To think I am being a really shit parent

[Curiousaboutchoices]

Ok so it’s the holidays which makes things worse, during term time I manage to hold my shit together pretty well. Background, I am pretty sure I’m perimenopausal and having regular bloody tests as need to take HRT for other medical reasons when the time comes. Also as background my husband does a very high pressure job which comes with very acute waves of travel and long hours. He’s in one now and has been for several months, is literally never here so the kids are mine full time apart from holiday club when I work. I’m at the tail end of a period and feel bloated, sad, low, hormonal, shit really.

Two kids 6 and 8. Such good kids in most ways and we are very lucky. My eldest though is away wit the fairies and struggles staying on message for everyday tasks like getting ready. She is fine academically staying on task at school - think it’s a bit like her dad that she’s very bright but has zero common sense, so I am trying to teach her that self care and motivation for both of our benefits. School /work mornings and shower/bedtime are pinch points because they have Time constraints that mean I get cross if things don’t get done. Because I’m on my own, I’m often trying to fit in other jobs like washing up, putting washing on or out, making dinner etc while they are doing their teeth, brushing hair, getting dressed etc. My six year old can get ready pretty much unaided but the 8 year old wonders around like there’s no rush st all and it drives me wild.

I started her a tick list a week or two ago to help her stay on message, this literally lists the jobs like getting dressed, doing teeth etc so I don’t have to constantly remind her. It was on the wall but she’d get distracted coming back to it to bloody tick the jobs. I took it off the wall today and she went and blue tacked it back on immmeduatley (that’s the no common sense or not thinking coming into play there) so I told her to take it with her and tick it off as she went. I then found her 10mins later wandering about and she said she’d done everything, we were standing in her room which had the curtains shut and her bed unmade (one of the jobs) so I knew that was rubbish. I looked at sheet and it wasn’t ticked so she was just in her own world again. I shouted at that point, which I take as a fail for mum. I hate shouting, it doesn’t work for either of my girls for different reasons, but I just saw red.

To top that she’s also quite random and we are trying to help her not come out with random comments - I say we all have random thoughts (ooh that man’s wearing a funny hat or what am I going to have for tea tonight, but we don’t say them in the middle of a different conversation because it sounds weird and like we aren’t listening to the other person). We were talking about something that she had brought up in the car and after I’d said something she said ‘that’s the 7th interesting thing you’ve said this morning mum’ - 1. Weird as I’m pretty sure she doesnt Count up in quite that way, 2.it sounds quite rude as if everything else I say is boring and 3. It shows she wasn’t actually listening to the conversation she had raised herself. I was by the point at the end of my patience so i did say that it was an odd comment and sounded weird and she needed to keep those thoughts in her head or people would think she was weird. Usually I temper those thoughts and don’t say them that bluntly, make it more gentle, but I’d had enough this morning. So I’ve left my daughter thinking that either her mum thinks she’s weird or thinking she is actually weird. She can be very different for sure, but usually we try to validate her differences and teach her coping strategies whereas this morning I just shot her down. I feel utterly utterly shit.

Please help. How do I keep my shit together? Is this normal 8 year old behaviour? Are my standards just far too High?

*regular blood tests

My eldest can be a bit like this - away with the fairies, slow to get ready, but he's very willing and does try - is your DD at least keen to do the right thing? It can be very annoying at times but as he does make an effort I don't get too cross with him.

The thing about being 'weird' is a completely different issue. My DS can also be 'weird' but that's just who he is and while I do give him guidance on when he's being rude or saying something not quite appropriate I would never call him weird or make him feel bad for being who he is. It sounds like you don't like your DD very much or you're quite embarrassed by her/ashamed of her - is that the case?

It was normal 8 year old behavior for me, and it certainly drove everyone I knew, parents, teachers & friends, mad. I got told that I lived in a dream world, had too active an imagination, was with the "fairies" and that I was weird all the time. It fucking DESTROYED my self esteem. I struggled with friendship, relationships, work, etc. for year. Attempted suicide twice. Very self destructive behavior because I didn't think I was normal.

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 35 and it was such an eye opener. I'm regaining my confidence, my self esteem and I know I'm not "weird" now.

I do find that aspect of her personality trying and demanding yes, but I couldn’t loved her anymore if I tried. I’m desperate to protect her from the honesty that the world will throw at her (and already does in many ways, she struggles with friendships) but that all fell away this morning when I said what I thought as a person instead of what I should have said as a parent. That’s why I feel so shit.

I hear you Hulks. That’s exactly what I don’t want to do to my daughter. I worry that how I feel will affect her natural development but I genuinely don’t know how to handle the way she is - what would have helped you at that age, how can I help her to become self sufficient?

Have you had her assessed for ADHD? Inattention, daydreaming and blurting thoughts are often how it presents in girls. Because they are less likely to display hyperactivity than boys, it often gets overlooked in girls.

Saying that, what you've described could also just be an "off day" in the life of an 8 year old. Only you know how chronic her behaviour actually is.

IV, it’s quite chronic, that’s very standard behaviour for her, what’s different is my reaction to it as I’m at th end of a bloody long period of lone parenting with my own woke deadlines and a seriously hormonal few days.

What good would getting some sort of diagnosis do though, even if it were the case, I’d still need to find ways to help her through it wouldn’t I? That’s the main issue, what I can do to help instead of breaking her spirit.

You’re human. Model to your girl how to apologise and admit you’re wrong etc Don’t be too hard on yourself - you sound like you’re managing an awful lot by yourself and hormones can be so horrible as well.
Could you plan some things that are actually enjoyable or easy for you? Like a treat takeaway meal plus PJs and Disney films? Or the recent craze of painting big stones and hiding them in public places to be found. Most places have a “name-of-town Rocks” Facebook page and you take photos etc. Kids seem to enjoy and if paint is too stress you can use sharpies.

