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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have limited sympathy for DH making the same mistakes again and again

82 replies

missbonita · 04/04/2018 14:08

DH seems to have got 'stuck' over the last few years and is unable to learn from mistakes/make changes to his behaviour. This generally doesn't cause me problems but he spends a lot of time looking for keys/phone, flapping about being late etc. I have established fixed places for these things and try not to get irritated by it happening everyday.

He is very tall - 6 foot 6 and he has started hitting his head on beams in our old cottage - at least 2x a day I hear him swearing and cursing, and my sympathy is very limited. I can't fathom why he doesn't learn not to do it? I have told him that if it is a genuinely problem that he cannot resolve we should consider moving, he took offence at this.

I am exasperated and don't understand why the active, focused, capable man I married is turning into a silly old man, making the same daft mistakes and then cursing everyone else day after day......

I realise I sound unkind and do not mean to, I am frustrated. AIBU to ignore him when he is rolling on the floor having hit his head again? I know I am, but I struggle to offer unlimited sympathy and support to someone who will not help themselves.

Suggestions to improve his behaviour or my tolerance much appreciated.

OP posts:

CumulusNimbus · 04/04/2018 14:12

This sounds like it goes deeper than his behaviour. Why would you lose patience with someone you love fully - you must have loved him warts and all once? I feel like something is making you resentful on a deeper level and it is coming out as irritation / impatience. I think you need to do a bit of soul searching. Good luck x

kesstrel · 04/04/2018 14:13

How old is he? This is the kind of thing that tends to happen as people get older - formerly well-organised individuals can begin to struggle with organisation because their short-term memory is deteriorating, when they have always been able to rely on it before, so haven't developed alternative strategies (yet).

GreenTulips · 04/04/2018 14:14

I have no sympathy either

If you hit your head he needs to learn to duck

I find the ensuing swearing etc brings the atmosphere down and generally pisss off the rest of the house!!!

AllThatGlistensIs · 04/04/2018 14:15

How old is he OP? I’d actually be more concerned that this has only been going on for the last few years (if I’ve read you correctly), and would worry about some underlying medical issues if he’s actually forgetful to the point of regularly injuring himself.

kesstrel · 04/04/2018 14:16

I will just add to my post above that most people going through this find it intensely frustrating, and can end up feeling very angry with themselves, overly-emotional about lapses, and this can sometimes make them resistant to accepting they need to find alternative strategies (like a big coloured sign on the beam, for example, or clipping their keys to their belt).

whoareyoukidding · 04/04/2018 14:16

Is there anything else about your DH that has changed in his personality, from what you can see? You don't say how old he is but I would keep an eye, OP, especially as you suggest that he didn't always do these things. It might be an medical issue.

kaytee87 · 04/04/2018 14:17

If he didn't used to be clumsy or forgetful then he may be developing a medical condition.

You don't sound like you like him much to be honest.

GrannyGrissle · 04/04/2018 14:18

Buy him a helmet to wear indoors?

whoareyoukidding · 04/04/2018 14:18

Whoops crossed posts

kaytee87 · 04/04/2018 14:19

Are you exaggerating about him rolling around on the floor after hitting his head?
If this is true and he does it on a regular basis, are you not actually concerned about him? You just want to ignore him instead?

SusanDelfino · 04/04/2018 14:21

If he hasn't always been like this he needs to see a doctor urgently. How old is he?

Graphista · 04/04/2018 14:26

I too am thinking medical issue rather than just being clumsy.

Doesn't need to even be anything particularly sinister - he had an eye test recently? Does he wear glasses?

NotAgainYoda · 04/04/2018 14:28

How old are the both of you? How is his mental health - is he anxious, more distracted than usual, irritable?

Could be a relationship issue between you , could be a medical/psychological one for him. Or are you less tolerant than you used to be? - menopause, eg

NotAgainYoda · 04/04/2018 14:31

The silly old man comment makes me wonder whether actually you suspect he has got an age-related difficulty, and it's scary and the fear makes you angry?

Cindie943811A · 04/04/2018 14:35

Has he suffered a brain injury from hitting his head so frequently?

RatherBeRiding · 04/04/2018 14:35

Is this you becoming less tolerant, or his behaviour changing? If the former - crack on. I too have no sympathy with people who are perfectly capable of not losing stuff, but lose it anyway and then turn the house (and everyone in it) upside down. And I'm talking young adults doing a uni degree not older people on the cusp of dementia.

If his behaviour has changed noticeably and he keeps losing things then there may be something physical/mental going on with him.

How old is he?

Original poster

missbonita · 04/04/2018 14:38

He's 43 - not old at all. Part of his work is as a male fitness model - he is incredibly fit and healthy. He has been increasingly like this for 5 years. I love him desperately, so much, so so much. We get on very well and are otherwise well suited and happy.

I actually suggested a helmet and he was not impressed. He has been to the doctor as I was concerned his snoring was affecting his sleep and was the root cause. He does not want to go again.

Obviously I do want to be kind and sympathetic but I am struggling. He tends to 'blame' me for about 5 minutes
"you distracted me" (I was in another room)
"you're short - you don't know what it's like"
"stop laughing at me" (when I am actually upset and concerned)

He usually just clutches his head and swears but sometimes rolls on the floor.

I know I sound horrible, maybe I am. I don't think so, I have been an incredibly supportive partner for 26 years and am considered a tolerant person by most.

I am scared by it.

OP posts:

Lucisky · 04/04/2018 14:41

Poor chap, tall men and low beams don't mix. Can you put some foam padding in the places where he is most likely to connect? Other than that, if his general demeanour is changing, it could be a medical or even eyesight problem. However, I know how difficult it is to get men to admit something may be amiss.

Original poster

missbonita · 04/04/2018 14:43

Sorry - answering more questions

He has had a recent eye test and has perfect vision.

His mental health is up and down. He has childhood PTSD caused by childhood abuse and time spent in a group care home. He also has large memory gaps ages 8-13. I didn't think this was related but seeing it written down gives me pause for thought.

OP posts:

Original poster

missbonita · 04/04/2018 14:44

I am so sorry about the silly old man comment. I have made myself cry being so unkind. I am so exasperated and think he'll get really hurt one day.

OP posts:

whoareyoukidding · 04/04/2018 14:44

And presumably you've lived in the house for longer than 5 years? So, he used to be able to duck to avoid smashing his head into the beams? If this is the case, then it seems that something has indeed changed with him. Maybe you need to tell him straight that he may need to see a doctor.

TroysMammy · 04/04/2018 14:44

If he's smacking his head on the same bit of beam then hang a lightweight dangly thing at his eye level so that he has to duck to get past it. I have a kitchen light that my dp used to walk into until I hung some homemade cardboard spiders off it. No more smacked head.

whoareyoukidding · 04/04/2018 14:46

If it helps, my DH has changed a bit over the years too, although mine is older than your DH. He has become more ponderous in his speech and I do get annoyed sometimes, willing him to get. to. the . end. of. his. sentence. But so far I have refrained from showing my irritation.

Original poster

missbonita · 04/04/2018 14:47

Yes, we've lived here longer than the problem has been apparent. It is not one beam - the whole house is beamed and it is different places. Also light fittings, cupboards, car boots etc. His poor head

Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:

NapQueen · 04/04/2018 14:47

Im surprised that anyone would live in a house they couldnt actually swalk aroynd freely in.

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