WWYD? I'm hiding in the toilets sobbing .

[EndOfTheTrack]

I'm at work and have locked myself in the toilets crying because I'm at my wits end with exhaustion and pain .

I have a chronic illness which causes me debilitating tiredness - I can't describe the feeling , it's horrific being so tired you can barely talk .

I've also got bladder issues which means I'm running to the toilet all day , sometimes wetting myself and it's painful . It wears me out.

My boss is tiring of my constant on and off absence . I can't bear the thought of coming out of the toilets and continuing until 10pm . I'm so so so tired .

I feel like I'm at the end of the line . It's been one health issue after another for years because I'm pushing myself through every day.

My boss has been very accommodating and I've had every adjustment possible but nothing stems the exhaustion as it's a part of my illness .

I'm due to have bladder surgery in a few months and I know I'll be so ill again from the operation.

I don't know what to do . I'm in a cycle of work , sick , work , sick .

I can't go on like this

I have 3 young children , one of which has SN and I don't have the energy to cope . My marriage is on the rocks as I don't have the energy for my husband .

I don't see anybody or go anywhere , most of my free time is spent in bed recovering .

I'm shattered and snappy and irritable . Life is passing me by

I think I need to resign ; but I'll then be reliant on benefits and it terrifies me .

Talk me out of the toilets please

Have you claimed PIP for your child with SEN? Can you claim Carers Allowance for caring for this child? Can you reduce your hours and also claim Carers Allowance? (Look up the eligibility criteria for claiming Carers Allowance , you can have a small amount of earnings with Carers Allowance) Get a full benefits check with the CAB . It may be that with your health and the special needs of your child you will be able to manage financially without work.

Sorry you're going through this...

Sending good luck.

Being dismissed because you are too ill to work is not shameful, or a punishment. It's an acknowledgement of the fact that you are too ill to continue in your job. (I have a part-time admin job in education: am a note-taker, and I have been in a few sickness policy meetings. They are usually about reaching a solution that is best for all concerned - the person who is ill gets some sort of payoff and the company gets to move on.) It's also a matter of having proof to show the benefits agency - you are not working because you cannot do your job due to your ill health.

It maybe worth also talking to HR to see if they can help. Though I would get signed off for now. Definitely don't resign without advice.

I've been to see the GP this morning - my usual GP wasn't available so I saw someone I'd never seen before and they weren't very sympathetic.

They decided I didn't need a note and if I get enough sleep I should pull through. I feel so defeated .

I think I didn't explain myself properly .

My usual GP is back soon so I will go back .

I'm due to start work at 5:30pm. I don't think I'll be going.

A pp mentioned claiming carers allowance for my SN child - would this not affect my ability to get pip for myself ?

Carers allowance would be a massive help as I could then afford to cut my hours further , but I've been told it will look negative for my pip application.

Would this be the case?

Call them and ask.

They are really helpful, I’ve called them before with many questions.

Op I’m sorry you’re suffering, it sounds awful.
Please call them and see what they say.

End, about the benefits situation I think you should call one of the charity helplines to get advice - I would start with Contact A Family as they were amazing when we called them about something different but don’t know if they do benefits advice. They are great for support so may be good for you on that side.

Oh sweetheart, this was me about 7 years ago, after years of battling to keep going I had to stop. My DH was insistent I couldn’t carry on like this. I did nothing but Work (when I could) and lie in bed crying.

It hasn’t been easy and I haven’t been able to get any benefits. I’ve been vaguely self employed, doing whatever I can and not earning much. Now I have toddler twins and life is tough.

I wish I had a solution for you but sending hugs instead x

I really feel for you OP and am pleased to hear that you will go back to see your regular GP as soon as you can. One other thing - chronic illness debilitates the whole family but it sounds as though your DH cars for you/loves you even if you are struggling as a couple at the moment. If you need to, prioritise your relationship. You and your DH will be around long after your job, one way or another. No job is worth letting get in the way of your home or family life. Easy for me to say, I know, but please think about it.

I've no good advice but wanted to try to offer sympathy and support.
Your DH sounds unsupportive, TBH. He shouldn't be criticising you for not being enough 'fun' Have you and he had a good candid talk about all this?

Can you go back to the GP before your usual one is back, and just ask not to see the last useless twunt one you saw?

Has your usual GP or hospital specialist done a full blood panel recently?

I know that exhausted, nauseated, legs turned to jelly, can't remember what I was saying in the middle of a sentence, don't remember what you just said' feeling - I have Lupus with secondary fibromyalgia, and thought the exhaustion was just how it is. Turns out I was also anaemic and vitamin D deficient with raised TSH (not quite hypothyroidism, but a precursor). You might be in a similar boat and once any additional illnesses are medicated be in a different situation. The fatigue and need for pacing is just how it is, the exhaustion may not be. If your condition is lupus/MS the exhaustion could be brain involvelent or hormone resistance.

If the company has occ health, get a referral in asap. Could you work your 14 hours with flexi time, or is there a business need for you to be there set days and times? (This wont immediately help until you're well enough to work extra. I used to try for 10-15 minutes extra on a good day, to build up time.)

