To think I am being a really shit parent

[Curiousaboutchoices]

Ok so it’s the holidays which makes things worse, during term time I manage to hold my shit together pretty well. Background, I am pretty sure I’m perimenopausal and having regular bloody tests as need to take HRT for other medical reasons when the time comes. Also as background my husband does a very high pressure job which comes with very acute waves of travel and long hours. He’s in one now and has been for several months, is literally never here so the kids are mine full time apart from holiday club when I work. I’m at the tail end of a period and feel bloated, sad, low, hormonal, shit really.

Two kids 6 and 8. Such good kids in most ways and we are very lucky. My eldest though is away wit the fairies and struggles staying on message for everyday tasks like getting ready. She is fine academically staying on task at school - think it’s a bit like her dad that she’s very bright but has zero common sense, so I am trying to teach her that self care and motivation for both of our benefits. School /work mornings and shower/bedtime are pinch points because they have Time constraints that mean I get cross if things don’t get done. Because I’m on my own, I’m often trying to fit in other jobs like washing up, putting washing on or out, making dinner etc while they are doing their teeth, brushing hair, getting dressed etc. My six year old can get ready pretty much unaided but the 8 year old wonders around like there’s no rush st all and it drives me wild.

I started her a tick list a week or two ago to help her stay on message, this literally lists the jobs like getting dressed, doing teeth etc so I don’t have to constantly remind her. It was on the wall but she’d get distracted coming back to it to bloody tick the jobs. I took it off the wall today and she went and blue tacked it back on immmeduatley (that’s the no common sense or not thinking coming into play there) so I told her to take it with her and tick it off as she went. I then found her 10mins later wandering about and she said she’d done everything, we were standing in her room which had the curtains shut and her bed unmade (one of the jobs) so I knew that was rubbish. I looked at sheet and it wasn’t ticked so she was just in her own world again. I shouted at that point, which I take as a fail for mum. I hate shouting, it doesn’t work for either of my girls for different reasons, but I just saw red.

To top that she’s also quite random and we are trying to help her not come out with random comments - I say we all have random thoughts (ooh that man’s wearing a funny hat or what am I going to have for tea tonight, but we don’t say them in the middle of a different conversation because it sounds weird and like we aren’t listening to the other person). We were talking about something that she had brought up in the car and after I’d said something she said ‘that’s the 7th interesting thing you’ve said this morning mum’ - 1. Weird as I’m pretty sure she doesnt Count up in quite that way, 2.it sounds quite rude as if everything else I say is boring and 3. It shows she wasn’t actually listening to the conversation she had raised herself. I was by the point at the end of my patience so i did say that it was an odd comment and sounded weird and she needed to keep those thoughts in her head or people would think she was weird. Usually I temper those thoughts and don’t say them that bluntly, make it more gentle, but I’d had enough this morning. So I’ve left my daughter thinking that either her mum thinks she’s weird or thinking she is actually weird. She can be very different for sure, but usually we try to validate her differences and teach her coping strategies whereas this morning I just shot her down. I feel utterly utterly shit.

Please help. How do I keep my shit together? Is this normal 8 year old behaviour? Are my standards just far too High?

Hi @Curiousaboutchoices I am afraid I can't offer much help but I just wanted to say I think you are a fantastic Mum - the fact that you are thinking about how to help your daughter or how you might need to amend your behaviours show how much you love her. She will forget quite quickly what you have said as it is not a constant thing that you are driving home to her. You are showing love and affection. I think it's a good learning opportunity in how to apologise and admit we all lose our tempers and get it wrong sometimes.

I just wanted to say I have no idea about spectrums but I am surrounded by ditzy smart beautiful women and (1 man we nickname trap happy he is so ditzy). We all have further degrees and married with kids but say and do the stupidest things sometimes. My husband jokes I should run everything past him before I speak because of the stupid things I come out with at times. I often forget words for things and have to describe them - like tv! I am a medical professional I often go to buy things and have no cards or money with me. I forget every week to leave a note for my cleaner.

It may be that you and your daughter are just different and she may be a bit of a dreamer who will always struggle to get to your standards. It sounds like she has taken after her father a bit more. Have you chatted to him or his family what he was like as a child?
A girl I know has instructions on back of door in each room and a tick sheet for the way out the door in the mornings - shoes, lunch, school bag etc. She also uses alarms, first alarm wake up, second dressed etc. Maybe something like that will help.

