is classed as a disability under the equality act and your employer has to help you with reasonable adjustments to help you manage at work - they can't just sack you. Definately speak to occupational health if you have one about some adjustments they can make to help you through - some of mine are starting later because of severe stiffness in the mornings, I work part time 30 hrs, never work more than 2 days before a day off to try and conserve energy and I work one of my days from home. Balance that with kids when you've little or no energy left and your OH and things can head downhill very fast. Depression can come with chronic fatigue for obvious reasons and then its like wading through treacle. I can only send you a big hug as I know what it's like. Have a think of some adjustments you can make- maybe day time hours would be better? I sometimes work until 8pm which I really struggle with. I couldn't work until 10 as I would have used up any energy well before then-feeling you have no options makes you feel out of control but have a think about some little changes you could try-they may make a big difference.

Allthewaves · 04/04/2018 21:44

Get yourself signed off sick. I'm not up in this stuff but could work have a process where you are medically retired if you cannot return to work?

Also look at claiming disability benefits for yourself. You can poss claim benefits for your sen child and carers allowance.

Tistheseason17 · 04/04/2018 21:48

I think you mentioned your employer has made lots of reasonable adjustments?
If that is the case, could I gently suggest that you consider whether the job is right for you? Perhaps consider something else?

I feel really bad for you but going off sick is also going to cause you more stress if you know they are managing your absence.

Perhaps, quitting may be less stressful in the long term. I cannot imagine you will lose any benefits as your GP will state your health in any forms required.

movinonup · 04/04/2018 21:50

OP I've been where you are, I pushed and pushed and pushed myself some more...If I can give you any advice at all, Don't do what I did.
Phone in sick, See your GP, Give yourself time.

TheHatOfDoom · 04/04/2018 22:00

@Endofthetrack I’m a disability benefit specialist for CAB. Have a look at claiming ESA. There are certain things that if any one applies to you the DWP have to put you in the ESA Support Group. One of which relates to bladder function and reading between the lines of what you posted I think likely applies to you. Google ESA schedule 3 descriptors.

And have a big hug.

searose · 04/04/2018 22:02

So sorry to hear about your troubles. I am in a situation where I cant afford to take time off sick and have to survive another few months waiting for surgery. I keep reminding myself of the things that could be worse and how much better I will be after the surgery. I hope it will be better for you too.

Sosog00d · 04/04/2018 22:03

lovely post Hat

Ariela · 04/04/2018 22:09

Can you look at local charities for some respite help or care for your SN child? Even just a couple of hours a week would help enormously I'm sure.

GlitterNails · 04/04/2018 22:14

I have totally been them and empathise so much. I used to lock myself in my office over lunch and sleep on the floor. I was gutted when they moved to open-plan offices and I didn't have anywhere to go - not even my car as it was parked in the disabled space at the front door.

I remember sitting digging my fingernails into my arm trying to keep awake, and bursting into tears if anyone asked if I was okay because I felt so awful.

I too kept saying I couldn't give up work as I couldn't afford it, but one day I just had to. I was doing 16 hours which was the minimum hours to get disabled tax credits, but even then was having to call in sick or work from home often.

I pretty much collapsed in the end and haven't been able to work since. But life is so much better. I'm not in that cycle of working then sleeping for days to try and recover. If I need to sleep in as I don't feel well enough that day I can. Remember your life and health are worth more. It's not a failing to say you can't work anymore.

There are people that can help you get ESA. Fightback 4 Justice are a group set up to help disabled people get benefits and have a very high success rate. Also when you apply for ESA you get put on the assessment rate. This is meant to be 13 weeks, but can last around a year - and this is without the medical. So please don't panic at this point - if you need to go off sick, then do so. Exhaust the process for sick pay, then apply for ESA.

You are welcome to PM me as someone who has been there if you need any help.

Hushabyelullaby · 04/04/2018 22:20

EndoftheTrack oh I'm so sorry, I was in your shoes 8 years ago. I was sent to see Occ Health and they recommended me retiring on grounds of ill health. I was able to claim my pension (30 years earlier than planned). Is this something you could do? Do you have any insurance that would pay out on medical grounds?

Thanks to you

nursy1 · 04/04/2018 22:23

I think you cannot deal with a job at the moment, your children and your marriage must take priority. Discuss with your employer and say you are going to have to take more time off sick, get them to terminate on grounds of your ill health making you unable to do the job. This might help when it comes to claiming benefits.
I think when you have more energy to trawl the shops for bargains and cook cheaper meals you can live without the extra money maybe? Some things are more important. Xxx

sourpatchkid · 04/04/2018 22:29

Can i just say you sound bloody amazing! Do what you need to do to survive Thanks

Jamiefraserskilt · 04/04/2018 22:37

One thing that strikes me about your original post is what you said about your marriage. You don't have the energy for your husband. When you are feeling so rough, forgive yourself. Chronic illness is debilitating, tiring, stressful but is not your fault. You are strong, determined, probably stubbornly hanging on to something that you think you should but realistically, right now, you can't.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 04/04/2018 22:37

Feel for you OP 💐 I have a chronic lifelong illness and can totally relate to how your feeling. I push through because of my kids. If they weren’t here I honestly wouldn’t bother and would probably be curled up in the corner most of the ztime. Other than my lifelong illn3ss since last September I’ve been ill on and off nonstop. Sickness, gastritis, laryngitis, cold, Aussie flu, cold again and now another one. I’m not sure what’s going on but I’m powering through. You can do it, if not for your kids then for yourself. You are stronger than you think.

Jamiefraserskilt · 04/04/2018 22:43

Sorry, premature posting!
Take time to rest. You need to give yourself a break.
You married your man for better or worse. Right now things are not great but remember, he is an adult and should be able to look after himself. There should be no need for energy. Focus that on yourself. Talk to him and try and gauge if he would prefer to see you carry on and be strung out or stop and smile more.

VimFuego101 · 04/04/2018 22:49

I agree with others who said don't resign. Go through the work absence process, and let them dismiss you due to ill health if needed. I really feel for you, I'm glad your husband is supportive.

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