And be kind to yourself. Make time to have a bath, face mask, wine whatever is a treat for you.

I was brought up like this, constantly being told I was weird and how I should behave and to be honest, it never made any sense to me.

Autism and ADHD diagnosis at 24 and my relationship with my parents is broken. They are so obviously embarassed by me that I just avoid them.

I think it’s great that you’ve identified that there’s an issue and want to help her. Maybe talk to her about you guiding her and helping her more but her being more receptive to this? So the bargain is that you will calmly assist but she will co-operate.

Also remind her that you love her and just want to help her!

Thanks isadora, that’s a really kind post. We’ve definitely done some of that too, just having a low morning. I’ll plan something like that for tomorrow though, great idea.

And I do apologise, always. Yesterday we had a similar thing (so this is a build up) and I wrote her a card to find this her bedside this morning. And then fuck it up two hours later. I just wish you could buy patience in a bag, that’s what I need, my intentions are all good. Funnily enough it’s the thinking before you speak thing that I complain about in my daughter but am not modelling very well for her. Not well at all.

User - thank you. Are my expectations too great if she is on some kind of spectrum? Should I stop thinking ‘you’re 8 and your sister can do it so you should be able to’ and shadow her a bit more, like I would a much younger child? Is that what she needs? What would have helped you? I would rather always come home to washing up later than have another morning like today.

And should I stop saying ‘that’s not an appropriate point to raise that point’ or let those things slide? Would it help for her to know that or just crush her spirit? I totally hear that calling her behaviour weird is wrong and I will categorically not do that again.

you just have to relax and understand that she can not do it at the moment and go with that. if that means you have to do the broken record technique,, then so be it. adjust your attitude to it and you will get less stressed about it. at least most of thetime. being human you will still crack sometimes but life is a lot easier if you know you have to do the broken record technique.

perhaps you canask her what is next.
praise her for any little thing she does manage, it is amazing how well praise works if you hit it at the rigt time.
tell her she is good at... whatever it is she can do. (ds is fabulous at saying please and thankyou, becaue he said it once and I praised him for it I keep telling him how good he is, he keeps doing it)

I have two who need the broken record technique, they have improved,

I second what @Isadora2007 says. Accept you're human and will make mistakes. Model a sincere apology and move on, (i'm quite certain that there is not one parent who gets it right all the time). Maybe you need to be kinder to yourself and model some self care too. As you have daughters, you have a duty to model that women don't HAVE to do it all and be perfect at the same time! Self care is important to incorporate into your life and i believe it's important that your daughters see you looking after yourself, rather than running yourself ragged.

Thanks blackeyed - that’s good advice. It’s good to know she’s not the only one who requires the broken record technique. You’re right, whatever the reason (and I’m not seeking a diagnosis, just self help techniques for me) she’s obviously can’t do it yet, and me expecting it is causing all of us enormous stress.

I think I will accept that I lose that half hour in the morning to shadowing her and keeping her on task.

I think you need to accept that your kids are different and have different expectations of her. I have a 12 yr old that I still struggle to get to keep her floor tidy and bed made - the solution to her not opening her curtains is for her to not draw the flippin things - drives me mad. But I have to accept she has a different personality type to me and or her Dad. I ask her to do one off stuff or stuff she likes and she is there like a shot and v good at it. Still have to get on her case re dishes, washing and bedmaking though even though she is great at cooking, doing washing and general tidying when she puts her mind to it.

Thanks Dog, I hear you. Good advice. I know my kids couldn’t give a shit if they have clean pants in their drawers but do give a shit if their mum is a shouty bastard. I think my priorities are a little skewed. I’m going to deal with that.

She sounds like my DH who was assessed as being on the autistic spectrum at the age 42. I have learned to adjust how I ask him to do things which has helped.

And I do have extraordinarily high expectations of myself as well as others. Need to moderate that too.

I suppose I am saying that whilst she probably does need to up her game a bit (she seems to like the tick list on the wall thing) for your own sanity you need to look at your own reaction to her being in a learnign phase if that makes sense

Hi cutes - can I ask how you adjust things?

RB, yes I get that, thank you. I think I am comparing apples and pears in my kids and assuming she is being belligerent and lazy because her younger sister can do it, but I genuinely dont think she is, I genuinely don’t think this is within her control yet hence I’m looking for coping strategies. Lowering expectations is definitely job 1.

Issue is also my patience levels, and I need to do stuff to assist, like building in exercise (massively helps me mood wise), not doing too much at once etc.

stay on task

EEEK

That is normal 8 year old behaviour in this house. I thought it was just the way children were. The random thoughts in the middle of conversations and the needing reminded of every little thing in a daily routine.

Ok I'm not going to launch at you about anything, you know what's an issue.

But I will ask you to dial down ALL your expectations. Treat her like she's 5. Remind her every step of the way. Imagine to yourself that she cannot keep a list in her head for even a second.

Don't pop off at her for being 'weird' - to her, you're quite weird, especially with the assumption that she was inferring that everything else you say was boring. I guarantee she was not inferring that at all, and that that only happened in your head, but she didn't have a go at you for being 'weird' about it, did she?

And put yourself in her shoes - she's expected to be as good as or better than her younger sister at organising herself and being sensible and she is failing, again, and again, and again. She probably doesn't need to be told what she needs to do - she needs to be reminded to do it.

Secondly, arrange a meeting with her teacher. If she is truly unusually disorganised, her teacher will have noticed.

Thirdly, just out of interest, was her father disengaged and impulsive, by any chance?