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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD? I'm hiding in the toilets sobbing .

99 replies

EndOfTheTrack · 04/04/2018 20:19

I'm at work and have locked myself in the toilets crying because I'm at my wits end with exhaustion and pain .

I have a chronic illness which causes me debilitating tiredness - I can't describe the feeling , it's horrific being so tired you can barely talk .

I've also got bladder issues which means I'm running to the toilet all day , sometimes wetting myself and it's painful . It wears me out.

My boss is tiring of my constant on and off absence . I can't bear the thought of coming out of the toilets and continuing until 10pm . I'm so so so tired .

I feel like I'm at the end of the line . It's been one health issue after another for years because I'm pushing myself through every day.

My boss has been very accommodating and I've had every adjustment possible but nothing stems the exhaustion as it's a part of my illness .

I'm due to have bladder surgery in a few months and I know I'll be so ill again from the operation.

I don't know what to do . I'm in a cycle of work , sick , work , sick .

I can't go on like this Sad

I have 3 young children , one of which has SN and I don't have the energy to cope . My marriage is on the rocks as I don't have the energy for my husband .

I don't see anybody or go anywhere , most of my free time is spent in bed recovering .

I'm shattered and snappy and irritable . Life is passing me by Sad

I think I need to resign ; but I'll then be reliant on benefits and it terrifies me .

Talk me out of the toilets please Sad

OP posts:
PrancingQueen · 04/04/2018 20:37

Could you ask for unpaid leave or a sabbatical maybe? Money will be tough but if you don’t want to go off sick, your employer may be more sympathetic.
FlowersWine

dinosaurkisses · 04/04/2018 20:38

OP, if your boss/ employer has been aware of your issues for more than a year it’s very likely that they’re considered a disability.

Are you in a union? Is your illness associated with a charity that can offer advice on how you can approach your employer?

LittleOwl153 · 04/04/2018 20:38

Is it possible to look at when you work your hours? I can't help thinking that being at work at 10pm, when you have presumably had the kids all day can't be helping the situation. Can you switch to school hours - assuming they are at least preschool age? Would this help?

ItLooksABitOff · 04/04/2018 20:38

oh you poor thing. Couldn't read and run.

Flowers
Welshmaenad · 04/04/2018 20:40

If you can't reduce your hours further can you change your working pattern to one that suits your energy levels?

For me 2 x 7 hour days would work best, on the days I have the kids as I have to get up to drive them to school, with full days off when I can lie in because they're at their dads. But maybe 4 x 3.5 hour days would be better for you? Can you do any work from home? Sometimes just being in comfy clothes with your feet up is enough and you can do work on a laptop or something?

ClaryFray · 04/04/2018 20:42

Come out of the toilets, and say you need to go home. Go to the GP and get yourself signed off as sick. No real other advice but don't work yourself up alone in the bathroom. Hugs OP x

2018SoFarSoGreat · 04/04/2018 20:46

sending you a big, warm, virtual hug, and a strong back to lean on. and Flowers

Aliceinwanderland · 04/04/2018 20:46

I would go off sick, get laid off and try to retrain for a job I could do from home on a flexible schedule.

FaithEverPresent · 04/04/2018 20:47

Oh lovely, my upmost sympathy. I’ve just got my life back after months of chronic pain. I know that feeling of crying in the toilets because you can’t admit how much you’re suffering. I also know that feeling of being better off sick because you have no energy when you’re working.

Can I ask what you do? Is there any possibility of redeployment?

category12 · 04/04/2018 20:47

Don't resign, it'll affect your ability to claim benefits.

Get signed off, go through the sickness absence management process.

Flowers
chocatoo · 04/04/2018 20:48

OK - you know what you have to do: blow your nose, take some deep breaths, grit your teeth and get back out there. You can do it. You don't want to be reliant on benefits and you don't want to lose your job. This will pass.
When you are feeling calmer talk some more to your employers and see if there is any more they can do for you.

Original poster
EndOfTheTrack · 04/04/2018 20:48

Thank you everyone .
I'm back at my desk doing final .

My GP is lovely and she understands I struggle .

I am protected by the disability act and my employer is aware of this , they have been very understanding and have made adjustments but I'm still in their absence management system .

We have a red, amber , green type system - currently I'm on amber .

If I go to my GP tomorrow and I'm signed off . I will without doubt go to red and that will be it for me Sad

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 04/04/2018 20:49

Aw love . It’s great that you are trying but honestly you sound too poorly to be working at the moment. I really think for the sake of 14 hours you are risking making yourself worse. You are not being pathetic. You have a legitimate illness and you have a family. Please go to your GP and concentrate on getting yourself better.

