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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have limited sympathy for DH making the same mistakes again and again

82 replies

missbonita · 04/04/2018 14:08

DH seems to have got 'stuck' over the last few years and is unable to learn from mistakes/make changes to his behaviour. This generally doesn't cause me problems but he spends a lot of time looking for keys/phone, flapping about being late etc. I have established fixed places for these things and try not to get irritated by it happening everyday.

He is very tall - 6 foot 6 and he has started hitting his head on beams in our old cottage - at least 2x a day I hear him swearing and cursing, and my sympathy is very limited. I can't fathom why he doesn't learn not to do it? I have told him that if it is a genuinely problem that he cannot resolve we should consider moving, he took offence at this.

I am exasperated and don't understand why the active, focused, capable man I married is turning into a silly old man, making the same daft mistakes and then cursing everyone else day after day......

I realise I sound unkind and do not mean to, I am frustrated. AIBU to ignore him when he is rolling on the floor having hit his head again? I know I am, but I struggle to offer unlimited sympathy and support to someone who will not help themselves.

Suggestions to improve his behaviour or my tolerance much appreciated.

OP posts:
araiwa · 04/04/2018 14:48

move house?

it seems ridiculous to live in a house that is literally too small for him

FrancisUnderwood · 04/04/2018 14:48

I'm not convinced there isn't something underlying this. Could be stress and anxiety be affecting his critical reasoning? I suffer very badly and when I'm bad I can hurt myself accidentally, be very dozy, forgetful...it's like living in a virtual reality. My brain is literally too full to function properly.

He absolutely isn't taking any sort or supplement or steroid to prolong his fitness which is affecting him cognitively?

As far as I know, fitness models aren't immune from onset Alzheimer's/dementia.

Of course you're frustrated, we get frustrated with Certain 'older' behaviours because we have fear that it will be us one day. This is our inescapable future, and it ain't pretty.

NotAgainYoda · 04/04/2018 14:50

missbonita

Look, if you can't vent on MN where can you? The reason I mentioned it is because it's something my mum says and I know it's because she is both infuriated by, and worried about my dad's behaviour. He has suffered from depression in the past and is now definitely ageing. If you've been married a long time, it's not surprising you'd feel that way. You sound worried and he does sound difficult

ShastaBeast · 04/04/2018 14:51

Sounds like my DH but he’s always been like this - worse to an extent as we’ve settled down and had kids due to relying more on me and having more to cope with. He has adhd. Drives me nuts and he’s reluctant to get help or take his meds. When I first mentioned his behaviour to a GP (when starting DD’s diagnosis), it was dismissed as just being a man.

Graphista · 04/04/2018 14:52

Short term memory can be quite poor in PTSD sufferers. And can vary through the rest of their lives depending on physical and mental stressors.

The snoring could indicate sleep apnoea too

His refusal to go to the dr could be fear based, he's worried it's something more serious - perhaps experiencing symptoms you're unaware of?

Plus men tend to be head in the sand with medical stuff.

Keep an eye on him?

Original poster
missbonita · 04/04/2018 14:55

He takes no supplements and is tea total. He does take flouroxine (sp) but nothing else. He is very quick and sharp with other things - I don't think Alzheimers/dementia but there is something going on.

He chose the house with me - we saved for 20 years. We live very rurally in Yorkshire - literally in the middle of no where and have a small farm. Unless we won the lottery we would have to give upon the lifestyle he loves and says has saved his life (all his siblings are alcoholics/drug addicts/in prison) if we moved to a house that would suit his height. I suggested it and he was appalled.

OP posts:
NotAgainYoda · 04/04/2018 14:56

Do you have children?

Original poster
missbonita · 04/04/2018 14:57

Thanks Yoda - that means a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
missbonita · 04/04/2018 14:58

Yes Yoda we have 2 - DD13 and DS14

They get annoyed with him but he is their main carer day to day and they all have a very good relationship.

OP posts:
LooksBetterWithAFilter · 04/04/2018 14:58

Agree with Francis is there stress or anxiety about anything that could cause this? I could see me doing this as well if I was that tall. I am perfectly capable of forgetting to not do something that would cause me to bump my head again and again during times of high stress. Like Francis said it’s like my brain gets too full and I can’t keep everything in there.
Dh is thankfully very patient with me I used to warn him that these things that seem cute when dating can seem really aggravating long term. I annoy myself at times with it and get very upset with myself for forgetting something so stupid as to duck to avoid banging my head but I’d still do it again tomorrow.

