To think I am being a really shit parent

[Curiousaboutchoices]

Ok so it’s the holidays which makes things worse, during term time I manage to hold my shit together pretty well. Background, I am pretty sure I’m perimenopausal and having regular bloody tests as need to take HRT for other medical reasons when the time comes. Also as background my husband does a very high pressure job which comes with very acute waves of travel and long hours. He’s in one now and has been for several months, is literally never here so the kids are mine full time apart from holiday club when I work. I’m at the tail end of a period and feel bloated, sad, low, hormonal, shit really.

Two kids 6 and 8. Such good kids in most ways and we are very lucky. My eldest though is away wit the fairies and struggles staying on message for everyday tasks like getting ready. She is fine academically staying on task at school - think it’s a bit like her dad that she’s very bright but has zero common sense, so I am trying to teach her that self care and motivation for both of our benefits. School /work mornings and shower/bedtime are pinch points because they have Time constraints that mean I get cross if things don’t get done. Because I’m on my own, I’m often trying to fit in other jobs like washing up, putting washing on or out, making dinner etc while they are doing their teeth, brushing hair, getting dressed etc. My six year old can get ready pretty much unaided but the 8 year old wonders around like there’s no rush st all and it drives me wild.

I started her a tick list a week or two ago to help her stay on message, this literally lists the jobs like getting dressed, doing teeth etc so I don’t have to constantly remind her. It was on the wall but she’d get distracted coming back to it to bloody tick the jobs. I took it off the wall today and she went and blue tacked it back on immmeduatley (that’s the no common sense or not thinking coming into play there) so I told her to take it with her and tick it off as she went. I then found her 10mins later wandering about and she said she’d done everything, we were standing in her room which had the curtains shut and her bed unmade (one of the jobs) so I knew that was rubbish. I looked at sheet and it wasn’t ticked so she was just in her own world again. I shouted at that point, which I take as a fail for mum. I hate shouting, it doesn’t work for either of my girls for different reasons, but I just saw red.

To top that she’s also quite random and we are trying to help her not come out with random comments - I say we all have random thoughts (ooh that man’s wearing a funny hat or what am I going to have for tea tonight, but we don’t say them in the middle of a different conversation because it sounds weird and like we aren’t listening to the other person). We were talking about something that she had brought up in the car and after I’d said something she said ‘that’s the 7th interesting thing you’ve said this morning mum’ - 1. Weird as I’m pretty sure she doesnt Count up in quite that way, 2.it sounds quite rude as if everything else I say is boring and 3. It shows she wasn’t actually listening to the conversation she had raised herself. I was by the point at the end of my patience so i did say that it was an odd comment and sounded weird and she needed to keep those thoughts in her head or people would think she was weird. Usually I temper those thoughts and don’t say them that bluntly, make it more gentle, but I’d had enough this morning. So I’ve left my daughter thinking that either her mum thinks she’s weird or thinking she is actually weird. She can be very different for sure, but usually we try to validate her differences and teach her coping strategies whereas this morning I just shot her down. I feel utterly utterly shit.

Please help. How do I keep my shit together? Is this normal 8 year old behaviour? Are my standards just far too High?

Sometimes guilt can be counterproductive. It sounds as though you have very high expectations for yourself as a parent and for your little girl and this is creating tension.

I'm a bit of a space cadet myself and I used to get very overwhelmed and hurt when my mum got impatient and angry with me, and I could sense her embarrassment of me! The pressure and hurt made me even more forgetful and dopey as I scurried round trying to please her. I grew up feeling weird and unlovable.

I think you have to accept your kids and love them for who they are, it's hard but try to see it as endearing if you can! She may surprise you one day!

Hi OP, like PPs I think this may be a sign of autism/ADHD. Diagnosis can be helpful as it can open up opportunities to help eg access to expert groups that can advise on strategies, EHC plan if she needs one later for support at school etc. Some of my relatives are autistic and we find the support invaluable.