Go off sick and stay off, I’m sure your regular GP will support this. I was dismissed whilst on sick leave and sometimes there is no other option.

One thing occurs to me is that you seem to be working evenings, so I’m guessing your DH and you play team tag with the dc and you are caring for three dc and the house all day before putting in a shift? That’s totally exhausting even for someone who is fully fit. Too much.

Finally, I think it’s fine to claim carers allowance and PIP and not especially uncommon. Speak to a disability advisor they can help so much with the whole draining process. For now just do the minimum you can to be in best possible shape for your surgery and allow yourself the time and space to recover. You can reconsider work later when you feel in a better place.

@EndOfTheTrack I get carers and high rate pip. There's no conflict, the care I provide isn't something I am unable to do myself.

That's good to know .

DH and I are going to sit down tonight when the little ones are in bed and discuss the future .

I may need to stay at work to bide my time before applying for universal credit as I'm not sure we could wait 5 weeks for a payment

We will also lose some premium elements on universal credit which means we would be worse off by quite a lot in comparison to tax credits .

Sorry to all those suffering too

GardenGeek

How do you feel about your childhood?

Did it make you resent your mum in anyway?

My SN child finds it very hard to understand that I don't always have the energy to sit and play with him every minute of the day.

I fear my children looking back and me not being fun or included in their fun .

OP I've been told at work that it is common for people who are entitled to claim PIP etc to also claim carers allowance for looking after another person. E.g. physically disabled person looking after mentally disabled partner and vice versa. As long as you are not saying anything in your carers allowance application that contradicts your PIP application you should be ok.

It sounds like you've got a tremendous amount on your plate. Don't feel guilty for struggling. It's ok to not be ok and take some time out

Gosh poor you, how awful. I am also struggling with persistent illness at the moment and find work, at times, absolutely exhausting and it can worsen my pain. And I don't think anyone sees how much it affects me because it's not an obviously visible condition.

My only advice would be to get yourself signed off until you've had your operation, or until such time as you feel that you can return. Don't take no for an answer - go back to the GP and tell them you NEED to be signed off. Don't leave without a sick note. Tell them it's seriously affecting your mental health, you can't go on anymore, etc.

I know it sounds pushy but sometimes you have to put yourself first.

Requirements for carers allowance are relatively simple. You need to be providing 35hrs a week care for a child receiving mid / higher level care DLA. You do not need to prove what you do for them - the dla claim covers what they need doing. (You can only claim if you earn less that £116). What additional care your child needs obviously depends on his age/abilities. You do not have to cover all your childs needs to claim carers. For example your child might need reminding to use the toilet every 60mins which you can do from the sofa, you child might also need carrying to bed as they can't use the stairs- given your abilities you cannot do this so your dh does - this does not stop you from claiming carers.
Think through what you do and what your child's dla claim cite as his additional needs.

Perhaps talk to the people who supported you pip application or your sons dla.

www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/getting-care-and-support/carers-assessment
Re carer's assessment for anyone caring (very flexible definition) for someone over 18. Could be worth looking at if your DH will be carrying out any caring functions when you're getting ready for/recovering from your op. We're about to be assessed by someone from the local Carers' Association (working on behalf of the Council) as we care for an ill relative. Could be for you an additional lever for support.

And this for you and DH as you're caring for an under 18: www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/getting-care-and-support/young-carers-and-carers-of-children-under-18
An assessment in addition to an allowance - though I'm sure that you're aware of all of this already.

Take the utmost good care of yourself.

Op I was only working part time hours and I used to have a breakdown at the end of each shift. I was so tired I couldn't even get home by train and had to pay a taxi. It wasn't safe to drive. I'd cry after work before getting in the taxi and then I'd wail once I got home.

I'd list the things I needed to do at home: Get in pjs; brush teeth; drink water; close curtains; get in bed. This list was like a marathon. I'd go to bed at 6pm and cry myself to sleep. One day I was so tired I was literally stranded in the toilets and physically couldn't stand.

I'm honestly not trying to make it about me but saying I feel so bad for you. I had to leave work and go on esa for a while. I'd contact someone to ask what benefits you're entitled to. You could get esa and pip. You can work 8 hours I think with esa. Dont be scared of finding out about benefits. Anyway tell your GP you can't go on like this and he/she can write a letter to esa.

Op don't feel bad about being ill. It's not your fault and you are pushing yourself to the max. Don't worry if ppl don't understand because most likely you put on a brave face.

Many thank you's everyone

I didn't go to work last night and I slept through my whole shift at home . DH looked after the DC.

I've woken this morning feeling awful - it's like because I've stopped the exhaustion has hit .

I'm going to have an easy day with the DC doing some crafts / sticking.

GardenGeek I'm so relieved to hear you didn't resent your mum. I feel so guilty at times .

I'm going to make an appointment with the CAB to discuss my best course of action and ask about carers allowance .

Thanks so much every one of you for your kind comments . I wouldn't have gotten through that last shift without you all

Hi OP...how’s things?