You are doing a fantastic job and we all have bad parenting moments that we wouldn't choose to have. We are only human so please forgive yourself. It's really nothing in the grand scheme of things

I would also say op, the absolute LAST thing anyone should be taught to do is pretend to be someone else for fear of others not liking the real them, and I think that’s the message you’re in danger of giving here.

I’m not a girl like my mum wanted I think, that’s at least the impression she gave me - think she was embarrassed of my awkward phases growing up. Being aware someone is embarrassed of you simply makes you incredibly self conscious; being a confident person means recognising that some people will love you, some will dislike you and the middle chunk aren’t going to be bothered either way, so you should just be your true self and you’ll attract like minded people.

As long as your dd is being polite and well behaved then what are you trying to stop? If she is confident in herself friends and so on become much easier, because people like and are attracted to confident people imo.

You sound like a good mum by the way!

It could be normal for an 8 to girl or it could be "something". As I was reading it, she sounds like my 9yo girl with High Functioning Autism. Her little brother is really independent and the total opposite!
Have a read of Tania A Marshall signs if ASD in bright young girls. See if it rings a bell. It could be nothing but it might be something.

Wow- I could have written your post. My dd (8) had been diagnosed with ADD last year after having issues with getting dressed, being "daydreamy" with no sense of urgency, and no filter on saying things as they pop into her head.
We have had support from CAHMS and having routine and structure helps, we have a whiteboard in the bathroom as morning school rush and bedtime are flash points for us- lists things like go to loo, wash hands, brush teeth, change pjs etc. This has helped, and teacher at school is great too at picking up cues when dd is struggling and overwhelmed- she knows to encourage dd to walk around classroom or get a drink, to reset her daydreaming.
I still have times when I find her behaviour challenging, but accepting who she is and how she ticks has made me quite protective of her. She's an only, so I've no other child to compare her to, I imagine it's tricky not to compare her to your 6 year old.

I have found my people! We did ‘wear odd socks for Down’s syndrome day’. It was hard work and I wore odd socks from a set!

Yes OP, that describes me as a kid. My Mum would send me upstairs to brush my teeth and I’d spend 15 minutes with my nose in a book! I was diagnosed with ASD/Asperger’s in my early 30s (a couple of years ago).

I definitely think it’s worth investigating her being assessed. Chances are she knows she’s different already. Certainly by 10 I used to cry at night wondering why I was different, what was wrong with me. I knew I was different but couldn’t figure out why. I went through life like this. No teachers ever mentioned SEN, I even did a Speech and Language Therapy degree and it wasn’t mentioned there! I am so much happier since I have my diagnosis. I am more confident, I am kinder to myself. As a pp said of herself, I accept my personality. I know why I am like I am and make adjustments for myself. Even now, I have checklists of what I need for when I go out! I have a clear timetable of what we need to do to get up and out in the morning or I’d run late. DD is 5, she is a lot like me, we are in a ‘watch and wait’ period. I am sure that having a structured timetable for getting up helps her too. Being diagnosed has helped at work, helped in life, I wish I’d known earlier. I had a sort out breakdown/Burn out at 17 and again at 22 when I was overwhelmed academically.

I understand what your saying about ‘deskilling her’ but I think there is a compromise of talking it through with her. Get her thinking about it..like What do we need first? Explain that you need to do under wear first as you can’t put them on over the top! Maybe do a list without the ticks? (Otherwise the ticking part will be distracting!). You could even devise a ‘getting up’ timetable. You need to find the balance between encouraging some independence and making life as easy as possible.

Just to encourage you - you’re not a shit parent - you recognise her needs, you’re trying to find ways to help and support her. Diagnosis or not, you can find ways to help her and meet her needs. I think you need to get your DH on board though. Ask what helps him. Explain what you need from him too. Create a strategy that works for all of you.

My husband Also rightly points out that I’m a big old conformist sheep. He is very happy being different, for me being different presses all my panic buttons.

Wow, this really resonated with me.

Sometimes, I think that parents have to learn to accept that their kids are different people and that they need to be themselves, up to a point.

My DP had a very strained (to the point of almost non-existent) relationship with his father. DP is in the dreamy and disorganised camp, his father completely the opposite. Their relationship was so bad that DP left home at 18 because he couldn't handle the endless conflict between them. His brother, who is much more like their father, never had these issues. (Tbh, we all think that his father probably had an ASD, and DP's brother has a child with diagnosed Asperger's). Talking to MIL about their family dynamics, she said that their dad just couldn't cope with anyone who was not like him, and that it seemed to make him edgy, anxious and volatile.

