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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have limited sympathy for DH making the same mistakes again and again

82 replies

missbonita · 04/04/2018 14:08

DH seems to have got 'stuck' over the last few years and is unable to learn from mistakes/make changes to his behaviour. This generally doesn't cause me problems but he spends a lot of time looking for keys/phone, flapping about being late etc. I have established fixed places for these things and try not to get irritated by it happening everyday.

He is very tall - 6 foot 6 and he has started hitting his head on beams in our old cottage - at least 2x a day I hear him swearing and cursing, and my sympathy is very limited. I can't fathom why he doesn't learn not to do it? I have told him that if it is a genuinely problem that he cannot resolve we should consider moving, he took offence at this.

I am exasperated and don't understand why the active, focused, capable man I married is turning into a silly old man, making the same daft mistakes and then cursing everyone else day after day......

I realise I sound unkind and do not mean to, I am frustrated. AIBU to ignore him when he is rolling on the floor having hit his head again? I know I am, but I struggle to offer unlimited sympathy and support to someone who will not help themselves.

Suggestions to improve his behaviour or my tolerance much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
missbonita · 04/04/2018 15:29

@Graphista Yes - sorry my spelling is terrible and on this occasion too bad to be corrected by google.

I will encourage him to go back to the Dr's. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
missbonita · 04/04/2018 15:32

@Graphista you are making so much sense, yes, DC are age when he was most vulnerable. He has stopped watching anything on TV featuring distress etc which didn't click till now. He's sort of 'zoned' out some of the time but fine when he's 'on it'

sleep apnoea is my other worry.

OP posts:
Graphista · 04/04/2018 15:35

Wasn't meant as a dig there's LOTS of meds out there plus some have several names. Just I couldn't find it on google.

Ok well that makes sense. I couldn't get on with Prozac but different meds work for different people and also even if you've not had problems with side effects before you can later.

A once over with dr a good idea - but I appreciate the problem is

A getting him to go
B him telling whole truth to dr

Minds me of that only fools episode where Del Boy ends up in hospital cos new GP thinks something seriously wrong cos Del Boys made out he's a tee total, non smoking veggie gym nut! Turns out ex GP who knows him finds out and a far less serious condition diagnosed.

Graphista · 04/04/2018 15:37

Yea just before a certain birthday of dds I was freaking out. Hypervigilance, anxiety, insomnia, couldn't watch tv shows or films with certain storylines (bloody worse when I was caught out thinking one was about something else entirely) VERY protective of dd barely really wanted her to leave the house! Really hard.

MumofBoysx2 · 04/04/2018 15:38

Has he always flapped about like this, losing things, or is it new? If he is worryingly forgetful all of a sudden then I would go with him to the GP, if he is willing. It's annoying for him to curse when he bumps his head, but worse for him and his poor head! Is there another reason he is suddenly annoying you so much?

Original poster
missbonita · 04/04/2018 15:39

@Hidingtonothing He has had some therapy and is seeking more at the moment due to a child we knew passing away which has raised issues.

I will look into the therapy you suggest. He does not value himself enough to allow me to pay for it. He wont even pay for the gym and works out at home on a homemade set of equipment! He is very self sufficient and hermit like. Prefers to be alone, or just with me and DC. Happiest in his garden/with the animals. He does volunteer and work with other kids in care as a mentor but apart from that and work he just wants to be at home all the time.

All round extremely anti social and described himself as 'unsuitable' for society. He is very very funny, charming and everyone loves him, but its not reciprocated!

OP posts:
Graphista · 04/04/2018 15:39

Also it may not be "one" thing. Humans don't work like that.

Eg sleep apnoea worsens so lack of sleep increases anxiety anyway, then the children's reaching an age he finds hard to cope with, plus meds side effects kicking in... Perfect storm

Original poster
missbonita · 04/04/2018 15:40

I this one of the reasons I am so irritable is the awful weather is trapping us all inside and we are not used to it. There is so much to do and we can't get on. Also we usually work long hours and are off this week, so all a bit under each others feet.

OP posts:
adaisy1394 · 04/04/2018 15:44

I think its a bit OTT for posters to suggest OP has some deep issues and lack of love for DH....

I hope there is nothing underlying - probably best to check but I think its just one of those things.

My DF& DM live in a quirky, beamed cottage too. My DF is very tall and when we were young and he worked a lot (e.g. had his mind on other things quite a lot) my DM got so sick of his whingeing at hitting his head, she applied foam pipe lagging to the door frame he always hit his head on by slicing a lengthways section out of it to make it hug the surface. I think she used adhesive Velcro to stick it up.

She covered it in fabric that matched the curtains and everybody thought no more of it, I don't think any visitors even noticed it! As a child, I thought it very normal, I thought everyone had foamy, floral door frames Grin

Graphista · 04/04/2018 15:45

"Self sufficient" when you've been let down by those supposed to protect you, to love you unconditionally you learn you can't rely on people. That when you do they hurt you. So you don't, you push people away.