Your DD reminds me of a school friend (early 90s) who was bright but disorganised and got lots of comments from teachers for messy work etc. She now has a DD with an autism diagnosis - suspect my friend may be too but it was rarely diagnosed in girls then.

I've just read Rachael Lucas's The State of Grace which is awesome - novel about an autistic teen girl by an autistic author. Might be interesting for you too.

I thought maybe autism. It presents differently in girls. Possibly add?

Oh poor you!
I'm in a similar boat in that I am peri and I'm just losing my shit and marbles all in one go. Not that I'm saying this is happening to you BUT I don't underestimate where I am at biologically and the impact this is having on my own well-being and fuse length (very short!).

Your DD sounds a bit, just a tad bit, spectrumy. And this wouldn't be obvious to the average person at all. But DS3 is autistic (your DD is NOT this, just a bit, as I said, 'spectrumy') so my radar is set higher than it should be. But honestly, I think most kids have their 'stuff'. And a lot of this stuff is outgrown.

Set your bar a little lower and accept who your kids are and how they roll. This takes time and effort.

Like you, I am a married lone parent to my kids. DH is just. not. here. And when he is home, he's still not present. So it's all on me. The stress and the pressure and the lack of outlets for me personally means that I nitpick over the small stuff and become honed in on the unimportant stuff (they have clean laundry, full sock drawers, food on the table, but a frazzled, highly strung, unhappy mother). I wasn't this way two years ago. I think it's a combination of things, but hormones plays a part for me, certainly.

Hugs and praise are the tonic! Everything is so quickly fixed with a 'well done, you' and a high five. I find it calms me right down and kids thrive on praise. It brings the love back to the club.

Don't be so hard on yourself, OP. Perimenopause sucks. And it's hard to find calming strategies for yourself when it's just you, on your own, doing all the parenting. You may have a loving DH, like I do. But what we're missing is an active, engaged, supportive partner. They try as much as they can- but when they're away working all the time, it's inevitable that the support is on a limited supply. This is tough! It really is! It has a big impact on the family.

Your daughter sounds like she might be on the autism spectrum. Why?

1] the tick chart...it worked, but distracted her. So you took it down. She put it back up, (not lack of common sense, btw, but her actually realising it helps and also wanting her 'routine' back)

2] "random" thoughts that she can't keep in, coming out during a completely different conversation. Typical "symptom" of ASD in girls. My dd (9) does this, we can be deep in conversation and suddenly she will start talking about something completely different, or point something out. It's just what she does.

3] Also, being straight talking, with no filter - again typical asd "symptom" Say what you think/feel. She isn't saying you are boring the rest of time, she noticed a pattern in what you were saying (the facts)

4] Not doing her jobs and just standing in her room - shutdown/overwhelmed at having so many tasks to complete. Does it matter if she doesn't make her bed, or open her curtains? My dd never does either because the sheer effort that has to go into getting ready in the morning means that she has little energy left for "housekeeping"

5] away with the fairies - in her own world. Typical again of kids on the spectrum. As is the doing well in school.

It sounds to me like you are trying to discourage a lot of what seems to come naturally to her, which will also be very hard for her to do and also accept. I really think it would benefit all of you to investigate this further. Of course I could be wrong, but she sounds a lot like my daughter who was officially dx last year.

Hi OP.

Your dd1 sounds very very like my dd1. Who has just been diagnosed with ADHD. As some have suggested, do push to get her tested. To those saying it's normal behaviour, it may well be, but if it is affecting home, school and other life it may be more. Certainly worth a try.

As for not losing your shit - well I can't advise but I can sympathise as I regularly do too
DH and I have found parenting dd very hard, despite loving her very much and thinking she is brilliant.

I have to say the dx has helped hugely, both her and how we relate to her, and things have been much easier since. Even if you don't go down the dx route, worth doing some research to understand more how that type of brain works? I recommend the russell barkely videos on youtube.