I really feel for you, and I think your daughter sounds lovely.

Do people really think there’s enough in daydreaming and occasionally making odd remarks (at age 8!) to diagnose asd or add? It seems a bit overkill to me. Again, it's so much more than that!

Thanks so much for the latest messages. I’ve put some of the tactics into play and we are having a much better day. I have also banned myself from phone use while I’m with them (they are in garden now!) which seems to be helping more than anything, it’s become habitual and distracts me from their needs. Means I’m ignoring all work and other messages but we are all much calmer.

Eldest is very happy today, with fewer demands on her and with more attention. When I’m focussed on her she is much better (funny that...). She’s definitely quirky. I found her earlier on sitting on the floor with her hand in the hamma bead drawer, just running her hand through them. She was there for a good 15 minutes. She’s only wearing bottoms today, never got round to a top. She wore only one welly boot all morning and hopped around the garden because she didn’t want to put the other on. She’s coming out with some hilariously random stuff and somehow it doesn’t matter. I’m thinking quirky, unusual different like someone suggested, I’m CBTing myself.

I’m also channeling the poster who said make it your aim for her to leave the house happy, and it completely changes my approach. So thank yoU, simple message but huge results.

To those diagnosed as adults, can I ask why and how this happened and how it helps you practically now (except by knowledge being power and an explanation, which I totally get)?

I did the Tania test thing someone posted (thank you). Some are very her, the weird intuition thing, the lack of empathy but too much sympathy - she gave all her bday money to shelter after seeing a homeless man and just couldn’t get to grips with his plight, it bothered her greatly for months. She’s gone vegetarian in the past because she doesn’t want to eat animals (major tears, massive overreactions etc) and yet doesn’t really look after her animals that well. But other Tania traits not so much. So she’s not a diagnosis waiting to happen I don’t think, but she’s certainly quite different and may need a different parenting approach to her sister. Just to know that is empowering and, actually, quite liberating.

That all sounds positive! Well done! I'm glad my advice to focus on helping her be happy resonated. It made such a difference to our mornings.

Glad things are helping, OP. My DD's (10 quite soon) thoughts also go from pillar to post and she comes out with odd things but I take it as signs of being an original not-so-little girl. It's never worried me, but then I was a weird/original child too.

I admit I struggle with the 'should I tell her to change what she says/does' issue in some ways, in that, like me, she's much more of a talker than a listener. I was the youngest of 3 and everyone let me babble on, presumably as they thought it was cute. But as I got older and more self-conscious I kind of wish someone had told me to be quiet and listen more, and not being far off secondary school, I am pondering if/how I should discuss this with her. It's just I notice she'll meet and talk about a child from a holiday club, but then not know anything about them other than their name. Which I'm sure is pretty normal at her age, but I'd like to encourage her to ask questions and listen because I still find it hard to do, having only realised in early adulthood that I was doing it!

You asked about getting diagnosed - my story (I’ll try to be brief!): I came across a MN thread with someone asking if they could have ASD. My thought was Surely you’d know by adulthood?!, then I read the thread and had a ‘lightbulb’ moment! So many things fit me. I’d known from a young age I was different, I can rub people up the wrong way (unintentionally!). I did lots of research, read books, did online quizzes, joined the running thread of MNers who identify as ‘neuro-diverse’. Discussed it with DH and decided to ask my GP for a referral. She said Well I don’t think you have ASD but if you really want me to, I’ll refer you. Took a while to establish where to refer me to, took about 6 months to get an intial paperwork assessment screening tool, took a month for me to complete it and then another 7 months for me to get an assessment. But yes, the assessment confirmed I have ASD. The assessor said specifically Asperger’s even though it’s not strictly a criteria any more, it felt like a good fit and I agreed.

I said up the thread my life is better for being diagnosed. I am far happier and kinder to myself. I felt like once I suspected I was, I couldn’t rest until I knew one way or the other.

@FaithEverPresent

It's fascinating how many women get a diagnosis after their children do. Especially mothers of newly dx girls.

Yes I know of several. I certainly didn’t think I fit the criteria until I saw that MN thread. I think many women recognise the traits from their children going through the diagnostic process and then self-refer.