Original poster
missbonita · 04/04/2018 15:00

@Graphista yes, that sounds likely. Thank you. It never occurred to me they could be related before. This thread has helped me think things thru

(and not be a mean old bitch)

OP posts:
Graphista · 04/04/2018 15:03

Do you mean fluoxetine? Antidepressant Prozac?

Graphista · 04/04/2018 15:04

You're not a mean old bitch you're worried. That's understandable.

If it is fluoxetine memory loss and dizziness are potential side effects but also ones that are recommended to be checked with dr.

pointythings · 04/04/2018 15:05

I'm thinking underlying medical issue too - and though young onset Alzheimer's sounds unlikely, there are other forms of young onset dementia that could be in play. I think he should get himself referred to a memory clinic - if only to rule it out so you can look at other strategies. A review of his depression meds may also be useful. I'd be getting in touch with the GP to have him get a thorough once-over because you shouldn't have to live with this - that goes for both of you.

mylaptopismylapdog · 04/04/2018 15:08

His height could be due to Ehlers Danlos or another connective tissue disorder which could be the cause of memory problems.

unicornfarts · 04/04/2018 15:09

I would be just as worried and exasperated as you (my OH has the same problem, but without the PTSD element). There's not much to do except explain your worry to him and see if you can persuade him to go, with you, to his GP. Perhaps with a diary of events so that you don;t get fobbed off. Does his pain seem out of proportion with the injury btw?

You need to somehow get across to him that 1) hiding from a diagnosis does not stop it being there, and 2) that most things are more treatable if you catch them early. But as simple as that sounds I am yet to be able to get it across to my highly educated and by all accounts intelligent OH! :-)

Hidingtonothing · 04/04/2018 15:09

Has he had any therapy for the PTSD missbonita? EMDR therapy might be worth looking into (if you can afford it, not easy to get on NHS) if you/he think there could be a link. How much have you and he talked about what's happening? Does he fully realise how much it's upsetting you and is he willing to look at ways to change things?

colouringinagain · 04/04/2018 15:12

Hi OP when I'm premenstrual I am very clumsy and regularly bang/walk into doorframes, furniture etc that the rest of the time I miss.

Obviously your dh isn't suffering with pms, but chemical changes in the body can increase clumsiness and affect your spatial awareness. Significant levels of anxiety can also prove distracting enough to make this kind of thing happen.

I wonder if there's any merit in actually recording instances so you get a clearer picture of how common this is and if it's getting worse (tho realise you're not with him 24/7!)

Hope the situation inproves

Graphista · 04/04/2018 15:12

Also as an abuse survivor myself I found dd reaching the age when it was worse VERY stressful. I became very anxious and stressed. That could be a factor too.

Tidy2018 · 04/04/2018 15:16

I can't relate to ceilings, but cupboards, car boots make me think of when I was so stressed that I would miss the edge of a table with a cup, spill or splash while cooking, turn round while walking out a room and smack myself against a wall. Lived here 25 years with very few changes to the house. Removing the sources of the stress have helped with the clumsiness. But the stressors will return, so it hasn't been a longterm solution.

Viviennemary · 04/04/2018 15:17

I think you need to move somewhere he doesn't keep hitting his head on beams. And I agree that maybe he should see a doctor. Even a seemingly physically fit person could have hidden problems. So it's worth getting it checked for peace of mind. Forgetting things and losing stuff can often be a sign of stress.

yumscrumfatbum · 04/04/2018 15:19

Has he had his thyroid levels checked? My DH was diagnosed with an under active thyroid when he became forgetful and unfocused amongst other symptoms

StormTreader · 04/04/2018 15:19

"His height could be due to Ehlers Danlos or another connective tissue disorder"

Extremely unlikely to be EDS if he is able to work out consistently enough to be a male fitness model, shoulders etc dislocating under pressure would be quite noticeable.

Have you sat down with him OP and said "you are hitting your head a LOT, to the point we need to do something to stop it, its making me really unhappy and upset and it cant go on like this. What do you think we could do to help prevent it?"

SuperMumTum · 04/04/2018 15:22

Look into Multiple Sclerosis. I know it sounds scary but the early symptoms are similar. Sorry.

Weezol · 04/04/2018 15:26

Graphista has a good point. Also, Fluoxotine played havoc with my spatial awareness, I changed to a different medication and was fine.

He really needs to see a doctor. Could you phrase it in a way that if you both go to the appointment and there is, as he says, nothing wrong, you will accept that. I know it sounds awful, basically calling him 'chicken' or issuing a dare to get him there, but needs must.

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