One way of adjusting is to drop some requirements. My two are similar ages. I shower, then wake them. I get dressed quickly then make sure they're dressed. We all go down for breakfast. I empty the dishwasher while they eat, and make school lunches. Then I eat. As I'm finishing breakfast, they go upstairs to brush teeth. I follow to check and while I'm up there, I shake the duvets and open the curtains. Then we all leave. They don't need a list because they receive each instruction from me in person. Makes it easier. "Clothes!" "Eat!" "Teeth!" "Shoes!" One word, no room for interpretation! I know it's not that easy, and there are some mornings when the teeth cleaning only happens if I stand over them, but it's better than sending them upstairs with a list of three things.

OP - I would definitely investigate the possibilities of your little girl having ADHD or ADD. My DS has ADHD - although he also has he hyperactive tendencies. Your description of 'not being on message' and random or impulsive thoughts and comments are classic ADHD symptoms. Girls tend to present in a different way to boys which sometimes makes it harder to spot. Kids with ADHD are generally a little behind other kids cognitively which is sometimes why they appear to act younger than they are, or why they can't seem to manage to do things that younger siblings can do easily. My boy also struggles with instructions like 'get ready' or 'tidy your room' as there are just too many variables within this, and he doesn't quite know where to start and what to do. If I break it down, so for example 'get your socks on', 'brush your teeth' etc then he finds it much easier as it's just one thing to focus on and easy to achieve. Also praise, praise, praise for the things that he does well, however small.

You ask what good getting a diagnosis would do. I would say that it's much easier for both you and the child if you know what you are dealing with and you can start to access the support that you may need - not just now but in the future too.

Finally try not to be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you have a lot going on and are just trying to do your best for your girls.

Oh & before all this came to light for us, I wasn't covering myself in glory as a mother, so please don't beat yourself up about it. What's important now is how you move forward.

Also, those talking about ADHD, just be aware that ASD gets misdiagnosed as ADHD in girls, because the presentations are similar.

What good would getting some sort of diagnosis do though, even if it were the case, I’d still need to find ways to help her through it wouldn’t I? Of course, but instead of people calling her "weird" they can make allowances for her differences.

I feel a diagnosis is important for the teen years, especially for girls (once hormones kick in), as they can spiral quite quickly not knowing what is going on, and also just "knowing". Knowing why you are different to everyone else.

Don't look at the benefits of a diagnosis for you, but for her. She has to live with it long after you stop caring for her (when she leaves home, I mean).

Also don't underestimate how hard it can be to navigate a world where you feel like you don't fit in, even as an adult.

I feel sorry for you. think you sound very stressed and driven - you have a rigid morning routine and tick boxes for tasks completed etc, that is completely at odds with your child’s laid back and woolly approach to life.
Maybe you could meet your child in the middle? You could learn from her how to relax a bit, how to not sweat the small stuff, remember that you need to have some fun and laughs in your life, and so do your kids!
Ease up a bit, enjoy those precious childhood years that you will miss terribly when they’re grown up.
And once you have a more relaxed relationship with the kids, they may be more amenable to some gentle encouragement to organise themselves a bit better. Kids respond to the carrot much more than the stick. Otherwise when they hit adolescence they will hugely resent you as a martinet and control freak, and reject even reasonable requests to get their act together.
Hugs all round, and I hope your lovely family find a calm and happy way to enjoy life together.

re a diagnosis - IF your dd is on the spectrum with adhd or asd, she is going to BOMB at secondary without support, because the organisational expectations take a sharp leap in yr 7. A diagnosis is a step towards accessing that support.

Ds1 has full on high functioning autism and adhd, but because of support he copes fine in mainstream and has never needed to move to a special school. He's 15 now, so he's pretty much nailed school.

I think you sound over particular. Very capable, very articulate but over parenting. You don't have to change your entire style but maybe have more freestyle parenting too, when you focus less on telling and telling off and more on modelling good behaviour.

Also, those talking about ADHD, just be aware that ASD gets misdiagnosed as ADHD in girls, because the presentations are similar.