Tinkobell · 04/04/2018 20:50

So sorry to feel the desperation in your thread OP. Physical pain of the kind you describe sounds utterly paralysing and you just don't sound at all well enough to work until your bladder issue is fixed, that sounds miserable. You must see your GP very urgently. I would also consider speaking to Samaritans and it sounds like you need someone who can listen and offer kindness & support for you straightaway. Very best wishes & try to stay strong!

Original poster
EndOfTheTrack · 04/04/2018 20:50

Filing !

OP posts:
HidingFromTheWorld · 04/04/2018 20:51

Two years ago, I was the one hiding in the toilets, crying in pain, suffering with debilitating fatigue and wondering how it was that I couldn’t even work 16 hours a week, four hours at a time. Even though I worked at a GP surgery, the management had been less than understanding.

It took my husband telling me it was time to look after myself and booking me a GP appointment for me to admit defeat. My GP signed me off for a month, I resigned the next day and I’ve been much happier balancing my health conditions, which enables me to be part of my family far more than when I was trudging along, thinking I could continue to work.

I’m not entitled to benefits but, if I were, I’d claim them. Finances are very tight, but we manage. I’d worked so hard, for so many years, but my body decided that, for me, it was no longer viable to carry on. Maybe I’ll be well enough to return to the workplace in the future, but the pressure is off for now.

Go home, see your GP ASAP and seek support. You can’t go on like this.

Flowers
FellOutOfBed2wice · 04/04/2018 20:55

No advice OP as I’m in a similar situation myself. After a bleeding stomach ulcer that took me out for six weeks I’ve just in the last ten days developed pneumonia. No real diagnosis of the underlying issues caused the chronic illnesses although being investigated for ME and Lupus. This bout of pneumonia has been horrific and I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so ill in my life. Thankfully for me it’s the holidays (am a teacher) so this isn’t on my sick record right now but I’m similarly screwed in the absence system.

Really want to not have to work and just be at home with the kids but for now just not sure how that’s possible.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 04/04/2018 20:56

Being on benefits has to be better than this. You’re too sick to be working 💐

Go to your GP, get signed off. Follow the path required to be put on sickness, not out of work, benefits. People, including you and DH, pay taxes for exactly these types of things.

Do not resign.

I hope your surgery changes your life for the better, constantly running back & forth to the loo & not always getting there in time sounds miserable and sound destroying, without any other issues. 💐

Balaboosteh · 04/04/2018 20:57

Sounds so tough. Nothing useful to add except my best wishes. Sounds like you will have to resolve this soon, you’re at crisis point. Power to you in making these tough choices.

Nunyabusiness · 04/04/2018 21:00

I'm writing this as a coping mechanism for you, not to belittle you...

You have one hour left. Just sixty minutes. If making it through sixty minutes is too much then try focusing on sixty seconds at a time. The end of your shift is so close, hang in there

I hope you feel better soon xx

lostlemon · 04/04/2018 21:00

OP this just isn't right and you could be making your health much worse in the long term by carrying on like this. I agree with others re not resigning as it may affect any benefits you can claim.

I would get yourself down to Citizens Advice and see what help they can give. Have you looked at any benefits you may be entitled to?

Take care of yourself Flowers

Original poster
EndOfTheTrack · 04/04/2018 21:03

I already claim PIP for my illness but it was a long fight involving tribunal so I worry it will be snatched away.

I fear universal credit and ESA capability assessments as I'm not sure what job I could do .

I can just about hold myself up some days .

OP posts:
Sonnet · 04/04/2018 21:04

Bless you Thanks I couldn't just read and run.
You sound far too ill to be working
X

footballmum · 04/04/2018 21:16

OP it might not be the worst thing in the world if your employment is terminated on the grounds of ill health. Don’t resign as that may hinder your access to benefits. If your employment is terminated due to health reasons it reinforces your benefits claim (or so I’m led to believe).

Those advising that you may have a claim for disability discrimination are a bit misguided. Your employer is only obliged to make reasonable adjustments, which differ according to your role, your status within the organisation and the administrative resources of the organisation. There is a cut off point as to what they can reasonably do and it sounds as though you’re getting to that point.

However, not having to work may be what you need, in the short to medium term at least, to help you recover. If you’re really not well enough to work (and it sounds as though you aren’t) get signed off by your doc and let events take their course.

BeUpStanding · 04/04/2018 21:16

Oh love, sending you internet hugs OP Flowers. It does sound like going to the GP tomorrow and getting signed off sick is the sensible thing to do. Life is too short to suffer that much at work. Give your precious energy to your kids and husband, not your employer.

Nearly home time... hang in there if you can xx