You also learn that if even those people don't think you're worth caring for, why should you care for yourself?

I am almost 46, abuse started well over 30 years ago. I STILL don't trust people. Find it VERY hard to ask for help. Both as an admission I'm not "coping" (to myself as well as others) and because I don't think I deserve it.

"Hermit" well I'm agoraphobic (among other things) so yea I get that too. Self preservation.

There's 2 people I trust and one of them is dd.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/04/2018 15:47

OP, just wanted to say that I have read the full thread, if is frustration and concern, that is making you feel this way, your love shines through !
Ask your DH to revisit his GP, perhaps you could accompany him. 🌸

Ledderwoman · 04/04/2018 15:48

I can't be doing with stuff like this and I'd little sympathy.

My stepdad used to continuously hit his head on the same things every week and fall off his crane constantly. My mum would flap around showering him with attention which was exactly why he did it. Attention seeking.

Original poster
missbonita · 04/04/2018 15:50

@Graphista thank you for your kindness, I am so sorry to hear what you went thru. I hope this thread hasn't upset you, your posts have helped me see some things I need to investigate and I am thankful.

OP posts:
Basseting · 04/04/2018 15:50

I have sleep apnoea. I bump into things from sheer bloody tiredness.
OP you are right to be concerned (and driven up the wall :)

Graphista · 04/04/2018 15:51

Ledder you REALLY need to at least read op's updates.

This man has had a horrible time of it and op is more concerned than anything.

Graphista · 04/04/2018 15:51

Op you are very welcome. Sadly there are far too many of us.

Ledderwoman · 04/04/2018 15:54

Yes I realise that now and I hope he turns out to be ok.

My stepdad however DID do it for attention, he chokes on food for attention too.

Oblomov18 · 04/04/2018 15:55

I have bad spatial awareness and am always banging into things.
Put padding over the beams?

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 04/04/2018 15:55

Move house!

Oblomov18 · 04/04/2018 15:58

Plus 6-6 is very tall. Many men that tall would have to stoop and duck all the time. What a pain in the ass. Being very small myself, I don't have that problem!

Original poster
missbonita · 04/04/2018 16:00

He might be doing it for attention but it isn't deliberate - I know that. When we were young he used to do stupid things to try and get my attention but that failed and so he stopped. This included once telling me that if I went to a club for my friends birthday he'd jump in the canal and freeze to death to teach me a lesson. We still laugh about that one - he ruined his trainers and had to wear plimsols for months Grin. That's when he stopped drinking. He's very calm and quiet most of the time. I have wondered if the banged head gives an excuser to vent, I dont know.

The PTSD causing memory blanks and zoning out is what is feels like to me. I can't believe it never occurred to me.

OP posts:
DairyisClosed · 04/04/2018 16:04

I take it you are a shorty? Learning not to bang your head isn't really a thing. After a while most people habitually bop down when walking under beams but all it takes is a moment of distraction to hut your head which obviously happens quite often. The alternative is to learn to walk with a stoop which is both unpleasant to look at and bad for one's back. So long as he isn't using the head banging as an excuse to slack off I don't see why you would be so annoyed.

Original poster
missbonita · 04/04/2018 16:05

Yes he is very very tall. So tall that even normal houses can be a challenge. He has huge shoulders and take up so much room everywhere. I am 5 foot which he finds hilarious. DC were taller than me aged 10!

He won't entertain moving anyway, he knows this land is everything to me and he loves the garden and animals. We are very nearly self sufficient for food in the summer/autumn and he has been accused of being a 'prepper' before haha

I don't know why I am tripling this, it is nice to be able to talk about him. He is so private and quiet - I could never discuss this with anyone in RL. No one except my BF and DB know about his childhood etc.

action plan:

  1. GP for sleep and MH check
  2. cover beams to protect precious noggin
  3. be patient and don't threaten to 'give him something to cry about' (I wouldn't ever do that but has been bloody tempting)
OP posts:
Original poster
missbonita · 04/04/2018 16:06

*typing not tripling

OP posts:
Weezol · 04/04/2018 16:16

My dad had a fairly horrific time with his mother, well into his twenties. To all those outside the immediate family he is funny and incredibly laid back. Endless patience with kids, people with LD, aminals.

If he's in a room alone and breaks something, you can hear him explode from way over the other side of the house. We've talked about it quite a bit in the last few years. It all goes back to his mother.

I think Graphista is bang on. It sounds like he puts himself down a lot - that's another survival mechanism. If he criticises himself first, it heads off cruelty from his abuser, he may even have been rewarded for his self loathing, as it shows he is 'on message' with what the abuser wants.

I realise this is a lot to deal with MissBonita. I suggest a look at the NSPCC website as a starting point.