That's interesting different. Our doc considered ASD for DD but discounted it, without really explaining why. If the presentations are similar in girls, what are the tell tale differences?

So sad that so many people are ready to medicalise what may be perfectly normal behaviour.

You're describing me at that age. I enjoyed being away with the fairies and having such an active imagination. It's stood me in good stead for being a creative adult.

I'm absolutely not on the spectrum and neither do I have ADHD. "Normal" is actually quite a wide spectrum in itself, and that's fine.

Thanks so much for all these helpful posts, especially to those who held back giving me shit that they know I’m already giving myself.

So, re diagnosis, she’s fine at school. VERY messy writing (she can be neat when she wants but can’t be arsed), incredible imagination, fed mature reader and writer, and does stay on task at school. There are social and friendship issues but again not so dramatic as to identify her as needing help. There are many children in her class with diagnosed and undiagnosed additional needs, so she us much more ablek to cope than some. She finds school interesting, so is engaged. So far. She does not find teeth brush in any way interesting, so flutters away in her mind.

Ok - I can do the curtains and the bed myself. It doesn’t need doing but like a PP if those things are done I feel more in control of life when all shit around me is out of my control (husband, this element of kids, bed wetting, my work, hormones etc). I’ll try to do the one task at a time thing too, like someone else said, if you say coat shoes bag, she can’t cope. She genuinely forgets her school bag every day (makes me want to scoop out my brains and throw it at her, but there it is).

I will do that reading people suggest too as I definitely agree she is ‘spectrummy’ and I want to help her with that rather than hinder as I fear I am currently doing.

Intheblackhole - I think your post is spot on.

So sad that so many people are ready to medicalise what may be perfectly normal behaviour.

Everyone here suggesting asd or adhd has their own diagnosed child and is recognising traits as the OP is describing them. And it's all very lovely to say "ohhh she's just away with the fairies" until suddenly it's GCSE time, everyone expects her to STOP being away with the fairies, she can't because it was never a choice for her, and she bombs. that's not an outcome anyone wants, so it's best to get this sort of thing looked at.

As for not losing your shit - well I can't advise but I can sympathise as I regularly do too. DH and I have found parenting dd very hard, despite loving her very much and thinking she is brilliant.

Oh my goodness, I have started crying reading this. It's just nice to read this and remember that I'm not alone in my struggles raising our ASD son, whom we absolutely love. But oh am I challenged at time.

Anyway...
Why don't you see the GP who can refer her to paediatrics? She may be Aspie, or very high functioning autistic, or ADHD, or none of the above! But if she has a diagnosis, what YOU get out of that diagnosis is the tools to work with her. So for example, my understanding of my high functioning but complex autistic DS has skyrocketed since he's been plugged into paediatrics. Don't know if it's benefitting him much (it is but probably more me than him). For me, being plugged in and diagnosed has helped me 'get' him and approach him correctly. The results are good! Not perfect, but I come at him from a different angle than I do my other kids. His brain is wired differently and I've been given a map.
You need the map/GPS to help navigate through DD's magical, creative brain. She's unquestionably a creative, bright soul! You just need help in changing your approach and understanding how she ticks and kicks. Clarity.

Good book recommendations, anyone?

Do think about getting her assessed. Take all your evidence to your GP and ask for a referral for her, she needn't be there when you do.

It can take about 2 years to get a diagnosis, so in the meantime, read up on p[arenting strategies for all sorts of differences, if something works, stick with it, if not, bin it. e.g. try 123Magic, it's a different approach to parenting.

Don't particularly request assessment for ADHD, there are lots of conditions where inattention can be obvious and unless I've missed it, you've not mentioned hyperactivity, so don't be too narrow in your focus, just ask for an assessment and give a big list of examples of what she does that's different to her peers.

IF there's any SN involved, then try and think of her as emotionally being only two thirds of her chronological age and deal with her emotional age-appropriately.

Spectra for differences are not in clean cut straight lines, have a look at this one and see how the differences are not hindrances.
the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

I just wish you could buy patience in a bag, that’s what I need, my intentions are all good. Funnily enough it’s the thinking before you speak thing that I complain about in my daughter but am not modelling very well for her. Not well at all.

Let her teach you how to parent her. Stop the weighty demands of having to a hundred things before school/bed. Just let her tackle the basics.

Dressed/teeth/breakfast. If you think she has it in her, ask her to make her bed etc.

My daughter is almost 10 and only just starting to unpack her school bag after school, because it just used to be too much. Also, it takes time to get a new thing into her routine and it has taken 10 weeks for it to become automatic now. Because you can't just get it done overnight. (For comparison my eldest daughter is NT and has been doing this since she started school, so it's parenting.)

My daughter has taught me patience. Because it's either that, or a completely neurotic, self harming, messed up kid on my hands. She does have sensory processing disorder, and anxiety as co-morbid conditions, so we really do have to tread a careful line. She will repeatedly hit herself already, so we have to be careful.

And should I stop saying ‘that’s not an appropriate point to raise that point’ of course you need to teach her appropriateness, but it is how you do it that makes the difference.

As to how to change your approach read this

So sad that so many people are ready to medicalise what may be perfectly normal behaviour. You're describing me at that age. I enjoyed being away with the fairies and having such an active imagination. It's stood me in good stead for being a creative adult.

Very true. I am aware that there is a danger of medicalising a totally normal kid.

But then this trumps the former thought and I agree very much with this: Everyone here suggesting asd or adhd has their own diagnosed child and is recognising traits as the OP is describing them. And it's all very lovely to say "ohhh she's just away with the fairies" until suddenly it's GCSE time, everyone expects her to STOP being away with the fairies, she can't because it was never a choice for her, and she bombs. that's not an outcome anyone wants, so it's best to get this sort of thing looked at.

Thanks, I did most of my parenting alone also and I feel for you. I found it helpful with experience to tell less and to model more, be warmer and not exactly to expect less but to go about it in a different way. Sometimes over parenting or telling off comes from concern for and anxiety for the child so I see you've had lots of good advice. Maybe you feel so shit because how you feel you are parenting feels a bit out of synch with your core values.
Hope you have a good day

colditz yes, quite.

nernerner it may be normal behaviour and it may not. Believe it or not, the professionals are trained to spot the difference as it's hardly in their interests to diagnose a "normal" person unnecessarily. There is no harm getting an assessment (except for the frustration in how long it takes)

vanguard it is so so challenging and until dd had a dx I just felt it was all my fault for not being more/less strict, not have enough/too much routine etc etc, and just felt so hopeless all the time. Now I have some hope and can see a way forward. and hope you do too

Books about adhd - I have liked adhd for dummies and the christopher green one, though both are 10-20 years old so would be interested in any more recent recommendations!

I very much understand the desperate wish to buy patience in a bag.

Hey I once lost my shit completely over a sock,, before ds1 was diagnosed.

I sent him to get socks. He went upstairs, didn't come down. I called him, he came down with a paper plane, no socks. I sent him back to get socks. He didn't come down. I called him, no answer. I went to find him, he was under his bed rolling marbles down a track he had created from paper. I got his socks, put socks on him, went downstairs.

Five minutes later, called him to put shoes on.

One sock missing.( AND WE NEVER SAW THAT SOCK AGAIN.) and I went TITS, shrieking and shouting GODDAMNIT WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE WITH IT etc, and he just stood there, little head hanging, and said "Sorry mummy." And I asked him what he even thought he was sorry for, and he replied "Making you angry". And I asked, why am I angry though? And he replied "I don't know, how can I ever know that?"

I felt like shit.

But he's ok. It didn't teach him anything other than sometimes mothers go mental, but it taught me that my reactions are NOT always reasonable and sometimes I have to wind my neck in because I'm just being a twat.